clueless about my emotions
 

Gonna get kinda lengthy here, my apologizes >-<!

I'm a junior in high school who's the type of girl you'd often see reading or doing her hw. Typical goody-good. I don't talk much except when I’m with certain friends. I'm socially awkward which manifests in a way that most people think I'm really weird or funny. I've been told I'm extremely naive and sheltered.

Yep, the stereotypical shy Chinese bookworm girl XP A stereotype I hate, yet I fit. T-T

Last year, I met my group of really good friends now and finally began having a bit of a social life beyond just my hw and books. >.< They are loud, crazy, hyper, insane, daredevils, funny, nice, and the most loyal friends who I love. Very much the opposite of me, and at the same time, I fit right in.

From this group, I went out with this guy last year, Jon(fake name), because seriously, he was the first person to ask me out! But of course, I screwed that up because I didn't actually like him and I wasn't really much of a gf (he was really a gentleman in that way) and eventually gave up on me for a girl who was willing to make out with him, constantly. lol So he cheated on me, broke up with me, pretended to begin dating the other girl even though they've been at it for a while.

Well, Jon apparently had a bad rep as a pervert, which I didn't know about (no idea why he liked me because I didn't give him any). Since then, I've been wondering why I couldn't bring myself to hug, hold hands, kiss, go out on a date, etc., like a regular girlfriend would have with him? I mean, yea, I'm a bit tomboyish, and I definitely wear really modest clothing, but is that a crime? So, I've felt really horrible about myself. My parents still think that I've never had a boyfriend or any guys showing interest in me. (which is probably a comforting thought for them...)

So, present day. There’s a guy in our group that I think I have a crush on… I wouldn’t know since I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on anyone. He’s nice to me, even though he plays around with me a bit much (the old tap on the shoulder and appear on the other side of you always works with me). The thing is, I over react when he touches me (well, that’s because most people don’t tap me on the shoulder) enough times that he expects me to jump whenever he taps me… >.<

Remember how my first “boyfriend” was actually a pervert who was nice enough to not take advantage of me? Well, let’s call my “crush” “Milo”. Most people are careful around “playing” with me because you could tell I’m the type of girl who doesn’t hug or kiss guys lightly. Milo, on the otherhand, is considered a perv by some of my friends because he “plays” with all the girls we know, hugging from behind, tickling, poking, flirting, etc. But I personally haven’t seen him kiss any of my friends… I guess I’m naïve enough to think that. He also never went further than laying his arm over me, which he did only once because I.. er.. jumped.

If he’s really like the guy my friends say he is, he wouldn’t like a girl like me, right? He’d go for some girl who’d let him tickle her or whatever… I think.

Remember how I said my friends are crazy? On Valentine’s Day, after our club meeting (where all the members are in my group of crazy friends) one of my crazier friends, let’s call him TY., jumped onto Milo’s car. Milo stopped the car once, which made TY jump off. Milo started the car again, and didn’t know TY jumped back on. TY sorta cracked his head on the ground, went unconscious, and hurt his wrist. This happened after school so we had to call an ambulance while the nurse had already went home.

I don’t know if it was from shock, but I’ve always been the type to not cry or even feel pity at the scene of an accident, even with my lil sister. I feel really distanced until afterwards. So there I was, the only one not yelling at bystanders or crying. I saw Milo walking over to me, and I asked him if he was alright. “Not really.” Then a parent questioned him and he spoke his worries about his parents and how he should’ve checked the rear-view mirror, etc. to the parent and student who was standing behind me. The thing is, I already heard my other friends comforted him, so I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound redundant.

A lil later, he came back again and stood looking at me with the most distressed look, and he couldn’t help himself but give blame himself for the accident (which was definitely TY’s fault). I was still paralyzed with no emotions or pity, so… I did something I really regretted. I steered him around, and told him he should go back over to my other friends, and I told him I was worried about one of them (who had yelled her head off at the bystanders) even though the real person I was worried about was him. I was standing alone, so I knew he came over to talk to me. I didn’t want him to come over because I was the only one who seemed stable. I wasn’t, and I knew I was in a state where I couldn’t offer him pity. I listened to him for a bit, and when I felt he was about to cry, I wondered if he could tell I was fake if I hugged him. It seemed like the right thing to do, but I never hugged anyone, and I was scared he could tell I wasn’t me right then, but just a shell. So I pushed him away >.<, to my other friends who probably could give him their pity. Seeing him like that had almost broke me because I had never seen him not joking around.

My dad’s car came less than a minute later, I got in after saying goodbye to my friends, and started bawling once I got into the car. More because of what I did to Milo, which I felt was really mean, and of concern with what this would do to the always joking around guy I knew.

The next day, I was depressed because our group couldn’t find him in the morning before school, wondering if he skipped. At lunch, I was so relieved to see him, even though he seemed downer than usual, but when he saw me and called me, all I did was wave like a little kid (a common gesture from me, nonetheless).

I had thought about giving him my cell # the night before if I saw him again so he could call me if he needed to talk. I couldn’t listen to him at the accident because of my state of emotions then… but of course, I chickened out. He seems alright, but from this incident, I think I don’t deserve to “crush” on him if I can’t even do a simple thing like comfort him after something big like that happened.

What do you guys think? I’m so confused right now… I don’t even know what I’m asking anymore… Any comments or advice welcome.

EDIT: TY's out of the hospital and back in school. Not even a cast. Just some scratches and bruises. All my friends are just calling him stupid. Haven't talked to Milo since last week. I saw him, but I was rushing to class.

You make me feel less lonely, in that you feel the same things I do. Not that my life mirrors yours, just that I feel like I've been through this with you.

I don't know what to tell you, because I've never been able to sort out these particular emotions myself. Maybe I could tell you my story and you wouldn't feel alone... I don't know...

I always feel like I'm acting. Like my emotions are never real. There are very few people that I'm truly hugging. I find it difficult to tell if I'm interested in some one or not.

I kinda know how you feel with your friends, because I'm one of the crazy[-er] ones in my group, and I have a really conservative and studious friend [though actually, she's pretty crazy too :D].

Anyways. Do you find yourself thinking "aww he's cute/hot/sweet" about him at times? Do you feel that you guys are more than 'just friends' or you want to be more? If you feel/think that, it's a crush. If you also think he's too good for you, then it's something more like idolatry.

Has Milo had previous girlfriends? Of the flirty type, or any type that you don't think you are? If not, it's hard to say what his usual type could be.

In my mind, I can think of two reason why he could like 'your type of girl'. Either he likes a 'challenge', or he does like the quiet type, because the little things means so much more coming from them than the girls that hug everyone. Like, you actually mean it. =)

I think it'd be best if you actually pulled Milo aside and told him about what happened to you at the accident. It'll be hard but sometimes you have to do things like that. I'm sure you're not as horrible as you feel right now, you can't help that you are the way you are. The way you make Milo out to sound, it sounds as if he would understand if you just explained to him what happened, as I said before. Let him know that you were worried, but didn't know how to show it. And. I believe that you are deffenitly worthy of having a "crush" on him. No-body is ever unworthy of having emotions, no matter how crazy the emotions may be. If it's the truth, he deserves to know it. He might like you; that might be why he chose to come over to you after the accident.