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AldreaOrcinae
High Priestess of Lushotology
597.02
AldreaOrcinae is offline
 
#19
Old 05-27-2010, 04:08 AM

Don't blame yourself. If his mom was really that depressed, one night's dinner with her son probably wouldn't have made a difference. It seems insensitive to say, but it's true. It was just a case of bad timing- you asking your boyfriend to help you study the night before something terrible and out of your control happened. It doesn't mean you don't deserve to be his girlfriend.

As for what to do, yes, you DO have a right to be there for him. How do I know this? Because you say he called you before calling 911. He gave you that right. And the thing about this situation is you don't have to say anything, except "I am here when you want to talk." After that, all you must do is listen. There is no way you can know in advance how he will deal with this. He probably doesn't even know how he'll deal with this. Just let him know, "Hey, I am here whenever you need me, in whatever capacity". That statement will teach him that you are not judging him, or his situation. You are not expecting him to go through a grieving process at any given rate or order. You are simply stating that you will be there for him whenever the process starts and whatever road it takes.

Personally, I wish I would have had someone as willing as you to support me when my great grandfather passed away. He was the closest thing to a real parent I had ever experienced, and when he died, all I got were people wondering if I was going to be singing at his funeral, and idiotc questions like "do you miss him?". At the funeral, the priest from our local church turned his eulogy into a tirade against the members of the family who who were no longer attending/donating to his church and mentioned me specifically, when my great-grandfather never attended his church in the first place. After that, the only thing my grandmother (his daughter, whom I lived with at the time) said to console me was "At least his funeral had a good turnout" and proceeded to beat me when my reply was "It was a funeral, not a rock concert." All I wanted was someone to quietly sit beside me and say "If you need me, I'm here, and if you don't, I'm still here." I never got that, and because of that the subject of his death is still very sensitive to me when I should have been over it by now.

So just let your boyfriend know that while you may not have any life experience or sage advice to contribute to his situation, you are there to support him and make him feel loved. That is really the best you can do, and the most he can expect of you. I wish you the best of luck.