I'm finally home. I tried to post before leaving work but the time crunch got me. It's lobster fishing rebate season, which has kept me away from being able to use my laptop. Thankfully it's over...

I'm not sure what's right regarding "what to do". I'm not sure if you're supposed to counter when your ex is a dickhead. It just puts Michael in a deeper awkwardness when both parents are doing it. I remember being the kid who thought Dad was way better than Mom, when in actuality he was so far worse. So far worse. Mom, like you, had to front all the responsibilities while Dad got to look awesome. He would, come to think of it, say negative things about her, yet she didn't about him. I wouldn't have believed her if she had tried to light the truth, either.

Maybe he does need to manage Michael. What does Michael want? If the ex would have to do everything you do, he wouldn't want Michael. That's just the sad truth. He's not an involved parent. He doesn't support the bulk of the finances, and if I'm remembering right, doesn't he often ditch child support in a manner that it tends to screw up your monthly budget if and when he finally does do something?

What, exactly, does Michael say is your fault regarding schooling? God, that's rough. And so unfair. :/

How are you physically doing right now? Has the pain subsided?

I took a nap and Dillon took a write up to come help with some of the major catastrophes at home before going back to work because I was unable. I feel a little better after napping but no where near normal or great I think I'd need a full Uninterupted sleep for me to even be sort of back to normal. I just woke up and I am still shaking. Most of the pain has subsided except an ache in my right arm which makes me believe I did something to screw it up more then just my body rejecting me for the Crazy emotions.

Michael I think is conflicted. He it sounds like is much like you. He loves his family and understands only the basic idea that he wants to be able to love and be loved by all of us. He has told me numerous times that he just wants me and his dad to get back together. Which baffles me that he grasps this concept. He has NEVER known a time that we were ever together and honestly I blame my mother and sister for putting the idea in his head.

I think we need to find help no matter how much it scares me. The emotions of it all are beyond me.

The good news I suppose and bad is that I think I am going to call Tara tonight and tell her I need to back out now rather then right before Christmas. I need to alleviate stress and some is coming from Jayden. I've been dreading next week because I have 3 days with 3 early morning appointments and now no one to help me get it all together.

Can you go to the hospital and get checked out without it costing anything? If Dillon is still home, can you please go if you're up for driving? :/

The hospital will pee test me and then tell me I needed to cry. I had a similar episode after Sean was born and that is exactly what the told me. They gave me no resources or help of any kind. Except to say it was baby blues. It wasn't it was my thyroid took 3 doctors to figure it out... Plus Dillon is not home and is staying a little longer (at my request) to make up the time he missed coming home to help.

I am functioning ok. I haven't had a melt down since I woke up so that is good. I am struggling still with Michael and his homework he is just not doing it and now he needs to be getting ready to go to his dad's. Ugh just the thought of him makes me feel physically I'll right now. Ugh.

amned hospital. >.< I more meant if you were still in pain, I would hope they'd check his heartbeat and make sure you're both okay. I'm glad it sounds like you're a bit better, even if not great.

Can you get therapy for you guys? It does sound really scary right now with Michael. It wouldn't have to be an all or nothing thing right now... even if it's just you and Michael. The issue is Ellie having care, but I bet some therapists wouldn't mind her coming. I'm sorry it's so rough. :(

That is what I am thinking he and I at very least need therapy. At very least. But I know that a lot is effecting Sean as well he tells me how he misses Michael when he's gone and how come his dad can't just be Michael's dad too. Etc. He's been having troubles since the beginning of the school year today was really bad I am sure it was because he watched me melt down multiple times before going to school today. I am sure he was having trouble processing it especially when he has trouble with his own emotions. It sounds like Michael had the opposite effect. He does what I did in school and turned on the smile. He is pretty wound up right now. And Ellie is being a two year old!

I think just starting out at the biggest need is enough. It's a good idea for Sean to come in time, but maybe if you just start the process it can fall into place? I think it's a good idea. It's worth a shot, at least, right??

My concern is Michael is resistant to starting therapy. I am not sure why. Maybe because in lack of ability to explain what a therapist does, I told him they are "head doctors" doctors who help get into you mind... not choice explanation for a 3 year old. He has been resistant ever since even after explaining all you do is talk when he was 4ish and the issue came up again. He tells me he refuses to talk and just throws a fit whenever the subject is brought up. I think maybe the answer is to look into someone and not say anything to him which goes against everything in my bones. I don't believe hiding things from kids is healthy but I know that I won't get him to willingly come without lying.

Dillon's home now and Michael's dad was just shy of 2 hours late picking him up again. Don't know about you but I am completely convinced he wants to be with Mikes how about you /sarcasm. But I got to sit with him (and Sean) for the last 20 or 30 minutes just sitting which was nice I don't get to spend as much time with my big boys as I do with Ellie. Sean even felt Liam hiccup which was cool I don't think Mike's got to feel it I think he was a little to far over but he said he did I'll have to try later when Liam is really kicking! Ellie joined us off and on but she was chasing her dad a lot. I needed that time for sure! I feel better just having held them. It gave me back my resolve I think.

Dillon thinks the pain I was feeling was adrenalin with no where to go. Since it feels like muscle pain like I was lifting or doing stairs but it is only on my dominant side so he thinks it must be because I didn't use it in either of it's intended ways I just curled into a ball and sobbed most of the day. No fight or flight for me...

I am feeling better though, not 100% but definitely better. No break downs since lunch time, and I've been able to smile and such!

I may rethink my choice to call Tara tonight. Jr. Just showed up to pay me for the week and paid $100 which is more doable for me then $75 for 4 days of work! It brings me closer to my pay off with the midwife. And less will need to come out of our mortgage and more can be put towards Christmas!

I think it's okay to him to say, "We're both going to see a therapist. Things aren't healthy and we need to fix it. It's not you with the problem, but it's me and you combined making problems. I want to be happier. Don't you?"

I think the pain may have been panic related, too. That helpless feeling and just like falling apart.

I'm so braindead. How much is left to go now for the midwife? You already told me and it escaped my head that fast. I know you said it needs to be paid by 30 weeks otherwise an extra $200 pops up, hey? I'm crossing fingers not much needs to come out of the mortgage. It sounds like you got a solid backup plan, right?

---------- Post added 12-06-2013 at 09:06 PM ----------

And, shame on his dad. Seriously. Oh yes sirree, it's all for his boy and not a bit for less child support payments--nopenopenope.

Michael's dad is an embarrassment to man kind I wish we had judges that did forced sterilization here. He most definitely doesn't need any more kids in his brood!

Letsee i counted I think $495 in my midwife savings. So with my pay that would be $595 I owe $750 in total so er, math......$155 left? It would be done by my 30 week appointment I think at this rate IF I get the $100 next week too! Then normal pay when Tara gets to normal schedule (unless she has 4 day week's but I don't think she does I think she told me it was only 3 day week's cause she works weekends) It would even given me an extra 25 I think! That is if my math isn't failing me.

I think I could say that I've tried something similar before and was met with pure defiance. I just couldn't tell him the day it happens I think I'd literally have to bring him in kicking and screaming!I think one day of therapy and he'd be ok with it I think it's honestly the fear of the unknown.

---------- Post added 12-06-2013 at 07:39 PM ----------

For some reason I decided that I wanted mango vanilla smoothie in 5° weather I'm brilliant! Now I am cold on the inside and the outside

I guess your best bet is to just tell him it's happening and you acknowledge he hates the idea. You're his mum and some things are okay to push. :(

Did he actually get him yet?

Mmm, smoothie.

He got him about 6 claiming a flat tire (it's 8 now). That man needs to start taking the bus or something he can't seem to have a running motor vehicle for more then a day without it "blowing up" "catching fire" or blowing out a tire. And that's coming from me... the tire fail queen of the year this year.

I think it is for the best with both of us I eventually want to see about family counseling I think we could all benefit from outside ideas. But I think your right Mikes and I need it most. I've messed up a lot with Mikes and I think we have yet to overcome most of it.

Plus you can get a feel for what it's like, and above all, make sure to switch therapists if something feels off. Some just suck, like with any profession. I think it's good to start with you guys so you can focus on you guys without it being as overwhelming as working on goals with all kids at once.

I'm so glad it's the weekend, but I know it's going to fly by so quickly...

I am ecstatic that it is the weekend! I need time to recoup! I am hoping to be more productive then I was today which won't be hard I suppose since I pretty much did nothing except try to reclaim the dining table.

I am sore in more places then I realized holy cow it feels like I spent all of yesterday at the gym. I had two days that were polar opposites yesterday was great until the end today was wretched until the end.

I feel bad Sean had a bad day at school today and i am sure my breakdowns were more then part of it. I forget how little the all really are until I realize how much I can shake them by being unstable. Michael hides like I do/did until he can't handle it anymore. Sean lashed out. I think Ellie will be much the same, she was would today especially when I started to come down from the distress. I'd like to say I am exhausted but I am worried it is going to be hard to sleep both with being sore and just feel kind of restless. Dillon on the other hand has been out for an hour already he passed out almost instantly when I asked him to lay with Ellie and i cause she was done nursing and needed to stay laying down.

Try to sleep when you can. I get to sleep in tomorrow, otherwise I'd be in bed now. I really, really, really need to force myself to bed no later than 9pm. I'm not taking care of myself as well as I should be, and it's all within my control. I never feel good unless I get AT LEAST eight hours of sleep. I do much better with nine. My issue is that sometimes I have such intense dreams that I honestly don't rest. Period.

Keep chugging... the kiddos will feel better in time. Try to see what options are out there to help you guys sort your thoughts, and then go from there. It'll be okay. <3

I wound up going to sleep around 10 which is good for me cause I've been up way late the last few weeks. We even slept in! Though I did wake up just before the alarm and sat up to stretch my sore muscles, which apparently stirred Ellie enough to make her sit bolt up and say "wake up time daddy" lol poor Dillon. I asked her why it was wake up time and Dillon responded with "because she's the disturbed of neat dreams." I didn't sleep super solidly last night but I slept enough to feel well rested this morning. Not sure if it is baby causing my hips to shift or from all the crap yesterday but my hips hurt like no other last night and this morning o.O

I hope you got a good sleep :) you need it as much as I did!

Thanks for listening yesterday by the way I wish I could explain it but all of it is still a mystery to me as to why it all welled up like it did. I feel back to normal today I hope it last after Mikes gets home I really have a hard time usually after he gets home. He seems more inclined to be nasty towards me after each visit.

Dillon and I are talking about going to see mall Santa today as the boy scout Santa will more then likely not be there this year, not exchange of gifts but the boy scouts are giving to others instead. The church is doing a canned food drive and the scouts are raising money for another pack out of state who lost all their stuff in a fire. I like this idea better honestly!

We are also doing tree decorating and HOPEFULLY making count down calender things for each kiddo! I have been slacking hardcore :(

I slept in... I got at least ten hours, if not eleven. o.o; I just had some coffee and company's coming in about an hour. I'm itching to get out of town for a bit, so we may take an afternoon trip away. I can't think of a single thing we need beyond groceries. Bubble mailers, I suppose, but that doesn't really warrant an hour drive to Wal-Mart. :P

I'm glad you're feeling better today. Sometimes we all have really rotten days, myself included! (As you already know.)

I should get up and moving... don't wanna!

I need a shower but I had to jump on a diaper deal. Ellie needs them sooo bad. I bought two sets of the discontinued colors. So with the other 3 I bought last week, that puts us up to errr.... 11 covers (plus a couple Ellie already has that aren't TOO shot)! I think one more deal like this and I will be set for when Liam comes. I need to fluff up my prefolds a bit particularly the newborn and toddler stages. I don't have enough in newborn to last two days between washings at least I didn't with Ellie. She has always been a heavy wetter. She is currently requiring a toddler size and an infant size to not leak at night V_V That may mean when Liam hits infant it will need bulking too. O_O diapers diapers EVERYWHERE!!! Not sure if I am going to put off buying newborn covers or not yet. My babies were all forced to come and they were all fair sized. Sean being my smallest at 7lbs 3oz but I think they induced him a LOT earlier then just three days before his due date. Ellie was 7lbs 8oz and Mikes was 7lbs 14.5 oz. I think Liam may be closer to Mikes if not over since he won't be induced. Ohhh scary thought. But the diapers I buy Ellie fit babies from 8lbs to 35lbs. I will actually probably buy Ellie some swaddlebees/ blueberries since she is already 30lbs. Those go a little bigger. If not to buy her some trainers *gasp* but that is later. I can't do anymore diaper purchases until tax time! I just used money intended for Christmas on these V_V bad mama. But she desperately needs them we have been doing disposables for a few days just because her diapers are so hard to keep up on because we keep running out of covers and they are worn out enough that they can't be wiped out (like they are suppose to) and reused with out MAJOR leakage.

/ramble. I get a high from buying diapers it's a sick sick addiction lol. I LOVE diapers.... LOL

Up I get now. Time for a shower!

---------- Post added 12-07-2013 at 09:43 AM ----------

Ohhhh and I won the ornament I want for Ellie!!!!

Enesco Disney Pixar Monsters Inc Boo Christmas Ornament | eBay

Don't know if you will be able to see it. But we got Ellie a "Boo" ornament from Monster's Inc. Michael got Sully and Sean Got Mike (based more on their personalities) and I wanted a boo for Ellie but I wanted one of her in the costume because she wants to be like her brothers! Got it for 12.50 they are going for 18+ on amazon! *dances*

That ornament is adorable!

We got the living room and kitchen picked up, and I tried on my new jeans and bras from Lane Bryant. Bras don't fit. Cup overfloweth. And the band is too big. I'd like to know where the hell my weight's going if the poundage isn't going down but my band size has magically gone down by two sizes. Not that I'm complaining..

I don't think we'll go anywhere. I think the effort taken to clean the apartment wore us out. Laaame. Cole caulked the bathroom, too, as everything was perfectly dry. So no showers for a while and we both need it. That's probably a huge factor in why we don't want to go out. :p

I'll make a grocery list at any rate. We may or may not do anything. I'd like to get a tree this weekend at the minimum!!

Not sure if we should go out the snow got bad last night but I still want out today. Then cleaning.. fun fun. Then fun stuff...

I just emailed the company I bought diapers from to see exactly what the discontinued colors were. Because I got two green two pink and two Lovelace designed colors and one pink and yellow (if I remember right) but it looks like purple and light light blue are also being discontinued so I asked if I could get a better variety of colors... it's not a big deal but I'd like it if I got the dark purple at least before they discontinue.

Time to do my hair and do some laundry.

Company came and visited for a bit. Cole really wants to get out but I'm not sure we will beyond going in town for groceries. Now I'm tired and don't feel like it. xD

If you go today you don't have to go tomorrow right?

I got laundry mostly done I've got Ellie's basket and diapers to fold and put away. Then a basket of clothes for Liam and a combined basket of misc. that needs to be folded and put away but other then that it is just everyone needing to put their junk away.

We will be heading out shortly going to throw the kids dress outfit in the diaper bag. I am having trouble visualizing my time left in the day. It is 1pm (Michael was 30 minutes late coming home) and I just realized it is Ellie's nap time so perhaps we won't be leaving soon but I don't want to be out too late with this nasty weather it's plain too cold. I was considering doing minor grocery shopping as well as the kids possibly picking up their secret Santa gifts... btw that is by no means the best word "secret" because they have all announced who they got lol.

I still don't wanna move. Dx

Oh, laundry. I forgot about the pile of laundry that needs to be done. Oops. I'm kinda now glad we didn't go out of town. o.o;;

Have a good time out!

Zomgoodness!!!! That was hard! LOL... Not too terrrible, but we hit santa which was RIDICULOUSLY priced may I say... Then to walmart to get the kids to buy each other some things. Ellie *clears throat* (read mom) went over her limit of $10, Michael was right on (but only contributed $1.97 to his from his bank >.>) and Sean was half of his limit and only used what he brought (minus tax which we paid!) Michael had the easiest person in the house to buy for and complained the whole time that she was hard. Ellie had the hardest. Sean b-lined he knew exactly what he wanted to get Michael.... Then I was beat so we grabbed frozen pizzas and ran to return the other ornament we bought Ellie. The kids are wound up like crazy about decorating the Christmas tree and doing countdown calenders O_o;

IS IT BEDTIME YET??? HOLY MOLE-Y!

I'm done complaining now... Back to trying to design our Christmas Cards.

---------- Post added 12-07-2013 at 08:40 PM ----------

Tree is decorated for the most part. Time to sedate the children... I am over all of this nonsense...

We will hopefully get our tree today. xD Sounds like piles of excitement!!

Man, I had the most horrific nightmare. It was one of those realistic ones that you can't immediately tell is a dream. Most of my nightmares I know they're nightmares mid-dream, thus I wake up. Not this one. I was doing dishes and saw the light pop on in my car from the window. So I pulled the curtain and found a young man with shaved blonde hair and excessive red pock marks all over his face stealing things out of my car. So I yelled, and he waved a shotgun at me and ran off.

It ended up being a case where several came back minutes later, broke in, and tried to kill us all. I couldn't remember how to dial 911 (lol). It was nuts!