The Fun House [Need Advice]
 

Hi Soul!
My general suggestion for posting stories on the forum is to double-space between paragraphs and to keep it left-justified. It tends to make it easier on the eyes and more appealing to read.
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I understand that she wants to get in the fun-house so she can get out of the dark, but when I got to ‘and then get out’ I was confused. Does she want to run through the fun-house? Or did you mean that she wanted to get out of the dark, because ‘nightfall was quickly coming’?

While this paragraph has a lot of useful insight to the two girls, it kind of comes at the reader all at once. It also isn’t the most exciting thing to read. It takes away some of the fear inspired by the carnival at night.
I think you should break up this paragraph so that it appears in smaller sections throughout the piece. A sentence here and there in various other parts. That way, the whole of their back-story doesn’t hit you all at once.
There is some of it, such as Cora being athletic or Jesse constantly being complimented, that can be shown rather than told. Assuming you continue this, you could show us more of Cora running about, faster and more agile than Jesse. Or show us, through character dialogue, that Jesse is always being complimented. It can make it a more interesting thing to read. When the reader figures something out, like Jesse being a changed person, rather than being told it makes the reader feel smart. Hehe.

I think the official term is ‘nonexistent’ rather than ‘un’.

‘neons’ doesn’t really fit the scheme. Red and blue are both actual colors, while neon is a type of color. (I’m sorry if ‘type’ isn’t really what it should be called. I’m not at all artistically inclined as far as color goes.) If you wanted to say ‘neon reds and blues’, it would make a bit more sense and be easier to visualize.

Ah ha! This is what I’m talking about by showing us Cora is athletic, rather than telling us.

I understand what you’re saying, but the phrasing of the sentence seems a bit awkward. What about saying something more along the lines of Cora speaking aloud to no one in particular?

There’s a space between the “ and ‘It’s’. Just a tiny little thing. =]

Since Jello is a brand name, it should be capitalized. You could change it to ‘jelly’ though, if you don’t want the capitalization there. Either gets your point across fine.

This sentence bothers me. By acknowledging yourself in the piece, as ‘I’, it’s like dousing cold water on the face of the reader. All of the sudden you’re reminding me that this isn’t real, that this is a story and that you’re the author. Readers don’t want to be reminded of that as their reading. (Except in the cases of some humor novels and meta-fiction, but those are cases all their own.)
I’d simply strike these two sentences out. Let the reader imagine this clown on their own; let us decide why he’s weird. =]

I’m something of a stickler for this; but I think that essentially any number under ninety-nine and without decimal points really should be written out.

There is a space between the ‘n’ and ‘t’ in ‘didn’t’.
‘but Cora didn’t realize this’, seems to be another part where you could show rather than tell. Or, rather, leave out altogether. Instead, when she does realize it you can show us her fear or excitement (or whatever she is feeling) and being there after closing.

I’m not sure if you accidentally put two periods or meant to write in ellipses. I think it’s fine with a single period if you meant for ellipses.

I have a bit of a problem with this, only because it doesn’t make much sense to me. The two got separated in a carnival and then Jesse decided to leave without Cora? That doesn’t seem like something a best-friend would do. (At least not mine.)
Could you offer some explanation as to why Jesse would just leave?

There is also the fact that you seem to be mostly third-person limited to Cora. By having ‘and Jesse had already left’, you seem to very suddenly switch to third-person omniscient. My suggestion is to either strike ‘and Jesse had already left’, or phrase it in a way that keep’s it to what Cora could reasonably know.

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I enjoyed your description of the fun-house. And because carnivals are a place of interest to me, I would really quite like to know what happens next. What’s in the room with her? Will she see it fleetingly in the mirrors?

I hope you keep going with it!

Totally understandable! Whenever anyone writes we kind of expect everyone to understand what's going on because we (as authors) understand it. Wouldn't life be so much easier if it just worked that way? Haha!