I don't really know how to deal with changing your lifestyle either. As long as you live with your mom, and she has your schedule, I don't see things changing. There is a potential for things to change after college or earlier if you move out to be on your own.

Of course, you could simply fall back into the same pattern because it's been conditioned into you. Adversely, you could simply fall into a terribly disorganized life because you now need the schedule. However, I do not think the latter will happen. I think that it is most likely that you will become busier than most, but have more time for friends. You'll hopefully find the balance that keeps you from being lonely.

Being at college is somewhat a taste of this--of what could be. There's no way to rush time, so just bear with it until you can have this. ...or if you are truly impatient, I would say to move out and try out your wings. However, this would cause a grand scene, and I'm not sure if you're ready or even want that.

And about kendo, I know I'll learn as I spar more, but I don't like fighting. I just don't. I don't like fighting with people in real life or in play. I do like the expending of energy and hitting things, but I don't like pitting my spirit against yours and seeing the outcome. Yes, it is a beautiful thing to behold, but it scares the crap out of me, and I refuse to fight unless I have to. ...what am I doing in martial arts? o_0 ...But I'm here, and though I'm not a fighter, I won't let myself be a quitter.

makes sense. I am glad to have psyrien knowledgeable insight on all of this. I guess right now I am that confused lost person who doesn't know what to do. I am not sure moving out is a good idea at all, it would be nice, but killer to my budget. And also don't really feel the grand need to go away from parent and move all of my crap.

As for martial arts, yeah, it is something my sensei forced me into, i still don't like doing it, though I do like my foam weapon combat, maybe that is just cause it doesn't hurt as much, or I am decent, but sometimes am still scared, and many times one can pick who they battle. Anyway, I think that it will be such that sometime we will come to understand that you will find a way to be confident in it, but still try to not do so. I can see that happening.

Hopefully today will be the last of my crying spell, not sure, I mean while I am calm right now, I could push myself to be an emotionless person with my own emotions, but I don't think that is healthy, and will probably backfire on me easily cause it is hard to not have emotions when interacting with Mark and you. I think i need a switch for emotions, but yeah, that is so not what would actually work.

I was going to ask you earlier if you were fine if I did lock emotions away, but I feel it unnecessary now.....

As for changing lifestyle, i don't think I can change it, for my lifestyle, unlike what people think, is something that is greatly influenced by the people around you, so you can adapt to theirs too. Hopefully i won't get that severe while at school, I prefer not being a schedule heavy person, but I know I do it when i look back on the year.

If you try to rope me into your heavy schedule, I will scream at you and rebel. xD Psyrien likes being lazy. ^^

Anywho, that's the whole thing about college. You'll have more than just your mother's influence on your schedule. You're definitely more lax about stuff in school. Maybe that will make you change later on in life. Dunno. But yeah, lifestyles are rather difficult to change if not impossible without some catalyst of some sort. ...and even then it's hard.

Well, for kendo the old sensei who taught me beautiful, proper form has left the dojo because he's old. Now I should hopefully have more of a chance to spar. And this other guy has been teaching me to fight tournament style. >_< It's much easier physically because there's much less energy expended--movements are limited--but pretty form has been drilled into me so thoroughly. ^^;

And the college welcoming thing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wasn't the outcast in the corner of the party who was absolutely bored out of her mind. I suppose that the other crowd really isn't that bad. They're pretty cool if you give them a chance.

But I'm tired now. @[email protected] ...and I have to work at six am tomorrow. >_< I'm gonna die! x_x

Ouch, bad having work that late. Don't you think 70 is nice weather?

As for lifestyles, I am not sure how much I can change, but it was nice, I will be going out to see dark knight tomorrow. It is weird, but I must admit I want ot change, people are thinking it might be best if I stay in chicago next year too. I am not sure if I want to or not. lifestyle though is something i can see me automatically changing cause i don't like being that hectic. Maybe that is part of my issue, is that is part of my nature to be lazy and relaxed, and just do things when I want ot with hobbies, but I can't with parent.

Yeah, I hate hugely busy schedule, I have done it sometimes in chicago, but I stress out doing so.

Also Mark and I are both randomly busy this past weekendish time, thursday through tomorrow, and with me relapsing, I think it was just terrible timing on both our parts.

I did clean my room.

I had mark and i talk for 15 minutes cuase I was with Katie at the time, but he had to be with his sister for her birthday with her friends and be the driver ,so he didn't really have tiem either.....it reminds me of those weird time that it happened when I was at school too.....just more lonely.

Seventies are pretty nice. Well, they're nice when you're not in Hawaii. For some reason, seventies are freaking cold here. o_0

Staying in Chicago over summer? I don't know how that would work. You'd need to get a place to stay and have something to do. ...It is possible, but it'll be a lot of work.

Yeah, this was definitely a busy weekend... I haven't been able to curl up and die because my family came home. ~_~ I love them, but they are noisy. >_<

ohh, but sad.

I have hobbies, the issue is getting a steady income. other than that, there are hobbies and other things., Me grumpy at mom, and yeah, I am suppressing emotions so stuff doesn't get taken care of.

issue is that mom want to do stuff and is mad at my emotion, not at the issue at hand, so i don't get anything resolved, and consequences come from emotion, not situation.

Ahh. Yeah. Working for two different things never works out well.

But I found this really awesome radio site.

pandora.com

You put in an artist or song that you like, and they create a radio station for you based on a similar sound. It's really cool! ^^ ...I think I'm slightly addicted to it. xD

...still haven't gotten to die yet. Said radio station is distracting me so I can't. ^^;

Oh, but I finished my Anne Rice books. Silly, silly long trilogy. I don't know if I want to read the rest. It's kinda... meh. I suppose I'd have to be in the right mood for it, but right now I really want to read Always Coming Home by Ursula K. Le Guin. Why? I just do. I heard it was good, and it would be something that I'd like. ...Unfortunately, the last time I went to a bookstore, they didn't have it! TT.TT I suppose I just have to try different ones.

...And I'm hungry. ._.

Psyrien, warning, I am locking stuff away, I know I am, I can feel it more now than ever, but I will hand you one of the keys through writing. You have it anyway, but i think if I am going to cope the rest of the month out, I will need to be submissive.

As for the key, remind me, that someday, you'll find a way out of what is going on, and a way to change it all, and that chicago, if you wnat it, is where my family is, even if it is jsut a family of friends.

Locking things away is not the best option, but it is still an option. It will at least give you time--time to get better and grow stronger. It will allow you the time to find out how to face whatever you're hiding away. The important thing is that you do face it someday.

Don't lock yourself away forever.

I'd miss you.

And are not new families created from friends? Why does blood mean so much more than such lasting bonds? You're obligated to like relatives because they're related to you. You chose your friends for better or for worse. Are they not just as valuable as family? A family of friends can be enough.

You will always have a home with us, so long as we are there or so long as you find us.

*hugs you*

Thank you, I have decided to give it a month, and I have given you and Mark a chance to find a better way around this. The good news is that not everything is gone, but here, in everyday life, I just bottle it all again, I was hoping ot not have to this summer, but it seems a pointless battle that I cna't fight as weak as I was.

I also know, slowly, that by the time you come back and see me, it won't matter, seeing as how Mark has the ability to unlock it all anyway, and seeing him before you when I get back. I also did explain that to Mark, htat it isn't that I don't have a family or a substitute one, it is that it has always been divided up by my friends.

I do wish i didn't have ot lock it all away, but I think, for the short term, that is what I have to do in order to stay away from destroying me, or my mom. Anyway, as said before, Mark knows, isn't happy with that it has to be that way, but also understands, I can not come up with a better short term solution, for once long term solution is easier.

Ahhck, my computer messed up and double posted hte same stuff, and there is no delete option...

Ahh. That's alright. You could've left it, and I could've cleaned it up for you. xD

Well, so long as this is only a temporary solution, I can accept it. I understand it as a way to cope. It will buy you time to figure things out, and as long as it's alright in the long run, I'll be okay with it.

Hmm... yeah, I see what you mean about several friend groups. I, myself, generally avoid spreading myself out like that. Once I have a core, it is enough. My reasoning is why should I have more when I already have something to love? Of course, it leads to trouble if the core should ever divide, but I've never had that problem. When I said my friends in high school never fought, I really meant it. We're something of an anomally when it comes to high school groups of friends. ...and a part of me does wonder how close we actually were to each other. It's in college that I realize a lot of bonding happens when you tread on each other's toes.

Well, to each his own.

...and I think pandora radio is eating my soul. ._.

YEah, it is nice, but at times i think it is what gets me into these situatinos in the first place. I haven't decided yet for there is alot of stuff. I thought abotu leaving it, but if mod found it before you, I would get in trouble and such again....

Yeah, my friends slightly fought, and here they do too, but it is nice ot have the friends at work, I told them about it, and got hugs, cause it was a weird week. Apprently i handled the situation well as far as dealing iwth Jared....

That's good to know. At least work isn't so horribly bad with that whole situation.

My arm's been hurting all day, and I was absolutely mystified as to why. I thought I slept on it funny or something. I looked at it, and I have this HUGE bruise on it. o_o I do have a vague memory of banging it on the door frame, but I didn't think it was that bad. o_0 Well, now I know why my arm hurts. xD

And I think that I have found the one small child that I will tolerate. My little cousin came over, and I thought I would be repelled by him--him being the tiny demon spawn baby he is. However, it was quite the opposite. Of course, I didn't turn into awesome baby sitter. I still have no clue as to how to take care of babies, but they are fun to play with. ...Well, he was a particularly good baby though. I don't know how I feel about the others. I still have the prejudice of demon spawn... xD But I like my cousin. ^^

And there was something else I wanted to tell you, but now I can't remember for the life of me what it was! Agh! I hate it when this happens. >_< Blaaaah. Maybe I'll remember later.

Oh, and have you ever had guava cake? It is the most wonderful thing in the world~ I've been craving it like forever. And tonight I finally broke down and bought one. xD Yes, I wanted it a lot to go out and actually spend money on it myself. It was delicious. <3

Hmm... nope. Still can't remember what I wanted to say. >_< Mmph. Ah well, I suppose I'll remember sometime or another.

Oh! I didn't remember it, but I remembered something else. Mark is a chemi engineer, right? Can you ask him if it's possible to make a fragrance like the smell of rain when it's about to fall in Hawaii? ...I say Hawaii because it's different from Chicago. It's cleaner, fresher. Chicago's impending storm smell is nice too, but it doesn't quite hit me like it does here. It's probably my most favorite smell in the whole world. ^^

EDIT

And sure enough, just after I press the post button, I remember. xD

I got a call from Mikey today after I texted him to tell him I had his slippers because he left them in the car. He sounded off. I concluded. He hung up with a "bye--oh wait! ........I love you!", which then evidenced my conclusion. It was odd. I've never been called by drunk people before, and I can definitely see all those jokes about getting called by them as true. Note to self: do not answer phone calls from Mikey at night unless there is good reason to believe him sober.

...Of course, I'll probably forget and answer anyways and just laugh. xD

Yeah, that is quite funny, As for guava cake, is this a guava chiffon cake???? Cause we have a recipe for it :) Oh it is funny, Yes Mark is a chem Engineer, go have fun asking him anything, really. As for that cake thing, we have the recipe in the book I was going to make you try and find, and guess what, Mark has it now :) So yeah, we have hawaii food to play with, and by play with, I mean many many recpies to try that we have eaten before.

Can We!!!!!?

Also I think it required a good demon spawn that would cause you to feel better about it, it is silly but I feel so much more relaxed about what if with a kid or how do I deal with these kids cause of the kids at work, it is insane!!!!

Also Danni and I are finally seeing each other after that concert!!! It is nice, and all, and I had no sleep yesterday, and finally fell asleep while Mark was telling a story.

Erm... I suppose it's a guava chiffon cake. I'm not really sure if that's the proper name or not because it's usually just referred to as "guava cake." xD

And yeah, I do have recipes for that somewhere, but the bummer is that we still will have a hard time making it. Why? Well, guava concentrate (the frozen juice stuff, which is pretty much what that awesome topping and the cake is made out of) is generally not sold on the mainland. >_< ...I do suppose that we could go to whole foods and check it out, but I'm guessing it will be expensive. We'll see.

Say hi to Danni for me! ...of course, you'll probably get this after you've already seen her, so in that case, it's okay. xD

I need a new book to read~~~~ @[email protected]

um, here give you many many manga~~

As for the concentrate and stuff, yeah, that is going to be the hard part of it, but we can hunt for it and such and hope to find it. I get the feeling we might run into that problem alot, but we do have mitsuwa to run to when we can't find it at all. They have lots of stuff and yummy hawaii food.

We'll be able to get the juice from Mitsuwa, but the concentrate will be tough. Oh well, but it shall be a quest! ^^

Manga! ...but they're in colorado. TT.TT Oh! And I have an anime request! Do you have Wolf's Rain? I've wanted to watch it for awhile, but I found out my brother doesn't have it! TT.TT Of course I'm too lazy to download it myself when you probably have it. xD Can ya bring to Chicago? Pleaaaase?

irony, i think mark has it. otherwise i will download it for you later. we had to throw away apple cobbler, i am not hungry enough for it, it makes me sad..

i am also no longer sleeping on couch, 3 nights was more than enough for me.

o_0 Why were you sleeping on the couch?

And yay for Wolf's Rain! ^^

Oh, oh, oh! I got to work my first night as waitress on my own, and I have TIPS. ^______________^ I know it's not really that much, but it's like LSKJEIDFLCASH. xD So I have cash now, but they're all in singles, which makes my wallet very fat and my friends say it's my stripper money. xD It's kinda funny, whenever someone pulls out a bunch of singles, people automatically think stripper. I remember I always did jokingly when at the cash register. But waiters and waitresses get singles too. I never thought about it till I was one.

But more moneeeeeey~ ^___________^ I like waitressing if only for that. <3

He he, I remember all my friends who were waiters saying that, and that it was really really odd for their bank and stuff. Congrads on waitress alone!!

As for Wolf's rain, confirmed that Mark has it.

Oh I have this awesome red dress tha has princess sleeves, it is soo pretty, I jsut have to wear it at work and manage to not give Mark a picture of it, baaarrrg, and my corset but not top.

Oh so I found pretty pants in leather (the ones with straps down the sides), I also found something similar to the vest top I want, not insane, but it is the front half, and it is only $50 gaahh, and full bleack lamb leather too...

Mark gave me sties to browse/....

Also silly question, do you remember which corset shop was the one that was at A-cen that I tried on a corset at??? Can't find their website...

Erm, I believe they gave you a card that's somewhere in your ACen bag, if you haven't emptied it. xD ...But nope, don't remember. ^^;

Oh and don't forget to get approval from three execs for Spoony Bards concert. I already gave them a heads up that we can probably pop in, but we'll have to leave early.

I WANNA SEE YOUR PRETTY RED DRESS. *_* ...it's so weird, I find that I'm now suddenly building a collection of dresses. o_0 When did I become girly?! 0_o

Oh, oh! And I just saw Dark Knight. It really IS awesome. <3 The Joker is just so crazy and twisted. It's such a psychological movie. I loves it~.

WHY MUST HEATH LEDGER BE DEAD? TT.TT

...I don't think I can talk about much else right now. My head has been reduced a mush of Dark Knight.

What are we missing due to it? and what day of the week is it again? As far as the pretty red dress, you will some day, it is amusing, but not as insane.

Other than htat, yes dark knight was awesome!!!!!! soo much fun, wasn't what I expected, but i do agree that the joker had great acting.

As for being girly, I fell hte same way, iwalk around in a tank top and skirt when I feel like it...and work outfits, I have soo many pretty ones now, I blame it on the fact that I got tired of my old clothes and wanted something thing new to wear that was really realyl different.

We're gonna be missing the game night with the Delts. I think that we should be able to be there for the beginning though, since the concert does start at ten. ...The one part that worries me is taking the train back. >_> On facebook, it said the concert ended at one. TT.TT Red trains run, yes? And it's on a Wednesday.

I'm so hungry~~ x_x

And I'm beginning to think my house is a veeeeery bad place for dieters. xD My friend is going to be coming over, and we haven't eaten lunch yet, but it would be rather cruel to eat in front of her because she can't have starch or sugar. Our house is not a good place at all. xD

I really want to watch A Knight's Tale and Ten Things I Hate About You now... Silly, silly batman movie making me want to watch Heath Ledger shows. xD

I do think, however, that I do need to watch the other Batman movies, seeing as I kind of forgot they existed until someone brought up Dark Knight. ^^;

The red line runs all night, yeah, that. Also past that, um, sure, who are the exec, again? Also I was silly and forgot to turn in pay roll again, I am getting really realyl bad at that, it is very very bad. I hope my boss doesn't check and do payroll till today, cause otherwise, 2 weeks before next pay again, so long!!

I need sleep, boredom and wanting to talk to Mark, but know he isn't here is bad for me health.