It helps a lot, actually. It's awesome to have someone not only listen but actually GET IT.

I was talking to Dillon on lunch in circles cause he was making fun of my eyes (I have lazy eyes that were "corrected" as a baby and it gets really bad wandering with extreme emotions mostly anger) that a conversation about anger where I started to evaluate myself as I have grown over these last 10-15 years. In high school I look back and think I was always happy then. At least outwardly, there was a lot of depression and even anger under the surface but I could "feel" happy a lot easier and quicker back then. (This was brought up because I asked if I turn red faced in anger still because my male ROTC friends use to taunt me for this back then ROTC was on place that could make my blood boil). This lead me to talk about my worst problems with anger during my pregnancy and after Sean's birth where I became physically violent (not towards anyone but the thoughts were there and I threw stuff a lot)... Dillon made excuses for my behavior because it was the height of my thyroid problems but honestly not on my meds or on "classic symptoms" of the disorder does it say "you will COMPLETELY lose your mind." Then there is now.... I am a month from 28 and I think I am the calmest and most patient person I have ever been. I am least prone to angry out bursts but somehow I am ALWAYS angry still. How does that work? Honestly I am mad at the world always it seems even when life really isn't that bad. There is always some fight to be had in my own head.... that was totally random but it got me thinking at his lunch. I have changed perspectives so many times in my life but it seems that underlying personality flaw is still there.

I guess the thought came to mind to share because of the questions you much better verbalize then I could. I've always said life is about being happy. It's my mantra.... I don't believe like my mom that life is about chasing money. But sometimes that money seems to hold happiness prisoner. I want a home birth and I have to pay out the eyeballs to have one I feel comfortable with. When what is reality is a hospital an OB an overnight stay or more what would that amount to. Nothing because my "insurance" covers it. So I either bow and follow there rules or I am punished for not doing so. It is infuriating and it is a wonder why I always feel angry but I somehow have managed to keep from blowing parliament up..... lol you know what I mean... It is a horribly tough thing to balance my kids make me happy but there is much out there that says I should not continue having children. I think everyone gets it in a small way. It's just different for each person. We battle with money others battle with morals or time or what have you. Right?

---------- Post added 12-02-2013 at 02:42 PM ----------

Awww grammar and punctuation mess for sure. Shield you eyes to me apparently not knowing what a comma or period is.

It makes sense, definitely. All in all, I just want to be happy. Actually, that's only partially accurate. I want OTHERS to be happy, too. It's why I do what I do for work. I truly believe if people could get out of their own way sometimes, they'd feel better. Or, in some cases, if people can just get that support they need to feel like they can get out of bed and keep going... then it's worth it.

I want enough money to get a house, and to live comfortably. Not brand new everything forever happy, but comfortable in that if I wanted takeout, we could do it without thinking about the bills. I don't think that's so much to ask... for people to work hard and have like $200-300 a month in money to do something with besides pay bills.

I've had to readjust and adjust and readjust my thought process regarding money so much over the past few years. It's frustrating sometimes.

You know what? At the lowest point today, all I thought about was having another baby. I swear it's tied into it. Maybe it's because having children, however brief, allows us a space to love and be loved without the outside interfering. Before school age, you can take care of someone just by yourself (for the most part--doctor visits are there and whatnot). There's something about kids that keeps some people (me) going. It makes it worthwhile.

I think I'm just having one of those days where I'll feel much better after sleeping. Cole talked about what actually happened when he came home and it is a mess. Like I said, he's done nothing wrong in terms of job protocol or anything like that. I think it's some staff feeling sour grapes and pointing fingers to drag everyone else down with them. It's such a long, long, drawn out thing. And dramatic. I think he'll likely call another team meeting to bring it up. Right now he's working on his job application.

It would be good for him to move to something that isn't a grant program. I begged that he waits until January to actually go somewhere because he can collect his vacation time.

---------- Post added 12-02-2013 at 06:02 PM ----------

Hah. There I go about money again.

In the end it boils down to what our money will let us do right? Will my finances be able to support and encourage my children's growth? Will having Liam completely obliterate us financially or will we ha able to in the future be able to discuss having another baby? Will that baby obliterate us? Will we ever stand strongly on our own two feet? Is there really such thing as a job that sustains a family?

It doesn't necessarily mean money makes is happy bit it sure as heck makes it easier to be, or so it seems right?

So I took my bad mojo and tried to attack my floors and set up our living room tree. It kind of back fired... remember a few weeks ago I told you I had a nasty mildewy/dirty diaper/ dog smell? That I couldn't find.... apparently the last time Dillon Steamed the carpet (the boys room) he didn't empty the dirty water.... It smells AWEFUL in the house now. I mean AWEFUL! I didn't notice until it gave me the warning that the dirty water was full. I kept thinking it happened aweful soon that I had really just started. Then after emptying that the thing flipped out and started spraying water everywhere :/ my house smells yucky now... I am not sure what I am going to do about it but I did put up the tree... kind of...

I feel that Cole's and my jobs sustain us under normal circumstances. I know that life always has unexpected bills, but if we have the income we have now, we're completely okay. It's just a case of slowly chipping down the credit cards. If I were pregnant now, we could pay for a home birth in installments. I know we could. I'm still trying to get used to the adjustment going from $10-14k a year to now. I feel once we get the credit card gone, and whatever Cole's medical bills end up being, we will be able to make a savings account. It just... it was all bad timing up to this point with the "unexpected'".

Like you say, money itself doesn't bring happiness, BUT it decreases stress. It does. For example I was able to buy two pairs of jeans because I have two pairs now that are falling apart, and no backup pants beyond sweatpants or pajama bottoms. But we didn't need to budget for it. It's been seven years since that.

Oh no!! That's what was causing the icky smell? I... don't know what would help beyond trying to air the house out, but then the cold... argh.

I wish we could say the same. Our jobs don't sustain us. :/ both of us are unhappy in our work too. Me moreso then Dillon. And both of us find we feel pretty under valued by everyone around us in work terms. There is that aspect too! I may make less money but I am much happier just being a stay at home mom, screw this version on being a work at home mom. Dillon I think would be happier elsewhere where he could see benefit to his hard work. Raises or vacation something more then a measly bonus that really doesn't amount to much. He holds back because he has weekends off I think... that is the only explanation I have... but there are a lot of levels that provide us with means to be happier. Sometimes getting them all to fall into place is the problem...

New pants must be a luxury everywhere. I am wearing maternity pants from from Sean and Michael's pregnancies (one from each) and I am already outgrowing one. My normal pants all had crotch holes o.o that I sew repeatedly.... I finally budgeted for one new pair the got pregnant go me :P

I had the window open for a little while. I am tempted to bleach the whole deal and try to figure out what it's issue is and then try again tomorrow... just to be sure the smell isn't in the carpet....

Our jobs didn't sustain us before we went to school (nor the seven years during). They do now, save for the issues I already went on about. We will be much better once I find a job with my degree that holds medical benefits!

Someday, when the babies are older, I know you'll find a job that's equally fulfilling as being a mummy. Does Dillon self-doubt a lot? He sounds like such a hard worker, but to be in a job you hate is the pits. :(

He's a horrible self doubter. To the point of "why try I'll just fail anyway." I am not much better but I dream of things and when certain opportunities pop up I will push to get everything in come he'll or high water! I don't press for stupid things like customer service jobs and stuff but I made sure my application for my breastfeeding peer councillor position was in, and on time! I even took the test while I was there.

Speaking of that I am not sure how I feel about going to group tomorrow :/ one because I have Jayden and two I am still bitter about not getting the job. I fear I'll meet the new peer councilor and know them and their experience and know exactly why I didn't get it :/

I am feeling better after my choppy sleep. I had lots of wake up calls from Liam and my bladder like 5 times to Ellie like 7 kicking me or hitting me in the face/ side or back...

Dillon and I are off to do some grocery shopping today! Yay! Food! I need to hop in the shower. I need to move I am praying to hang on to the positive mood and the little energy I have!

But, if you know their experience, you can compare it to your own and see what you can gain before the next application. As much as I hate to say it, you could have been denied based on pregnancy. It's illegal for people to do that, but if they see your belly, they don't have to speak a word if they want to be jerks. :/

I didn't tell anyone in my grad admissions that I was pregnant because I knew I would have been denied. I was able to do the interview via webcam, so they never saw a thing. I didn't tell anyone I was having a baby until I was in labor. I showed them wrong.

Try going to group. It always makes you feel energized, right?

I'm chugging through work. I'm going to try to work from home on Friday. Key word "try". x.x And by work from home, I really mean me working Thursday night so that I can have Friday completely off. I need a breather, plus the mental space to prepare for Monday's interview.

Being denied for a legitimate reason I can see. I'd be ok with someone with more experience getting the position. But being denied solely on the fact that there was no hiding my pregnancy. I mean the Lactation consultant and the other peer counselor both know I am pregnant and it is pretty visible too. I think it is so wrong for me to lose a position based on that.

Crud need to run have a good day I'll talk to you later for sure <3

It would be wrong, definitely. People suck though...

I reckon it's worth going just to find out who the new peer counselor is so you can compare. A simple, "I hope to do similar work someday, can you tell me about your experiences?" would allow you to peek into the window and draw conclusions.

See you later on! I'm still chugging away at work... getting tense in here today. x_x

Uh oh why is it tense?

We finished grocery shopping but Dillon wound up being late because of it.... probably wouldn't have been late if we didn't have an "emergency potty break" that took 20 minutes because she really didn't have to go she was just marking her territory. O.o

My favorite bread was buy one get one free too which was nice because it is also WIC bread :)

I forgot to tell you yesterday that I sold half of the "entertainment" center thing I was looking to sell for $30 yay more money in the jar less money from Christmas with the mortgage money /rolls eyes. It's ok I need to do a redo to our budget as some of our bills have changed... I also need to do some kind of to do list... I am starting to feel sleepy what the heck o.o is it because I am sitting? I seem to get tired immediately upon sitting down. Bleh

My grandmother isn't well. She has been demanding the SQF thing for months, and I've dealt with several cases of, "Do it my way. Wait, you're wrong. Do it this way. You're wrong. Do it the way you did it in the beginning. That's wrong too." I'm not exaggerating. There's no apology for it, either.

She is literally telling me it's all wrong, says we need to do it this way or that, so then I do it the exact way she asks. Then I'm told it's wrong. Then she always points back to what I originally did and says that's the right way. Until, of course, she flips again and everything is wrong. I've had it. I really don't have another choice at the moment. I'm looking and applying at places, so... here goes.

I have a ridonkulously big to-do list. I'm getting caught up on email and junk and then I'm going to get at it. :(

I have drank too much coffee, officially I am finishing my 4th cup /bad pregnant lady. I am going to push myself to drink at least a liter of water after and hope to get two in me!

I haven't "made" a to do list. Maybe when the boys get home but I started cleaning out the steamer and "trying to look over it's tubes to figure out why is is all of the sudden REALLY LOUD and occasionally has issues holding it's water. But it looks like Chinese in there... I am thinking I may see if Hoover has a trouble shooting something or another for it later.

Is your grandma showing signs of er, dementia or Alzheimer's? Or is it just normal behavior. That is frustrating stuff, I'd go batty! I don't like redoing things ever much less multiple times. I hope it gets better though.

Time to get my paint on, I am so close to finishing Ellie's room I want to see if I can finish today or tomorrow...

OH! Speaking of tomorrow Dillon got his hour shift change request starting tomorrow he is now on the 8 to 4:30 shift! No more struggling with both of us beat down exhausted when he gets home! Yay!

---------- Post added 12-03-2013 at 02:52 PM ----------

/sigh Ellie's awake time to clean up my painting mess ugh I am warm!

I drank too much coffee today too. I'm jittery, bitchy, and anxiety-plagued. Driving was horrid. xD;;

My grandmother isn't showing signs of dementia or Alzheimer's... that's the frustrating thing. She's fully capable of sitting down and writing across the forms I've done, but she won't. She doesn't know what she wants. She just "knows" the system is wrong. (She doesn't, obviously. For instance if we're working on food safety, one of the codes is about hygiene. She says we don't need to worry about it. Uhhhh....)

SWEET!!! I'm so glad he's back to 8:00-4:30!! What a huge relief! :)

Wow the lady that was suppose to pick up the furniture piece today got all snippy with me about me not being home. I had to get my son who never got on the bus I am sorry it is a 30 minute drive alone that is not to account for the fact that Michael was never given the message that he was suppose to be heading ON the bus home either the office or the teacher didn't pass on that message and he never got on an even went to cursive instead. Not his fault but I couldn't leave him there. So they are all angry with me even though I explained my oldest didn't get on the bus like he was suppose to....

That dampened my mood a bit but I am not going to let it last. She already paid, it is just a matter of pick up. She made a threat to me that it can't be picked up until the weekend and then that it is suppose to be cold etc etc. All I could think is well you paid for it. It's not like I can sell it... not in good conscious anyhow!

I think once Sean is done with homework I will push to get something done to raise my mood. I should also go get my water from Ellie's room I haven't drank much.

People have no patience or compassion anymore. :< Bah. She'll either get it or she won't, right? Hang in there.

I'm upstairs wrapping gifts. Gifts, gifts, gifts. I am so tempted to just keep Terra's all unwrapped and from Santa. Seriously. I did all of Cole's family, and save for a shipping label, it's ready to mail. I have two big eBay packages to prep after this, sans holiday wrapping paper thankfully. :p

I was more concerned about getting Cole's wrapped as I didn't want him to peek. I don't think he would, but this removes any and all possibility of him doing so.

I want to wrap soon. But I am so meh about wrapping lol. Dill's is living in my underwear drawer and he knows it is there so he won't mess with it. He also tells me if I forget to close it. He likes surprises too much to ruin it :)

They came to pick up the entertainment center thing I sold she was much less tabby which whatever right? Some people need to understand life isn't just about them I think.

Ellie is being super drama whiny pants and I don't know what to do with her. Tv seems to be the only thing calms the drama she is putting out. Mikes is mad at me but he has not had his homework two days in a row. He didn't do his homework over the week he had off for thanksgiving and he's angry that I am making him do the make up. I think I have a copy of his paper I just need the time to find it in my office.

Time to get up again I think. I cleaned out the steamer stuff. Dear Lord it was so nasty not the easiest to do while pregnant but it looks almost brand new! And smells better... not 100% but better. The lid thingy to the dirty water was not something I could easily clean with a sprayer and hot water. So now I need to look up trouble shooting!

I fail at wrapping. Or rather, I just didn't care what it looked like this year. I wanted to get it done ASAP. All shipping labels are done and all packages ready to head out in tomorrow's mail! Yeah!

Wow... sounds super busy. @_@

Lol when am I not busy? I made 30$ more tonight selling the second half of the set I was have had up for like 3 weeks on craigslist! I delisted it as a shelf and almost instantly got a call woooh! One more thing down! And $60 richer! I am debating on selling our second tree... I like the idea of having one in the doorway upstairs to the balcony but I don't know... I think when we are better off I might look into buying a shorter tree for up there (this one is 8 or 9 foot tall)

Yay for getting stuff done though right... I am going to have to rest I am feeling sick to my stomach for some reason. I hit that point in my pregnancy again where night time eating causes issues

Plus if you sell the tree now, you'll be able to get more money for the midwife, aaaand sell it at peak season. You can pick up another tree when they're off season for super cheap!

Our bedroom is mostly cleaned. The worst part of it was the pile of boxes with the presents inside. Everything but Terra's is wrapped. I'll get Cole to sit down with me soon and look over the gifts to decide what's from us and what's from Santa. I'm feeling happy that most of my part of Christmas prep is done. Against my better judgment we just ordered a bunch of crappy food from Schwan's for the get together at my mother's. The pot roast is gluten-free, but the rest? Not so much. I'm running on the idea that since Terra NEVER eats when she's out visiting and busy, it won't much matter.

I'm getting excited! Three weeks from now it'll be time! :D

That was what I was think too almost exactly! Prime season it's a nice tree but my mom's was skinnier and fits nicer in my livingroom. Hmmmm.... Dillon says he is ok with it so maybe... probably will need to do a quick set up of it with the lights on and take a picture of it. Maybe after the crazies are asleep if I don't pass out myself. Ellie went from whiney and miserable to instant happy psycho once Dillon got home.

I need to call Michael's teacher tomorrow I keep putting it off thinking he'll get better. End of term should be soonish and he is struggling hard core in more then one way. I think since I am resting I need to do a brain dump of things I've been needing and wanting to do. And set up a list for tomorrow like I was doing. I will have to get better about doing this again. With Dillon leaving at 8 I need to be more on my toes cause I'll have less help with Jayden.

My bedroom is embarrassing :/ but getting better with reduction unneeded stuff in here. Now if only I could get Ellie's bedding to sell and our or printer/copier/fax machine.

I am feeling better I don't like these bouts of stomach problems they are no fun but at least they don't last long! I have a lot of energy but I have a feeling Ellie is going to be a spitfire to get to sleep she is bouncing off walls

Definitely get it up as soon as possible, provided you have the energy to do so once they're to bed! (:

Brain dumps are good... as sometimes we just forget. We remember in a time when it can't be done, like a phone call during business hours. What's concerning you most?

I hope your tummy eases soon. I forget how hard pregnancy can be, and how the body just changes so much!

I need to get off the computer. Don't wanna, but I'm failing at getting anything done. I've hit my exhaustion but I NEED to do the dishes. Tomorrow's milk day and I need to get the jars sanitized.

See you tomorrow!

It is 9pm and Ellie is still awake! One hour past bedtime, but at least she is finally calm. I imagine she will be asleep before long. Dillon is snoring which is both frustrating and annoying >.>; we are on funny opposite schedules. The last week I have had 0 energy and have hit need at 8 with Ellie, not usually sleeping because I am a defiant 2 year old, but in bed resting anyhow while he has been up and about cleaning into the wee hours of the morning. Tonight I had energy (not sure if I still do our not and he can't stay awake to save his life. So I sent him to take the dog out so he doesn't get forgotten. And I'll see what kind of energy I have left in a few seconds.

The brain dump didn't work out as well as I had hoped but we got some things. My biggest concern are Sean and Michael. More Michael because he is struggling this year with school. I've been meaning to call since early last month when grades came out and he is sitting at 1% away from a D in math. Then there is the "I forgot" every piece of homework and "she won't give me a new one." Thing... I like the freedom of having the boys on the bus but I really don't like not talking to teachers daily.

Good night, talk to us tomorrow. Hope you rest well!

---------- Post added 12-03-2013 at 09:21 PM ----------

Wow kindle you really make me sound like an idiot thanks!

Terra was hard to get down last night. She finally fell asleep around 9... since I made that post just after getting back downstairs. Dishes never did get done because when I went to unload the dishwasher the tab never came out during the last cycle. Agh. So... after work I should be able to get them taken care of.

lol @ Kindle xDDD

But hey, it keeps you mobile, right??

With the boys, that's really a rough call. Can the teachers email, curiously? Some do so I wasn't sure. :(