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Is this selfish ?
Okay...So heres the deal
I have a loving boyfriend and ive known him for almost 3 years but weve only beeing bf and gf for like 3 months which isnt bad so my love life isnt the problem because its great..!!! At school and with friendship though there is the problem, Im constantly worrying when i wake in the morning whos problems i have to deal with that day... Is person 'S' going to come to me and start telling me how her relationship is failing or is person 'C' going to come to me and tell me how her relationship is awesome, but how her school work is failing and she doesnt know whether shes coming or going, or is person 'I' going to come to me and say he hasnt done this work, and hes not going to this lesson and hes not doing this or that, or is person 'L' going to come to me complaing about how he and person 'S' keep falling out over the most stupidest things and cant see eye to eye. Or could then finally they all come at once with an added person 'P' who complains about how shes finding things difficult and how her mother has so many problems that she needs to help with or how this that and the other is messing up her life. So in listening and worrying about all this, i have to juggle my school work, and my social life to accomodate for these persons problems.... I dont mind helping them in fact i find it quite nice that they can come to me for this kind of help and support and advice. However the real deal is, when i go to these people for help about personal problems of my own theyre either like "awwww itll be okay" -huggles- and then carry on in their sweet merry little way... or completely ignore what ive said and carry on in their sweet merry little way anyway. I love these guys to bits and i would do anything for them, But for once id like someoen to listen to me understand how im feeling and CARE about me, in a way that a friend should I have discussed these problems with my boyfriend but being of different language he sometimes doesnt understand a words meaning therefore i have to explain it...hes been a great help and i love him to bits.... But i need a friend that can be there for me just like i am for them..... there is also a person 'J', 'K', another 'L' and an 'A' but these people dont come into the problems at school with the previously mentioned friends. So i was wondering does anyone have any advice for me on what to do and how to sort this... NOTE: I dont like being mean, i restrain most honourably from being mean, and therefore i find it hard to tell these friends exactly how i feel, i dont want to hurt their feelings. |
i understand you don't want to hurt them
maybe they see in you a very strong person and they complain at you because they also need someone to give good advices.. but those advices to really work... well i guess you have the same problem as me... i have many friends but i am mature for my age and they see in me an adult mind... they can see i understand them because i am teenager... but i also realize when they are wrong and i give good advices... i also need someone to hear me... but i have the online good friends for that... they help me even if i don't know me and they make me laugh even if i never met them in person... ^_^ so a good advice: you won't find a good friend between these people... you will find just some confused person which are always complaining and begging for help... make a good online friend...or find an older friend... someone to think as you think and to really understand you .. not to say "it will be ok... stay calm blah blah blah " um... anyway.. if they don't listen to you try to talk to them seriously...a friend need help ... so you help him.. but a friend also has to help you.... |
Hmm... from what you've been telling, these friendships seem a bit one-sided. :\
For how long has this been going on? Most likely your friends have gotten used to the situation... that you're always helping them, while they won't listen to your problems so much. Maybe they really see you as a strong person and have trouble understanding you sometimes have real worries too? The next time you talk about your worries and they just shrug it off, could you just repeat your point again? Say something like, "Hey, this is serious, please listen" or even "I'm always listening to your worries, this time please listen to mine." Have you already tried this? How would they react? Also, if this continues, how about you giving them some subtle treatment? For example, shrug their worries off like they do yours. Or, if you're really busy and they come to you with their worries, could you just say something like "Awwww it'll be okay, but hey, I'm really busy right now, please let's talk about it later?" If they start wondering about this sudden change in your behavior, you could try bringing up the points you brought up here: that you feel you're not getting enough support from them and therefore don't feel like giving your support right now, that you need support too? That you feel used, that friends have to help each other? Not so frankly, of course, if you don't want to hurt their feelings. |
Yeah I have to agree with the others for a change. Friendships are give AND take. These "friends" seem to only take.
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Friendships aren't just one way.
I mean, I'll admit, I can be demanding from my friends, but I'm always willing to give back all the love and caring they give back to me, sometimes much much more! If all they do is go an complain to you, they really aren't your friends, and it is not your burden to deal with all their crap every day. You have your own life to deal with. <3 If they never seem interested in YOUR life, you shouldn't have to care about theirs. If they won't listen to you, don't listen to them, it might seem mean, but you shouldn't have to use your valuable time on people that don't care about you as much as you care about them! |
You need to tell your friends that you feel this way, even if you are a bit abrupt about it.
Tell them straight out how you are always there for them, how you always listen to them and help them, but when it's you they don't seem to return the favor. They could just not realize that this is what they are doing. You have to tell them and see how they react. If they can straighten up and be there for you, then everything should be fine. If they can't...then you need to find some actual friends. |
I actually have multiple friends who have lamented being in the selfsame boat--as well as am suffering from it myself! And I do agree that while it's great to feel like you can help, you also really need someone else to listen...
I'm not advocating breaking friendship with these guys--there are many people (including some of my dearest companions) who simply don't know how to listen, or feel uncomfortable doing it. There are also, however, people who can learn to, so I would suggest bringing this matter up. If not now, then the next time you're trying to get something off your chest and they're not helping out. I'd be gentle about it, but I wouldn't avoid speaking about it. Also, I've found places like our nice Menewsha here are great for finding a friend who is of similar mind--perhaps not always physically there, but capable of listening and more than eager to hear from you. Keep yourself open to new friends being good listeners as well, not just old ones who feel more trustworthy, and you may be pleasantly surprised! o: For example, I have a wonderful friend who always willingly listens to my issues and troubles, and I met him online during a difficult period when I had no one IRL to really 'unload' on. |
Thankyou guys this has really helped
@ anamcara = Ive tried to tell them on more than one occasion, i know exactly how their reaction will be. Person 'S' Will get extremely offended and say im not the person she thought i was, she no longer has the trust in me, she doesnt want to be friends anymore, Person 'L' who loves person 'S' will totally agree with this person 'S' and then ill lose two friends... this happened before, and person 'L' who is a guy threatened to hit me, Person 'S' threatened to also get her mom on me.... so to explain this to them it wouldnt be all that great for a multitude of reasons. Where as person 'C' is concerned for a moment of about 3 minutes shell feel a bit down, she wont actually realise the real problem, then shell forget everything and just carry on in her own sweet merry way. Person 'I' doesnt really care to be honest, should i explain to him the situation hell be like well go talk to person 'c' shell listen wont she. I agree that this friendship is completely one sided, and its hard to break that mold, some part of me has broken down and come to the conclusion that im supposed to be treated this way,,, even though this conclusion is completely stupid. So yes its a lose lose situation and im completely confused and at a loss as what to do. I think yes at some points ill have to say "sorry im busy can we talk later" but this will only make me feel guilty. and im not knocking your suggestions, its just i know these people extremely well alot more than they know themselves ( i wonder why (lol)) So i know exactly how they will react and big problems will arise, if i try and sort the problems by finding other friends, person 'S' and person 'L' will react in the same way even if i didnt tell them what was wrong... so i cant really explain it to any one neither can i escape from it .... its like im caged. |
There is a reason counselors get paid hand over fist- because theirs is a horribly difficult job. You have to understand that you can't take on all of these burdens without going insane. So next time you talk to them, think of some way to talk about you. Or else stop talking to them. I don't really know what you should do, that was just a moment's idea. But it can be really harmful to try to take on burdens they can't carry themselves. They need to talk to others every once in a while, or maybe LISTEN to YOU for a change.
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Ugh, well this really is a tough situation then. I'll toss some more ideas around...
From persons 'S' and 'L' reactions, they don't seem like real friends at all. Sorry, but a real friend just wouldn't react that way! And those threats? Totally unreasonable! Friendship really is give and take. If I were you, I definitely wouldn't consider those people real friends. I'd try to get some other friends and keep a distance from those two. Persons 'C' and 'I' don't seem as bad, they seem like they've just gotten used to you being the listener. Maybe they're just a bit selfish and/or simply not good with understanding other peoples' problems and worries. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying "let's talk later" to these people! Especially with persons 'S' and 'L'. Just look how they treat you! They don't deserve your time! If I were you, I'd probably just keep shrugging off their problems or playing the "I'm busy" card. I wouldn't waste my time with people like that. (Yeah I know I'm repeating myself here, sorry. But you really have no reason to feel guilty. And don't worry about "knocking down my suggestions", cause they're just that, suggestions, I won't be offended or anything. ^^) You seem like a really unselfish and caring person, but you must understand you must care for yourself, too. |
i know exactly the way you feel, because that's the way my firends from high school used to treat me. I was nerdy and didn't have much friends, so they felt I "needed" their friendship and walked all over me. My family does the same thing. I only have one really good friend from high school who seemed to actually care (Lets call her 'L'). When I got to college though, I started to realise that I needed to stand up for myself and not be afreaid to tell people my need, and the most important thing - to tell people "no" or "not right now". My suggestion would be to just walk away from "S" and "L". I understand you'd feel horribly guilty, I did, but they're using you - and one even threatened to hit you! that's not a good situation at all. You seem like a kind, caring person who those two people thought they could use as a siphon for their problems and not have to give anything back. You need to find friends who turely care about you. Most likely they'll try and guilt trip you into listening to their problems again, but be strong and true to yourself and don't give in.
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Anamcara i understand completely what you are saying...ill tell you what happened today.
Person 'L' was arguing with person 'S' and stupidly i interjected with "cos we all do what you wanna do dont we" In a slight jokey way not meaning to be mean at all x.x And then all of a sudden person 'L' yells at me almost hits me, takes what i said completely out of context. Almost reduces me to tears. And then im just left like "What?" I knew perhaps what i had said didnt help but he was ticking me off... and i didnt wanna make it look like i was angry at him coz else that would spark something else of, as it stands it was better if i said it in an angry way >..> Also today i told Person 'C' that instead of listening to her problems all the time, id like her to listen to mine for a while, she looked at me out gone as if i was crazy and eventually turned round and said "Stacey im gutted....." Nyaaaa x.x i think it is time i move on into a different friendship but like i said before and i reiterate its like being in a cage x.x |
Uh-oh, what a situation. @[email protected]
Person 'L' seems to have some anger management issues. Actually, he seems dangerous, with all that yelling and threatening to hit you! Is he often like that? Is he doing that only to you or is he the same with everyone? You should be careful if he tends to get violent. Actually, if any of my friends threatened me like that, I'd RUN LIKE HELL from the friendship. :shock: Yeah, as for your situation, I really don't know what else to say, except I wish you strength with this situation... :cry: I really hope you'll be able to find better friends than these people. |
Well... sometimes people have problems that they tell you about and there's nothing you can do but try to show your compassion and try to comfort them with a few words such as "aww, it'll be ok".
Also, don't let the use of only a few words lead you to think that your friends don't care about you. It could very well be that it's simply not in their personality to be so extroverted or whatever. Instead of saying, "I listen to your problems so listen to mine," say something like, "This is really important to me and I could really use your thoughts." It is possible that your friendships aren't as close as you want them to be. But that's not going to change by making demands. |
That's what I noticed too with people who I often go to for advice. Instead of actually giving me the sound words and what not I'm probably expecting from them, I get 'It'll be okay' and 'Aww' then the random 'hugs' over the net.
It frustrates me horribly. I start to think 'Wow... And I took out time to go cathartic on you and open wounds and that's all I get?' but then I can't blame them. Not everyone is THAT equipped to give sound advice. But at least they've listened to you. Being able to give advise and guide others isn't just something you gain overnight or just are born with. It's a talent. Perhaps even a gift. Just because you have friends, doesn't mean instantaneously they can give you the most sound advice because they know you and are of the same feelings with you. No. That's not it. Be thankful they did listen to you. Not everyone actually does that. At least to my experience. They always say 'I'm busy' or 'Is it the same drama all over again?' to my face. Fine. Alright... I hope I'm not generalizing too much but... I noticed that people who don't give advise and just give comfort/compassion feel that they are unable to help or do anything for the situation so simply give that. It's very most/least they can do for the situation to help. That sort I can understand---but if I know they can actually do something and prefer to sit at the sidelines, I get a wee bit frustrated since I know they can make a difference but don't want to. But hey, they have free will. Who am I to control them? Just rely on yourself and your instincts... But don't be too isolated that you don't ask help. Though I'd advice you to ask from the right places/people who can actually help...Don't forget to still talk to your friends though. Sometimes when you keep running to the 'other people' (people who might help but aren't in your circle of friends) they will feel left out and think that you don't love them as much as before. x_x; Depends... What a rant of an advise this is. xD |
A friend of mine put it nicely: when you don't have any support, you just gotta live for yourself. You gotta go into overgear and think things through rationally and subjectively so that you can help yourself out. It's hard times and it might take a while before you get support by others, but in the end it'll have made you a stronger person.
What I find more annoying is when I try to reach out to friends and they don't take the opportunity to communicate with me. I don't like it when I ask someone, "how's it going?" and all they say is "good" and then be silent. Good and bad are subjective. If I ask how someone is doing, I want to know details. It's an invitation to complain, even. I'm not one of those politically-correct douche bags who only ask how someone is doing just to be "nice". |
i use to not know how to tell my friends how i feel and when i figured it out and started to the all hated me for it and no wi have a few left but i can talk to my mom and dad try that uther then that i have no help for you
SORRY ~hugs~ |
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