Story Help Appreciated!
 

So I was doing the 100 Theme Challenge when I wrote this, and I have to say, I quite like it. I want to rewrite it, make it a bit longer, and enter it into my towns fair next year. (Since the entering date has past for written works now)

I would adore any hints and helpful critiques. ^^ And be as specific as you can, please! :mrgreen:



~ A cold, drizzly day marked the beginning of autumn for a sleepy little town nestled on a small island, supporting numerous residents. It was surrounded by other islands, too numerous to count, although this isle was the only one inhabited. Looking out towards the harbor, waves could be seen breaking upon the beaches with gentle splashing, and boats with their sails furled swaying in the gentle breeze that allowed flocks of birds to gracefully ride the sky's waves above, touching the sky. This island was glowing with daily beauty; most of the year it was sunny, cheery, and warm. There was an abundance of rolling green hills dotted by farm houses and small patches of forests.

Among the brightly colored buildings, was a cold and forbidding castle-esque place. It was three stories tall, made from gray stone, now fading with age, with only one window on the lowest level. It was framed in a dark mahogany wood panel, with sun-bleached streaks running along the grain of the wood, revealing the buildings age just like the stone it was built with. On the glass, little remnants of a long forgotton sign still clung, like the froathy bubbles left on the side of a mug of devoured root-beer float. That window gave passersby a view of an unnaturally clean room. Wooden chairs upholstered with white cotton, white carpet, and fresh white and gray striped wallpaper.

Behind a white marble countertop sat a pretty young girl, nearing twenty-four. Her long brunette curls were tucked up into a ponytail with freshly straightened bangs sweeping over the right side of her face, and back behind her ear. She wore a nurses uniform: a white knee-length dress buttoned top to bottom, with a red stripe on the ends of the short sleeves. She was the only real friendly face, and she sat behind that counter from the moment visitors were allowed in until the moment the last person left.

Although someone peering through the window wouldn't be able to see, a middle-aged gray haired woman sat in the corner on one of the chairs, staring at the wallpaper ahead of her. Her hazel eyes zoned off into the distance, seeing nothing, while her wrinkled hands clutched her bright red purse that was nestled on her lap. She didn't enjoy this part of her visit. Waiting for the "okay" to walk past all of the lonely people inside, what she thought to be, cages, with nothing but a chamber pot and a mattress on the floor. Those were the longest hallways she had ever walked down, and yet, it was something she did every month, on the same day, no matter what.

Finally, a doctor garbed in all white, poked his eagle nose through the door frame. The last straggly remnants of his thin white hair refusing to leave or lay flat against his scalp, paired with his beady black eyes, made for a forboding tower of a man.

"Mrs. Hedgeworth?" He said, breaking her out of her trance, his beady eyes squinting in pain from the dull light that shown through the dusty window. She stood up slowly, as if it hurt her to do this again. It seemed like years had gone by since last she saw him, and yet it was only a month. She followed the lanky doctor down the long corridors, past the poor not-so-innocent souls that shouted rude and obnoxious things. Finally, at the third floor, they came to a stop in front of a bolted metal door. She took a deep breath, then nodded her readiness at the doctor. He then opened the door to reveal a small, skinny man, who looked no older than twelve, although he was thirty-seven. His eyes opened wide as the bright light of the dark day scattered around him.

"A... An... Angel?" He whispered in the voice of a frightened child. Mrs. Hedgeworth smiled compassionately. It was always the same.

"Yes, my child. Angel." She stepped into the white padded room and embraced the man in the white leather straightjacket that used to be her son. ~

with no windows to be seen, except one.

This part really bothers me. If there are no windows to be seen, then there isn't even one. I would use something like: "with almost no windows; only one stood out." or something. :/ Anything but "NO WINDOWS EXCEPT ONE".

That window gave passerby views

Do you mean passersby? People passing by?

Her bright red purse seated on her lap.

I don't really think "seated" is the correct verb to use here. Settled? Sat? Nestled?

Waiting for the ok to walk past

Waiting for the "OK" to walk past
or
Waiting for the "okay" to walk past

not matter what.

I think you mean "no matter what".

Finally, a doctor garbed in all white from head to toe, poked his eagle nose around the doorframe.

Finally, a doctor garbed in all white from head to toe poked his eagle nose around the door frame.

Though, I personally would use: "through the door frame" or "around the corner".

"Mrs. Hedgeworth?" Breaking her out of her trance

I would use: "he said, breaking her out of her"

by since last she saw him...and yet it was only a month.

Incorrect sentence structure.
"by since last she saw him, and yet it was only a month."

"A...An...Angel?"

"A-An-Angel?"
"A... An... Angel?"

Either of those.

Oh, thanks. I didn't even notice those grammatical errors, thanks!

Do you have any ideas on how I could possibly stretch the story out a bit?

I know I've mentioned a few things here that Vestidity has already pointed out and you haven't seemed to edit. Maybe I can present them in a different way? Sorry for the redundancy.

I quite like the first part of this sentence, but I think that 'supporting just over...' makes a bit too long with information I don't need all at once. I suggest making it into its own sentence. Since you want to make the story longer, you might also consider giving us a fuller description of the island. Is it a luscious tropical place? Is it a dying forest on the edge of a desert? From where we stand (as readers of the story) is the white-foamed sea in view?
In adding sensory detail you not only make a story longer, but you can give a really emotional effect to the story!

I would also change '3000' to 'three-thousand'. I would also write out twenty-four for her age, rather than '24'. This is true for all of the numbers in the story, including the 12 and 37.
This is probably just a personal preference of mine rather than anything grammatically correct, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

If you do end up adding in sensory details and whatnot about the island, I'd make "Among the brightly colored buildings..." a new paragraph to show that this is now about a place more specific than the island as a whole.
While you did add in details for the castle (I like it!), you could still throw in sensory details. If you do this, I'd make "Behind a white marble countertop..." it's own paragraph to show that the story has moved to its individual characters rather than the castle as a whole.

I agree with Vestidity here. You could, if you wanted, knock out the 'no windows' part entirely and make it, "...with only a single window on the lowest level." It gives the same feeling of darkness, without the extra words.
I have a question here though: when using the words 'white-washed' I get the picture of clean and bright. While you stated that the castle is, indeed, very clean, if the castle has no windows then how could it be bright? I have the feeling you were trying to convey the point that it was empty and bland, but I wouldn't use 'white-washed' personally. I think it makes things look to bright. It's not necessarily wrong though.

Lots of information about the girl all in one sentence. While I like that its all there, try breaking it up. That way as a reader we can form the picture in our mind a little slower, and a little more fluently, than with all that information at once. I think the nurses uniform description was broken up well, though.

I feel like this is unnecessary. Are we supposed to be watching through the window? Is another character looking through the window? Is the middle-aged woman specifically staying out of view of the window? If so, I'd state one of those things rather than this part of the sentence.

I like that it got changed to nestled! The fragmented sentence here seems odd to me though. What about simply adding, "Her bright red purse was nestled on her lap." or something to that effect? The single word makes the sentence seem more complete to me.

I actually really like this whole sentence. I think it has a great effect, however the I think there is something missing: "...past all of the lonely people inside, what she thought to be, cages...". It seems to flow better for me when I read it aloud. It makes sense without the two extra words, but doesn't flow in quite the same way.

I like this sentence too. The simple description of his 'eagle nose' I think was a very good touch. I noticed Vestidity suggested taking out the comma, but I'm going to suggest the opposite. I say add another!
"Finally, a doctor garbed in all white, from head to toe, poked..."
The only reason I say this is because I feel the 'head to toe' bit is a little redundant. You've already stated he's 'in all white', so I feel that if you want to keep the 'head to toe' bit, you need to set it apart from the rest of the sentence.

Does 'mainly' need to be there? If they are shouting rude and obnoxious things, it gives a sense of discomfort and an awkwardness that works quite well for the situation. By putting 'mainly' in there, it takes away from that effect a little by saying that there might be something not so bad about this place, despite everything else you've told us. I'd just knock it out.

While it's not wrong, I liked Vestidity's suggestion of "A-An-Angel?" better, if only because I'm not a huge fan of ellipses between words (or parts of a word). It's not really wrong in any way, but it's a personal preference I thought I'd toss out there. Totally your call on this one.

I was a little confused here. Is she calling him 'my child' because he actually is or because she's playing up the role of the angel? I only ask because I don't know many people who call their actual, biological children 'my child'. It would make sense to me if she was calling him that because she was playing the part, but I couldn't be certain. Could that be explained a little? (Granted, what I'm asking here might be hard to do without ruining the moment. If it didn't confuse Vestidity or anyone else who happens to read this, I suggest leaving it as is. If someone else mentions it, it might be worth trying to explain.)

I think you meant, "straightjacket" yeah?

I think this story definitely had its moments of beauty, especially for a first or second draft. There are a couple things here and there that could be more detailed and some sentence structure that could be ironed out, but that's true of all pieces. I really liked this one if only for the twist at the end. I can honestly say that was not what I was expecting. Great job!

I hope I could be helpful!

OKIES! Read it now! Tell me what you think! :)


The reason for the space in between syllables is because I was trying to say that even though he is a fully grown man, he is mentally disabled as well as mentally ill, and that speaking anything is of great difficulty.


With this, she called him 'my child' because he really is (like the last sentence says), and I was hoping it would come off as slightly old-school...Like my great-grandmother used to say 'my child' a lot to my grandmother and her siblings, so I thought it would add a touch of sadness but love at the same time. I'm not sure how to explain that in the story, though. xD


And yes, you were both very helpful! I really do appreciate the help. And yes, I did mean straightjacket...I just get so excited about writing sometimes that my fingers seem to ignore my brain xD

When people start taking my advice I get nit-picky. What have you unleashed upon yourself! :o

I think this whole paragraph sounds much better. I like the description you put into it! Now my only issues are that with the three-thousand residents and one hundred twenty-seven other islands, I wonder if the exact numbers are important. Typically, I don't see exact numbers written out until it's a key point of the plot, or if the narrator is first person and is a stickler for such things. (Like H.P. Lovecraft, he'll write first-person stories from the view point of scientists and such, and therefore puts in exact numbers that most people just glide over anyway.)
Since you have a third person narrator, I'd strike the numbers out all together here instead putting in "thousands of residents" or something to that effect and "islands too numerous to count" ect.

This is the only place where you mention 'you' as the reader. That makes it kind of jarring. I suggest knocking out the 'you's all together. Changing the sentence to something along the lines of, "From the highest of hills, the water could be seen breaking onto the beach..." or however you want to phrase it.

I love this. It gives the exact impression you were going for from the beginning. I only point it out because I think it's wonderful.

I think there is a misplaced 's' here. "That window gave passerbys a view of an oddly clean room."
I also think that 'oddly' could be replaced. I understand what you're going for, but it doesn't give the same uncomfortable feeling that the rest does. It sounds too... mundane, I guess. "an unnaturally clean room"? Painfully? Desperately? Alarmingly? Just suggestions.

In the paragraph with the descriptions of the young woman I still feel that the descriptions of her age and hair shouldn't be in the same sentence.
And, reading it again when I know what's coming, I don't entirely understand this woman's presence. I know she is the receptionist, but why describe her so fully when she doesn't even interact with the older woman? Even a passing glance connecting the two would help make the young woman a living part of the story. Unless, of course, you edit a bit and throw something in about how the young woman is really more like stationary furniture in this place rather than a living being.
Your call.

So much better! It gives him such a more menacing feel!

I'd always been taught that when someone speaks, you drop and indent. Obviously the board doesn't allow indents so I can't fault you for that, but is there any reason that "Mrs. Hedgeworth?" isn't dropped into a new paragraph and yet "A... An... Angel?" and "Yes, my child." are?
---
As for the his mental disabilities:
Ah! The man's illness does account for the ellipses! I agree with your using them then. If you want to convey his slight retardation then, you might describe his voice as well as using the ellipses. Does he speak slowly? With a kind of guttural tone? From my own experience with the mentally retarded, I've noticed that they seem to have deeper voices and a kind of guttural sound to them. I couldn't say why, it's just what I've noticed. They almost tend to sound a bit like a deaf person when a deaf person speaks.
Regardless of how you choose to do it, describing his voice might help get that across.

As for "my child":
See that makes sense to me now! I'm not sure you can describe that in the story and still have it flow properly. It really could have just been me. My great-grandmother never said it; clearly I missed out!

Hehe, I always love the help, especially when it's as specific and constructive as yours! :)

Read it now, I fixed things ^^

And now look, you've got me going for spell-checking! I'm running out of things here! :o
In all seriousness though, I'm glad I can help. =]

'Someone' isn't my favorite, but it does fix the problem of 'you'. But oh! I see a 'you' there between 'high' and 'could'. Could you try to make the sentence so that it takes out the human element all together? I know it's not the easiest thing in the world, ugh trust do I ever know, but it can make a description a place so much more like a painting than a tour-guide. So, like I said, 'someone' isn't wrong, it's just not my favorite.

'abunance' should be 'abundance'.

I kept meaning to point this out, I don't know why I never did. While I know what you mean by 'of a place', could that simply be altered to "castle-like" or "castle-esque"? So it would read more along the lines of, "...and forbidding caste-like building" or "...and forbidding castle-esque place".

After reading through this a couple times now, I'm not sure this window is getting enough attention. You mention it enough to make it important, but it never seems to serve any real purpose other than the symbolism of 'last escape' and 'darkness'. Sometimes you can get away with something there for the simple sake of symbolism, but because of its oddity, I feel like it should serve some purpose. Does Mrs. Hedgeworth look through it often? Does it remind her of something?

The 's' is still misplaced. Unless you meant it to be like that. If you did, would you explain to me why?

'upolstered' should be 'upholstered'.

Perfect! That was exactly what I was looking for!
Also, 'peron' should be 'person'.

'matress' should be 'mattress'.

Out of curiosity, why does the doctor also take a deep breath? He's with this man-boy every day isn't he? Why does he appear to fear the child? Especially after the wonderful description of his beady eyes and eagle nose (which I took not only to mean hooked, but to be predatory. Like this was his domain.) I pictured him to be a wee bit more assured of himself. It's something you don't really need to explain or expand on since he doesn't seem to be a remarkably important character, but it might be something to think about.

That single sentence makes his hesitance much more meaningful! I don't really get mental disability out of it as much as I get mental illness, but to be honest in this particular case it's probably not that important. I'm not sure what you could do to get 'mental disability' to the reader, since we're already biased on the side of 'illness'. So I think this works wonderfully.

It also still says 'straightjacked' instead of 'straightjacket'. Are you going to deal with spelling later?

Gah, I knew I spelled some things wrong! Its hard to check for spelling when it's your own work...your eyes just glance right over anything that's wrong xD


What other word would you suggest?

Oh I know! I have a problem with leaving words out even worse than spelling. It's kind of like I assume that since I understand what I'm writing, everyone else should too!
Ah, if only the world worked like that.

Well, to be honest, I'd suggest rewording the entire sentence. I love the scene it produces, but by having 'someone', 'one', or 'you', it adds a human element to an otherwise beautiful environmental scene.

What I mean is something like this:
"From the highest of these rolling hills, water could be seen breaking onto the beaches."

While there is an action ('could be seen'), there is no 'someone', 'one', or 'you'. Heck, 'seen' could refer to some cute woodland creature for all we know.
By cutting out the human element it gives the reader a more omniscient view of the island, rather than seeing it through the eyes of some nameless 'you' or 'someone'.

I hope that makes sense. =]

Oh that does make sense now. I can fix that ^^


EDIT: DONE! Ok, now tell me what you think of that sentance. *expectant stare*

Yay! I'm always amazed to know that I make sense.

sooo did you read it???

D'oh! My apologies! I wasn't aware you had already edited!

I know I've said this before, but I appear to be running out of things to say! I'm still not sure how vital the 'three thousand' part is to the story. I really like how you changed the islands to 'too numerous', and I think you should do something similar here.

Here's another thing I'm not certain is vital. It's an interesting little tidbit, but seems a little out of place. I suppose you could change it to something along the lines of, "though this isle alone was inhabited." Thereby making it more about the island the reader is currently on instead of all of the other ones, but still getting your point across.
Although you could knock the whole bit out if you wanted. I don't think it would change the story any.

This is exactly what I was talking about! I love it!

There should be an apostrophe here. "...ride the sky's waves above..."
Just a tiny oops.

I really like this sentence, and I'm glad you added something more in about the window. However, it wasn't really what I meant. Like you did with the nurse, I think you need to have this window 'interact' with the story more. Does Mrs. Hedgeworth stare out this lone window? Does the nurse? Does doctor want it shut? Does the nurse just go ahead and shut it? Play with what one can do with a window and what it can mean to do so!

I like this much better.

'person' is still spelled wrong. One day we will catch all of them!

There is nothing actually wrong with the sentence, but it seems... off to me. I feel like this time issue should be elaborated on. Perhaps you could end the first bit at, 'since she last saw him.' and in a separate sentence put that it had only been a month. I think by breaking up the two sentences you not only tell the reader that it felt long, you show them it was. Rather than having all this time pushed into one sentence.

Ok, how's this:

Among the brightly colored buildings, was a cold and forbidding castle-esque place. It was three stories tall, made from gray stone, now fading with age, with only one window on the lowest level. It was framed in a dark mahogany wood panel, with sun-bleached streaks running along the grain of the wood, revealing the buildings age just like the stone it was built with. On the glass, little remnants of a long forgotton sign still clung, like the froathy bubbles left on the side of a mug of devoured root-beer float. That window gave passersby a view of an unnaturally clean room. Wooden chairs upholstered with white cotton, white carpet, and fresh white and gray striped wallpaper.

I love the extra detail, but still not quite what I meant. I think the window should interact with the characters. Mrs. Hedgeworth needs to look through, glance at it. Or perhaps we could be introduced to the receptionist as she takes down the sign you mentioned. Or the doctor's eyes could strain from the light it lets through.

Don't get me wrong, I love detailed descriptions. But describing the window itself here doesn't seem to be making it a living part of the story.

Take what you did with the nurse for example. By telling the reader that the receptionist was there until the last person left, being Mrs. Hedgeworth, you connect the two people together, albeit loosely.

I think the window needs to be connected to at least one of the characters in some manner. That way, it feels more tied together instead of being just the lone window.

Hmm...I'll have to figure out a way to tie it in more without taking the flow away.

Totaly off topic...what is the "Dance" thing next to your donate button?

The same thing as your 'song', but for a different goddess. =]

When I first asked, I didn't know what it was at all. But then I got the bright idea to go and check the announcement board XD Do you know what the event will be? Like will there be new items and stuff? I've only participated in the 09 V-Day event...

I'm not sure, I only joined two or three days ago, actually. Haha. If you'd like to keep talking (I would!) then would be so kind as to PM me? I don't want to get too off topic. =]

This is true!

I'll see what I can come up with, in regards to the window...and I'll pm you when I write it ^^


EDIT: Done! Go see. xD

I really do like it. Your words speak in a very different way.

Well thank you very much, Book. ^^ That's very nice to hear

I like this a lot better. My only suggestion now is to find a synonym for ‘numerous’. You use it in the next sentence too and it makes it sound like you use the word a bit much.

‘forgotton’ should be ‘forgotten’ and ‘froathy’ should be ‘frothy’.

‘forboding’ should be ‘foreboding’.


My suggestion for this from my last post still stands, I think. Basically, it was that the two thoughts of time may be better served in separate sentences.

The whole piece is much, much better. You’re really quite good at describing the look of scene.
I like that the window interacts with the characters now. I think that helps to tie everything together.

My question about the window now is not a critique so much as it is an honest question:
Why is there only one window? Why did you feel the need to have only one rather than the average amount or none at all?

Have you seen pictures of really old dungeons or insane asylums? There are rarely buildings built with that intention that have windows. It's to help insane people be a bit more...sane. They don't know what time it is, if it's day or night...etc. By not having windows, their environment is more controled and there isn't the temptation to escape. xD