I don't like sex.
But I'm really dumb and do dumb things sometimes,
But not because I want to, usually because I want to be everyone's best friend no matter the cost.

You throw away everything you believe in just so people will like you? I'm so proud of you. *wipes a tear and claps hands*

Are you being sarcastic? D:
I already know that what I do isn't good...

I'm not being sarcastic. Come here! I knew there was a reason we were friends! *hugs*
/I am in fact not being sarcastic

What I'm doing is really good right now! I had no idea it was so good!

I can't believe I never tried any of this stuff!

I don't do sex either because that's gross and wrong but I like pretending to kiss a boy while he lays on me! I never did it before and it's really cool!

WHOA.

Didn't expect to read that one.

is that pretending to kiss, or pretending he's laying on you?

Both! It's all pretend so it's safe! I just wanted to find out what the big deal was and I think I kind of get it now. It's pretty cool if you get the right boy to do it with you.

We're keeping it above the waist so it's all okay.

c:

I still know I need to stop doing whatever people want me to do just so that they'll like me.
I am getting much better at it! But I still have a long way to go.

Oooh, having people lay on you is so uncomfortable!
But when babies lay on you, it's cute and they don't weigh so much.

When it's all pretend there's no weight if you don't want any. He's not squashing me. It's pretty comfortable.

Drawing is hard.

That almost sounded dirty.

I hope I'm not doing anything too dirty with all of this. Dirty is bad.

Sounds like what I read in my YA fantasy novels that makes me laugh really hard because it's all so silly to me.

It's pretty exciting but I don't know what to do now. I'm waiting to see what he does. We've only gone as far as boobies. That might be all we do. I don't think I'm really supposed to be talking about this right now, but I don't know what else to talk about.

HOLY SHETLAND PONIES.

what your doing is called experimenting, and it nearly always evolves into something else. you may think its all fun and games to pretend, but most guys don't think that way. he's likely just holding out for the grand prize, and when he doesn't get it, he'll probably turn nasty. there's only one substitute for abstinence, and that's proliferation. anything in-between leads to that.

not being able to say no out of a sense of not wanting to be rejected is a totally different matter, and not directly your fault. patterns like that are harder to climb out of than they were to fall into. take abusive relationships for example. how many times have you heard of someone staying with an abusive partner because they 'love' them. stopping someone's fist with your face, or being an emotional pin cushion is not love. similarly, acting a certain way or doing something you really don't like will not keep that person with you past the act's completion. abuse comes in many forms, and until a person sees it as thus, they will continue to blame themselves. my advice, get out early, and learn to live with yourself before trying to share your lives with others. the alternative is to sink into the ever decreasing circles of depression's abyss.

We finished. I can talk about other things now.

I never did that with anybody and it was weird but really cool. I think I like him a lot.

Yeah I should stop talking about it because that's gross.

Now I'm tired. I was supposed to be asleep already.

And if someone was mean or abusive to me I'd just kill them. You don't have to love a poop head.

May I never change my mind. *throws a petal onto a river*

Amane, you're fine just like you are. Please don't stop being my friend because I had a boy lay on top of me! It doesn't change who I am!

And besides it's all pretending. I'm not really laying under anybody. That would be awful!

Pretend is good. Real is gross.

I didn't see that one coming is all.

is it gross when deer frolic in the woods? is it weird the way bunnies play leapfrog in the meadow? does a budding bloom blossoming on the bough make you want to heave? they're acts of nature, not epitomes of disgustingness. sex is the same, an act of nature. the second you categorize it as being gross or disgusting in your mind, is the same moment you choose to live in ignorance. now I'm not saying that ignorance isn't bliss (how can you be upset about something you don't know about) but without knowledge there is no understanding, and without understanding, stupid mistakes are made. showing a disdain for sex and/or sexual acts is fine, but to call it gross or disgusting is like spitting against the wind, eventually it'll end up hitting you in the face.

I've been curious for a little while now. Ever since Vera and me came back.

I think I'm growing up some. Time is different for me and I don't work the same way everyone else does. It took me a long time to work myself up to it and even then I had to get advice and make sure I was doing it right enough.

I just had to find out what it was all about. I get it now and it's cool. I can be okay with it.

Actually I really liked it. It just feels weird to say it. I'm used to it feeling really wrong to ever even think about. But it's not bad or wrong. It's just different.

I need to sleep. And people want the computer.

I'll be back soon!

Omg.

I survived the gyno appointment.
It wasn't an STD! I'm clear! :D

And I didn't cry when I got touched or anything!

I'm so proud of myself and soooo freaking relieved that it wasn't an STD.

You're fine. Just be safe! Be careful!

Oh, we both know I'm not fond of many parts of "nature."

Ava… please, please, PLEASE tell me you twist the truth for better reactions.