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Lsaylor
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#1
Old 04-02-2008, 10:42 PM

Okay.
I Kinda Have this friend in real life her Name is Kayla.
Her Bf Is my ex. His Name is Austin.
Well. Not to Long Ago Kayla Brought up Shes "Sharing" Austin With Another Guy.
i told Her Thats Cheating. Theres no "sharing" But i Really Wanna Call Her An Idiot. ._.' She Keeps Saying Its "sharing" not "cheating"
But i Need Help.
i Want her to understand he doesnt love her.
Because i only Hear Him Talking about Going Gay. [Hes Bi.. As of Right Now]
So.
Any Ideas i could explain it to her?
Its Cheating, Not Sharing?

Peacemaker
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#2
Old 04-02-2008, 10:56 PM

If everyone involved in the relationship knows openly about it, it isn't cheating at all. It's polyamoury.

Here's the wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

It's only "cheating" if someone is being lied to or something is being hidden, or if one member of the relationship wants monogamy and it continues regardless.

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#3
Old 04-02-2008, 11:09 PM

Agreed.

Go and ask if there is some kind of agreement between the parties: that they know each other and such.

Don't let your having been raised/used to a monogamous/exclusive relationship get in the way. Some people engage and do enjoy relationships of these kinds honestly.

It would be very unfair to say they're cheating or whatever other phrase one can come up with.

...That is if they do know of each other's existence and isn't as you suspect she is really doing.

It's very kind of you though.

You still look out for your ex even up to now. :3

I don't. XD

Knerd
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#4
Old 04-02-2008, 11:11 PM

If the three of them can maturely handle the relationship, then there's nothing inherently wrong with this "sharing". After all, it is her own choice. If she feels that she is ready to enter into something of that nature, then she has every right to.

But if you feel that she is making a mistake, calmly and rationally explain your opinion to her. Make up a Pro/Con list. Show her what you feel will go wrong. By explaining that you care for her and are just looking out for her, you may be able to make her understand your view.

However, please realize that you can't make these kinds of decisions for her. If may be an unconventional relationship, but it's her's.

Lsaylor
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#5
Old 04-02-2008, 11:12 PM

no. i hope My ex Dies white. He cheated on Me. x]

Knerd&Peace;
Kayla Doesnt even like the other Guy.
and.. none of them are Ready for that Stuff. Austin Likes Sex Not being with some one. Same with the other guy.

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#6
Old 04-02-2008, 11:21 PM

My ex broke up with me because she had WAY TOO many demons on her shoulder. Stupid bitches. All three of them.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.

Wait.

So Kayla's in a relationship with your Ex (Let's call him A from then on) and a guy named Austin (who I'll refer to as B). But you're saying that Kayla is only fond of one guy and doesn't like the other.

Who would that be? A or B?

And if so, why is she engaging in a polyamorous relationship with both of them if she's not fond of both at the same time?

Also... I don't think it should be your concern what both A and B are after from Kayla if she's not in your turf (a.ka. a friend or what) unless she is. I mean it's her life, her relationships... You could advise and call her an idiot (I think that counts too) but only to a certain extent?

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#7
Old 04-02-2008, 11:30 PM

In my opinion if she is "Sharing" her boyfriend it would be Austin with another girl or guy and Kayla being cool with it that would be "Sharing" to her.
However, I believe that is cheating if he doesn't know about this other guy and either way it would still kind of cheating but hey both of them agreeing that it is sharing and not cheating would make her and him in a pretty good relationship in which they kind of never can cheat.

Lsaylor
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#8
Old 04-02-2008, 11:30 PM

White;
Ive known Austin For a VERY long time.
10 years.
i know hell cheat on Her.
Because he dates a girl for 1-2 weeks then he breaks up with her or something bad happens causing them too.

i dont remember the other Guys Name.
But i know Kayla Hates Him To Death.
And.. i know Austin Doesnt Love Her Because he Never is Around her anymore.. which i have to hear.. and she knows i hate him to death. >_>

More or Less Kayla Is Being Treated like a Pet. not a human.


edit en;
Eh..
they all Know.
But. Kayla Hates that Guy Austin is Dating. and that guy hates he back. [Not Sure. Just random friends of her saying it] i still sa is cheating.. >_>.

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#9
Old 04-02-2008, 11:31 PM

In that case, just be supportive and advise her to end the relationship, because if she wants to be monogamous, and he doesn't, it isn't going to work out. He should be the one to compromise on this issue, not her.

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#10
Old 04-02-2008, 11:35 PM

it all just depends on the situation. My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 4 years. The last 2 years, another girl was involved too. i'm bi, but I'm not interested in her. My boyfriend loves both of us, and so far it has worked out well. We all live together, and plan to stay together as a family. I just had my first baby a month and a half ago, and the other girl is pregnant. Having extra help and support is wonderful. a lot of people look down on us for it, but it works for us. I know not everyone could do it, but if you try, and work through the hardships in the beginning, it can work out well.

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#11
Old 04-02-2008, 11:36 PM

Mhmm. So B's like that eh?

Technically it's not your concern anymore. Even if you're aware of the guy's track record and would like to help, you can only do so to a certain extent.

Relationships have an element of exclusive privacy wherein only those involved should have the right to meddle and tweak about with their affairs. No matter how much the outside world would like to butt in and help/destroy the situation.

Hence I keep saying it's not your concern. You have no business.

But you can try and tell Kayla or Austin.

TRY.

It won't guarantee that you will get the results you want---wait I'm almost making it sound tou want to control/change the tides for something you're not involved in... Is that what you're doing? If so... I don't know, Lacy. It's not nice.

ANYWAY.

As for the pet treatment, are you sure that's not just your opinion? The problem with second hand information (not from the direct source) is that they got muddled with biases and opinions. If anything, it would be nice to hear from Kayla herself as to how she is being treated/taking this than to hear it from you.

It could be only your point of view (Sorry, when you've been trained to scrutinize, you tend to flip around evidence a lot).

If I may ask, from your opinion, what is Kayla after in a relationship?

...Since some people DO practice polyamourous and master/pet set ups after all.

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#12
Old 04-02-2008, 11:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by whitebeast
My ex broke up with me because she had WAY TOO many demons on her shoulder. Stupid bitches. All three of them.

BUT ENOUGH OF THAT.

Wait.

So Kayla's in a relationship with your Ex (Let's call him A from then on) and a guy named Austin (who I'll refer to as B). But you're saying that Kayla is only fond of one guy and doesn't like the other.

Who would that be? A or B?

And if so, why is she engaging in a polyamorous relationship with both of them if she's not fond of both at the same time?

Also... I don't think it should be your concern what both A and B are after from Kayla if she's not in your turf (a.ka. a friend or what) unless she is. I mean it's her life, her relationships... You could advise and call her an idiot (I think that counts too) but only to a certain extent?
It's a V relationship, not a triangle relationship. Just because Austin-guy loves other-guy-guy doesn't mean Kayla-girl does or has any obligation. In fact Kayla-girl isn't even really being polyamorous here. She's just allowing Austin-guy to be. She doesn't have to love or like him, and it works still if she hates him, though she might not like the association.

Anyway, all that is besides the point. Just because it's a polyamoric situation does not mean that Austin-guy does not love her. It's only cheating if there's a betrayal of trust. If Austin-guy is being tactful and not keeping Kayla-girl in the dark about other-guy-guy, then it's not cheating, and I don't see why he wouldn't tell her about any other love interests.

Now, if he has lost interest in her, I'm not saying she has to reject him, but maybe she should at least communicate with him about what's going on.

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#13
Old 04-02-2008, 11:40 PM

OH!

So Kayla's involved with one of the guys who happens to be...

Oh I get it now. I got so confused...somewhat. X_x;

I thought Kayla was the one who had two men on her. Not that Austin had a girl and a guy at the same time!

I got it right ne? O.o

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#14
Old 04-02-2008, 11:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by whitebeast
OH!

So Kayla's involved with one of the guys who happens to be...

Oh I get it now. I got so confused...somewhat. X_x;

I thought Kayla was the one who had two men on her. Not that Austin had a girl and a guy at the same time!

I got it right ne? O.o
Correct. According to the OP, Austin-guy identifies as bisexual and is being polyamorous with Kayla-girl and other-guy-guy.

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#15
Old 04-02-2008, 11:43 PM

Peace;
fast reply x_x
Quote:
I Kinda Have this friend in real life her Name is Kayla
the reason why i put "kinda" is Because she Back stabed Me. ALOT. Which.. i really dont know why i still care about her but at the same time i dont wanna see her hurt.
Austin wouldnt care if she wanted it or not.
cookie;
Have you ever Thought they May not be your kid though? -_-' it could be HER kid. inside of you. and the other way around.
if your no Interested then its not a relship.
he could be using you both. <_<.

gah
white;
Kayla isnt Ready for Love.
but i meant as a pet a bad thing. He Ignores her alot. he Never is Around her anymore since he Faked a "Getting Sent away" deal.
i just dont wanna see her hurt.
im trying to TELL her hes ganna hurt her. but she wont listen.
and shes Getting Really Depressed bout it too.
and yeah.. i think your right.

Syko;
..so what your telling me youd be in a relship no one loves you?..


edit to everyone;
She said During Class today They Havent Talked for about a week and a half. but Austin is spending ALOT of time with the other Boy.

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#16
Old 04-02-2008, 11:50 PM

I'm not interested in the other girl, but we have a close friendship, plan to raise our children together as siblings. I doubt very much that our boyfriend would put up with so much, and stick around with both of us now that their are kids if he was just using us. The relationship has been going strong for a little over 2 years, we've had our problems, but we've worked through them. It works for some people. Why do people think you can't love more than one person? A parents can love multiple children equally, why can't it work in other situations to?

and what is meant by it might not be my kid? how would that work?

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#17
Old 04-02-2008, 11:51 PM

If that's what she chooses to do, there's not much you can do about it. If everyone in the relationship agrees on doing something like that, it's not really cheating. Though it can easily lead to jealousy and arguments. But if she wants to take that risk that's her problem. I could never do something like that. I don't like the idea of sharing someone at all, or of people sharing me. But some people like that sort of thing and who's to tell them how to run their life?

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#18
Old 04-02-2008, 11:54 PM

Just how old is Kayla anyway? O_o;

And you... If my guess is right and you're all in the same grade, HOLY COW FROM INDIA! o_O;

Already engaging in sexual intercourse?! -sorry my bias from a conservative country kicked in along with my bias from a health perspective >w>; It's nto healthy for either of you I read-

Okay. That was uncalled for but...how worrisome.

Not only is it unhealthy but at the same time... Not ready indeed.

If you mean love as making love then what the---Kayla shouldn't even be thinking of such things!

With my Stat teacher as reference, teenagers have growing brains therefore underdeveloped bodies and brain matter. Hence their hormones are unstable. By the time they're only 25 can they be considered adult/stable hence at this time, most people would say that teenagers need to be guided A LOT.

Now, thing is... It's so EASY to mistake hormones for love and go all the way.

Or to say you're doing it for love since you're a girl. I don't know... Why the heck is love being used as a justification/cover up for hormones these days? xD;

At any rate...

Kayla has some rights over the guy too. She should somewhat impose/use those rights to actually get some from the relationship as well. Unless she's okay with being put aside, which as you said isn't as how how she would like it.

But seriously---what does Kayla want from a relationship? Regardless if she's ready for it or not by your standards?

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#19
Old 04-03-2008, 12:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lsaylor
Syko;
..so what your telling me youd be in a relship no one loves you?..
Actually I'd rather avoid a lot of the relationship stuff and instead just go for love and sex. That doesn't mean I'm not committed though. I just have my own opinions about relationships. :P

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#20
Old 04-03-2008, 12:10 AM

Ah...For open relationships are we, Syko? If you're happy and good with the arrangement then go ahead. No one should judge you.

^^;

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#21
Old 04-03-2008, 12:18 AM

i agree..no such thing as 'sharing'

Syko
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#22
Old 04-03-2008, 12:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by whitebeast
Ah...For open relationships are we, Syko? If you're happy and good with the arrangement then go ahead. No one should judge you.

^^;
Exactly, but people do. Labels come with all kinds of extra baggage, even things like "open relationships". Which is why I prefer to simply say I "love and let love, and have sex and let have sex. And be tactful while doing so, of course."

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#23
Old 04-03-2008, 01:20 AM

True true... Free will and let live. Indeed.

As long as everyone's good with the idea and stick to it then we're fine.

...Pssh. I'm supportive because I'm open and I accept stuff. Not because I'm into it. I'm currently in an exclusive relationship. Very exclusive. He'd kill me if I cheated on him. ^^;;

Pssh. Where's the advising now? xD

Syko
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#24
Old 04-03-2008, 02:20 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by whitebeast
True true... Free will and let live. Indeed.

As long as everyone's good with the idea and stick to it then we're fine.

...Pssh. I'm supportive because I'm open and I accept stuff. Not because I'm into it. I'm currently in an exclusive relationship. Very exclusive. He'd kill me if I cheated on him. ^^;;

Pssh. Where's the advising now? xD
Should extra wisdom be unwelcome? :P

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#25
Old 04-03-2008, 01:07 PM

Well, if all parties in the relationship know about each other and are okay with it then it is polyamory (or at least I believe that's the term...) not cheating. But this Austin guy doesn't sound like he's too interested in Kayla anyway. >_>

 


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