Round two!
 

This is a different string of problems that I would appreciate assistance with. The first string hasn't cleared any, but they haven't gotten worse either. (not sure if that's good or bad) But this pertains to a circle of friends as opposed to me and my mom and our multitudes of problems. Okay so it's like this. There's me, my ex boyfriend(to avoid names we'll call him John), my best friends(again to avoid names we'll call them Sissy and Jake), and this new guy(we'll name him Roy). For the longest time, I was the best friends with John. Then we dated. We broke up because he showed me again and again that he was as unreliable as he was stupid. Then he went into the military thinking it would straighten him out enough to get me back. Only now, he's even worse than he was before. He still thinks there's something between us. Jake is my best friend now. But Sissy was my best friend. She dropped out of my life for like seven years. Jake is acting all stupid because he thinks that I should be friends with everybody that he knows. But I don't want to be friends with some of the people he knows because they're either self-absorbed, neurotic morons, or psychotic shadows of human beings. Sissy suddenly showed up back in my life again. Only this time it's because She needs my help to take care of her kids so that she can get back on track with her life. But I can't take care of her kids for her because all of my own problems to deal with.(my other thread in this forum) Now she's all mad at me because at one point, i would do anything for her(until she broke a promise we both made together and swore we'd follow lest we both die horrible deaths). But after she had kids and broke up with their father, she went on a major drinking spree and started doing every drug under the sun. Now she wants to get back on track and says she can't with kids. so she's trying to push them off on my and I can't take care of them. And Roy is this new boy i met at school. He's actually my tutor(trying to help me catch up in grades). I really like him. But he seems to like Sissy more because he's always trying to tell me to help her out because she needs it really badly. I know this is long(but believe me, this is the shortened version). Can anyone help me or anything along those lines?

Sissy needs to take responsibility for her choices. You cannot help her raise her children. They are not yours to raise, and I speak from personal experience that if you give yourself out once, you'll soon be taken advantage of. And when children are involved, it makes things even worse. (Long story involving my sister.)

If Sissy fell out of your life for seven years, and after all this time expects you to pick up the pieces... haven't you already found your answer to this deep-down? It sucks, and it hurts, but... let her go for now. You have so much more to worry about right now with you and your mother.

Sissy made her choice. People shouldn't just tell you or hint at you that you should "help her out". Next time you should say that they are as capable of helping her as you are.

For the other people... I don't know. I think you have bigger things to worry about right now. :(

I know i have bigger problems to worry about. But these are the minor ones that keep getting in the way. Sissy won't take no for an answer no matter how many times i tell her that i can't help her out. I'd love to be friends with her again. We were like sisters. But I can't pick up her life and she just doesn't want to take it that way because her own family has already dumped her out.(oh if you're wondering what that promise we made was, just ask and i'll let you know.it's essentially what started the downfall of our friendship) it's not because i put myself out there for her once. it's because she put herself out there for us once. and now she expects the same thing in return. and i tried telling Roy that if he thinks she needs so much help, then he cane help her because i can't. he got mad at me and said i need to be less self-centered. you don't think i'm being too self-centered trying to take care of myself and my mom because there's nobody else to do it...do you?

I would like to know the promise, as long as you don't mind sharing.

I am in no way knowing of Sissy's exact situation, but the fact remains that she has two children and feels they're in the way of her getting back on track. She sounds a little bit like my sister, and that enough makes me repeat, "Don't let her inside again."

I do want to know the promise, and how she helped you guys out, too... it's hard to give advice not knowing the full picture. But do I think you're selfish? No. Children are expensive to take care of. All they want is love, but they need food and clothes, and if you and your mother are barely getting enough for yourselves... seems to me the children would be better off with another family. :/

Let Sissy shovel her own shit. If she dropped out of your life for seven years and now pops up wanting favours, then, fuck her. She's hardly a good friend and will try to drag you down with her. As for the guy you have a crush on, say you need to protect yourself and don't want to be taken advantage of. I'm sure Sissy has other friends or family, and why can't this tutor guy help her out if he's so keen you do?

Chaiiren Hoshino- The promise was that neither would ever have sex or kids save when we are presented with a wedding ring, a marriage license, and proof that said guy can take care of us(and children) if we can't take care of yourselves. well she broke that at fifteen when she had her first kid. (I am still holding steady.) I don't believe in breaking promises. She did too at one point. but not so much anymore. She helped us out by bring us extra food when we were younger and I was too young to get a job.(we've never lived on the good side of financial stability) She used to stay with us late when we needed extra care. and she was with us when somebody tried to break into our house and rob us. they failed(once they heard our dog). but we were scared and hiding in the attic. she stayed with us then too. but we started falling apart when she realized how great boys were. So i can see where she might think we should do this for her. but it's wrong of her to push her kids off on us when we can barely take care of ourselves, isn't it?(she actually has three kids)

clevernamepending-I did tell the tutor that. He doesn't tutor me anymore because we got into a huge fight about it. Nasty things were said, breakables were thrown.(he can't aim worth a damn, but i nailed him in the stomach :lol: ) This was at the start of this week because i gre tired of him hastling me about putting myself out there. I believe my exact words were... "If you like her so much, then you help the selfish dropout!" He got mad and said that without his tutoring, i would be the dropout. i took it as a threat and that's when the throwing started. and sissy's family through her out because they couldn't help her. the only friends she knows are where ever her stupid ex-boyfriend is(father of her kids.) she came to me thinking i would help her selflessly.

Sorry it took so long. for some reason, i'm not getting e-mail sayin a reply has been posted. I'll try to check back more often. but it's getting harder to do with all out problems.

Sassandra... wow. I don't understand why some people keep having children when they can't take care of the first one as it is. I don't mean to sound mean, but you've mentioned the drugs and whatnot, so I only can gather that the kids haven't had the best care in the world. They must be so little. ._. Three to four years old, maybe the oldest being five?

Regardless, no. It shouldn't be left up to you and your mom to take care of them. Promise aside, Sissy still created this problem by herself. You and your mother didn't force her to have sex, and you didn't force her to keep her children. Just remember that.

As for what she did for you guys in the past, that was great and very kind of her, but people shouldn't do things for others hoping they'll get something in return. This isn't a regular situation. This isn't Sissy needing extra food or some emotional support, which I reckon you guys would do in a heartbeat. She wants you to take care of her burden so she can go do whatever, and that's just not cool.

If Sissy REALLY wants the help, tell her you'll help her look into a temporary care for her children. I know she'll probably say no, but she does realize that money is such a big factor for you guys right now that the children wouldn't be under good physical care, right?

Do you think she'd give them up temporarily while she sorts herself? It would prove whether she's serious or not. I sound cynical, but there are several parents in my town who pull the same act. I live in a high drug-usage area and people just lie. It's an addiction. I'm not saying they're bad people, but it's an addiction. It's hard.

I couldn't agree with you more. The oldest of her kids is actually about to turn seven. and she didn't start the drugs and stuff until after she and her boyfriend broke up. Her mom told me that it was because she was tired of him always coming home late from work and suspected him to be cheating on her so she broke up with him and moved back home. about a week later is when the trouble started when she found out that he moved away to another state with some red head chick wearing tight biker clothes or something like that. i never liked the guy to begin with. i kept telling her he was gonna be trouble. we used to fight and bicker about it. she always said that i needed to learn to open up and be more trusting. i told her she needed to be less trusting of the people around her because of the area we lived in. she'd get mad and we wouldn't speak to each other for days at a time. we always made up. but each time the fights got worse. then she just said she never wanted to be friends with somebody who couldn't get along with man she loved. and the problems just got worse yesterday. she came over drunk last night and started hollering and screaming about how it's my fault that i didn't try harder to separate them when we were still friends. how is it my fault? i tried to tell her he was trouble. it isn't my fault she wouldn't listen to me. she said i should've kidnapped her and tied her up and that i would've if i really cared about her. i ended up getting so worked about the fight we had last night that i couldn't breathe. i was in bed for the rest of the night and almost had to try going to hospital despite that we wouldn't be able to afford it in a million years. and what's worse is that she didn't even seem to care. and now i'm not speaking to my other best friend because i'm tired of him kicking me aside like a used pillow. oi...it's still hard to breathe even now...

After reading that, ah... yeah. Don't let her near you again. She's selfish and immature. It's not anyone's responsibility but her own for the choices she's made. -_-

By the way, on your other topic, did you get a chance to look at the links I posted?

She is selfish and immature. my mom kicked her out of the house. she threatened to call the cops if she came back. now i feel bad for that. but we weren't in the wrong on it. No i haven't yet. for some reason, i'm not getting mail abou topic replies for that subject any more. i go look at it when i'm done posting on this one. now my other best friend is being a piss head. i don't know if we ever talked about him here or not. if you wanna know how that ended up that way, then let me know. i feel bad about my mom threatening to call the cops but since i couldn't breathe last night, i didn't have much of a choice in the matter. it shouldn't bother me really because this wouldn't be the first time i've had to threaten calling the cops on somebody that's supposed to be my best friend. but still...we were like sisters when we were friends. so i can't help but hang on to that wishing it could still be ya know? i guess i'm just living in the past.

I hate to say it, but right now it sounds like you are living in the past. As the years go by, people change. For what it's worth, I DO hope Sissy grows up during the time apart. Maybe a few years down the road you two can reconcile. It just seems like there's little point in it right now when she's so under-appreciative. :(

She's being downright impossible. but yeah. we may being able to get it together down the road if these problems manage to subside. i suggested that she look into investing with a baby sitter for her kids while she's trying to straighten out her life. but all she would say was that she couldn't afford it. stupid ignorant...she just doesn't usually think about things before she says anything. although we did have a letter from her in the mailbox apologizng for her actions last night. she promised she didn't meant to hurt me. she said she's just tired of her life and was too stupid to keep herself from getting drunk. i suppose that makes since after the actions she's been displaying over the past month or so. but it's not an excuse for anything. what would you do inresponse. she asked if i would be willing to meet her for lunch one day so we can try and work something out to benefit us both. but i don't know if i can trust her. what would you do in this case? You're becoming a good friend of mine helping me out like this. I hope you don't my saying that. So as one friend advising another, how would you handle that?

Tell sissy that you are not their mother. It is HER responsiblity nor yours. Advise her to leave her kids with a relative while she goes into rehab.

she tried that as well. her relatives are so sick of her that they won't help her in anyway. she tried them after i had to turn her out. that's why she keeps coming back to me. i talked to that tutor guy's friend(who happens to be my new tutor) he said the only reason why the other tutor was trying so hard to get me to help her was so he could take her out alone. when he found he failed, the idiot actually shifted schools to a school on the other side of the city. what an idiot...switching schools for something so stupid. wow some people are just unbelievable. Sissy is debating putting her kids in an orphanage. but she doesn't want to give up her children. she's trying to get on welfare. what would you suggest for that? would you tell her to give her kids up to an orphanage until she can get back on her feet even thought she doesn't want to give them up? i don't know how to handle that part of the situation.(never had to before)

Perhaps instead of an orphanage, she could put them in a temporary foster care. I really don't know the steps toward that, though. :/

Right. i tried that suggestion. she's being stubborn in that she doesn't want to give up her kids. yet, she's willing to give them up to me. she says she's trying to get back on her feet. but i know her story. she's only been doing this since her parents kicked her out. i'm willing to bet(though i really don't wanna be this harsh) that as soon as she finds somebody to push her kids off on, she'll go right back to how she was. it's just not something i understand or compromise. i've heard that mothers either accept thier kids or reject them with thier whole bodies. i didn't think it could be true until i saw her as a mother...wow that makes me really sad...a mother who doesn't want her kids...

She wants to give them to you so she can use you until nothing's left. I've said it before, but by her actions, she doesn't seem to want to do anything that isn't exactly how she wants it.

No one would want to give their children up to a foster care, but I also know if they were with you, they'd see her often, and it would be even more emotionally frustrating for them. It would be better for them both to hear, "Mommy's not well right now and needs to get herself situated so she can be a better mommy for the both of you." instead of seeing her every day, every other day or whatever and giving them mixed signals.

Or worse, not seeing them at all. Leaving them with a friend would give her that opportunity, too.

You are right though. Despite what most say, some mothers never get that maternal instinct. They never form an emotional bond with their child. :[ My sister is one of them. Even as a baby, my nephew never wanted her for anything once he realized she wasn't all into him the way she should have been.

And I say should because I'm a firm believer that if you go out and have sex, get pregnant and decide to keep the child, you'd damned well better raise it properly. Children only come into the world wanting love (well, diapers, milk, etc., but you know what I mean).

Yes that's true. all we know when we're born is to want. we want food...we want attention. it's not just that we want. we're never taught differently. show me a mom that teaches her kids that the world's problems and needs will always be greater than our own and that we should focus on helping those around us and not ourselves. my mom taught me that. but she's the only one i can think of...hrash major. i know. but lately...i wouldn't put such harshness pas reality anymore.

*hugs Sassandra*

I hope things are at least getting a little better for you and your mom, even if everything else is still pretty sucktastic right now. :(

Actually....things have gotten slightly worse. my so called best friend and i are no longer friends. he tried to pull this true friend bs on me.(not sure if this is the other topic i started here or not...) he's such an idiot. i don't know what i saw in him for anything. (i had a psychotic dream in which i turned into this demonic killer. it made me feel better about it for a time) did i start another topic about this...?