Hiya! Thanks for checking out my thread. I just wanted to share this song I'm working on, and to see if anyone could offer some advice, especially on one stanza that's giving my an especially hard time.
Here's the song thus far:

Can no longer remember
Why I became this trickster
Was it to steal your heart
Because lies aren't the art
To capture your soul
To captivate your mind
Let our reel unwind
Deceiving you has taken its tole

I am inert, I am numb
But your touch sets my heart pounding like a drum
Give me you beat
Give me your melody
Let me be a tool
Let me show them your beauty

If you are hurt
If you are broken
Come to me first
Come to me open

The final four lines of the second stanza is what's giving me a hard time. I still want them to rhyme, but I'm not sure if I should keep "rhythm" in there or not. For flow's sake, I'll probably have to replace it. I was thinking maybe "lonely" would be a good way to fix it, but it doesn't fit into the rest of the song as well as I'd like.
Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much, and hopefully I can help you in return somehow! :D
-Piptik

what kid of genre of music are you doing?

Ohai, you might want to try poetry section for this... but hey.

That last stanza sounds a little uninspired compared to the rest and needs to be rewritten completely. Try like... oh I dunno, this seems to be punctuated by short words that are repeating, so in a rough and dirty example:

Call me
Call me a doctor
Call me if you're sick
Call me to put you to sleep

Seradinea: Oh, I really have no idea, hahahahaha! I'm terrible with tunes, so I usually have someone else come up with that part for me (terrible, right?). But I was hoping for a more mellow rock melody. Kind of like Band Of Skulls. :) Did you think this sounded like a certain kind of genre?

Projectwolfie: Yeah, that's probably true. I thought that posting lyrics here was a little more popular and I'd get more results, but I guess that isn't the case, hahahahahah :)
Mm, you're completely right. It's sort of flat, thought I really like the rhymes in it. Thanks for pointing that out to me, I wouldn't have noticed otherwise :)
Do you think this would work:
I have seen you get hurt
I've seen you become broken
And I know I did it first
But your heart to me was always open
I think it ties the story in the first stanza back into the song, because it was lost a little in the second stanza.

Whoops, sorry I didn't see the thread pop up.

That, actually sounds really good to me. It does tie in things together very well. :)

Hahaha, nah, it's fine. I almost forgot that this thread even existed. :P

Thank you very much! It's nice that you pointed that stanza out to me, because if you hadn't the entire song would have been completely off-track. That happens a lot in my other songs, hahahaha. XD