Keys [1st Chapter/Opinions?]
 

Daniel Giry; Age 10; Residences 1256 Gurtu Ave.; Phone 555-0508;

Records: Crime

10-12-01 Unknowingly broke into neighbors house. Items lost: Cat and Telephone
10-18-02 Unknowingly drove a car into the local Market Store. Section hit: Freezer Section
10-24-03 Unknowingly stole from the bookstore. Items lost: Poetry from Edgar Allen Poe and How to draw book
10-30-04 Unknowingly ran twenty [20] miles to a convenient store. Items purchased: Water
11-05-05 Unknowing set a fire department on fire. Items Used: None known
11-11-06 Unknowing went to library at 2:47 am and read aloud 27 books in 12 minutes. Person who reported: Librarian


A black man dressed in a blue coat, stood outside shivering, and whispering to an elderly woman in black.

“I swear, I don’t know how, but his voice was like super speed!” she squeaked the last part of her sentence out.

“I know, this kid, is a bit different, not to worry. Just settle down, I’ll take care of everything.” The black man said soothingly. The woman’s eyes went back and forth between the kid sitting on the hood of the car to the man standing in front of her. She nodded her head, and said mostly to herself “Yeah, I’mma go have sometea.” Her words slurring together terribly. The man waited until the door had closed and headed toward the car.

“How do you manage to travel 56 miles away in 2 minutes? How do you manage to read 27 books in 12 minutes? How do you manage to do all this stuff without knowing!” he was getting very angry, very fast. “Get in!” he unlocked the car and got in the drivers side.

“I swear Bruce, I have no idea, I just black out, then I end up places like this!” Daniel argued pointlessly.

“I’ve heard that before Mr. Giry!” Bruce said, starting the car. “This time I want to know the truth.”

“I swear-” Bruce cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Not from you, I called your parents, I’m going to take you to the hospital for some blood work. This has gone on for 5 years Dan, we need to know.”

“But, I’m not crazy!” Daniel again started to protest, “I’m just, Daniel Giry!”

“Daniel Giry has been committing crimes for 5 years! Tell me kid, how does a six year old drive a car into a store. How does an eight year old run twenty miles in less than an hour?” Bruce looked at him, he wasn’t so much mad, as he was confused and frustrated. Daniel didn’t answer; he just stared out the window. Bruce focused on the road; the hospital shouldn’t be to far away.

Not even a full minute later, they arrived at the hospital; Daniel got out and headed for the door, not even waiting for Bruce. Daniel called the elevator, when he got in, he saw Bruce just getting out of the car. Daniel rolled his eyes and pushed floor five, he could be there and back before Bruce even got to the door. The elevator pinged and opened its door on floor five; a strange scent was coming from the floor, almost familiar. Dan stepped out, unaware of the closing doors behind him. It looked look a doctors office, there was a check-in desk, several doors, and a waiting room. But, the scent didn’t smell like a doctors office.

A lady walked by carrying a clipboard with a bunch of papers, and smiled kindly at him. Another lady came over to him, smiled at him in a strained kind of way and said, “Is there anything I can help you with?” the lady was young, looked to be 18, she had brittle color hair, blue almost gray eyes, and very clear skin.

Daniel shook his head slowly, to tell the truth, he was scared. Every time, right before he would commit a crime he would feel almost sick to his stomach, then get really hot, and of course! He would smell that smell, like fresh cookies mixed with sushi and a poorly working air freshener mixed together. The elevator doors opened behind him, and Bruce stepped out.

“Oh! Daniel why didn’t you wait for me?” he asked, and then he realized the girl was standing there. “Oh, hello. Daniel didn’t give you any trouble do he?”

The girl shook her head, “No! Of course not, why would he?” Bruce dismissed her question and said, “Every well then, we should be going.” He turned around and called the elevator, once inside he said, “Daniel, why didn’t you wait for me?”

Daniel looked down and said quietly, “I don’t know, I just didn’t like being in the car.” Bruce raised an eyebrow at him. The elevator pinged, and they stepped out into the 10th floor on the hospital.


[This is a part of a story I just wrote, I wanted to know, is it good enough to go on? This was kind of a "I just want to write a story" kind of things, so I want your opinion.

PS; This is not edited at all, except what I did on Mircosoft Word. Opinions please?]

I thought this whole section was really clever. =D

I’m confused as to how this is a crime. I mean, if he purchased it isn’t it all legal?

I actually don’t think you need any commas here at all. I think it runs pretty smoothly without them.

I think the comma after 'kid' isn't needed.

I think that both the ‘h’s in ‘he was getting…’ and ‘he unlocked…’ should be capitalized.

I think you decided to use commas here to show that his words are coming quickly, right? If that’s so, then I think you could take out a few commas here. You could do it in a few ways, so I’ll let you play with that instead of giving you examples. =]

Since ‘I swear’ and ‘Not from you’, are two different people talking, ‘Not from you’ needs to be on its own line.

I’m unsure why there is a comma after ‘just’.

I think the comma after ‘mad’ can be dropped.

‘do’ should be ‘did’, yeah? Just a little typo.

I think ‘Bruce dismissed her…’ should be its own line since he also speaks. It’ll help distinguish between voices.

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I really like the concept and I hope you continue to do more with it. It’s interesting that he commits crimes in general out of compulsion, rather than any single specific kind. I really hope that gets explained at some point! =]

I also quite like the characters, although I don’t know why exactly. I haven’t seen much of them, but I feel like they have a lot to say and a lot of personality in them. Good job with that!

No problem! I'm glad I could help!

For the hesitation:
May I suggest changing the comma after 'just' to ellipses then? If ellipses aren't your thing, then perhaps throwing in a studder word? 'Uhm' 'Ah' 'Uh' Something like that?