Tinica
 

{I'm writing This story about one of my favorite character's brother. I just needed feedback on it, and I'll update this story on my blog if you want to give me continuing feedback as I write it. It would be appreciated. ^.^}

(Sorry it's so long.)

Is this how you meant for me to survive? Is this what you meant to leave me with? Is this what you were talking about when you told me that everything would be ok? Tinica mentally asked her late father.

A month ago her father had died from gunshot wounds. Muggers had shot him, trying to get to her. A week after he died her house burned down, she had no job, and he’d left her with mountains of debts to pay off. He had pretended to protect her from everything he could, ever since she was little and now he was gone.

She had no idea of what to do, so day in and day out she sat in various parks, sleeping on the benches and digging through the trash for the food that people with money wasted. Wearing only the clothes that she had left the house in the day her house burned down.

I can’t believe you’re dead. I feel as if you abandoned me! ”You Jerk! How could you?!” She screamed at the night sky, anguished and lonely.

“Oh, dear. Are you ok? You seem distraught.” She looked up to see a man a little taller than average height leaning down to look at her. He had messy dark brown hair, and looked down at her, concerned, through incredibly green eyes, holding his glasses as if they were going to fall off his face. He looked too skinny, but it was ok because somehow he made it work nicely.

“No shit Sherlock.” She told him grumpily, crossing her arms in a childish gesture of anger.

Straitening up, he calmly pushed his glasses up with one finger. “Oh, well. Is there anything I can do to help? My name’s Oliver. You are-” Sitting down, he held his hand out to her.

“Tink. Well actually Tinica, but you can call me Tink.” She stared at the hand suspiciously for a moment before shaking it. “Why do you care? I mean, I’m stinky, dirty, homeless and jobless.”
Oliver shrugged “Well to be honest,you’re sitting on my bench.”

“Yeah? Well you know why I’m sitting on your bench? Because, I don’t have a home. This is my bed.” Tink snapped at him.

“Well, I’m just as homeless as you but, unlike you, I actually have friends.” Oliver grinned at her.

“How do you know that?”

Oliver chuckled trying not to burst in to laughter. “Because, if you had real friends like me, you’d be clean, fed, and happy. I get to mooch off my friends, because they’re real friends, not posers.”

Tink rolled her eyes at him. “You know what? You’re a loser.”

“I know that. Tell me something new and interesting.” His glasses flashed in the lamplight. He smiled at her forgetting his vampiric teeth might not look normal to her.

“A-are you a vampire?” Tink asked, trying not to panic.

“Hmm? Oh, no.” Oliver gave a small huff of a laugh, fingering a canine tooth. “I’m not a vampire, my mom was human. Vampires are just stories.” He smiled again, this time not as wide.

Tink gulped and asked “And your father?”

“Umm. He was a demon.”

Hello there! Homeless vampires, huh? I like it already!

I have two suggestions for this sentence. One is that I don’t think you need the comma after ‘away.’
The second is that, typically, when someone is considered ‘wasting away’, it was more to do with a disease such as influenza or tuberculoses. You might change the sentence to ‘after gunshot wounds had become infected’ or something to that effect. It’s not a plot-breaking problem or anything, just a suggestion. =]

I’ve never been a fan of double punctuation. One exclamation point should do the job just fine. =]

Although usually accepted in every-day speech, ‘ok’ is not actually a word. O.K. or okay are the standard terms. I’d go with ‘okay’ for this.

‘okay’

You missed a space between the comma and ‘you’re’. Small typo. =]

I think the comma after ‘lamplight’ should be a period.

I think this sentence is odd only because there is a POV change that seems to come from nowhere. Before now, it’s all been third-person limited (to Tink) and in this sentence it changes to third-person omniscient. I’d stick with the third-person limited, or go back and make it omniscient throughout the whole story.

This has more to do with the kind of world Tink lives in:
Are vampires normal (and accepted by societal reality) in Tink’s world? If they are, then this makes perfect sense. If not, you would think she would have either a more violent reaction (Holy Crap! Vampire!) or not immediately think of it.
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It sounds like a great start with a pretty solid opening. Things move a bit fast for me, but if it's going to be a short(ish) story, then that makes sense. It was entertaining and easy to read.
Good work! =D

Thanks! That was helpful. Also since the story is just beginning, I haven't gotten into explaining things yet but Oliver isn't a vampire. He is homeless though.

Since I'm putting this on my blog (there's nothing else I'm useing it for) the third, fourth, and, possibly, fifth and sixth posts will explain what is going on and who/what Oliver is.