Please be harsh. I know this is not my best work.





My eyes quickly jerked open as the lightning flashed outside my second story window. I looked around almost forgetting I had moved out to my grandparent’s house after the school year was over. Mom was having problems with bills again so I just thought it would be easier if she didn’t have to pay for my food. I turned my head slowly to look at the glowing red clock on the table to my right. 3 A.M. It never failed that rain woke me up. And it was always in the middle of the night.

My puppy, Eeore, at my feet shuttered against the thunder. Rain pounded hard on my windows. With another loud crash of thunder, I could hear my baby cousin wake up in the next room over. He was staying with us while his parents were off on business for two weeks. His last ear piercing scream got me slowly out of my nice warm bed on to the cold hard oak would floor. I grabbed a sweat shirt off the hook on the door and hurried across the hall before he woke my grandparents up.

“Aw Maxi, what’s the matter?” I picked him up and bounced him lightly humming softly to him as I slowly walked over to the CD player to turn on his favorite lullabies. “Hush now Hun, its ok.” Another crash that I knew woke my grandma up. The 10 month old child in my arms screamed again.

“Gracie baby, go back to bed, I can take care of him. He’s going to be just like you; up with the storm.” Gran walked into the room taking the yelling child from me.”

“I know. That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want him to be cursed with the same thing I am. Hopefully I get out of this stormy state soon so I can sleep.” I petted his black hair then walked down the dark stairs to the kitchen to make him a bottle. Knowing the house my whole life, I was able to find everything I needed without turning on the lights. His bottles were on the third shelf next to the china plates. Formula in the cabinet next to the hidden stair case up to the attic. I could hear his panicked wines calming over the wind and rain.

“You get faster and faster at that every time you make it, baby doll.” My gran said as I handed her the bottle. I smiled and walked out of the room back across the hall. My warm bed welcomed me as I settled back in. I turned on my overhead lamp and pulled out my pink Dell laptop from my oak bed-side table. Eeore already lying in her bed under my table.

As soon as I opened my computer my music started play louder than I wanted it to so I quickly turned it down. “Good Time” by Allen Jackson started up soon after I opened my MSN. Almost no one from this country was on except my cousin who lived in Main. To him it was almost 6:30.

MusicManStephan says: Wats up baby cuz???

GracieBaby says: Im only 2 years younger than you!!!

MusicManStephan says: Who ever… Haha… Aint it 3:30 there???

GracieBaby says: Yas… Its storming….

MusicManStephan says: Gotcha….. You still gots that sleeping thing don’t ya???

GracieBaby says: Yup yup… Did I tell ya I moved to my Grans???

MusicManStephan says: No… when the hell did this happen???

GracieBaby says: Like 2 weeks ago… Mom was havin money probs again…

MusicManStephan says: Oh that sucks major… yea I moved in with my gf…. We think its time

GracieBaby says: Awwww so sweet…. I dyed my hair last night… I don’t think gran likes it much haha… its purple…

MusicManStephan says: omg baby gracie why???

GracieBaby says: haha cuz I like it… but hey I gots to go… I need to get my job apps done and clean up my room a bit haha

MusicManStephan says: ok hun love ya much good luck

GracieBaby says: haha love ya too… good luck with your gf… cant wait to see ya’ll again…

I shut down my computer with a smile. I always felt better after talking to my cousin. He was always so good to me. I ran my fingers through my freshly dyed hair. My hands were still purple from the hair dye I used. My clock read close to 4:30. I couldn’t believe I had been on the computer that long. My head started to hurt as another bright flash went off outside my window. The thunder was loud enough to shake the house, yet Maxy didn’t wake up, thank god.

My job applicaltions took me a little over an hour. I wasn’t even tired so I pulled out my favorite book and started to read. I had it finished by morning. The storm never let up all day. I didn’t think it would for the next few days. No sleep for a long time. Good luck to me, right?

Hello again! I hope you don't mind that I'm back. =]

Originally Posted by bookbreath

My eyes quickly jerked open...

'jerked' seems like a harsh word for eyelids. It sounds to me almost like they were forcibly wrenched open. That... that sounds really painful. While it's not wrong in any way, I'm merely suggesting perhaps a change of words? 'Fluttered' 'Shot' ect.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Mom was having problems with bills again so I just thought it would be easier if she didn’t have to pay for my food.

What a wonderful daughter. =]
I think there should be a comma in the sentence. "...having problems with bills again, so I just..."

Originally Posted by bookbreath

I looked around almost forgetting I had moved out to my grandparent’s house after the school year was over.

I understand that she's startled, but I don't really feel it. Perhaps a sentence between this and the first that adds in something about a reaction to stress/being startled? A beating heart. Quick breath. I liked the "quickly jerked open" effect, but I think there could be more of it.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

“Hush now Hun, its ok.”

'ok' should probably be 'O.K.' or 'okay'. While 'ok' is not actually wrong anymore (it's been in so much usage in the English language that it's just been accepted), 'okay' always seems to look better in print to me.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Another crash that I knew woke my grandma up.

How does she know? Could it be changed to "...that I knew must've woken my grandma up."? Or "Another crash..." and maybe she hears something that then tells her that her grandmother has woken up.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

The 10 month old child in my arms screamed

A period belong at the end of the sentence, yeah? Just a little thing.
10-month-old (or ten-month-old as I prefer), usually has hyphens in it.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

...taking the yelling child from me.”

I don't think you meant to put that quotation mark at the end there.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

...petted his black hair then walked down the dark stairs to the kitchen to make him a bottle.

I'd put a comma: "...his black hair, then walked..."

Originally Posted by bookbreath

...panicked wines calming over the wind and rain.

I believe you meant 'whines' rather than 'wines'. And I'm really not sure if you mean to put 'calming' there. I don't know what it could have been, and I don't know what you mean by it. Could you explain that to me? Or put in another word?

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Eeore already lying in her bed under my table.

I think "Eeore was already lying..." would flow a little better.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

As soon as I opened my computer my music started play louder than I wanted it to so I quickly turned it down.

I'd put a comma after 'to': "...louder than I wanted it to, so I..."

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Almost no one from this country was on except...

I think "from my buddy list" or something to that effect would be better than "this country". It makes it sound like she either knows everyone in the country, or otherwise really doesn't want to talk to anyone out of the country.

I didn't touch the Conversation because I figured it was meant to have errors. Hope I was right in doing so. =]

While it was interesting that she doesn't sleep during a storm, this piece didn't seem to have the kind of impact or distinct plot-point that Foster Fail had. I realize you said it wasn't your best piece, but to me it felt a little like it was 'a day (or night) in the life' or a piece to a larger story, rather than something on its own. It leaves me curious as to why she can't sleep during the storm and whether she called it a 'curse' out of simple frustration or because it really is. I find myself wishing there was more to the story so that I had more to relate to.
Was this a random scene that played out in your head or is it part of something larger?

Hi haha. Starting to see more of you every where.

Well Lets start. I couldnt think of a better word for jerked. I originally had flashed open but I used that word later in the same sentence.
With the whole panicked whines calming. I meant like him whines were calming down.
Just a bunch of typos and grammer. Um. Yes the IMs were meant to be just like how me and my cousin talk. I think it could be part of something bigger. Kind of like that little tip thing in my writers block thread. I just cant think. She thinks of it as a curse because I think of it as a curse. I cant sllep when its raining. Even if I cant hear it, I wake up almost as soon as it starts. Your the first person to say that grandmothers dont say "Baby Doll." Mine does. Shes called me that sence I was a baby.
It was actully a night that happened to me in a kinda sorta way. I was staying with my grandma, but only to help take car of my cousin, who was a girl and who was like 6. I did wake up to the storm that woke up my cousin and i fixed her a glass of warm milk, not a bottle. I did talk to my cousin but on my grandparents dest top seeings how I just got a lap top 2 weeks ago.
Hope that helps with the understanding.

That's a total bummer. I love the rain, it actually does just the opposite to me. It puts me to sleep really fast.

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Your the first person to say that grandmothers dont say "Baby Doll."

I did? .-. I don't remember saying that, but if I did I apologize. I've heard people say it to their children before. I think it's kinda cute. =]

Ah, so it is 'a day in the life' kind of thing! I feel so smart, right now. =D
It does help with understand.

Glad it's helping you to write again!

Originally Posted by Nolori

I did? .-. I don't remember saying that, but if I did I apologize. I've heard people say it to their children before. I think it's kinda cute. =]

I meant your the first person not to say anything about that. Ha sorry typo.:sweat:

Oh, okay. Fhew! I thought maybe my fingers were typing without my permission!

Anyway, I hope you post more stuff. I like to read it. =]

I will try. I have a bunch of stories Ive stared but none of them as good as Foster Fail. I think thats been my best ever.:sweat:

I think that's good actually! You can't make one better than your best until you've written your best!

The funny thing is, I wrote this my sophomore year, and Im a senior. I just found it in an old note book the other day labeled stupid stories I wrote in math. Haha. No wonder I almost failed math that year. That notebook was FULL.=3

You have no idea how thankful I am that I was not the only one who did that. I think I collectively wrote more stories in my math classes than I did anywhere else. Clearly this must be some kind of source of writing power!

NO KIDDIN. My math teacher sucked. She explained stuff to us like we were in college. And I learn slower then like almost everyone in my class ok In my class I learn the slowest, so I have to work way hard to keep up, so when she covers 3 chapters a week, Im screwed.

Haha. I hear you there!

Well, be sure to post again when you have something else or get ahold of me if you edit this one! =D

My turn to say stuff! YAY <3

This is an interesting story. Is it just a short story or is there going to be more to it?

There were a few grammar erros (fragments, run ons) but it happens to all of us. I myself am bad with subject-verb agreements and...well...any agreements at that lol.

I like the moment when she goes to the baby and calm him down, shoes the mothering nature that all teenage girls have, whether they notice it or not.

Towards the end, things got a little odd. Things bounced from on a laptop with my cousin to job applications. I was like "What? When did she start those?" It's a nice, simple story though. These are hard to come by.

Oh and the point of view. I usually hate first person point-of-view (hence why I'm not a fan of the Twilight Saga), but I actually enjoyed this one. I suppose I like it for short stories but not as much with novels (except for The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. Great book and she is from my town! :D)

Originally Posted by Nolori

You have no idea how thankful I am that I was not the only one who did that. I think I collectively wrote more stories in my math classes than I did anywhere else. Clearly this must be some kind of source of writing power!

I think a lot of people do their best work in the most useless class in school, next to history and science. I myself did my best work in History because I love history and use a lot of information in my stories. I havent posted any because, well I dont have any of them typed thanks to a crashed computer. Good luck with your writing guys.

The only new thing I have to add to whats been said already is that I'm wondering about the "Gracie baby" and "Baby Gracie" I can see that it's a nickname, but why does everyone, grandmother included, call her that? Maybe it's just me, but I'm having trouble picturing some 70-something/80-something calling someone "Gracie baby".

The other thing is this sentence:

My puppy, Eeore, at my feet shuttered against the thunder.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe "At my feet my puppy, Eeore, shuttered against the thunder" instead?