Hi Rozzykins!

I'm so sleepy today, Jacob woke me up at 8:30 this morning after hubs and I stayed up til like midnight. [zzz] Can't concentrate on my homework. Maybe I'll just take a late afternoon nap anyways.

Aww, that sucks. :c
Ewww homework on Sundays. That's no fun! A nap would be nice though.

Vanora: I just don't get why people say that Mene is a happy place... it honestly isn't, and most people prefer not to talk to people outside their friend groups... "WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL... all over again..." UGH! NO THANKS! I didn't enjoy high school, it wasn't bad, but I didn't really like it much either. I hate cliques and that's exactly what Mene has and if you try to talk to people in those cliques, they attack you and make you feel like crap... I hate this! D: And people basically treat me like I'm making all of this up, and that I'm doing this for attention... no I'm not... It's not being made up, and I'm NOT one to do this for attention. I'm just tired of people acting like it's OK to ignore it, and to treat people like crap and as if they don't have feelings... because WORDS do hurt!!! T_T

Yeah, I only like milk chocolate though, don't like dark chocolate. xD
I can't drink anything caffeinated, and I made a promise to a friend who got taken from his family because of drugs and alcohol and I won't drink because of that.

But see that's only blind... Naomi is 100% deaf, and legally blind at the same time. Much more challenging. Because she can see, sign is the only way to communicate, but because she didn't go deaf till she was almost 18, she can talk, which throws me off... because I'll sign, and she'll verbalize, but I have to respond to her in sign. [yes]

I honestly don't like the city at all! D: I want my tiny small town back! :(( But I can't. I'm stuck here.

Most high schools don't teach sign, I've noticed. Makes me sad.

---------- Post added 10-06-2013 at 12:54 PM ----------

When does one not have homework when in school? It's a neverending project... really, truly... it doesn't end. Even when you want it to, it doesn't. Therefore homework on the weekends will always happen.

I try to talk to anyone really, but I also don't really look too much into it.

I'm not a fan of dark chocolate either, it's too strong for my taste.
My dad used to drink religiously, until he got arrested for domestic violence, and after that he got cleaned up.
He refuses to drink beer, but he occasionally drinks tequila. [lol]

I bet. ^^ I wouldn't know, since I've never socialized with someone who is deaf nor blind.
That would throw me off too. Haha. I guess you'd forget for a second that she can verbally respond.

I hate small towns. e_e; I can't stand it here! Haha.

Well it wasn't high school, it was the new Elementary school that didn't teach it.
The school district I was in before had classes for sign language all through high school.
But the area I'm at does not, which sucks.

Oh I know. I have homework everyday too. xD
Just sometimes I refuse to do it for the sake of having a day to myself. ._.

I used to not look much into it but then it kept on happening time and time again, either they're ignoring me or talking to me yet treating me like crap... as if I don't have feelings, and that just kept happening... and honestly it just pisses me off like no other.

At least he cleaned up.

Oh, I have talked to her a few times, but I do talk out loud to myself, but the times that I do respond verbally she goes "you know you're talking to a deaf person, right?" [rofl]

I love them - I have spent the past 13 years living in a small town with a population of 530 people. and now I'm in a town that in 2008 - can't find the current estimate - had approx 62,000 people. O.o No thanks I want my tiny town again! Where I could walk everywhere. [yes]

Oh, even then, that doesn't shock me... most public schools (middle/high school etc) don't have sign language as an option as a language.

I do the same even though doing so makes it more stressful on me in the long run. [sweat]

I suppose if it happened like that all the time, anyone would get fed up.
I don't think I've ever been treated like that, then again I'm quite oblivious when it comes to things like that.
Unless the person straight up told me to stop talking them, I wouldn't get the hint. xD

Haha, that's funny. xD Can't be helped if she can talk. I guess it's only natural to respond to someone verbally when they talk to you.

I'm not a fan because everyone knows everyone and its annoying.
Especially when I go to the grocery store with my mom and people often stop us to chat.
I don't go grocery shopping to chat, I go to buy food. I'm quite anti-social in real life and pretty much hate the entire population in my area. e_e; So when people stop us I get fairly annoyed. Lol.
It's probably also why I didn't date in high school.

The district I was in funded a lot of cool classes, so I thought it was normal for all schools to provide all those things.
But when I moved out here, I realized that this district was very poor. They didn't even do field trips and that upset me more than anything. I was used to luxury but I got stuck with crappy teachers and cafeteria food. Haha.

I do everything at my own pace, when I feel like doing something.

Yeah, and it's been happening for about a year and a half now... I'm just over it. -.- I basically have been told that if I don't like friend's pings that I shouldn't have ANY friends, that I am doing this for attention, that I need to try harder... that this all basically my fault... -.- So unbelievably over it. -.- People don't realize how much their words hurt. D:

It doesn't help either that I was raised in a oral family - and I'm hearing. But I am getting better at responding in sign. [yes]

See, I don't mind that, because I'm used to it. Our town is so small that we don't have a store, we do have to go to a nearby town to go shopping.
I'm anti-social too, yet because I saw that as abnormal, I learned to hide it. So most people don't believe me when I say that.

And just fyi, I may be disappearing, I'm in an extremely crappy mood at the moment.

I don't mind some pings, as long as it's for something important. Not just to ping me for the sake of pining me. Lol.

I come from a very oral family too, but I'm quite the opposite. I'm the one sitting in the corner not talking to anyone. >.<
It's probably why I don't have many friends in real life. Haha.

I don't even know why I'm anti-social. I come from a very huge family who does gatherings and stuff.
But I guess it's just how I am.

It's alright.
I'm heading out to the bookstore with my sister, so I'll be disappearing too. ^^

I don't like pings. Period. And people just can't seem to get that. -.- But telling me that if I don't like them not to have ANY friends... -.- That hurt... that hurt me so much. T_T [cry] I'm tired of people feeling like they can treat me however they want and I'm fine with it. I'm NOT fine with it. D: T_T

Oh, I meant oral as in not deaf. Not as in Oral, as in voicing, well that too. But I meant that I'm not used to living with someone who's deaf. This is a first for me.

I'm the one who hides in a corner, if given the chance, with her camera. [XD]

Sorry you guys are feeling that Mene isn't a nice place.

I can't say that I've had any problems with anybody, so it's been fine for me.

I never had any troubles here either. *shrugs*

*sighs* I just don't get what people's problems with me is... Honestly I just want to run away screaming because of all of it. And never look back. D: It just makes me want to cry. T_T

Just ignore them? I need to ignore my dad's comments... he really hurt my feelings today. Said my haircut is a lesbian haircut. [cry]

I do try to ignore them... believe me, I've tried. -.- It's impossible to. Because basically because all of this crap, I'm not feeling like I can go into threads anymore because I just know for the most part I will be overlooked and ignored. Or if someone does notice me, they'll leave and then I'll be overlooked, because the majority of people don't like me for some reason, and don't want to talk to me... and then it makes me feel like crap and makes me feel like crying.

Awww - your haircut is cute and I really do love it, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If you like it, as I've said before, that's all that matters! <3

Thanks nemo! [hug]

I really hope you can feel at home here again soon.

You're welcome.

And right now, I doubt that I ever will again. D:

@Nemo - Honestly, the more posts I see about this concern about Menewsha not being warm and inviting the more I scratch my head and wonder where at what point do you feel not welcomed or invited? It seems to me from what I've seen you have friends who interact with you and talk with you and I don't understand where you're getting this feeling of 'not belonging'.

The more interaction I read from you, the stronger I feel you would benefit from getting some counseling to help you work through some of the issues that's causing your anxiety and depression. I know you say you don't have the time in which to go to said counseling, but I think it would help more than you can realize with helping you find inner peace.

---------- Post added 10-06-2013 at 08:10 PM ----------

@llonka - That's really shitty of your dad to say that. I think you look fabulous hun and I think you should feel fabulous too. Short hair is SO much easier to take care of and it just feels liberating. For your dad to say it looks 'lesbian' is just...gah. Makes me mad for you, honestly.

Izumi: What has been going on lately, it isn't how it usually is with people talking to me.

And I honestly do not have the time to try to fit anything else into my week. Because my life is already chaotic and insane enough as it is, and honestly trying to find time to work something else into my schedule is going to make me crack.

I'm so close to just calling it quits and going home, because I just don't feel like I can handle all of this anymore. I don't know what to do.

And maybe I just need someone to vent to... have you thought about that? I seem to try on here, I just need people to talk to, but people basically keep telling me, may not be what they mean, but I feel like people are just telling me that I am again not trying hard enough... -.- That it's my fault, that this is all on me, and I just am fed up as I am sick of being the one expected to try 110%... I can't keep doing this.

But I get it... I'll just stop talking about it all together, because I get it, people don't want to hear about my problems because they don't matter... I get that. -.- Whatever.

@Nemo - I say this out of concern for your wellbeing, honestly. I understand full heartedly what it feels like to feel depressed and I suffer from anxiety too, so please understand I have been where you're at as far as feeling like wanting to give up. You've come so far with your school, and you're still doing really well and before doing anything really rash I do ask that you try to reach out. When you're enrolled through a school they typically will even have on campus nurses and counselors to help you work through any issues you're having. I went to a major university for a semester and they begged us to reach out at any point for help. I know you must have some sort of services there through the school, if not I know there has to be somewhere local who can work to get you in at a time that works for you. If not, I feel even if it meant you had to reschedule an appointment or class it is in your best interest to seek that help. If nothing else they are trained and know when things are getting too much and when they really need to step in and help make it better. I worry that you're getting to that point where you may have too much stress and anxiety you may snap. I lost my brother due to him committing suicide and only after he got to his breaking point did I realize as he kept it hidden and was too ashamed...too afraid to reach out and get help.

If I could help one person...save one life from doing that...I would want to do everything I could to help. :(

They do have that, but I do NOT have time to fit it into my schedule. I MEAN t when I say I know I'm going to crack if I try to fit anything else in...

And I am not suicidal...

I'm glad to hear that you don't feel that way. I pick up a very charged, negative feeling when you post about your problems like you're very genuinely hurt. I don't want to further compound that by confronting you, but at the same time please know that I am concerned and I really do hope you find some relief in the stresses you have. I know that I have come to Menewsha many a time to let it out and find an ear to talk to, so I know how cathartic that feels.

I guess why it's concerning is you've got that outlet, and you have friends that care...yet you still feel very much on edge and not welcome. You are welcome, and you do have people here that care and want to talk.

I do have issues, yes, but not suicidal (Just being honest - it hurts that you feel that I am that way, I'm not at all). Yeah, but honestly, I don't feel like it helps because all I get is that people seem to just act like I am overacting, that I shouldn't be doing this... it doesn't help. I wish it did. But in a way, this just makes me want to run away, and NEVER come back. Because right now, despite having somewhere to talk, it still makes me just want to curl up in a ball and sob. Because I just feel so uncomfortable. And no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to help that uncomfortable feeling go away... I think it's because of what I'm about to say next.

Honestly, I feel like because this is too good to be true, because this has happened, before. People on here in the past, have told me they were there for me, if I needed to talk... and then proceeded to ignore me and act like I Was never there, and when they did talk to me they treated me like crap... So I just know things are going to come crashing down again, because that's what always happens. I just can't trust anymore, because my trust has been broken way too many times now. And that's why I think Mene makes me feel so uncomfortable. That people just promise me, and they are there, and then ALL of a sudden, out of the blue, they don't even talk to me anymore, and act like I am just being this immature person who no one likes and they don't want to even have to bother with anymore, and because of that, I just have had my trust broken... I trust way too easily, and now I am less likely to trust people because this has happened to me time and time again. People say I'm welcome, but I don't believe them... because I've had this happen to me before, and I just know it's all going to come crashing down around me... yet again, and if that does happen. I will really be gone, and not coming back.

@Nemo - Have you ever tried to picture how you may be coming off to another by stander? I think the initial reaction from someone who doesn't understand anxiety/depression it can be difficult to them to understand how to react. Maybe something they say could be interpreted wrong and as a fear of not saying the right thing to you they chose to say nothing at all in hopes that it is a better option. Not because they don't like you, or they don't want to be around you...they just honestly don't know what to do?

You know what, I'll just not even talk about my issues on Mene anymore because honestly I just see this all as causing too big a problem, and blah blah blah... whatever.

I'm sorry.

That honestly isn't the point of me speaking out. I'm not wanting you to feel as though you can't come out and talk, but at the same time there is a lot of things that are stressing you out in your life. Instead of letting them fester until the point you do snap, I'd rather you reach out and get help...so they can help you make the changes you need in your life so you can feel happy. I get this overall sense of you being very unhappy, and it really does make me concerned, you know?