FARK! $250 paid on that kid's camp, and now I've got to pull another magic $250 from nowhere before Friday... Apparently education was meant to be free to kids in NZ, but I don't think so. I've never been so financially stung in all my life, as I have been today. OUCHIES!
Fuck off. Seriously. I want to move on with my life, like you should be too. Quit sending me lists of videos randomly on Facebook and also quit accusing me of stealing your jokes on Twitter when I obviously haven't. Get a life and leave mine alone.
You know what you were getting in to.
You need to accept every part of me. Do not tease me about how I love gay people and don't tease me about my sexuality... I take it to heart.... I really do. I know you mean no harm but really.... don't...
*sigh*
Dear God,
You took my great aunt away this passed Friday. I am sad but I know she is there with you. She came to terms with her fate and I am glad you gave me the chance to see her one last time last summer. I am glad you let me talk to her a month before her passing. Thank you for taking away her pain and restoring her body.
Dear great aunt,
I miss you dearly and I can't believe you are gone. I know I barely knew you but I am so glad that I got to see you again this passed summer. I hated seeing you in pain though. It hurt so much... I cried and I am fighting tears right this very moment. I love you so much.... I ... I will see you when I pass. R.I.P
You meant alot to me. The last conversation we had was the best. I hope it meant alot to you too.
Definitely a letter I would not send to the guy, but I like the idea of venting. I've kept quiet for three months now, and it hurts, so I thank the creator of this thread for opening a mailbox for the letters I cannot send, but must express.
Note: Naur (no, not someone on menewsha, in case anyone actually has this username ^^;)
Dear Naur,
I could never tell you, because I did not have the guts. I loved you, and only a day after my breakup with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, you were not a rebound to me even though you did not know about him. Now, you and I aren't speaking, and I can't even look you in the eye. But I miss you dearly. You were everything I wanted.
When I met you, you were 12 years older than me, lost the love of your life two years ago when she cheated and left you and blamed you for everything, you were an Army vet, and you were unbelievably charming. You were mature, you were very friendly, and reluctant to trust. When I came along, you went to events with me, you always crossed the room just to say hello to me no matter who you were talking to, and you'd walk me to the bus stop across the street when it got dark out. Then, you'd wait for me to log on, and you'd talk to me all night, making sure I got home safe and just talking about anything. You introduced me to Anonymous, right and wrong, and so much more. I grew up fast when I met you, and they were very happy days of my life.
Then, you went away on Winter break. Gone to see your family on the East Coast. I understood. We had a conversation on the evening of December 22nd, I'm sure you remember it. I questioned who you were, whether you'd only settle for becoming a math professor or if you could be more than who you are today. My wording was awful, what I really meant was, could you take me down the road with you? But it did not come out this way at all, and I knew I angered you. On other occasions, you'd think I was fighting with you, but you didn't understand when I said I don't fight with my friends. What you didn't know was I don't fight with friends, but I'll occasionally have small disagreements/fights with people I LOVE. What you never could understand, was that the reason I'd kiss you, hug you, play games like tag with you and our friends, and basically live for you was because I loved you. You were more addictive than any addiction I could ever have.
After the way you responded to me December 22nd, I knew you could never understand me. I further learned through your previous blog writings that you had extreme anger issues. I remember growing up in a household where my dad was the same way, and police officers would come to visit our house more than my own friends would. There's another something about me that you never knew. Because you didn't ask about me much. You told me all this stuff about your life, and I now carry your story close to heart. I don't blame you for what you did in the army, because I understand it was duty. I don't blame you for your ex fiancee, because I know it was not your fault. You're blameless, darling. I would have stayed by your side screaming this if only I could forgive.
You said I didn't truly know you, and perhaps this is true. I thought you were wonderful. You knew me even less. All you wanted from me was physical pleasure, but I want so much more. You claim to be disgusted by men who are players, but when I look into your eyes all I can see now is the exact monster you hate. I could not stay by your side. I did not want anger, misunderstandings, monsters, and my unforgiving nature to plague my future. Had I stayed with you and helped you heal, I would have had to stay with you for the rest of my life, becoming a crutch to the broken. But you would have never kept me. Just how you were so wonderful to me, I see you using the exact same charms on another girl shamelessly. Unfortunately you learned nothing from me, and I learned nothing from you.
I am back with my previous ex, back to the way I was before I met you, but much sadder, and when you found out about my relationship change, you never directly spoke to me about it, much how you never asked me if I had or didn't have a boyfriend in the first place. Instead, you stopped speaking to me. I remember the last conversation you and i had face-to-face, and while short it was, when I said goodbye as you turned to walk away, you will know that is not a word I use lightly. When I say goodbye to someone, I really do intend to never be associated with that person ever again. Perhaps this was the only thing you caught on to, since you don't even acknowledge my mere presence anymore.
Sir, you were everything I wanted. Everything, but a player.
I have a song for you. You should also recognize it, as you posted it directly after I offended you on the evening of December 22nd. It coes a little something like this:
So, with much dread, I must move on. I loved you, I still miss you for some reason, and I know that you will never understand. :feesh:
Goodbye,
Vanedhel
Dear Junior Class,
You think we can't see you looking at us. Why do you care so much? Just turn the fuck around. We hear you talking, we see you looking, we KNOW you don't like us. We have come to you about it specifically asking if you had a problem. You all said no... Then what the hell is up with you people. We do nothing to you, live your lives and stop putting your nose in ours. It is ridiculous how oblivious you think we are. You say we are immature when you guys act ten times worse than us. We are serious about most things but we love to make people laugh. Since when is having fun and laughing immature. You do the same thing. Isn't that being a hypocrite? Yes it is.
Please stop acting so high and mighty when we all know you are all insecure about yourselves on the inside. We all see it. Look in the mirror and reevaluate yourself before you come at others.
You make fun of people with disabilities! You make fun of my boyfriend just because he is smart and has better grades than you all! you guys hate me and Alana because we can make people laugh without picking other people apart. We have fun and we have a life. We don't judge and we don't care about people like you. It just irritates me when you say things about my boyfriend and my friends. You can say whatever you want about me but seriously.... Stop calling Alana, Jacob, and I fat. We are not 'fat' You really don't know how that affects people. You don't know our past! I have really bad insecurities, my boyfriend is basically second guessing himself because of what you say, and Alana is acting weird and quiet. The people like you in this world make me want to puke. You make me sick and I know you guys know that. You need the attention~ The attention is amazing to you. I don't get it! You people act so different when you are alone and without your little possy. Ugh I will stop here... I could go on and on ...
Dear Rob,
I wrote you a heartfelt letter - and all i get is words that don't mean nothing to you. You hurt me, you used me. And you feel no remorse, no sorrow, no guilt over what you did to me. I'm not the first person you've done this too and i'm sure i won't be the last. Because you can never make up your mind, and you never stick to anything - your so undecisive. I'm glad it's over. It doesn't feel like it right now, i feel hurt and betrayed and upset. And alone... But i will eventually see that this was the best thing that could have happened. Right now i wish, i never got back with you. I'm sorry, but you are selfish - and i just hate you so much right now. But i won't tell you that, i'm learning to be better then that. So goodbye, and goodluck. That's the end of this chapter with you.
What was with those dreams last night? They were really weird, and somewhat unsettling. I'm over it, now could you let it go. I don't want to think about these things anymore. I just wanna move on.
Has someone put a spell on me or something? These old memories didn't used to come up so much. I liked it that way. Especially with the reaction I got to. . . Maybe I should have just kept pretending to be normal. Things would have been less. . . maybe less complicated? Less awful certainly. :(
Dear God,
Thank you for only letting the things the thieves took be CDs and DVDs, some of which didn't work anyway.
They got screwed on that. They won't be worth anything anyway, even the ones that work.
I hope the other people's storage lockers that got broken into were as lucky as my family was.
And I hope they catch the person(s) responsible for it.
You know I have issues. You know it's hard for me to deal sometimes, and if you want to actually be friends with me you have to accept that. I'm sorry if that's hard, but giving up, or treating me this way. . . that's not okay.
You really expect me to come back when you pull this crap? One more year, and I'll be able to leave you in the dust. You know what? I am NOT mentioning you in my novels, nor will I be thanking you, since if I stayed with your program like you wanted, I'd never have written a novel, and there would be a chance that things would've gotten to be too much.
Dear you know who,
She may be your wife, but she's my mother. You say to shrug it off, but you must not realize that I'm half of her, take almost everything personally, and she can make my life a living hell with a snap of her fingers. I'm LEARNING, thank you very much. I really am. Also? I'm tired of being the spouse. I'm the kid. You start listening to her for a change. Even if you just smile and nod, it'd take a whole lot of stress off of me. I shouldn't be worrying about this stuff.
Dear Powers that Be,
Thank you for getting us the tickets. :D Thank you, thank you, thank you for not putting more obstacles in our way for right now, and opening up other pathways for me to travel down. Thank you for letting the boys that stole my heart and help me create come this close to me, even if I wasn't able to meet them yet. Or see them. But that's okay. I'm just glad that they came to North America. :) Thank you for all of the gifts you've given us. I'm grateful.
Dear Jesse,
I got all fucked up again. I'm so sorry.. I'm just overwhelmed. The baby, my grandmother's death, my friend's wedding.. I just want to lay in bed for the rest of of my life. And now it's your stupid birthday and you're expecting me to set up a party for you. Um, I passed out drunk and full of tears at your place the last few nights.. Am I in a state of mind to set up a party? No. So we're going out to eat and that's it. No fucking party. I'm trying so hard to be strong and happy around you, but I can't do it anymore. Therapy sucks, so don't start. Just let me be depressed for awhile, okay?
-your useless girlfriend
Dear Violet,
I miss you with everything inside me. Literally. You should be here with me, I miss having someone with me. And of course, I can't say any of this around my friends or family. Even the people that know about it feel too awkward and weird talking about it. Like they don't want to hurt my feelings, but they are hurting me by pretending that nothing happened. I don't think filling my belly with alcohol is working. Help me, stupid.
-your stupid mother
Thank you for making me feel better. :) You are an awesome friend. I hope I never lose contact with you, because you've gotten me through a lot of really tough times. :) Thanks for being awesome.
You no longer deserve your title of father. You've been crap to me my whole life. You dumped me off on grandma, your mother... who should have been enjoying her retirement, instead of raising an unwanted kid. The times you hit me, and chased me around, and used intimidation tactics to get me to listen... That wasn't cool. I'll always be grateful to grandma that she stood up to you, when you chased me around the breakfast table, for not taking my singlet off. You know why I didn't take it off? Because you never bought me any new clothes. The only under garments I had was that one singlet. Naturally, I didn't want to take it off in front of everyone either, because I wanted to do it privately. I was a growing girl, and I didn't want to expose my chest. Completely understandable for someone going through puberty.
So grandma stood in your way, and yelled at you! She literally had to yell at you. "Leave her alone Nick! Don't you touch her!" You slunk off like a little slug, and weren't all blazing guns after that. Good! You don't use stand over tactics like that. I'm now raising my 12 year old sister, and although she grates at me sometimes, I would never, ever dream of chasing her around, and yelling at her. Grabbing her, and shoving her. Physically rip her clothes off her. You're disgusting. Then you'd go off with the cadets constantly, raising other people's kids. You were not fit to raise me, what made you fit enough to raise other people's kids? Oh that's right, because you were used as a free baby sitting service on Tuesday nights, and weekends. One day, many years later you told me "I know I was not a father to you, but I hope that raising other children makes up for it."
That's not fair to say at all. I didn't have a mother, who was present. She would rather stand back and watch her boyfriend beat me up. All I had was grandma, who was aging and unable to keep up with my energy level. It's so incredibly selfish of you to say that, because it puts the onus on me, to agree. If I don't I look like the complete jerk. It takes all the pressure off you, for your absence. You only raised those kids because you got kicked out of the Army, and wanted to use your training on something. Running around in the bush with kids pretending to do ambushes, and wearing that fake Lieutenant rank was the best you could do. You're a complete loser, and I no longer look up to you.
The fact that you chose my birthday, to get married to your wife I can't stand, is further proof that you're a selfish jack ass. There have been quite a few years where you forgot my birthday. The last year I lived in the same city, I cooked my own birthday dinner, put together my own party and invited you around. The moment your wife said "Oh we need to go shopping" was the moment you got up and left. Interestingly, it was right after you had finished your meal. So we were also stuck with the dishes. There's nothing like packing up your own birthday party, and having to remind your guests (Your own FATHER) to come around, because you completely forgot it was my birthday at all. A few weeks later you tell me, you chose my birthday as your wedding anniversary for my sake... ??? You made that decision for me! Which is definitely not something I would have agreed to. You also said you did it to remember my birthday... Uhh well that clearly didn't work did it?
Your wife told me you were a great father... which made me want to throw up. She's never known you as a father, because the fact is you're not her father, and never were. How can she comment on something she doesn't know? I lived in the flat behind you by the time she arrived, so there's nothing she has to base her awesome fatherly observations on anyway. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Dear Sarah.
We have been friends for about 14 years now. 12 of those we've been best friends. I can honestly say that we've been through a lot of ups and downs. But in all honesty nothing major. We've always overcome every thing that has ever caused a riff in our relationship (which isn't often). This has been the most effortless relationship i've ever had. I am truly grateful, for all that you've done for me, for all that you've done for my family. And i will love you always, despite what i'm about to say...
Now, i don't really understand something. Maybe someone else can shed some light. But it seems like your out to sabotage anything good that i have. You have EVERYTHING in life that i could desire. A good career, a good husband, money coming in, money in savings, and now a baby on the way. I envy you, but i am happy that you have those things. You have worked hard for them. Although even people who work hard like you - find it hard to have all these things, you've been really lucky. I just don't understand why with all these blessings, does it feel like it's not enough for you. You have to destroy any happiness i might have. Well maybe saying that is a bit too harsh. But it just feels like maybe your a little jealous of me. But i can't quite understand why.
I told you i didn't want to go to the pokies, After losing $250.00 on a depressing bender. And then a further $100.00. I told you no! And you said "oh just take money from robs stash". Argh, you hung around so bad inticing me that i felt i had no choice! And everytime we go out, for dinner or whatever. You are forever inticing me to eat burgers and fatty foods. EVEN when you know i'm on a diet. And again this weekend you just invite me out with geeta and everyone - saying you'll pay for me and what not. But that's not the point! I don't want charity, i don't like going out without my own money. And most certainly do not need to get wasted and fuck up my already dying kidneys. What don't you get when i say i'm diabetic i can't do that shit anymore, and that it makes me sick for 2-3 days. I can't do that when i have work on monday!!! I just can't do that anymore, my doc has said if i don't change my ways and life asap i will end up on dialysis!! It just doesn't seem to sink in. And i wind up feeling like the boring old nana, cause i can't hang with the cool kids.
When i told you about Rob and i, breaking up. You seemed pretty happy, and infact everytime i mention that we might get back together, you throw something snarky in there. Like it's your life, and you get to decide what to do with it. When i told you that i needed help in getting a car, and i didn't know what to do. Instead of just being a supportive friend, you kept on throwing stupid ideas at me, about how i could get a car. When you know all too well why i couldn't do those things, or followup on those ideas. It's like you think that money will just appear out of thin air. I'm sorry but this is one time i didn't land on my feet. I'm finding it incredibly hard - i pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, since rob has gone and taken that extra $150 weekly.
I don't know... A lot of people have said. That you only hang out with them when it's convienant for you. On your terms, and they're always doing what you want mainly. And that 99% of the time your talking about yourself and your fantastic life. I've always defended you, when people have spoken bad about you. And had malicious hurtful things to say about your arrogance. But i think now i am beggining to see what i failed to see all these years.
But it still baffles me, because i don't have anything. And you have everything. So why, do you act this way? All i know is, i am weary of you now. And i will be careful of what i say to you from now on. And i will overcome my problems and i will come out on top. The difference is, that i've been through it all. And when something terrible happens in your life, its going to fall apart. Because you don't know heartache and you don't know struggle. And it's going to hit you like a ton of bricks.
----------
Dear Rob,
After the phone call we had tonight and the last 3 days that you've neglected me and ignored me. It is well and truly over. I can't believe how much you have disrespected me. And instead of being a man and just walking away, you continued to use me for sex, and companionship. I really feel so much anger towards you at the moment. But i refuse to let it bring me down. I really thought we could turn this ship around, now that we're living apart and were getting a long a lot better. But i think i knew deep down that it wasn't going to work. And i longed for someone new, who could treat me so much better then you have the entire time we've been together. Surely i deserve more. Yes i do f'n deserve so much more!!
You will wake up one day and regret this moment. But you had countless chances and you blew them. It's funny how you think your so wise and intelligent. And you think you can tell people how to be free of themselves. Honey you can't even free yourself from your insane mind. Monkey see monkey do, sweet heart. Learn to crawl before you walk.
You're so lazy, and so arrogant, and so selfish. I don't think you will ever learn. And you will never know how to treat a woman with respect. I feel sorry for you, i feel sorry for all the pain and shit you've been through as a child, and the decisions you made as an adult. I'm sorry you lost your daughter. Maybe now you have a chance to get her back.
It's over. I'm not going to be used by you anymore.
All the best for the rest of your life. And maybe we can be friends. But i think i need time to process this whole thing first.
----------
Dear God,
I am trying hard to be strong. To not cry, to not feel lonely and scared. I want so badly to reach my goals, to achieve them all. I want so badly to find love again... Not right now. But further down the track. And i just want so badly for him to be the one this time, to not have to go through this shit anymore. Please God, please tell me things will get better. That i have come through the storm and now it's smooth sailing. Please tell me i will feel so much better soon. I need the pain to end, i need the good to come in, for longer then two minutes. I need good things to rain down on me....
----------
Dear________.
I am so happy for you hun. You deserve this, and i hope that this time it's for real. And this time God has blessed you with what you truly desire and deserve. It's been a long journey, but you never gave up hope. And soon you will be happier then you could have imagined you'd be.
Don't worry about anyone else's shit. You've come through it all, you've been a strong independent woman & you've made it without any of their help. They will get what's coming to them if they haven't already! B'archs.
Love you girl, keep your head up. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, swimming... ~ Dory :P
Karma is a bitch, they say. Sometimes it's better to do nothing and let the pieces fall into place because people will bring their own destruction upon them. However, it is fun to watch from the shadows as they do it, not having to lift a finger. Satisfying, very satisfying...
My only regret is my friend isn't here to see it because I know they'd enjoy the moment as well. Get well soon!
But either way...this moment will still be beautiful.
Dear Fate/Goddess/Universe/Whoever up there thought this was a good idea
I can't take much more of this. How much more do I have to lose before I'm allowed to have a happy existence? You gave me a losing hand the day I was born and continue to stack the deck against me... why? What have I done to deserve all of this?
You let me be born to an abusive fucked up family, then you decided it wasn't enough so you had me abused by my first three lovers. Oh, and of course then it's my fault I turned to sex and alcohol for everything. What was I supposed to do, when it was all I knew? When I did find real love, she turned out to be worse than the others, turning on me when I thought everything was perfect. Does anyone truly deserve a knife in their back?
I never cried when my father died, and I felt only numb when I found my mother's body, but when you stole my little boy from me, I wanted to scream. He never did anything, he was the sweetest thing to ever walk this earth, what did he do to deserve death?
And now, after all this, you have taken away Hitoshi, the man who took care of me when my parents didn't. How much more do I have to lose? Will you steal away my daughter? The twins? My fiance?
I just can't comprehend how so many bad things can happen to one person. I don't want to end it, I just want things to get better. I have three children now that need a father, but I can't be a very good one when all I want to do is hide away from the living world, trying to simply remain afloat on these tides of insanity and sorrow that continue to follow me. Please, whoever is out there, all I want to know is why.
Stop aching, please. I can't afford to go see a dentist just yet nor can Wesley afford to take the time off. His vacation days have to go towards Tyler's appointments. I mean... I brush, floss, and use mouthwash all the time. So why are you aching? :( Not cool, man.
Liz
Dear God,
I don't think I thank you enough for all the blessings in my life. But I am thankful for them. And even for the times like today where my tooth is bothering me. Because it could be more painful than it is. And I am thankful for the fact that Tyler's dentist appointment went so well. Not quite as many cavities as we thought. Though it's still not going to be cheap at $180 a tooth. :( And the fact that Tyler enjoyed going here even though it was his first visit there.
I feel guilty. Incredibly so. I asked that she go peacefully, and she did. For that I feel entirely grateful. I feel guilty because I am relieved, even more then I am sad. She was suffering so very much. It was all I could do to not cry, now she is free from that pain, and she is with you. I couldn't ask for more from the situation. Take care of her, and send her lots of love.
Dear Mum,
I wish you would grow the eff up. Your a grown woman with kids, and you still act like a spoilt child.
I am sick and tired of your negativity and your evilness. What sort of person says they hope someones unborn child dies? Even if you hate their guts. Seriously, i had to close my door on your bs. Because 1. I don't need it, i am trying to damn hard to attract good things in life... and 2. It's eff'n pathetic and guess what that stuff comes back on you!! Karma can be a bitch like that.
So instead of moaning about you never getting any luck and anywhere in life. Why don't you go out there and make something great happen! It's not going to happen if you sit around and wait for it. It's never too late! All your children are grown and you have no one to answer too. And perhaps stop dogging everyone else and blaming everyone else for your misfortune woman. I'm sick and tired of hearing it!
I can really see now, why Rob always called you evil, and why he couldn't wait to get the hell out of here. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. Unfortunately im stuck here, and even if i had the money to leave - you'd guilt me into staying.
Just can't win, i just wish, you'd realize how much damage you've caused to your children and everyone who has ever been a part of your life. And make some amends, and stop being a bitch.
---
Dear Rob,
Your an idiot. It was nice to hear that you miss me so much, and can't stop thinking about me and have been crying and listening to love songs. I don't know why you play these games. But i guess now you know i'm not taking the bait, and i certainly ain't putting up with anymore crap.
In all honesty you coulda been the perfect boyfriend. You certainly have an openness and understanding that no other male i've met has. But you also need to have a certain amount of manliness as well. I told you that it's the small things that counted. And unfortunately you just couldn't stack up. I dunno what's gonna happen from here. But i can tell you, that i miss you a little less each day.
---
Dear God/spirit guides/universe,
Thank you again for the blessings that i have. Thank you for watching over everyone that i love and care about, and thank you for the blessings that i prayed for - that my friends have manifested in their lives too.
Please help me achieve those goals and visions for my future that i have on my vision board. I really need that treadmill to get the ball pumping. I hope that it's not too much hassle to get, i was disappointed to hear that my branch didn't have them :(. I really hope Jacqui sorts it. It's happening, slowly but surely! Am stoked that one of my visions, seems to be falling into place! Expanding the social circle! Cooperate box for the netball this sun, so stoked!! Can't believe Sia thinks im a cool person to hang out with ^^. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now just to get the most important stuff sorted. I can't believe this is actually working. Ofcourse i believe it's with your help, always with your guidance & love.
Thank you, love always.
You are entitled to your opinion and everything. You are my boyfriend so I will listen. I get that you are worried about my future and you want me to do well in school. I know I am always tired... I know that I am often irritated. I will be okay. I am trying okay. At least know that. I knew you were listening when I was ranting about my grades earlier... I will never tell you that what you said hurt me though. You already have enough on your plate... I don't want you to tackle being worried about me and school altogether.
And... you just texted me that I have potential... and that I deserve a better school, a better life and a better you.
WHAT THE ..... Where is this all coming from!? I don't get why you ALWAYS put yourself down. I am dating you right!? Obviously you are good enough. I don't need some chiseled movie star looking person to make me happy. I am perfectly happy with you. Come on, we are teenagers. I would like to think we would get married someday but it is hard to see that future when the person you are dating thinks so low of themselves....
Thanks for the job, and leaving me alone for the most part, as I get on with my duties and you get on with yours. But it's not cool approaching the other workers and talking about me, as if I'm not there. I know you want me to learn the glass jobs, so Helen can lessen her work load, but the fact is she just doesn't want to teach me. She says she does, but it's that age old saying 'What you say, and do, are two completely different things'. She isn't teaching me, because she's crazy busy as well. She wants to get her work done, and I want to get my work done. Why? Because if we start training, and I start doing Helen's jobs, it puts two of us behind on work. Then you get up my ass about not doing any work. I can not stand that you approach Helen, and talk about me behind my back. If you have an issue, be a boss and come to me! You do know that what you say to her, gets told to me eventually? and coming from Helen it just rubs me up the wrong way. Her english is bad, and she probably comes off a lot harsher than what you actually meant originally.
Saying shit like I'm not busy enough, is totally incorrect. It looks that way, because I strive to have most of my jobs (if not all) completed at the end of the week. That's pretty tough going! We're in art restoration, and it has to be perfect. Sometimes we have to redo a job just to get it to an acceptable level. I'm proud in my work, and I want people to stand back, and freak out at how well their piece has been treated. I do this, because it's what I'd expect personally. These people pay big money. This week alone, I've finished 7 projects, all of which have been priced over $350 each. That's returning more money, than you pay me per week. So if you feel like I'm working slow, why don't you look at the figures? Asshole. You drive around in a big ass Mercedes Benz four wheel drive, because all of us bust our arses off for you each week. Dude seriously, if I work any harder, I'm going to kill our unborn baby from the stress alone, and my fingers will be worn down into little bloody nubs!
I was going to come home, and lie down, maybe bawl my eyes, get all emotional. I just felt like I was walking around with this huge thundery rain cloud over my head all day. I felt like I couldn't look anyone in the eye, you just completely stripped my confidence. I've also felt in the past that you were an ass, for the things I've heard you say behind other people's backs. But then I thought we were getting past that childish bullshit. I actually started to be grateful that I had a boss like you, and you go and act like this. 25 years in the police force, and you're a childish brat through and through. That's one thing I miss about the Army. No back chatting bollocks. What was said behind closed doors, was left there. You confided grievances in one person, who would not spread it any further.
When Helen repeated your words, it just utterly crushed me. I don't even think she could understand, that what she was telling me, was really hurtful. I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry, storm out, or laugh out of craziness? Yesterday I was terrified at the prospect of having to leave my job, with a baby on the way. But today, I just wanted to walk out and not look back. Honestly, if I won the lotto - last week I would have stayed on three days a week, purely because I love what I do, this week, I'd be gone in a heart beat. So, what to do with my hurt ass feelings? Listen to: Flight of the Conchords
and remember this fabulous quote, that popped on my Facebook as soon as I got home...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Some wise person
Don't take anything personally!
Nothing others do, is because of you
What others do and say is a projection
of their own reality, their own dream
When you are immune to the opinions
and actions of others, you won't be the
victim of NEEDLESS suffering
Mother, you were there throughout my childhood, teaching me everything I know now. You taught me that men were scum, creatures who only hurt us. You taught me that they rape us and hold us back. Men only cheat on you and keep you from you dreams, like they did Grandma. Of course, Dad, who paid for you to go to school is totally the person who made you drop out and work at McDonald's when you only had two credits left. He's also the person who "NEVER" tried to get you to go back on his dime. Despite everything he did for you, you still destroyed much of his house with your compulsive hoarding. Oh, speaking of destroying, can we add on my self worth? Oh, let's turn back the clock to age twelve, when I was looking in the large mirror in the living room near the book shelf (which was filled with all your crap, by the way). "Oh, honey, you'd have such a cute figure if only you were thin." I was twelve. I had baby fat that I quickly grew out of. You told me that men would have issues with the way my face looked, but I couldn't be with women because lesbianism is soooo wrong. Even though you always knew that was the way I was leaning-ever since I was a child. You forced me to live in a pink bedroom, have pink toys, long haircuts, girly clothes...all I wanted were some damned cargo pants and a crew cut. Really, is that so wrong? When we were shopping for school clothes, you wouldn't let me have the shorts I wanted because I would look like a dyke. When I told you I liked women, you told me I was wrong and tried to make the issue about yourself. If anything, mother, being around you should've turned me from women completely.--But no, actually you turned me from men...and then poisoned my father on my birthday. You're so lucky he survived. Then you split up, told me you loved me, and abandoned me for a life of drugs and booze. Thanks mother.
I haven't talked to you in almost six years. I screamed at you on the phone and hung up. You didn't come after me, you didn't call for me ever again...you never even tried. I don't care that I left you because you left me first.
Please, please, please help us! I had a feeling deep down, that we would be leaving this place under an eviction notice. That day has come... As of today, we have 42 days to leave. My heart sunk when Joe called me at work, and said "I've got bad news". I knew it was either a death, or something to do with the house. We're essentially homeless... I've never felt so small, and insignificant as I do right now. We're completely at the mercy of others. So many people in this city are looking for homes, and here we are, joining them.
We only just found out I'm pregnant. Something we've both shed many tears over, and prayed so hard for. It was bitter sweet to be given baby's due date, right after being told I won't have a home in 42 days. We were contacted via email even, which made it so much more impersonal... Even if the landlord called, and said "I'm sorry, but ___ is moving back in. Thank you for looking after the place". That would have been much nicer, than just kicking us out via email. It was so weird, that he mentioned his daughter's engagement in the eviction notice as well... "___ and her new fiance are moving back in". Well I'm happy for her, but sad to get such a kick in the face, at the same time...
We also have my 12 year old sister, who has only just settled in with the move. I called mum, and broke the news to her. She didn't even care at all. She just kept saying that things would work out... How does she know that? She's not the one carrying an early pregnancy, and being scared to death every second of another miscarriage. She's not working her arse off fulltime, to make ends meet. She isn't trying to raise a socially backwards 12 year old, who has the life skills of a toddler... How can she just say that, without offering to take her own daughter back? I don't want to let my sister go, but we can't face uncertainty and drag her through that. Especially with the new baby on the way... money is going to be tight. Especially since our rent will no doubt increase. I'm sure there will be some hungry nights ahead.
For the first time in my life, I truly feel like packing up everything, throwing it all in, and moving on. Somewhere overseas, where there are more opportunities. I just want stability for my family. Especially my unborn child, who may not make it with all the stress I'm suddenly going through. Thank goodness my boss saw the seriousness of this situation, and allowed me to come home... even though I only have one viewing lined up for a new place. Please, please, please help me for the sake of my child. I'm terrified out of my whits. I don't want to leave this city, I can't go back home to where our horrible families are. I would never get a job.
