So I have been writting a new short story and I'm not sure If I want to keep writing....Please tell me what you think of it so far. I must say though, its kinda depressing right now....


Moments in Life

The wind rushed in a horrid tearing motion that left her feeling strangely calm. Oddly, The precarious tilt of her body didn’t send her heart pounding or adrenaline coursing through her veins. There was quiet and peace here high above the world; set apart. She was set apart from them, oh, because they could never understand! They didn’t get her heart, her mind, so the dark abyss seemed her only friend. She looked down from where she stood; from the side of the railing she shouldn’t have been on. Thunder roared overhead and for the first time trepidation gripped her muscles so she froze on the causeway, cold metal against her bare feet and spray from the downpour above splattering her face. The abyss called, but human nature yelled at her from somewhere deep inside to be afraid. She feared, yes, she feared the crazy notion in her head and the darkness that ruled her heart that drove her to the railing.

A rock skittered past her feet, the sound a loud echo in her head. She spun; all the adrenaline that had been held off flooding her body.

“Hey there, lass. Whatcha doin’ up here?” called a scratchy deep voice.

She turned from the railing and churning river to see an old man, dressed in thread-bare clothing and a worn hat clutched in his hands. She said nothing to the man, but now the relaxed calm that fueled her courage was gone. So she watched with wary dark eyes, eating into the old man like obsidian, yet tried her best to hide her soul inside to never be seen.

The old man didn’t seem to care about the barefooted, jacket-less state of the woman. “I’m Emerson, lassy. Don’t seem the night for leaving a jacket inside, eh?” Emerson looked at her with perceptive eyes and for a second, she thought the old, surely homeless, guy knew. But, even if Emerson did, the beggar said nothing, only held out his hat for money.

She wouldn’t need it, not where she was going, so she reached into her pocket and emptied fourty dollars into the beggar’s hat.

“Have it.” She turned back to the river as the held the railing from behind. But here she was ready to jump until a beggar comes, and suddenly she wasn’t. It shouldn’t work out like this. It never should have started like this, but life never seems all that fair or even good most the time. The beggar man was proof of that. He was just another victim of a too cruel universe.


to be continued.....maybe....

Hi there!
It is a little depressing, but it sounds like it gets better further along. At least he didn’t jump, yeah?

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Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

The precarious tilt of his body oddly didn’t send…

I understand what you mean, but the word ‘oddly’ is placed in such a, well, odd place that it convolutes the sentence. I’d rewrite the sentence to something more along the lines of, “Despite the odd tilt of his body, precariously close to the edge, no adrenaline coursed through his veins.”
Or something like that. That way, you get the point across in a clearer way. It makes the sentence a little longer, but for your idea I think the sentence needs to be stretched out.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

This was quiet and peace here high above the world; set apart.

I’d change ‘This’ to ‘There’.
‘set apart’ doesn’t seem complete. While I really like that it’s set apart from the sentence (that was actually really clever), but I think you need to add something after it:
‘set apart from the earth’. It needs to be set apart from something.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He was set apart from them, oh because they could never understand!

I think there are two ways to go about this. I think you either need to take out ‘oh’, or end the sentence after ‘them’ and have ‘oh’ be a new sentence.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

They didn’t get his heart, his mind, so a dark abyss seemed his only friend.

This is either a really good sentence overly dramatic. I think it depends on what you’re trying to convey to the reader. Desperation and depression can be shown in two ways. You can either try and make us feel really bad for this fellow, or have us think he’s over-reacting.
With this sentence, I feel like he’s over-reacting. While I understand that suicidal people often do feel this way, from a literary standpoint it feels over done.
[Granted, if you were writing in 1st person, I wouldn’t have any problem with it.]

I might also just be overly cynical. You might want to wait for a second opinion before changing it.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

…and the darkness that ruled his heart and drove him forward.

I think ‘and’ should be ‘but’, since he’s moving forward even though he’s scared. The two kind of contradict each other (in a good way!) rather than work together.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

… all the adrenaline that had been held off flooding his body.

I think something is missing between ‘off’ and ‘flooding’. I understand what you meant, but it took a second read. I think ‘…held off was now flooding…’ would help with the flow of the piece.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

“Hey there, boy. Whatcha doin’ up here?” called a scratchy deep voice.

For speech it’s usually best to drop into a new paragraph.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

…dressed in tread-bare …

‘thread’ instead of ‘tread’

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

…to hide his soul inside forever.

I don’t quite understand how ‘forever’ works in this sentence.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

“Have it.”

I’d drop it into a new paragraph.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He turned back to the railing—or really away—because he stood on the opposite side of it from the beggar; the side he shouldn’t have been on.

This sentence confused me. I think instead of putting this here, you should edit the earlier parts so that you show Mr. Severely-Depressed on the wrong side of the railing earlier on. I think that will clear up the confusion.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

But here he was ready to jump, and a beggar comes, and suddenly he isn’t.

I’d change ‘isn’t’ to ‘wasn’t’. ‘isn’t’ seems like a very sudden tense shift.

---
Thank you for taking the time to go through for spelling and grammar and the like. It makes such a huge difference. And it’s so much more fun to be able to help with syntax and concept instead of worrying about the more basic things.

Over all, it seems like a really good beginning. The sentence structure makes bits of it a little confusing to read, but not to the point where I’m really lost. The ending line, especially, seems like an excellent point to jump into the rest of the story.

I have a bit of a problem when the beggar comes in. Only because you use the pronoun ‘he’ so much, that I have trouble figuring out which ‘he’ you’re talking about. While it can be guessed at depending on actions, I think it should be clearer.

I hope you continue it!

I might work on that other story later... But for now I feel like posting my novel for National Novel Writing Month as I write it. Enjoy.

The Black Kingdom

Chapter 1:

This is the Black Kingdom—dark, uncontained evil. This is the kingdom that hides beneath the worlds’ scars, waiting to take over. And when it does….death! Yes, this is the Black Kingdom and Oroax is the world it has come to. Oroax...my home world….

From the depths of darkness and war, the Blessed shall awaken. From beneath the Kings of Darkness come the Lords of Light. And the Blessed Ones will take back that which is lost almost forever, but have no fear because the Blessed will come. Do not look to think of who they are or why it be these lords…but be grateful because they….they are Blessed.


Lauren glanced down, her cold blue eyes reading into the darkness. She hated this darkness, but it was reality. She could live with it, but…Tamara could not. Lauren blinked as she watched the smaller girl sleep, curled up next to her. It was sad how they lived under the thumb of darkness and it scared Lauren of what their fate could be. But she did know why it was them, of all the other people, that were here. Tamara was an angel that had been pulled from heaven and forced into darkness, and well….Lauren….

Lauren glanced sharply away from the peaceful sleeping figure of Tamara. What Lauren was, was far worse than an angel with a dark stain in her heart. Lauren was the Weapon. No one really understood what that meant besides her. But they feared her anyways. Lauren was the tool of anyone, just limitless power inside a body—a power that was designed to be used like a tool. She could use this power herself…as long as she had the stone ring. But she didn’t, so they controlled her; her and Tammy. And they couldn’t escape because the ones that held power over them were none other than the Kings of Darkness, and rulers of the Black Kingdom.

Lauren forced back a shiver, but her unease was not missed by the eerily observant Tamara.

“Lauren? Are you cold?” Tamara asked in her quiet innocent voice. Lauren wrapped an arm around the dark angel and smiled fondly.

“Yes dear, a draft came through, but it’s alright now.” Yes, it was alright now. Her heart was closed to worries of the future if only so that she could survive the day. Tamara just gave her a knowing smile and Lauren was forced to sigh. Despite Tamara’s small size and youthful appearance, she was an angel and quite a bit older than the nineteen year old Lauren. But to their own race, both wear but children, which made it all the more easy for them to be manipulated it seemed.

“Maybe we should find some blankets then,” Tamara said simply, catching Lauren off guard. Just get blankets? They were in a dark barren room just as they had been for nearly a month now. They didn’t have luxuries like blankets!

“Tammy…oh dear Tamara, we don’t have blankets,” Lauren whispered, wrapped her arms tighter around the smaller girl, feeling warmth surge into her through the feathered wings at Tamara’s back. The soft feel, it was so luxurious—just like the heart of the girl whom the wings adorned.

“Then we should get out of the dark and get some blankets!” Tamara looked up at Lauren with those huge brown eyes and once again, Lauren was shocked by the implications and the bluntness of what her friend said. Lauren pulled away to look Tamara in the eye.

“Tamara, you know we can’t do that, this is a prison, you don’t just walk out!” Lauren shook her head. But it had her thinking. It was exactly what she wanted to do herself wasn’t it?

“Yes we can,” Tamara said. “I think I know how.” Now Lauren was really listening.

“Do tell darling! Please tell me you are being serious this time!” It was of course, not the first time they had devised an escape. It had been a daily activity in the beginning, but hopelessness had driven such schemes away recently.

“Well…” Tamara started. “We’re powerful and we know it. That’s why they have us right? Yes the Kingdom doesn’t really seem to be bothering with us right now, so I was thinking…Well, I was thinking that just because neither of us have really had a chance to us our powers, that’s what we need to do.”

“Easy said, but it just doesn’t work that way for me hon,” Lauren said grudgingly. This was just some stupid plan that wouldn’t work, just like all the others.

“No no, Lauren! There’s more!” Tamara blurted. Lauren just eyed her, daring the dark angel to go on. “I was thinking on this for a long while you see….” She looked away with an embarrassed look.

“I learned one of my hidden powers see!” Tamara finally exclaimed, all excitement. Before Lauren could respond, her friend ha simply disappeared. Lauren blinked; stunned for a second, then she surged to her help, letting out a yelp.

“Tamara!! What in the world have you done you crazy angel?!” An invisible force shoved Lauren playfully in the shoulder, eliciting a gasp and a slight stumble.

“I’m right here silly!” said Tamara’s voice from just to Lauren’s left. She stared at the empty space, aghast. The silence in the prison filled with giggles and finally it dawned on Lauren. A wicked smile curved across her face.

“You little devil! Have you just turned yourself invisible?!” Lauren exclaimed. For the first time in so long, joy rushed through her. The possibilities for this, all the plans that could finally be achieved! She would never have thought that one of Tammy’s latent powers, never fully realized before she finished her training with her fellow angels would be a power of invisibility!

Tamara giggled again. “I know, I discovered in one night while you were sleeping Lauren and I’ve been practicing. I wasn’t sure I could do it…but look at me!”

There was a sound like the girl spinning in a circle. Then the voice said, “Oh. You can’t see me.” She giggled more at her joke, and then suddenly Tamara was once more visible to Lauren.

“So, you see. We do have a chance to beat them this time. We have an amazing power that they know nothing about!”

Lauren nodded. This could actually work. She didn’t want to get her hopes too high, but Tamara was right, they needed to get out of here! So the two of them put their heads together and frantically whispered, working out their plan.

Giving a slight nod, Lauren watched as Tamara faded from sight. Both were sitting against the wall once again, lounging as best they could in the prison cell. It was late afternoon as Lauren figured, about time for a meal to be brought to them. Neither Tamara nor she had seen sunlight or the outside for months now, but she had the food schedule down pretty good.

Five minutes later, footsteps on the stone stairs, accompanied by the jingle of keys, could be heard. Besides the smile on Lauren’s face, she appeared to be sleeping as the two prisoners prepared to execute their plan. At the sound of the grate opening and the food being shoved through, Laruen opened her eyes and scampered towards the meager rations. The guard smirked down at her, but as Laruen started to eat, the guard realized that only one prisoner came out for the food.

“Hey you!” he snapped gruffly at Lauren. “Where’s the other girl?!” Lauren paused in the middle of ripping off a chunk of bread and started to look around, feinting confusion. Lauren just blinked at the guard.

“Um…Tammy?” Are you back there?” she called hesitantly, eyes searching through the shadows at the back of the cell. “She was here when I fell asleep…” Lauren muttered to the guard as she wandered into the shadows in search of Tamara.

She let out a muffled scream and came stumbling back to the cell door, a perfect horrified look on her face. “She’s dead!” Lauren gasped. “There’s blood and she’s so pale and won’t wake up! Oh, poor Tammy…!”

The guard stared speechlessly, looking at the prisoner girl in alarm and suspicion. Lauren shifted her feet, the guard’s eyes going wide at the smudges of blood she left on the stone ground. It was like…it was like she’d walked through puddles of blood! When Lauren started to cry, the guard raised his crude metal weapon, a thing they called a gun, and pointed it at her. Then he unlocked the door.

Keeping the gun trained on Lauren, the guard cautiously opened the door, stepped inside, and left the door slightly ajar. But he was smart about it, remaining between Lauren and the door at all times. But he wasn’t smart enough. The invisible Tamara slipped out the door, using her small size to slide through.

“Show me!” he barked and Lauren moved to the back, knowing that this was where the lies would end. There was no dead body and no one to save her if things went wrong.

Tamara raced up the stairs and down the hall, feeling guilty about leaving Lauren behind, but they had decided this was the best way. They had to prolong alerting security for as long as possible or Tamara would never be able to steal the ring and seal of Lauren’s power. There would be no point in escaping if the Black Kingdom still controlled them; the ring was imperative!

She skid to a stop at an intersection, glancing rapidly around at the passageways that seemed identical, just deep red carpets and walls of dark wood. A sound made her spin around quickly just in time to see a man walking down the hallway, a candelabra in hand. Tamara shrunk back and the man walked by so fast she barely got out of the way before he passed her. This guy wasn’t a guard though. He wore black and red robes with boots, long hair tied up at the nape of his neck. Going purely on her instinct, she quietly followed behind the guy.

Down another hallway, past some doors, until the man eventually came to a staircase and looked both way, as if to make sure he wasn’t being followed. Then up the stairs he ran, far faster than his previous speedy walk, and Tamara struggled to keep up. The man swung open a door and disappeared into a large room. The floorboards creaked as Tamara crept to the door and she winced, but the man didn’t seem to hear her. He was busy now rummaging through some drawers in the corner of the room. At a quick glance through the room, she saw that the furniture was old and moth eaten, layers of dust coated everything and muted what were once vibrant reds and blues and purple. She got the feeling this room had once been great, but now if was forgotten in the depths of this great castle. What really had her wondering though, why this young man was foraging around in it in the middle of the afternoon? He didn’t seem like any other person belonging to this horrible, evil kingdom that she had seen. He didn’t fit the stereotype of these people at all.

Tamara went farther into the room, curious about what the man was doing. He took something out of the drawers, then he…then he started to take up his robe! Tamara let out a small squeak of surprise as the robe slid back to reveal shoulders and bare back. He spun around at her sound, and held the robe in place before it could fall farther. His eyes darted about, and there seemed to be real fear on his face. Furious with herself, Tamara clapped her hands over her mouth, but the damage was already done.

“Is someone there?” he asked hesitantly and a small hidden knife was suddenly in his hand. Tamara backed away out of reflex and tripped over a chair, sprawling out on the floor. She blinked down at her hand and saw with horror that parts of her were starting to flicker back into sight. She rolled quickly under a table, letting a cloth fall over her as she laid and trembled, hoping he hadn’t seen her. Praying, she squeezed her eyes shut.

There was a slight rustle as the cloth was pulled back and Tamara looked up with wide, fearful eyes, sure this was the end. But the man just looked at her, almost comfortingly.

“Hey there, are you running away too?” he asked quietly. Tamara blinked in surprise, unable to find any words for the hope choking her. Could he really be a good person? No! She couldn’t trust everyone, what if this was just a trick? Hardening her face, Tamara pulled away from the man, scrambling out from the table and dropping into a fighting stance. He held up his hands in peace.

“Whoa now, I won’t hurt you little one. I’m not a bad guy, I swear,” he tried to reason, but he could see the panic in the girls eyes, like that of a cornered wild animal. What had her so riled? Then he realized what her eyes were riveted on. He still held the knife in his hand. Wincing, he slipped it back into a hidden place in his robes. “Look, my name is Kiba, who are you?”

Tamara was starting to relax some; he just had this gentle, relaxing aura around him, which unarmed her. He had a good name, protected one. It just couldn’t be a joke. Lowering her guard, she whispered hesitantly.

“I’m Tamara…”

“Well Tamara, let’s run away together!” Kiba exclaimed, a smile on his face. Tamara’s face lit up too and she almost agreed.

“NO!” she shouted and Kiba looked at her in confusion, sure he’d read happiness on her face. “I have a friend here, I’m getting her out.”

Kiba relaxed and nodded. “That’s fine. I’ll just have to help your friend too,” he said decisively.

“I don’t know if you can really help me, though,” she said. This man really was too kind. She was starting to wonder who he was really. His robe looked kinda nice so he couldn’t be a prisoner like her and Lauren. “I need to find….” She hesitated before saying it, but she was caught anyways if he wasn’t really on her side. “I need to find the Stone ring so I can release Laruen’s Weapon power!” she blurted in one breath.

Kiba drew in a quick breath, shock written clearly on his face. “Why would you want that? You… aren’t one of those prisoners in the dungeon are you? You’re trying to break out the other prisoner!”

Tamara hung her head in shame, unable to admit the truth. He sounded angry. Maybe he would even turn her in. Kiba ran a hand through his hair with a sigh.

“Don’t worry, I’ll still help you. I was just surprised that one of the famed prisoners was a small girl.”

“We’re famed?” Tamara said hollowly, trying not to let her relief show through in her voice. He didn’t bother answering, just grabbed her arm and push her towards the door. She looked at him in confusion.

“I was about to change clothes remember. I can’t stay in clothes of these people. I have stowed stuff her in this abandoned room.” He grinned at Tamara’s deeply blushing face and closed the door partially behind him. He continued to speak to her from the other side of the door.

“I was a slave to one of the young lords here, but I’m not like the others at all. I don’t wish to use my master’s status to raise my own, especially since I know them for the beasts they are. I’ve been planning my escape for weeks now. If we get this stone ring for your friend within the hour, I have bartered passage on an airship out of the mountains.”

Tamara huddled down in corner, keeping watch on the hallway in case someone came by.
“Don’t worry, Tamara, this part of the castle is abandoned!” Kiba called out as if he’d read her mind. She found herself blushing again and kept her eyes glued to the hallway if just to avoid looked towards the partly open door.

Finally, the door swung open and Kiba stood in front of Tamara dressed in a simple shirt and brown cloak. “Well, come on, let’s get going. We only have any hour!”

Lauren started inching farther away from the guard as he stared angrily at the empty corner of the cell. He whirled on her suddenly and started to advance.

“You lied to me girl!” he snapped, voice full of fiery furry. “There is no one else here but you and I! What, did she escape and leave you behind?” He sneered at her as he continued to advance, Lauren still backing away.

“I bet you thought that by luring me in here you could escape too, but you’re wrong!” Lauren bumped up against the opposite wall and stood there, frightened. Come on Tamara, I can’t wait much longer! She closed her eyes and wished she could somehow mentally reach out to Tamara and express her urgency.

Lauren! Give…. Eyes still closed, Lauren furrowed her brow, confused by these faint whispers sweeping through her head, so gentle and light like a morning breeze. The guard cocked his gun, ready to shoot.

“I know that we need you alive, but maybe I can just give you a little pain!” he shouted, his face beginning to fill with glee. Lauren desperately sought out the voice in her head, trying to show it just how urgent things were getting. Give…Give Lauren the power to protect herself!
Energy flared around Lauren, whipping her hair in invisible winds and creating this glow around her. Her limbs felt light, yet filled with limitless energy as she raised one arm, almost in a trance. Her body moved on its own, belonging to the power, not to her.

The guard back away, stumbling and gasping in fear. There was this look around the girl suddenly, like power was leaking from her electric blue eyes. It felt like lightning was shooting off of her! Was this the Weapon’s power? He couldn’t breathe and his lungs and heart had ceased working, his legs frozen now as he just gazed in fear when she slowly raised her arm, pointing one finger at him.

Energy sparked along Lauren’s body and the guard’s eyes went wide. Time slowed down for her as she watched herself from the outside. There was no sound, even when the guard screamed. A blue beam was slowly emerging from her fingertip, a sparkly flare just blooming out of her. It crept forward, then time returned to normal and it shot into the guard. His face went white and he hung, suspended there for a second, his throat trying to gasp out one last, surprised groan before he crumpled to the ground. The electricity flowed out of Lauren’s eyes and she found herself able to control herself again. Her arm fell limply to her side and she collapsed back against the wall, trying to control herself. She was reeling with what she’d just done, even though it was self defense. The out-flow of power from her didn’t help either. Turning to the side, she started retching.

Whipping her mouth a little while later, Lauren knelt by the guard and felt for a pulse. Her heart pounded loudly, but after a second, she could feel a faint throb. Relief made her weak and she sat back on her heels. Good, he was alive. Now she didn’t feel so guilty. Taking his keys, she unlocked the door and ran out and up the stairs, looking for Tamara.

It was five minutes before they all ran into each other at the very intersection Tamara had first seen Kiba. After quick introduction, though Lauren remained suspicious of this strange man even after accepting his help, they made their way out of the castle without further incident because of an underground passage Kiba knew of. If was longer still until they were safely out into the open air and looking down from the mountainside at the sweeping valleys below.

Kiba nodded his head to the left and after a closer look they saw a small bland colored airship hidden in some underbrush. Lauren and Tamara stared at it in complete wonder even though it wasn’t particularly large or grand; it was just the first time either had seen this technology up close! Such advanced things were rare in their world unlike the world of the Kingdom of Darkness as it was known there. They had brought the strange things like guns into this calm world. Guns, evil, and the dark clouds that hung over half the world; they brought chaos and warfare where most of the world had been friendly or indifferent of its neighboring countries and villages. Laruen’s fist clenched unconsciously just thinking about this evil race. They had to go!

Kiba had already run up to the airship and looked back at his companions. “Are you coming?” he asked and Tamara broke past her awe and ran after her. Hesitating a second and taking a cleansing breath to free the anger from her mind, Lauren finally followed.

The inside of the ship was…beyond words. Cabins lined the interior and the cockpit of the thing had stationary chairs, a huge window in front to see out of and consoles with levers and gadgets. For such a bland and outdated craft, the inner technology of it was mind-boggling. Kiba nodded at their expressions.

“My friend bought this piece of junk for cheap and-”

“What are you callin’ a piece of junk?!” snapped a rough voice. A young woman stepped from behind one of the consoles. Her skin was dark and her eyes small. She wore a turquoise tunic and her long reddish-brown hair was shoved back from her face with a band of cloth. She walked right up to Kiba and smacked him on the head. He stared at her, aghast.

“Don’t you go callin’ my airship junk! And you’re late!!” she snapped, but her eyes laughed at him. Kiba rubbed his head and made a face at the woman.

“Did you have to hit me so hard though?” he whined, seeing so at home here that Lauren and Tamara could only stand there, unsure of what to say. The woman just shook her head at him.

Kiba turned to the girls, a sheepish green his face. “Sorry about that. This is my friend Alura, she’s the owner and pilot of…” he trailed off and Alura continued the sentence.

“I’m the pilot of The Fortune, my ship here. I’ve been sailing these skies since I was smaller ‘en you!” she said, gesturing at Tamara, whose eyes went wide in awe. A twinkle came into Alura’s eyes and she moved to the front of the airship, sitting in the large chair before a main console, she rested her hand on a lever.

“You guys better sit down ‘cause here we go!”


that's the end of chapter one. should I post more? its kinda a LONG piece....

I like. I adore the relationship between Lauren and Tamera, I think you captured it beautifully. I think you did a great job giving a view of the characters and the story sounds like it's going to be quite an adventure :3

There were a few mistakes that the English teacher in me can't help but correct. Mainly just small typos. Just in case it will help I'll give you a few notes of things I noticed:

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

Lauren was the tool of anyone, just limitless power inside a body—a power that was designed to be used like a tool.

Using 'tool' twice like that is a bit repetitive.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

The guard smirked down at her, but as Laruen started to eat the guard realized that only one prisoner was eating.

Once again using 'eat' and 'eating' is repetitive. This is just a personal thing of mine but I think writing sounds much better if you avoid repetition unless used for emphasis. Also, I think there should be a comma after "Lauren started to eat,"

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

Down another hallway, past some doors, until the man eventually came to a staircase and looked both way,

You just forgot the 's' at the end of 'way'

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

Lauren bumped up against the opposite wall and stood there, frightened. Come on Tamara, I can’t wait much longer! She closed her eyes and wished she could somehow mentally reach out to Tamara and express her urgency.

It's a bit confusing if you don't set off thoughts because of the changing POV. The "Come on...much longer!" part should be in either in single quote of italics (or both) or bold or double quotes, etc. You can pretty much use anything just so long as it indicates that you're writing the character's thoughts. Once again, this is a personal thing. Even if you don't change it, it will still be recognizable as a thought I just think, for clarity, it would be best if you did.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

The guard back away, stumbling and gasping in fear.

Another small one. "back" should be "backed"

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

he whined, seeing so at home here that Lauren and Tamara could only stand there, unsure of what to say

"seeing" doesn't make sense here. I'm assuming you meant to write "seeming"

--

Sorry if all my little nit-picky comments annoyed you. I know it's all just small stuff but I love correcting! @[email protected] I'm a English Teacher at heart I guess. Anyway, like I said, it sounds like a fascinating story :3

thanks for the edits Jo, I have yet to do any editing of any kind after writing the story and I haven't even read it since i wrote it, so its full to typos and crap!

I suppose I should go and post more huh?

I'd love to read it if you do :3

I hesitate to post this since I'm thinking of editing the makeup of the angel world to fit with the later parts of the story, but whatever.

Chapter 2-

Tamara lay on her back on a bed in the room she was sharing with Lauren. She was alone for now and relaxing in total peace, still marveling that they were finally free. Her long dark brown hair spread out in a halo around her, accenting her pale skin. It had been so long, so long since she’d lain in a bed…

Her beautiful, dark colored wings caught the late afternoon sunlight so that they glowed in golden colors. Tamara smiled with her hair swinging free behind her as she flew for sheer joy. She was a good angel then and happy. The angel community on her home planet of Varun had such pride in her because it was foretold that her destiny would be great. And she was loved, so no one envied her this great blessing that was bestowed upon her.

It was ten years ago, when she was considered a small child by her people, that she first heard the voice. It was deep and velvety, sliding right down her spine and lodging in her heart. Every day it would speak to her just a little more and infatuated with this devoted new friend, Tamara told no one. Lucian, for that was his name, said they would take him from her and she could not bear the thought, so was his control over her. So when he said to fly to a cave hidden in the mountains, on late afternoon, she never hesitated, but took flight with a smile on her face. She was going to see Lucian! The thought filled her with such joy that she flew loop in the air. But Lucian was not what she expected at all. No, that creature that waited for her in the cave was no a caring man at all.

Tamara landed at the entrance to the cave, following the coordinate Lucian had sent her. “Hello?” she called, walking in with no fear or suspicion. She soon stopped, finding that after one fairly straight path, she was in a large cavern with no other exits that she could see. Candles hung in brackets along the walls and small wax candles lay in a large circle in the middle of the room. Now a sense of trepidation started to catch hold of her. This set up was far too ritualistic for her liking—and there was no Lucian to be seen

A faint rustling of cloth had her spinning around. A tall, handsome man with long black hair walked towards her from the shadows, a black cape swirling along the floor. He smiled broadly and opened his arms widely.

“Hello there my sweet Tamara. I have waited long to see you. Please do not be alarmed, I simply like the glow of the candles.”

Warmth surged through Tamara at the sound of the familiar voice, exactly like the one that spoke in her head, so warm and gentle. He was in her head, knowing exactly what to say to make her feel safe; that was his charm. All her fear melting away, she stepped forward and fell into Lucian’s arms.

“Oh Lucian! I’m so glad it’s you. It doesn’t matter if it a dark cave as long as I have you!” Tamara cried, hiding her face against his chest. Lucian wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back and smoother her long hair.

“Shush darling, Lucian is here now. There are no more shadows to mar your happy days.” Tamara’s lip trembled, he just felt too warm, as warm as his voice. No one could ever take her away from him! If they did she would—

Tamara looked up at Lucian, her eyes fearful again, afraid of these thoughts of hers. Her body was trembling, but with anger now. Was she this infatuated with Lucian? She looked down at herself in worry. Without saying a word, Lucian picked her up and carried her to the center of the room, moving some of the candles aside as he sat down, still holding Tamara in his arms. She looked up at her, her wide eyes looking for solace. He said nothing to her though.

“Lucian…?” she said shakily, tears starting to form in her eyes. She could feel him distancing himself from her and unease once again gripped her. Something terrible was happening to Lucian and she was afraid that something terrible was about to happen to her as well.

Lucian looking into her eyes for a long time, a slight stirring in his heart at those teary eyes. He wasn’t supposed to get attached to this girl, but he had been so close to her for so long and close to no one else that he was sure he would miss her innocent smile and wide eyes. He shook the thoughts away. He was doing this to help her, to be with her always wasn’t he? Yes…no one would ever leave his side again.

“…I’m sorry…” he whispered quietly and laid Tamara on the ground, standing slowly and walking out of the circle of candles. He placed back the ones he’d moved as Tamara looked at him, uncomprehending. She sat up, trying to go to him, but as Lucian started to chant, slowly raising his arms, she felt heavy and couldn't move. She could only stare at him and the regretful look in his eyes.

Then something started to change, the handsome form fell off of Lucian to reveal a shock-white skinned, scrawny man with large shining eyes and black leathery wings. His clothes hung limply around him and his now white hair flowed around his back in invisible currents of energy. He was still handsome in a way. This man was no longer human, but a creature of a race that once inhabited a far off world. He was native to the planet with no known name, the world that the Kingdom of Darkness originated from. Was he one of the Lords belonging to this plague that now spread over all the galaxies or was he just some lost man from a planet long forgotten and long ago destroyed? She didn’t have time to speculate more though.

A sudden pain shot all the way through Tamara and she fell onto her back, lungs gasping for air and body paralyzed. Lucian looked down at her laying spread out on her back and finally a slight smile came to his lips.

“Sweet Tamara, do no fear. We will never be apart from now on.” Lucian crooned. “There will be no way for you to leave me, no way to live without me because you will live for only me now!”He walked briskly towards her, confident now, the regret gone from his eyes. He shot out his hand, placing it over her heart and she cried out. Everything went black, inside her and out. She felt as if all of her insides were being filled with darkness and evil tendencies, spreading like a stain over her white soul. And she felt an instant connection with Lucian. She was in his mind and his soul, their hearts now much the same. Woozily she thought this must be what he meant by never leaving her. Then she passed out.

When Tamara came too, she was lying under a blanket in the sun. No, it wasn’t sun, but the moon she realized as she opened her eyes. She didn’t move as she glanced around trying to remember where she was and why she was here. This appeared to a cave entrance with the moon and starlight shining in. She turned her head slightly and saw Lucian, now back in his human form. He sat with his knees drawn up to his chest, his chin resting on them as he gazed out of the cave. He appeared so deep in thought that the silence around them seemed too much to break. Tamara just stared at him, things starting to click in her mind as she remembered all that had happened in this cave. Once again she was paralyzed with fear and she started to tremble as she looked at Lucian. Why did she want to go to him and whip that far-away look from it more than anything?!

Lucian turned to her suddenly, joy chasing away his distant look as he saw her. He stood quickly and moved to her side, feeling her head. “Are you alright, Tamara? You just fainted there; I was worried.”

She looked into his eyes and read that there was real worry. But she knew she hadn’t fainted. She remembered even if she didn’t understand what had happened to her. She just knew that Lucian had done it and even though she never once believed he intended to hurt her, she felt like he’d done something far worse.

“I remember what happened Lucian…” she whispered quietly, looking away from his worried eyes. All the joy fell out of his face. He just nodded silently.

“Does it still hurt?” he asked quietly. Tamara shook her head. Lucian nodded in relief. “I didn’t mean for it to hurt you, but things will be fine now…” he reached out a hand to her, almost as if he wanted reassurance. Unable not to, Tamara reached out her hand too and let him cover hers with his larger hand. Warmth flowed into her and she felt peace instill in her. He was sending her this peace and she began to realize how much more a part of her he was now. The scary part was, even though she knew her angelic soul had been blackened, she didn’t mind.

Ah beautiful, especially that last line. I like Lucian a lot. He's one of those characters that I can get a good picture of. I like that.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

She was alone for now and relaxing in totally peace, still marveling that they were finally free

Should be "totally in peace" or "in total peace"

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He was in her head, knowing exactly what to say to her feel safe;

You're missing the word "make" between "to" and "her"

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

Tamara’s lip trembled, he just felt to warm, as warm as his voice

I'm sure what you mean here but I'm assuming "to" should be "too"

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He looked down at herself in worry.

"He" and "herself" don't agree. This should either be "He looked down at himself" or "he looked down at her" whichever one you were intending.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He placed back the one’s he’d moved as Tamara looked at him, uncomprehending

"one's" means "one is" and I don't think that's what you meant here.

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

He was still handsome in a way, but no longer human, but a creature of a race inhabiting a far away world.

two 'but's in one sentence is awkward. Consider rewording this. I would suggest "He was still handsome in a way; no longer...." or make the "But a creature...." part a new sentence (taking off the 'but of course)

Originally Posted by Kat Dakuu

Was he one of the lord belonging to this plague that now spread over all the galaxies or was he just some lost man from a planet long forgotten and long ago destroyed.

"lord" should be capital. This is also a question and should end with a question mark.

--

I enjoy proofreading so much xD

Tamara stood alone and scared as the other angels quickly fled from her presence. She ran to her mother, wanting to be loved, but even her mother stared, wide-eyed as she sensed the blackness in her daughter. Tamara hesitated as she saw that in her mother’s eyes and then finally, her mother looked away from Tamara, in essence, separating them forever. Tamara turned and fled, returning to cry in Lucian’s arms. She was a beast, a horror to her own family and even as she cried and let herself be comforted but him, she started to resent Lucian for bringing this on her.

A council was called to decide the fate of this angel who was no longer pure and deserving of the city called Heaven. Though she had broken none of their laws, she had tainted her soul and only the pure were allowed to live inside the walls of the city safe from the elements of their planet. The punishment was exile. They chased her out and she ran from them right out of the golden gates that slammed behind her and left her in the world of blinding white rock and cliffs that fell away from the city a mile deep.

Lucian walked towards Tamara from the open space by the left of the gate, his hand outstretched. ‘Come with me’, he said to her, but for the first time since the day in the cave, she wanted nothing of him.

“This is your fault!!” Tamara shouted suddenly. Lucian blinked, taken aback, but he kept his arm outstretched, still expecting her to come with him. She kept yelling at him though

“I was normal! Everyone used to love me, but now it’s just you that does!” tears started to spring to her eyes as her face heated up with anger. “Are you really that greedy?!”

Lucian stared at her, his arm dropping limply to his side. “Hey now. Tamara, please don’t be this way. I did this for you!”

“NO!” she shouted and he fell silent at her tone. “This is what you wanted! You monster! I know what you are really and I’m going to find a way to turn you in!”

Lucian’s eyes narrowed, his face almost sneering. “You can’t turn me in to your angel friends,” he said, gesturing to the barred gates. “Look, you have no one else to run to so why don’t you just come with me,” his voice turning gentle and coaxing again. But Tamara was still angry and didn’t want to be comforted.

“You’re right; I don’t have anywhere else to go, Lucian. So I guess I’ll take my chances alone!!” She spread her wings and took off, spiraling through the sky and far away from heaven with Lucian in hot pursuit. That was how they spent the next few years, running and chasing. Full of anger and regret and Tamara filled with a grudge she would never let go of. Lucian had knowingly ruined her being and her life all for himself. It was something unforgivable!

Tamara woke up with a start, unconsciously curling up and hiding her head. She had been dreaming about him again, Lucian. That time ended so long ago; so long that she had almost completely put him out of her head. It seemed Lucian understood that while in prison she couldn’t come to him, so he filled her with the strength and resolve needed to survive the pull and need to be together. Today though, it was pain. Being away from Lucian, who had marred her soul with the personal darkness of his own, always preyed painfully and heavily on the heart, but she still could not bear to go back. It was habit now to run away and shut out his telepathic pleas without even hearing them. Such had their relationship become.

There was a knock on the door and Tamara sat up. Lauren cautiously pushed the door open and Tamara put on a smile for her. She knew Lauren worried over her and really she was grateful to have someone who would love and accept her. Lauren was like her big sister and Tamara didn’t want to worry her with the whole story of her past. No one knew just how deep she and Lucian ran…

“Are you awake now?” Lauren asked, tossing her a pair of clean cloths. “I got you something so get clean, silly!” Lauren’s smile broadened, just overflowing with sweetness. Tamara grabbed the clothes and smiled back.

“Alright. I’ll be ready in a minute!”

Okay, now you have me hooked. This is very good :3

thanks, and I'm actually reading over and editing it before I post now! I kinda had too since I looked back over it and and didn't know I wrote that stuff at all. hehe...woo short post because the rest of the chapter can't be split up!


~Chapter Three~

It was late afternoon the next day when they finally landed the airship outside a small village, nestled in the countryside some ways from the Black Mountains, as they were now called since the Black Kingdom made its home base there. Alura landed the airship easily and it left it hidden under the cover of some pines. It would take the jerks back at the prison probably until morning to realize they were all missing…or until the guard woke up, but that might be a while. Now though, they had plenty of time to pick up supplies, separate, and each disappear into the world.

The village was small with wooden windmills over small patches of farming land on the outskirts, and charming houses with children playing in the dirt streets further in. Lauren and Tamara followed behind Alura and Kiba although only Alura acted as if she’d been in area like this before. Lauren had been a city girl, growing up in a community home in another country and Kiba said he had lived his entire life inside the Black Kingdom’s domain. Alura was the only one who really traveled except for maybe Tamara, but the angel didn’t really talk about her past much unless asked directly. Lauren was the only person who knew most all of her story.

Alura took them to a small inn and chatted freely with the innkeeper. She then walked away from the counter and gathered the others to her.

“This is as far as I’m going to go with you. I arranged to have rooms for you here tonight, so you just hunker down in this village where it should be safe. Then shoo off to where you came from!” Alura offered them a crooked smile and a small wave before walking out the door without any further words. She was gone in a second, leaving them all just looking at each other, lost as to what to do now. None of them had planned past getting out.

Kiba gave a quick shrug and a wave after thinking for a second, saying, “Well, it was lovely escaping with you, but I’m going to go enjoy my newly found freedom. Farewell, perhaps we will meet again if fate allows.” He smiled, dark eyes twinkling, and then he was gone out the door as well. Lauren turned to Tamara, shrugging slightly.

“So what do you want to do Tammy?” she asked. The dark angel shrugged in return. They stood there for a second more, then Tamara grinned suddenly.

“Let’s go look around! Can we go play with the children, please?” She gave Lauren a bambi-eyed look. The larger girl’s face broke out into a wide smile as she bit back a giggle before grabbing Tamara’s hand.

“Yeah, let’s go, you silly girl!!”

And now I will post no more because this is where the plot picks up and I have no intentions of posting the rest of this chapter due to inappropriateness