This story is for a contest. It has to be between 25 and 75 words and be mostly noise as a describer. Critiscism please? I'm not sure if there is enough noise or not...


Papers rustling. Scratching, whispering pencils. Heads bent together, soft laughter, soft smiles. Whispers, shared closely. Two hearts beat together. Hair swishes on a page, the same page on which she wrote out "I love you."
They met yesterday, in a park with singing sunshine, swishing grass. They met today for a study date. They had heard the spark.
They laughed. Schoolwork forgotten, their hands slide together. Only the birds whistling outside share their joy.

singing sunshine doesn't really work for me. >.< I just never picture sunshine as a singing element. I think whispering wind and whisteling grass would be better.
Overall though it's pretty cute. <3 and it does have a lot of noise description.

Thanks, I'll do that.

I agree, there is a lot of descriptive noises, the imagery is great, it gets the imagination going, and above all this little story is very creative, I write a lot of what you just wrote, but they are mostly about killing and heartbroken, stuff. Rather emo. But if you would like to I could some of these with you.

I also do agree with Melody on the singing sunshine, I think you should've sticked to the swishing grass and the whispering pencils.

I've turned it in. Thanks for all your help!

no i like it.. i think you have dont great.. its different i've never heard anything like it before.. so i give you a two thumbs up XD