...Art by briannamal

HOWSE OF HOFF

TOWN SQUARE, MNW - A cult in Menewsha? Many residents of the small island would protest to such a notion, insisting the community too pure, too good for such a sinister social back-alley. But many residents have noticed certain occurrences inside a small building surrounded by an intimidating eight foot tall fence.

"Yeah, I keep hearing noises through the walls," local resident Demoscout told us. "This used to be a safe neighborhood until those strange people came along. I'm worried for the children, too. Sometimes I can hear young children, and even babies, crying through the walls, but there's nothing I can do." Indeed, it seems there is little that anyone can do about this strange group, which operates largely under the radar of local law enforcement.

"We get complaints about the noise sometimes," Officer Justice of the Menewsha Police Department commented. "We go and we tell them to keep it down, but there's not much else that we can do. They have not broken any laws."

However, many residents have the suspicion that all sorts of illegal activities take place in the compound. The group, who identifies themselves as "Hoffers," have been suspected in everything from petty crime to homicide. "I lost my garden gnome a few weeks back... [I'm] pretty sure they had something to do with it," reported one resident who wished to remain anonymous.

We were able to contact Facade, a young transvestite who previously owned the building and sold it to these "Hoffers." When asked whether he was aware of the group's lifestyle and intentions prior to the sale, he had this to say, "Why, of course! What, are you biased against scaly green men in tutus?" When asked if he had ever been inside the building after the sale, he admitted he was invited over for a drink. "Well, I wouldn't call it tea!" The young man said as he straightened his petticoat. "Tetley pales in comparison to Bailey's in a shoe!"

But perhaps stranger than what goes on inside the building is what comes out of it. Mrs. Facade alleges to have witnessed a naked man leaving the premises some months ago. "He had body hair in the most peculiar places! ... I think I dated him in college."

Witnesses claim a team of Chippendale dancers left the compound sometime last week. Sources say there were at least 120 of the dancers in the compound.
"That... What goes on in there is just sick," one dancer told us on the condition of anonymity. "I just... I don't even have words for it. I'm seeing a shrink now, but she doesn't even believe the things I tell her about my experiences there." The man burst into tears at this point, stopping only to reapply oil to his chest.

We were able to catch up with fairywaif, a Hoffer who, these days, has been spending less time in the compound.
"Well, the incident with the octopus was very fun and all, but I realised I needed a breather. One can't make gnomes angry every day, you know," she told us.

Following this, one of our reporters was able to enter the compound, where she sacrificed her life in order to give us these accounts from real Hoffers. "The Hoffers reeled me in with promises of booze and footwear," a recent convert, Cardinal Biggles told us. "I've never looked back. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to re-tinfoil my hat."

"At first, I was surrounded by a white light," a tall, rape-y looking Hoffer, known as General Lee Outrageous told us. "I didn't know where I was. The room was filled with all sorts of people dressed in surgical garb. They were holding various sharp instruments which frightened me. I heard a horrid buzzing noise which turned out to be an 80's mix tape of Duran Duran and Michael Bolton. After that, everything went black, and I woke up in the middle of a cornfield, dressed in a playboy bunny outfit. Other than that, the Christmas party was alright, I guess. The hors d'oeuvres could've used some work, though." Another Hoffer, Tentenpuff told us her story in rap form. The complete transcript can be seen below.

"It was PANDELERIUM!" A scantily-dressed Hoffer known as Flink stated, seeming to be referring to nothing in particular. "As The Shat, one of the original members of the Howse of Hoff, Flink would like you all to try her special type of Kool Aid, it's invisible and mystery flavored!" Sadly, this was the last thing we received from our reporter on the scene, Trish Gables. She has not been seen since.

Are these "Hoffers" dangerous? Or merely misunderstood? Only time will tell, but this does little to settle the minds of nearby residents. We'll keep you updated on any developments in this case.

Legend has it that one night, when the moon was full, Old Gregg rose from the Black Lake carrying a box. Inside that box was a list of commandments faxed to him by David Hasselhoff himself. Hoffers respect these commandments as law. They are as follows.

Thou shalt follow the holy TOS and site rules

Thou shalt not commit acts of n00bery

Thou shalt not be a prick

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's awesome laser beam

Thou shalt not stir up feces

Thou shalt not wear green dresses, for they are cruel

Thou shalt banish thyself from the premises if thy leader demands it to be so

Thou shalt have a sense of humor

Thou shalt possess the ability to recognize sarcasm and cheekiness

Thou shalt not possess the ability to recognize chloroform by smell

Thou shalt have fun

Tentenpuff's Hoff rap


Now, this is the story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit in your loft
I'll tell you how I became a cult member of a Howse called Hoff

In west-side Menewsha, born and raised
In the General Discussion was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all generally discussin' after I got home from school
When a couple of n00bs
Who were as good as dead
Startin making trouble up in my threads
I got in one little fight and was sent on probation
The mod said 'You're movin' with your Christy and Kevo in Mene Nations'

I whistled for a chopper and when it came near
The bumper sticker said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say is that this chopper was ballin'
But I thought 'Man forget it' and ran into a wall
(why the fuck are there floating white walls i mean what the what?)

I pulled up to the Howse, lookin' all swell
And I yelled to the pilot 'Yo homes ttyl'
I looked to the thread
I was finally off
To sit on my throne as Inconspicuous Hoff

Recent news from our Lord and depravior, the Hoff

Hasselhoff to replace Simon Cowell as Britain's Got Talent judge?
Hasselhoff family reality show The Hasselhoffs coming to A&E
Hoff roaster Greg Giraldo passes away

RESOURCES:
David Hasselhoff on Facebook
DavidHasselhoff.com
David Hasselhoff on Twitter

What

Previous messages that we have preached:

"xx pages of girly pokemans (and shoes!)"
"Jubilant pokemans?" (Phoenix Jubilee event thread)
"Our Pokemens will break your eye."
"We have totally safe, not poisoned candy!"
"We're fantastically offensive."
"Snape kills Bella!"
"Snape kills Bella with a shooting star" (Celes Paradi event thread)
"A cult of fun where the Kool-Aid is only poisoned /sometimes/"
"The kittens are a lie"
"We've taken over admin."
"We're mildly interesting"
"We're mildly spooky" (Halloween event thread)
"We're mildly chilly" (Festival of Winter Nights event thread)
"Our Pokemans bring all the nerds to the yard"
"9 months, 600 pages, 9 regs, and still as batshit as the day we forced our way into this world, covered in pokemans."
"It's made in Germany and you know the Germans make good stuff!"
"Melts in your mouth, not your hand!"
"The Only Number of the Beast That We're Familiar With is Snorlax's Cell Number"
"Catch a weedle! (LIKE A BOSS) Walk through the forest! (LIKE A BOSS) Find a Spinarak! (LIKE A BOSS)"
"Oh my god, I don't even buy paper towels anymore!"
"Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to disagree?"
"Oh my god, I don't even BUY shooting stars anymore!" (Celes Paradi Event Thread)
"You ever drink Baileys from a shoe?"
"Still bitter about the Velveteen Rabbit..."
"WE'RE OLD GREGG!"
"Ancient Chinese secret, huh?"
"We've been inside a lot of whales..."
"IT'S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS TIME!"
"Slowly Mr. Hurst realized, with some horror, that this was not, in fact, tea."
"BANANA POWER!"
"We have "suspicious" quotation marks"
"Baby platypi for all!"

They STILL haven't fixed the title editing? XD That's amusing.

THE SHAT is here!

Needed more bold.

Hello ;D
They made it so much harder to navigate through the forums.

Harder? How so? Seems about the same to Flink.

Cherry, nice to see you went through with making this thread. <3 Flink appreciates it. -nod-

However, Flink does not feel well. So she will go sleep.:drool:

Well, I like to be a "regular" at threads.
Before I could just go to My Posts and chat at all the threads when I wanted.
Now I have to go to the particular section I found it in and it just annoys me D:

Um no..Because i was able to click on your profile Pixelbag and stalk you to here. By clicking on the view post option. I belive thats what its called.

Well it's not the same D:
And you are a pro stalker.

YAY WE ARE OPEN!!!!!!

How come everytime I type testing, it creates a broken image. ._. So strange.

*throws confetti about*

yup, still not working. te.sting

Hello, everyone! :D

How is everyone doing today?

I'm good!! Just sitting at work trying to be productive... but getting ditracted by Mene instead!! xD

How are you?

Oh, pretty much the same. Just needing to get some housework done.
Mene is so distracting!
But pretty.... *pets it*

Yussss so pretty and finally shared with everyone!!! (Even if it's still buggy).

And yay you joined my LOLcat group. I missed having a place to image spam. xD

... *spots the word 'innocent!'*
Now, now... is this thread THAT innocent?
*chuckles*
*evil horn appears*

*does Baywatch run into topic* The Classic Hoff is making an appearence!

Hey hey everyone! :D How's it going?

@Cherry: Do you want me to change the title for you?

Hello hello!!!

fiarra - Yeah! :D We can play with the new features and layers, and still talk to everyone else and earn gold! Yay!
I bet. XD I uploaded some pictures to it, too. :D
Some of them are ones you had used before, though. I saved my favorites. ^^

xuv - Of course we're innocent! XD We're evil and stuff, but we're not trying to start trouble. XD

HIM - The Hoff bewbs. They bounce. @_@

Ferra - Yes, could you please? ^^ Just change it to "Howse of Hoff!"


HIM & Xuv - You guys can go ahead and fill out the member form thing if you want. ^^

roocee - Hello! ^^ How are you doing today?

I want to be free body~~
and I want back my ability to change title~~ (not that I need that now... lol.)

*finnishes running to fill out form*

I LUVS ME HOFF
Username: Hmmm this is a tough one....HIM_ROCK.....is that right?
Title that you want: Classic Hoff

Okay, I added you. ^^