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Random thing I wrote in math forever ago.

I tried to keep my mind on math while trying NOT to think about our fight. The fractions my geometry teacher was talking about went in one ear and out the other. I couldn't wait for next hour so I could text him, and talk things out. My homework was not going to get done this way. So I pushed my glasses up one more time attempting to catch something she was talking about. I glanced around the room to find I was not the only one not paying attention.

Jimmie Corcoran was asleep two desks to my right and a few desks in front of him, that new girl, Shayla, was checking her makeup in a handheld mirror. Her "stalker," as we call him, Damon Either was drooling over the back of her head right before the bell rang, the principle walked in making everyone sit back down. I, like many others, complained and slumped back in my chair. His black slowly balding head shown in the florescent light.

"Excuse me, but we need all of juniors to go to the gym. This is very important." His monotone voice died off in the silence and he turned on the back of his black Loafers and walked out. I smiled to myself thinking that is didn't have to go to my stupid homeroom. Eight of the twenty-seven students stood up and walked out of the room into the crowded hallways of our school. My friend Jordan came up behind me as we slowly walked into the gymnasium. We sat down in the back row with our friend Sam who also had no idea what this could be about.

When the last person sat down, the all the doors closed and all the lights went off. A few screams echoed around and Sam jumped. The top spot light came straight down to the middle of the gym floor to the picture of out mighty Giants. The room went silent again and two more spot lights turned on the free throw lines on each side of the court. A short girl with her head down and a mic. in her right hand stepped into the light on the right side, and a boy who looked like he just got into college stepped into the far left. His head was also down and a mic. in his left hand. A few whispers erupted and a tall kid with shaggy brown hair stepped into the middle with his head down.

The shorter man lifted his mic. "My name is Cory, and I am a travailing speaker. Today we are going to talk about acceptance." His bright blue eyes scanned through the darkness. The middle boy lifted his head and brought his mic. up.

"My name is Alex, and I'm a travailing speaker. Today we are going to talk about love." The girl slowly lifted her head, her hand shaking as she brought up her mic.

"My name is Sarah, and I'm as travailing speaker. Today we are going to talk about..." she let her words drift around in the darkness of the room. "Abuse." And at that word the lights snapped on to show a projector and a big grey sheet with the words "I AM ONE" spray painted in big black letters. The spot lights turned off one by one as the three came together in one group.

Cory turned on the projector and grabbed a small controller off the stand. I leaned over towards Jordan. "Why do I have the feeling we are not going to have classes the rest of the day?" His only answer was a shrug.

I don't think a single person paid attention that day at school. But we all had to sign that big sheet and now its hanging up in the hall way. My boyfriend left me, and I slowly got over him. Now seven weeks later. I'm dating Jordan, even though hes kind of a dork, hes funny and makes me laugh. One day, I hope my ex and I can be friends again, but as for now, we don't even talk. He was always the angry type, and jealous. Oh well, life goes on. The only thing I remember from that day those three speakers came, was that girl talking about how she had an abusive father, and abusive boyfriend that she couldn't get away from. Not many people cried but she sure did. Jordan fell asleep on my shoulder and someone took a picture of it and plastered it all over Facebook. That's why he broke up with me.

I can tell these are more or less things that really happened to you, so I feel odd critiquing them. But you didn't seem to mind the other ones, so here I go again. =]

And you really ought not to put 'good' or 'bad' as options in your poll there. Everyone's first draft is rough. (A first draft written in math class even rougher; I remember those days.)

One more thing: (Golly I have a lot to say today.) I'm worried this is dangerously close to a journal-type writing or 'daily experience' kind of thing. It says you can't post those here in the rules. I'm not going to presume to ask you to take this down or anything, but just be careful, okay? I don't want you to get into trouble or anything.
[To be honest, I'm not sure how diligently such things are monitored here. I've only been here two or three days. Heh.)

On to the crit.!
---

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

I tried to keep my mind on math while trying NOT to think about our fight.

It's not really wrong, but I've never been a fan of capitalized words for emphasis. (There are a few exceptions, but, well, really very few.) Instead, I suggest using italics. "...while trying not to thinkg about..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

I couldn't wait for next hour so I could text him, and talk things out.

While I'm pretty sure I know who 'him' is, I'd suggest changing it to 'my boyfriend' instead. At this point, it seems like 'him' could be your math teacher, which would be very odd indeed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

So I pushed my glasses up one more time attempting to catch something she was talking about.

Another pronoun issue. You never explained that 'she' was your math teacher. While I can figure it out, it should probably be more clear. You could mention earlier that your math teacher is female, so that you can start using pronouns.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

I glanced around the room to find I was not the only one not paying attention.

Not wrong by any means, but double negatives can be awfully confusing to read! Try eliminating them: "I glanced around the room to find that others were ignoring her too." Something to that effect.

Quote:

Her "stalker," as we call him...

I assume 'we' is the class, but as the reader I shouldn't really have to assume. Could 'we' be changed to 'the class', 'my friends' ect.?

Quote:

...was drooling over the back of her head right before the bell rang, the principle walked...

This is a run-on sentence. I'd add a period after 'head', and start a new sentence with 'right'. "...was drooling over the back of her head. Right before the bell rang, the principle walked..."
Also, 'principle' should be 'principal'. The 'ple' version of the word means rules, laws, morals or scruples, while 'pal' refers to the person. I remember by thinking "The principal at school is your pal."
Not that he is actually, but it's a handy tool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

His black slowly balding head shown in the florescent light.

Some grammatical and spelling errors is all. A comma should be put in after 'black' and 'shown' is to show something, where as I believe you meant 'shone' to shine.
"His black, slowly balding head shone in the florescent light."

Quote:

I smiled to myself thinking that is didn't have to go to my stupid homeroom.

A comma could be put in after 'myself'. "I smiled to myself, thinking that..."
Also, I'm unsure what 'is' is there for. Did you mean 'I'?

Quote:

Eight of the twenty-seven students stood up and walked out of the room into the crowded hallways of our school.

I think putting the word 'and' between 'room' and 'into' would help it flow a little better.
"...and walked out of the room and into the crowded..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath

We sat down in the back row with our friend Sam who also had no idea what this could be about.

I'd add a comma after 'Sam' because the two thoughts seem separate.
"...with our friend Sam, who also..."

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

When the last person sat down, the all the doors closed and all the lights went off.

I think you started to write this sentence one way and decided on another way of writing it by the end. It could go one of two ways: "When the last person sat down all the doors..." or "The last person sat down, then all the doors..."
Personally I like the first better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

His head was also down and a mic. in his left hand.

It feels like there's a word missing here. "...and he had a mic. ..."?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

"My name is Cory, and I am a travailing speaker."

'travailing' should be 'traveling' for all three speakers. Travailing means to have a great burden of work, or more commonly as the pain of childbirth. Heh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

...even though hes kind of a dork...

'hes' should be 'he's'. Also, dorks are awesome!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

...hes funny and makes me laugh...

he's

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbreath

Not many people cried but she sure did.

There should be a comma after 'cried'. "Not many people cried, but she sure did."

As I get to the end of this, I'm still worried it breaks the rules. For the next thing you post, you might want to make sure it's a story you wrote and not a day-in-the-life or journal of the day. Just to be safe. =]

That actually never happened to me. It was a dream I had. I just made it more complex, kind of. Just a bunch or grammar and spelling mistakes in this one.

The end seems really cut-off to me. Unless this "Jordan" was your boyfriend the whole time? It seems like there's not much of a story, and like Nolori said, it's pretty close to being a blog entry.
xoxo