I wish I could say I could differentiate the two. [lol]

So how are you guys all doing? Don't tell me you're doing fine. I fully expect at least a full paragraph from everyone who reads this. For real. You're not boring, tell me what's up with you. What's new in your life. What are you thinking about lately. Pretend I'm your grandma because grandmas always want to hear everything about you.

::looks around to see who goes first::

Well if you want a really looong answer I've posted a recent update here.

But here's the short of it.

Good News:

- Had lots of events at work, including school festival and an English speech competition where a girl I was coaching won 3rd place [boogie]
- Made a lot of progress on remaining wedding plans: we just commissioned wedding rings, our honeymoon trip is being booked, and we're currently looking for restaurants to accommodate a big party in the evening for friends, family, and coworkers
- Gradually preparing for the move into our new apartment (hopefully) next month; we just bought a washing machine and we should be getting a few more appliances while they're on sale
- Also, my fiance's birthday is next week and I've got a 3 day weekend this week, so I've been enjoying the gradual return of downtime

Bad News:

- My grandmother (mom's mom) is definitely in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease. [:(] She got herself confused with her own mother the other day and is having trouble understanding things. Apparently she got really upset when she went to the dentist because she couldn't understand what the x-ray machine was doing. According to my mom, my grandma's doc says she'll need professional care at a care facility by next year. The good news is that she's very sweet and agreeable and she hasn't forgotten who people are yet - when she gets confused she returns to normal pretty quickly on her own. I'm glad I can see her in December since I'm not sure how many more chances I'll have now that she's in her 80s.

- My uncle also has an unfortunate diagnosis. I was blindsided to hear that one of my mom's older brothers, who I always knew as the wild and crazy uncle who surfs and eats spicy peppers for snacks, is now suffering from Parkinson's. [:(] I guess my parents' noticed he was walking oddly during the last time they met, but I don't think anyone suspected it was Parkinson's. Anyway, I hope he can get treatment to delay the symptoms since he's only in his 50s... but who knows.

...Annnnd that ended up being way longer than I was expecting. [sweat] Sorry!

Now how are you???

Things have been pretty good here.

Kids: Soki had a few issues with her new math curriculum (she's homeschooled), but I think we have it sorted out. Otto is happily in Kindergarten, loves his teachers, and he's making friends. Problem is, he is so geared toward pleasing his teachers (because he loves them), he is turning into a tattle tale. I receive reports about misbehaving kids in his class and assume he's doing the same in his class.

House: Need to come up with a way to keep the house clean without making noise while Soki is working on her assignments. The people we bought our property from back-filled the lot and told us it was just a wooded area before we moved here - no other structures were on it. A few weeks ago, hubster was walking our dog and discovered a 10' (deep) pit that was obviously covered with debris and dirt and not filled in - by stepping through a layer of soil/decayed vegetation and nearly fell all the way through. The pit was either a well or outhouse pit. You could see handholds along the wall and there was the added bonus of what looked like burned pointy wood at the bottom of the pit. Kind of hard to ignore a feature like that in an allegedly pristine area. It is mostly filled in with gravel now and we're waiting for the dirt/rocks to settle before we cap it off with cement and dirt.

Hope y'all are well!

Your turn, Connie! [twisted]

Ferra - Whoa, I never saw that thread before! I'm subscribed now so I can keep up on your life better without having to make you type out everything twice. [lol]

Congrats on your student winning 3rd place! Sounds like you've done a great job with her, as I'm sure you do with all your students. [:)] Ooh, ooh, what are your wedding rings going to look like? [eager]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma and uncle. [:(] But I'm glad to hear your grandma still knows who people are and that you'll be able to visit her soon. And for your uncle, at least there are treatments that can help make Parkinson's more live-with-able. I've also heard that people with Parkinson's don't suffer from tremors when they're dancing, for some reason... Maybe your uncle could take up dancing to keep up his active lifestyle. [:)]

Pistachio - Wow, that sucks! How do those houses get in that condition in the first place? How do people live like that?! [gonk] Or is it from being abandoned for some time?

Ooh, museum! Take lots of pictures! I can't recall why I didn't take any pictures when I went to the science museum last... Actually, maybe I didn't have my iPhone yet. Either way, I regret not having any pictures of it! But then again, I just love taking pictures. I'm addicted to Instagram. [ninja]

Elmira - Ahh, tattling is such a complex issue, isn't it? On one hand, you don't ever want kids to think they shouldn't speak up if someone bad is going on (and I know that can happen when they're hit with "don't tattle!!!" too much!), but on the other, you don't want them running to you every time another kid does something even slightly different than what they think should be done. And of course it's easy to think "well just talk to him about judgement on whether something is serious or not," but of course, wee ones aren't always the best at those decisions since everything is a super big deal to them. [lol] Best of luck with that!

Wow, that pit sounds awful! [gonk] Glad your hubby didn't get hurt "discovering" it. Also glad you've got a plan in place to fix it! It's always the worst to discover something like that and to be completely unable to fix it. That's... kind of how this house was. My parents had it inspected before they bought it, but that must have been the worst inspector ever. He missed so many things that were wrong with this house. It needs so much work, but we can't afford that. [:(] So we have leaky roofs, a cracked foundation, misbehaving gutters, an attic full of bugs.... ugh.


Now, since Ferra asked how I am...

Things are going pretty well. I feel like I'm finally being appreciated at my work, which is an amazing feeling. My department manager loves me, and the store director finally saw that I'm a good worker. In the past it always seemed like she was trying to find something wrong with my work, even though I bust my ass everytime I'm in there. A lot of people who work at the store are highschool kids who don't give a shit and slack off and don't take their job seriously, so I feel like the store director just assumed that's how I was too and treated me as such. :/ It was really frustrating and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't cried about it a few times. But the other day she came back while I was working and commented on how fast I was going (even though I was sitting down to the do the task - something she's seemed annoyed about in the past), and said that my dept. manager and coworker had both said that I was a really good worker and she would be glad to give me a recommendation when it's time for me to move on to another job. So, huzzah! Now if only she would ban from the store the customer who sexually harassed me... [stare]

Things are going well with my boyfriend too. We're entertaining the idea of moving in together sometime in the not-too-distant future. We also had a conversation last week that really cleared up a lot of issues. Without getting too far into personal detail, I was under the impression that he definitely for sure wanted kids some day. I absolutely do not, so I've spent this entire relationship under the belief that it was inherently temporary and I was just around until he felt ready to settle down, then it was out the door with me. Because I felt temporary I was of course really sad about it, and I also felt really, really uncomfortable around his family. At family gatherings I felt like an outsider, intruder, etc. to the point where I would have panic attacks at pretty much every one of them. That bothered him a lot and he wanted me to get along with his family (I think they're wonderful people, no problem with them, just didn't felt I had any business being at their gatherings when I was a year or two away from being "what was her name again...? Why is she in this photo, it would have been so nice if it was just the family..."). But anyway, when we talked about that last week, he told me that kids are actually completely negotiable for him. He said he would be happy to have some but could also feel just as equally fulfilled in a childless marriage with a wife who fulfilled him. He talked about his life goals and how they don't require kids, and how apparently he's known this the entire relationship but it was never effectively communicated to me. So his point was that he is interested in a future with me. And if that's the case, and I'm not inherently temporary, then I can try to approach his family differently (though it will be a struggle because now I have all these "see this person, then panic" associations with them. Anxiety disorders are fun.). There are still some hurdles... he's really afraid being in love, for a lack of better words for it. He hasn't said he loves me. I don't know if his fear is of the vulnerability, of being wrong about it, of that making it more
"real" and thus painful if it ends, or what. But we got a little further on that, even, since before all he had said was that he had never been in love and wasn't sure if he ever would be. This time (after I had to explain to him that love does not take years with someone to appear, nor does it wait for a checklist of relationship needs to be met first, it just comes whenever the fuck it wants to, so if he hasn't felt anything yet for me by this point he probably never will), he said "I guess I'm just afraid to ask myself [if I love you]." So there's more progress. Everyone who has seen us together says "yeah, he's in love with you," but I'm not going to take that to mean much until he actually says it. But there's hope. And the possibility of us having an actual future, which is totally new and intoxicating to me. [lol]

I also have a paper I'm supposed to be writing... okay, I'll do that now. [ninja]

@Cherry: Thanks! [hug]

I'm glad you're finally getting recognized at work! That's a really great feeling. [:)]

As for relationship stuff, I'm also glad that you're finally getting some hidden feelings out in the open and discussed. I know I had a bunch of anxiety too about a number of things, but I feel like I can talk to my fiance about even really hard things. And I always come away from those hard conversations feeling better about the strength of our relationship.

I hope you aren't doubting that you are worthy of being loved. You are! And no one in his family is thinking "ugh, why doesn't she just move on?" They aren't! I promise. In any case, I hope you and your bf continue to talk about your feelings and better understand what you feel about each other. [:)]

And good luck on your paper!

Okay. Update on my life? It's been more than a year, so there's a lot to fill in on.

In order:
November 2012: Two people found me on FB. One a friend from Y!Chat that I hadn't spoken to in almost ten years, and the other the fist-happy ex, who, according to his public FB profile, has moved to a town not two hours' drive from me.

April '13: My grandmother passed away.
Two weeks later, I found out my boyfriend (of eight years) had been cheating on me.
A month after that I lost my job.

I became very emotionally unstable at that point. Spent long hours at the local B&N, and when they closed for the night, weather permitting, I would go sit under the bleachers at my local high school for two or three hours. Some nights I knew it just wasn't good to be alone with my thoughts, so I'd call one of two friends who didn't seem to mind talking me down. The rest of my spare time was spent watching TV shows on DVD. (If you want a list of everything I watched in a one-year span, just ask - I'm not listing it all here) On average I think I got maybe three to four hours of sleep per night.

Two or three months later my aunt opened her shop, and let me work with her.
I bid 2013 a bitter farewell with a couple girlfriends watching TV and Velvet Goldmine.

My pop-pop moved in with us after his house lost power during the big snow storms this past February, and just passed away on August 25th at the age of 93.

Now, I'm trying to focus on getting a higher-paying job, get my foot in the door toward being able to one day support myself. If I can straighten out getting the funds, I'll be going back to college, and hopefully this will aid me in moving into a higher tax bracket.

Also I've set myself a goal of reading 40 books before the year is out: so far I'm two books ahead of schedule.

I think that's it.

Ferra - It tends to always sounds like a self-esteem issue when I talk about things like this, but it honestly isn't. I'm just fine with who I am and think I deserve good things as much as anyone else. It's just that past experience (not just romantic) shows me that people... don't really tend to develop the best feelings for me. I tend to be a neat new toy for a short period of time, then they're like "k, done" and I'm forgotten. It's happened repeatedly, with close to a dozen people (I haven't counted - too depressing [lol]), in very similar patterns (intense positive feelings towards me followed by a very sharp drop off and ditch) and with next to no variations from that pattern. I know it's normal for not every relationship (of any kind, not just romantic) to click, and people move on all the time, but when it gets to be that no one (who gets closer than arm's length) sticks around for any time, you start to think "well maybe it's not them, maybe it is me." And I don't hate myself for that or think there's anything wrong with me (I don't know what it is that causes this - I know I'm not the single most interesting, enchanting person in the world, but I certainly don't think I'm overwhelmingly dull, obnoxious, rude, or unpleasant), I just figure at this point some of them probably had a reason other than "something else distracted me." So I absolutely think I deserve love, but I sort of feel like I have trouble actually getting it. Which is extra frustrating as I'm of the ethos that love should be given freely and boundlessly. I love (I don't mean exclusively romantically) everything I possibly can, I don't restrict my positive emotions. I find things much more fun if, instead of focusing on negatives or trying to seem reasonable, you just outright love things. I love this meal and I'm really excited about it, I love that shirt and seeing it makes my day, I love that person and I want nothing but the best for them. So it's frustrating to love so much and not feel loved by anything in return.

As for communication, the boyf and I had another good conversation yesterday. It was actually (partially) on communication (and also the stuff I just said above, coincidentally - he wanted to know why I felt everything was inherently and oppressively temporary). We identified some problems in our lines of communication and developed some easily actionable strategies for resolving them, along with clearing up some misunderstandings. Benefits are visible from it already, so that's great. Still lots of work to do, but, I don't know, maybe it won't be in vein!

Connie - Wow, I'm so sorry to hear you've had a rough time. [:(] I'm glad you seem optimistic, though! You spoke about your darker times in the past tense, does that mean you're feeling better now?

[hugs]


Aaand now I have yet another paper to write. It's endless. I'm off to do that.

@Cherry: Well, what you said makes sense to me since I feel that way too.

In my case, I'm kind of a loner by nature. Although I love talking and hanging out with people, I don't actively invite people to do stuff. Not because I don't like to do it... I just don't spontaneously decide to do something and then follow through with actual arrangements. I guess it's probably because I'm usually just as content staying at home and doing nothing as I am with going out. I'm totally honest when I tell people "I love talking with you. We should hangout sometime!" It just doesn't happen when I'm left to my own devices. I also find it hard to contact people unless I know we have a mutual agreement that contact is welcome.

So even when I have a "spark" with people, it usually fades pretty quickly because we don't make the effort to stay in touch.

It's a good thing my fiance loves making plans is constantly coming up with new and fun things he wants to share with me. Sometimes I wish we could spend more days lying around doing nothing, but I really am thankful that he pushes me to do stuff. [:)]

Anyway, what's your paper about this time? Good luck!

I'm trying really hard to get better about reaching out to people. After my last ex dumped me, I realized I hadn't done much to foster friendships because I had been so focused on romantic relationships. So I tried to get a lot better about holding up my end of friendships. It has worked a good deal and I've seen definite pay-off from it. Making plans is still awkward for me, and when they're accepted I get about one second of "yay, going to see my friend [:)]" followed by this anxiety of "OH GOD NOW I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING I HAVE TO HAVE A SOCIAL INTERACTION WHAT HAVE I DONE?!????" Like, I set up plans to rent the new Captain America with my friend tomorrow and watch it at his house. I'm excited to see the movie, my friend is great and I love hanging with him, but oh no, a social interaction!! I'm such a baby. [lol]

I can relate, my boyf is all about doing stuff too. It really pushed me out of my comfort zone at first, but now I absolutely love it and start to feel a little stir-crazy if we spend the whole weekend at his place. I get to be like, "come on, can we at least go the grocery store?!" [lol] But having days in are really important, and you're not wrong for wanting them. For one, they can be much cheaper. [lol] Also it gives more room for intimacy (I don't mean sex, I just mean quiet moments of cuddling or something else that just wouldn't happen in public), talking, and otherwise bonding. I think a good balance is the key. [yes] Go out and do fun and exciting things together, but also sit at home and enjoy each other's company without any distractions.

My paper is on things that have influenced who I am today, as it relates to social psychology theories. So, for example, there's the Looking Glass Self theory, which is basically that your perception of yourself is influenced by how you think others view you. So for that bit, I'm going to talk about how my anxiety tends to lead me to think that people think worse of me than they actually might and how that has affected me.

As far as the extent of my instabilities last year, yes, they are in the past. But I have chronic depression - have had, for at least the last fifteen years. So, no, it's not entirely gone, nor will be. I've learned to deal with it without resorting to medications, and I really feel like I'm in a healthier place now than I was last year.

I'm definitely in the same boat with Ferra as far as sociability. I'm an introvert. Socializing and making friends is not among my strengths. The few friends I have I try to keep in contact with, try to make some of the effort to meet up and hang out. I don't want to be counted as only a fair weather friend. It's especially hard these days, when everyone's got a busy schedule - working out an afternoon when we can all hang out together is like getting a root canal done. Two of us is hard enough, let alone more than that.

Cherry, I can relate to the whole looking glass thing. There are a few friends I've made more recently, and I sometimes feel like they may only be humoring me when I seek them out - as if it's more a burden to them just to talk to me. I keep telling myself that's not always the case, but it's a hard mentality to get away from.

Connie - Oh, I see. [:(] I'm glad to hear you're doing better and are managing things, though. Are you seeing a therapist for additional help?

It's tough to not think that way, but... no one is obligated to talk to you. If someone really didn't want to talk to you, they wouldn't. It's not in their interest to humor someone, really! [lol] That's how I think of it, anyway. I can't convince myself by just saying "nah, they like you," but I can ask myself "well why would they humor me? What do they have to gain by doing that?" The answer is usually nothing and that clears it up.

Pistachio - Oh man. "They're foreclosing on me, so I'll wreck the place as revenge!!" ? Yeah, way to stick it to the man... the man who will never set foot in that house and isn't the one who has to clean it. Oh well, it makes a job for you to do and get paid for, at least. [lol] How do you feel about your job? I imagine it would be satisfying to take a filthy house to something that looks clean and nice, but I can't imagine that interim is too fun.

Holy shit! [:o] Though really, I sympathize with those being foreclosed on. Once in a while it's due to just extremely poor money management/stupidity, but so often it's forces they didn't have much control in. Losing a job, struggling with debt, a shitty economy... I can understand feeling helpless, frustrated, and mad at the system that let it all happen to you. I wouldn't set a house on fire, though. I mean... that will just get you fines and put you worse into financial trouble. Idk man.

So is this a family business, or do you and your grandmother just work for the same company?

And I have to ask... is your house super clean as a result? Or are you so tired from cleaning at work all day that you come home and can't bare to clean up? [lol] No judgement, just always curious how peoples' jobs affects their personal lives.

*I put up a Giant Castle of Mattresses, Pillows, and Blankets. I then put a Catapult out of my Castle, loading pillows in*

You will never take Castle Cozy!

INCOMING PILLOW MISSILES! MAN THE CUSHION SHIELDS! BRACE YOURSELVES FOR IMPACT!

OH GOD, MY LEG! MY LEG! IT HIT MY LEG!

Usually talking to friends is a good enough therapy session. My job recently cut off medical benefits for part-timers, so I'm left without medical coverage until I get a new job, so I can't afford professional therapy.
My depression really isn't as bad as it could be. The way I was last year, was just a reaction to getting hit with three different things all at once. If it had only been one thing at a time, I could have handled it. But all three, in such a short time period, was just too much.

AUGH! ::hastily puts up a semicircle shield wall and scrambles for counter-ammunition::

*Flaming pillows come down on Cherry's Fort* My castle reigns supreme!

Everyone, to your stations! Man the blanket guns! We're going to completely cover them!


Connie - Oh, I understand. Lots of outside forces added to depression can make things very difficult to deal with, yeah. [:(] But I am glad you're feeling better now!

::grabs someone at random, pulls them behind my shield wall and sticks them behind the cannon turret::

Send in the Cotton Thrower Squads! *Men holding what look like Flame throwers shoot out cotton at Cherry's people.*

Unit sixteen! Get the Mattress Battering Ram! Knock down their walls

*straps throw pillow onto head* Alright, folks... this is war.

*Straps a Pillow-pet to his head*Alright Sir Cuddlesworth.....to war! *The Mattress battering ram broke down the doors*