Menewsha Avatar Community - Should I continue This?

Well Hello, Let me give you some back ground information, I started this story in creative writing class, yet when the term was over, I was at a loss to do, the story is currently over 18 pages long... so I'll just post the first page.. Should I continue? If so Would you like to read the rest? What should I fix?

[Warning Its very detailed: One of the Author Requirements In class, So if your explanation is that it is too detailed that can be easily modified.]
Thanks and I would love to hear back from everyone!

Story Title; Kiss Me Wicked.
Theme: Medievil, Vampirism, Modern, Drama, Angst.

Chapter One:
Fog washed over the dew-drenched field as vibrant moonlit rays illuminated every rift and path way of the forbidden valley. Cream colored sapphire speckled butterflies danced whimsically in the wind’s tantalizing caress, drunk on the enchanted mist blown across the breeze. They innocently enticed any that chanced upon their astonishing display; fluttering back and forth, they swirled passionately together entwined in an ancient intimate dance. These creatures of mystic allure encouraged witnesses to join in; to revel and bask in the glorious embrace of their moonlit marvels. Yet the silent observer nestled between the radiant lunar flowers was content to merely watch. She was dressed elegantly in a sapphire blue gown, which hugged her slender yet voluptuous young body like a glove. It was extravagantly embroidered with emerald pearl shaped rubies and silver shimmering liner; it flaunted her noble upbringing and aristocratic poise.

Hair the color of midnight swayed against the wind taunting it, as if to say it was free of its capture-its playful caress. Eyes the color of cobalt blue scanned the forbidden valley, taking in its rolling hills and enchanted forests. Pale porcelain hands once cold from the dew, warmed as the sun reached higher into the slate blue sky above. Suddenly like an unwanted guest, pain bloomed in the deepest recesses of the girl’s thundering heart. Tears sprang forth-clouding her vision and plump full lips tensed into a frown. Even surrounded by the calming beauty of this secluded place- she could not elude the pain.

Displaying a regal sense of grace; highly uncommon in one so young, the girl arose from her spot amongst the oddly colored green lilies and lightly perfumed roses, that only bloomed under the glow of lunar rays. Glancing one last time at the forbidden valley- she imprinted the serene display into her memories. She knew it would be many more months before she could visit it again and she could not bare the thought of parting. The wind caressed her cheek, swirling about her midnight colored locks, whispering sweet reminders in her ears. It brought her back from the uncomfortable pain which had ruined her fleeting time amongst the mystical surroundings. It had reminded her of the reason this valley was called forbidden. Seemingly harmless this valley masked it’s over whelming danger behind a very charming facade.

Even in such picturesque surroundings phantoms and gruesome creatures haunt the darkened pathways, hidden along the horizon they are shrouded between the denial of their existence and the curiosity of humanity. She knew for those who dared the ghastly trek through the Ritarhuna mountain range- or dwelled within its boundaries for to long, encountered these dangerous fiends. Hiding behind faces of immeasurable beauty and allure-these fiends enchant the desires and inflame the darkened passions harbored within. Old tales of foolish travelers caught between their icy porcelain colored hands couldn’t help but become charmed by inhuman eyes and tempting expressions. They became trapped within passions spell, unable to resist, unable to fight. Those who bare such misfortune to come across one of these fiends would pay the horrid price-in the only currency they demanded-Blood.

The pain had lasted longer then normal and had started to become unbearable. The young girl clutched her bosom, hoping and praying it would soon subside. Unable to wait any longer, she gave out a quivering sigh and on unsteady legs she started toward the barren path. Starlight waned as dawn broke over the horizon, smothering the once moonlit valley with an overpowering golden glow and soothing warmth. As life bloomed ten fold, the girl disappeared into the shadowed path back to town.

“Rosette!! Roseeette!! You bloody child, where are you?? Oh my poor nerves they won’t stand for this!! How could she do this to an old woman like me? Blasted” A robust middle aged woman groaned.

She looked as if she normally held a cheerful countenance, thin but prominent lines graced her face giving it a certain motherly charm. Even though she seemed quite irritated at the moment, she naturally radiated an aura of kindness. Long scarlet colored hair swirled elegantly about flustered plump cheeks, her thin lips strained into a scowl, as she dashed about the crowed market place. Passersby’s gave looks of astonishment as they harmlessly eavesdropped into her rants..

Dingy unkempt stands and weather worn stores make up the majority of the Nightingale bazaar. Narrowly avoiding an accident with a rushed carriage driver, the woman zigzagged frantically never taking into consideration where she was at. She called out into every back alleyway and store front. Merchants swindled eager would-be customers through cunning words and hard bargains-feverishly trying to sell everything they had. More then once a shady store owner would try to persuade the determined woman from her task, but every time she turned them down with a pleasant “No thank you”, or “Maybe next time.”

Nearing the end of the busy street the woman caught sight of severely broken down cabin. White paint once a vibrant hue had dulled and taken on grayish color. Paint cracked and flaked off in many places, the bare moist oak planks were covered in a slight green mold. Rusty colored mud speckled the lower sides of the walls and had become hard under the sun’s golden light, giving it an overall tarnished look. A tightly strapped maroon fleece covering shaded a man resting against the cabin’s windowsill from the midmorning rays.

Even though the cabin presented a less then wholesome appearance, a smile adorned the woman’s face as she picked up her pace. Almost to a jog as the woman neared the cabin, she called out to the gentleman.

“Oh Nicolas-Nicolas!! Good day!!” Slightly startled by the greeting the man looked around the market place. Still groggy and a little disorientated, it took him a while to catch sight of the energetic woman.

“Nicolas, I’m right here!! This way-near the street! It’s Catherine!” Once Nicolas heard the name a smirk appeared upon his face. He couldn’t help it when a slight chuckle escaped his lips as he noticed her flustered face and childish wave.

“Oh my, oh my, what is this? It’s the lovely Madam Catherine! What brings you down this way? ... And at such an early hour too.” Nicolas gave a slight nod in Catherine’s direction, while she tried to catch her breath.

Finally at the front of the cabin, Madam Catherine could clearly make out the brightly inscribed “Nicolas’s Mystical Herb Tonics”- It was the only thing that looked new in or out of the entire store. Placing her gaze back toward Nicolas, Madam Catherine blew out a tired sigh. Unknown to her, a mischievously smiling young woman was walking toward the cabin, causing Nicolas’s gaze to wander in her direction. Slightly startled when Catherine began to speak, he couldn’t hold back the smile threatening to appear.
“I’m looking for Rosette. Have you seen her? She went out this morning and hasn’t returned. I’m quite worried...”

Chuckling at her statement, Nicolas winked to the new guest hiding behind Madam Catherine and replied, “You know where she is… This goes on every couple of months… I think you have just come here to see me! I would have never guessed Madam, that you harbor such a sweet devotion to me.”
Wiggling his eye brows suggestively Nicolas couldn’t help but laugh at Madam Catherine’s growing blush and surprised expression. Unable to think fast enough Catherine could only gasp at his bold statement and when his laugh intensified she managed to stutter out a weak reply.

“Why you… you… Why you pervert! I would never… How dare yo-“
“Oh my Catherine, there you are! What is this, a confession of secret love for Nicolas? Why I never would have guessed. ” a light enchanting voice interjected.

Jumping slightly at the interruption, a blushing Madam Catherine swirled around to see the object of her search trying to contain- and failing miserably, a laugh. Remembering her long search and the embarrassment she continued to endure, Catherine’s eye began to twitch.

“ROSETTE!! Where have you BEEN? And and… You know... It’s not like that!!! I’ve been looking all over for you, working up my nerves and you have the gall to laugh at me?” Still suffering from her ache Rosette tried to hide her discomfort with a forced smile, all the while giving Catherine a coy glance.

“There is no point in hiding it from you, because you’ll eventually find out; I’ve been to the valley. Oh and don’t worry Catherine, the jokes are all in good sport.” Narrowing her emerald colored eyes Catherine began to.

“Now now, don’t become upset Madam Catherine. Rosette is finally back, safe and sound. You have found what you are looking for, or should I say she found you. But none the less you’re together once more.” Nicolas chimed in, trying to stop an excruciatingly long lecture, which was sure to come if Madam Catherine was left to simmer in her anger.

Giving Nicolas a wink Rosette mouthed a silent thank you and took in his features. His skin looked smooth and creamy, yet tanned from the countless exposures under the sun’s golden glow. Several years of collecting herbs in the open fields had given him a muscular build, not overly bulky, he was more toned then anything else. Even though he was nearing mid-thirties, the years had been kind to him-he still had the face of a twenty year old; clear of blemishes and untouched by wrinkles. A prominent jaw and a refined up-turned nose were accompanied by dashing hazel eyes surrounded by thick lashes. His hair was like hers; midnight colored yet took on a silky, healthy hue. The most attractive feature that he seemed to posses was his brilliant white smile surrounded by full lips. Yet there was something off about him, an underlying feeling he gave off that made her naturally shy away. Something odd was hidden behind his hazel eyes, something that screamed wild to her senses.
She had never really looked at him before, and she was shocked to find him incredibly handsome, but before she could dwell any longer on Nicolas, Madam Catherine broke her string of thoughts when she muttered a hasty goodbye.

“Well we must be going; it was nice talking to you Nicolas. Good Day.” She gave Nicolas one last glance before turning swiftly and grasping Rosette’s arm. She started to lead them both toward the crowded streets.
“Bye Nicolas. “ Was all Rosette could manage to say as Madam Catherine pulled her along.

The noise of the market place seemed to intensify, blocking out Nicolas’s reply. It left Rosette in a daze. The uncomfortable pain had seemed to wane; it was still there hiding beneath her pulse-only now it was bearable. She had gone into a sort of stupor as Catherine guided her through the busy streets. Colors became vibrant and captivating- sights and sounds became blurred and muffled causing a disorientated view of the market, yet her sense of self increased.

The pounding of her heart rang out to her like a sweet lullaby; it blocked out Catherine’s mundane small talk and soon replaced every other conversation or sound. It seemed to be evolving into something surreal, instead of sharp pain and discomfort; it became an ache she couldn’t quite place. A desire she had never had before and it frightened her.

They neared an alleyway shaded from the sun by tall wood paneled buildings. The trapped moisture of the morning dew and countless years in harsh weather had darkened the panels into a deep chestnut color. On the ground broken pottery of redden clay made it treacherous to walk, for the tiny razor sharp pieces could get lodged in a foot or in some cases pierce all the way through a sandal’s sole. As they passed the back of a tavern she could clearly make out the heart beat of a small field mouse in the room closest to the alley; it captured her attention and caused her eyes to dilate. The ache was becoming intense, and she couldn’t stand the way it made her feel. It became so unusual that she had to squirm out of Catherine’s grip.

“Rosette dear, what is it? Ro-Rosette what’s going on?” Powerless to stop her frantic thoughts, Madam Catherine began to shake Rosette, trying to wake the dazed girl from whatever had taken over.....

to be continued..

I love details! Let’s get to reading!
What class was this for, if I may ask? I really love the concept of the assignment (what you posted of it, anyway). I really want your teacher! Haha!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

…vibrant moonlit rays illuminated every rift and path way of the forbidden valley.

‘path ways’ is usually one word: ‘pathways’

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

…embrace of their moonlit marvels.

Since you’re going for lots of detail, I suggest changing this ‘moonlit’ to something else. Only because you used it in the first sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Hair the color of midnight swayed against the wind taunting it, as if to say it was free of its capture-its playful caress.

This sentence confused me. I got the general idea of it, but the grammar seemed off enough to make it convoluted. Perhaps add a comma after ‘wind’? And the ‘free of its capture-its playful caress’ didn’t seem to flow as well as it could. ‘Capture’ and ‘playful caress’ don’t seem similar enough to relate to the same thing at the same time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Pale porcelain hands once cold from the dew, warmed as the sun reached higher into the slate blue sky above.

I’d add in a comma after ‘hands’. “Pale porcelain hands, once cold from the dew, warmed…’ it sets the thought apart a little more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Suddenly like an unwanted guest, pain bloomed in the deepest recesses of the girl’s thundering heart.

I’d add a comma after ‘suddenly’ to set apart the thoughts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Tears sprang forth-clouding her vision and plump full lips tensed into a frown.

I’d change the hyphen to a comma or semi-colon. If you want to keep the hyphen, you need to put a space between it and the words. Without the space, it’s like you’re trying to connect the two words, which I don’t think was your intent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Even surrounded by the calming beauty of this secluded place- she could not elude the pain.

I think the hyphen could be dropped altogether. I don’t think you even need a comma there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Displaying a regal sense of grace; highly uncommon in one so young, the girl arose from her spot amongst the oddly colored green lilies and lightly perfumed roses, that only bloomed under the glow of lunar rays.

While ‘arose’ and ‘rose’ mean the same thing, I think ‘rose’ would suit the situation better. This sentence is also something of a run-on. It starts out being about her standing up and moves on to being about the flowers. I’d split the two thoughts up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Glancing one last time at the forbidden valley- she imprinted the serene display into her memories.

I’d change the hyphen to a semi-colon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

The wind caressed her cheek, swirling about her midnight colored locks, whispering sweet reminders in her ears.

I like the ‘sweet reminders’ bit. I like having a sound to add to the visual picture. My suggestion here isn’t an edit so much as an opinion. You use the word ‘swirling’ a lot. I suggest changing some of them to a synonym.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Seemingly harmless this valley masked it’s over whelming danger behind a very charming facade.

‘Seemingly harmless’ either needs a comma to separate it, or needs to be put elsewhere in the sentence. ‘Over whelming’ could also be a hyphenated word: over-whelming.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Even in such picturesque surroundings phantoms and gruesome creatures haunt the darkened pathways, hidden along the horizon they are shrouded between the denial of their existence and the curiosity of humanity.

This sentence feels like it goes on more than it needs to. I suggest breaking it up after ‘haunt the darkened pathways’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

She knew for those who dared the ghastly trek through the Ritarhuna mountain range- or dwelled within its boundaries for to long, encountered these dangerous fiends.

I can see that you tried to set apart the thoughts here, but you need to pick punctuation and stick with it. Either put a hyphen after ‘long’ where the comma is, or put a comma before ‘or’ where the hyphen is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Hiding behind faces of immeasurable beauty and allure-these fiends enchant the desires and inflame the darkened passions harbored within.

I suggest a comma in place of the hyphen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Those who bare such misfortune to come across one of these fiends would pay the horrid price-in the only currency they demanded-Blood.

I like that you set apart the though with two hyphens, but you should add a space after ‘price’ and one before ‘blood’. And, the way the sentence is written now, ‘Blood’ doesn’t need to be capitalized. However, if you change the sentence so that it ends after ‘demanded’, ‘Blood’ can be its own sentence and keep the punch that comes with capitalization.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“Rosette!! Roseeette!! You bloody child, where are you?? Oh my poor nerves they won’t stand for this!! How could she do this to an old woman like me? Blasted”

I’m not a huge fan of multiple exclamation points or question marks. A single one will give the same effect and seem a bit more like a regular book. ‘Blasted’ also doesn’t have any punctuation. Why not move one of those exclamation points over there? =]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Passersby’s gave looks of astonishment as they harmlessly eavesdropped into her rants..

I don’t understand why they are astonished. Surprised by the outburst I could understand, but I’ve heard people ranting like that to themselves enough that I’m not really astonished by it anymore. Are such rants in public uncommon in her world?
(Also, there is an extra period at the end of the sentence. Just a little mistake. =] )

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Dingy unkempt stands and weather worn stores make up the majority of the Nightingale bazaar.

You tend to dance along the edge of past or present tense. It would be more fluent to read if you picked one and stuck with it all the way through.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Narrowly avoiding an accident with a rushed carriage driver, the woman zigzagged frantically never taking into consideration where she was at.

There should be a comma after ‘frantically’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

She called out into every back alleyway and store front.

Having ‘out’ and ‘into’ right next to each other seems like they negate each other. You could drop ‘out’ completely, but if you don’t want you, you may consider finding another word.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Merchants swindled eager would-be customers through cunning words and hard bargains-feverishly trying to sell everything they had.

I’d change the hyphen to a comma.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

White paint once a vibrant hue had dulled and taken on grayish color.

I’d set ‘once a vibrant hue’ apart from the sentence with commas. (Or hyphens if you wish.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Rusty colored mud speckled the lower sides of the walls and had become hard under the sun’s golden light, giving it an overall tarnished look.

I feel like I’ve heard ‘golden light’ (or ‘golden rays’) quite a bit. Could you throw in some synonyms in its place once and a while?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“Oh Nicolas-Nicolas!! Good day!!” Slightly startled by the greeting the man looked around the market place.

Pointing out the extra exclamation points again.
Since it’s not the man who’s talking, I suggest putting the ‘slightly startled’ on its own line. That way no one mistakes the voice talking for Nicolas’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“Nicolas, I’m right here!! This way-near the street! It’s Catherine!” Once Nicolas heard the name a smirk appeared upon his face.

My comments here are the exact same that I wrote for the above.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“Oh my, oh my, what is this? It’s the lovely Madam Catherine! What brings you down this way? ... And at such an early hour too.”

I don’t understand the point of the ellipses here. I suspect he’s pausing, but why?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Finally at the front of the cabin, Madam Catherine could clearly make out the brightly inscribed “Nicolas’s Mystical Herb Tonics”- It was the only thing that looked new in or out of the entire store.

I think you could drop the hyphen altogether and just make ‘It was…’ its own sentence.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“Oh my Catherine, there you are! What is this, a confession of secret love for Nicolas? Why I never would have guessed. ” a light enchanting voice interjected.

‘a’ should be capitalized.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Jumping slightly at the interruption, a blushing Madam Catherine swirled around to see the object of her search trying to contain- and failing miserably, a laugh.

Another well set apart thought that you need to keep a consistent punctuation on. Comma or hyphen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

“ROSETTE!! Where have you BEEN? And and… You know... It’s not like that!!! I’ve been looking all over for you, working up my nerves and you have the gall to laugh at me?”

Just pointing out the extra punctuation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Narrowing her emerald colored eyes Catherine began to.

I think you missed something in this sentence. I don’t understand it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

…he was more toned then anything else.

Something about this part of the sentence is unlike the style you’ve been writing everything else in. I think it could be dropped. Re-worded if you like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Even though he was nearing mid-thirties, the years had been kind to him-he still had the face of a twenty year old; clear of blemishes and untouched by wrinkles.

I think the hyphen could be replaced by a semi-colon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

His hair was like hers; midnight colored yet took on a silky, healthy hue.

‘Midnight’ is another word you seem to use quite a bit. Raven as a synonym maybe?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Yet there was something off about him, an underlying feeling he gave off that made her naturally shy away.

I like the idea, but I think the word ‘off’ could be replaced to ‘strange’ or ‘odd’.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

The uncomfortable pain had seemed to wane; it was still there hiding beneath her pulse-only now it was bearable.

I think the ‘only now it was bearable’ could be dropped. It seems a bit redundant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Colors became vibrant and captivating- sights and sounds became blurred and muffled causing a disorientated view of the market, yet her sense of self increased.

I love the feeling this evokes, but I don’t entirely understand what ‘her sense of self’ is. It can mean quite a few things depending on whose writing it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

On the ground broken pottery of redden clay made it treacherous to walk, for the tiny razor sharp pieces could get lodged in a foot or in some cases pierce all the way through a sandal’s sole.

Did you mean ‘lodged in a shoe’? I figure if it’s in a foot it already made it through the sandal, yeah?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurelee

Powerless to stop her frantic thoughts, Madam Catherine began to shake Rosette, trying to wake the dazed girl from whatever had taken over.....

I’m confused as to who ‘her’ is referring to in the first part of the sentence.
I also believe that the ellipses at the bottom only needs three dots.

---
Overall, I like the detail. I don’t think it’s too much, rather I think it’s just too smooshed together. The more you spread details out, the easier they are too read and the longer it will take someone to think “geeze there’s a lot of detail.’

I liked how you really made us see and feel the areas Rosette was in. You might also try editing some of the detail to change some of these sights to smells or sounds. Just to shake things up a bit.

You use hyphens quite a bit, which I mentioned as edits above. While using hyphens isn’t wrong, per say, it is often used more to set apart a piece of a sentence rather than in the place of a semi-colon or comma.

When you do go through to edit, remember to either use hyphens or commas to set things apart all the way through. By choosing only one it makes it all uniform and easier to read.

A good beginning.

Good luck with it all! I hope you keep up the detail here throughout the story.