Is This the End? ((Critique please))
 

In a large clearing in the center of the woods a great crowd had all converged. At one end of the clearing stood a massive stone chair, and on it sat a man. He was the one who lead his people to victory. He was the King of the werewolf's. They called this man Ulfric. Before him knelt two of his greatest worriers. Though still young in age, both possessed unparalleled fighting skills. The crowd roared and howled, filling the night air with rejoicing. Tonight would be a night the Children of the Moon would always remember. The king would make an announcement that would turn the war in their favor, and everyone was excited.
Ulfric stood and the crowd fell silent. "Stand now Jason Sherai and Strum Monlu,"he commanded with his arms outstretched to the two warriors knelt in front of him,"You have been selected to accomplish a task which none have faced before. You will seek out victory for us the Children of the Moon, None are more suited for this task than the two of you." He smiled down upon them as he spoke. These two had proven themselves far betond any warrior the kingdom had ever known. They were loyal beyond all doubt, and Ulfric knew they would be able to complete this task he had assigned them. "You must find the ancient ruins of the Elves and locate a crystal from within. Finding this crystal shall bring victory to us. It will allow us to defeat the wretches we have battled with for centuries. Return with the Crystal of the elves, and the two of you shall be rewarded beyond all you have ever known." Ulfric looked at the men with a serious expression plastered on his face and in his eyes. "Do you accept your task?" The wolf king asked the two men.
The younger of the two lifted his head to meet the kings gaze. " Yes My Lord. I accept this, most important of all tasks," He said with dignity and confidence.
Strum bowed his head again to Ulfric. "Yes, my lord,"he replied simply. He shifted into his wolf self and sat beside Jason. His eyes moved from the face of his king to his companion beside him. The boy was like a brother to Strum. After all, they had spent many years along side each other fighting for the same cause. If that did not make them kin, Strum had no idea what would.
"We leave when you are prepared," Strum told Jason with the authority of an older sibling.
Jason turned to Strum and answered,"I am ready to go whenever you are, brother"
The crowd began to roar and whoop again. The king raised his right hand to them and the crowd feel silent once more. "Go now, great warriors, claim are prize, claim our victory, and do not return until your mission is complete." Ulfric told Strum and Jason. For the last time, the crowd exploded in an uproar of yelling and howling.
Strum bowed his head again. "You can lay you trust in my brother and I, sire. We will return with this gem which will liberate our people from this war,"he said and then turned to Jason. "We must be off, brother. Let us take our leave," Strum stood upon his four legs, and led the way for their departure.

The Castle halls seemed vibrant as ever with the current mood. In the throne room the king stood, a silver blade in each hand, starring down at two young female warriors. They were the best fighters the human kingdom had to offer. Both of them had always followed his command unquestionably and without delay. Roderick believed there had never been more loyal subjects in the history of man.
Roderick, as the king was named, stepped toward two young women, and placed a blade on each of there shoulders, knighting them. He spoke to the women," Raine Cobbald, Jacklyn Mugen, I hereby grant you the titles of Knights of the Search, for you have been selected to perform the greatest task that this king has ever asked of his people. Take these blades forged of the finest silver, for your journey will no doubt bring you into the path of our enemies, but they should be no match for your skills." Roderick handed the swords to Raine and Jacklyn. He then motioned for them to stand and follow him to his throne. He sat down in his crystal embedded seat and finished his request,"You must find the treasure of the Elves, a mighty crystal which grants its bearer unfathomable power, and bring it back here. Do you understand what i have asked of you?"
" Yes m'lord," Jacklyn responded reverently to the king. She turned her head to look at Raine and awaited her responses.
Raine nodded her head."I do, m'lord,"she answered with all the respect a man of his status deserved. She turned her head to look at Jacklyn, and saw her looking back."We should head north, Jacky,"she told Jacklyn. Raine turned and moved toward the giant double doors which were the only way in or out of the throne room.
Jacky nodded to Raine and followed her to the doors."Why north, Raine?"she asked as they walked, pushing through the doors and emerging into the entrance hall. The hall was adorned with banners and decorative shields bearing the human crest, a white dove carrying an olive branch. All the warriors of the kingdom bore this emblem. It symbolized the peace that they hoped to follow the war.
As they walked she examined the blade the king had given her. It was the most beautiful sword she had ever seen in her life. The hilt was adorned with the olive branch and the wings of a dove. The blade was forged of the strongest silver the kingdom had to offer. Morning sun glistened through the windows and sparkled on the blade. The edge on it was impressively sharp, and Jacklyn pricked her finger when she touched it lightly. Luckily, it did not cut deep enoguh to draw blood.
Raine walked in the direction she had chosen, through the entrance doors and onto the marble steps which led into the castle. She paced herself as she drew nearer to the edge of town. Raine answered Jacklyn without turning around. "I believe the Elves were located up north before they disappeared. Hidden deep inside some forest." She stopped short of the town's exit, and turned to face Jacky. She held her sword up straight, so that it was directly in the center of her face. She studied it carefully, admiring the craftsmanship. "Our Lord, has entrusted us to end this war, and I plan to do just that," she told Jacky with a serious tone. Raine kept her eyes focused on the blade before her. "Are you prepared to leave, Jacky?"she asked her friend.
Jacky nodded," I see, that makes sense, and of coarse I am ready to go I have everything I need,"she said as she walked next to Raine, she always respected Raine both as a friend and a fighter. Jacklyn was glad to be on this quest with her. "I won't let you or the kingdom down,"Jacklyn told Raine as she turned to face what lay beyond the town. Empty land stretched on for miles. The nearest human village in that direction was four days away.
Raine smiled at Jacky and lowered her sword. She sheathed her blade and turned to face the direction she would be walking, standing beside her comanion. This would be the first time she left the kingdom since she was a small child. For once she would be searching for a way to end the war, not contributing to it. Raine did not like to fight, but she was good at it, one of the best in the kingdom. Her and Jacky were pretty well matched, although there were some times when Jacklyn won a sparring match or two, but Raine would never admit it. Raine could not have chosen a better partner for the long journey she had set ahead of her.

Isobel sat on the queen's right side. She was the queen's most trusted friend and confidant, and she never let anyone forget it. In fact, the queen had discussed with Isobel how she might go about this. In the end, they had both decided to announce it to the elite only. It was best, the agreed, to keep their intentions secret. And, of course, Isobel was one of those elite few, as was Vincente, who would be blessed with the ability to lay down their life for the good of her people and their queen.
Venda sat in her throne, her legs crossed so lady-like. "I have called you here today,"she began,"to tell of a relic which may allow us to defeat the canines and the warm bloods. There is said to be a charm the Elves used to keep peace in their time. I'm sure you have heard of such a thing." She said everything with vigor and influence in her voice. She was not one to be crossed. "The relic is said to have resurfaced, but we are unaware of it's exact location. It is your objective to seek out this charm and bring it back to me," she told the soldiers. All the elites listened and obeyed. Immediately they began to file out,all of them except Vincente and Isobel, plotting where to search for the long lost item.
Vicente remained in the room before his queen, though elite the others were, he knew full well that it would either be him or Isobel who found the relic. He sighed, then turned to face the Queen, "Milady Venda, Queen of the Night, I pledge my unbeating heart to you. I shall not fail you," he said with a bow.
Isobel glared at Vincente. It might have killed him if his heart had not ceased to beat many years ago. He was her only true competition, and she hated it. She knew she had the queen's favor, but that wasn't enough. She wanted to be the most powerful creature of the dark. her lust for power was apparent, however, it was why Venda chose her for her right hand. Her desire drove her to extents no other would dare go.
Isobel stood and bowed before Venda. "My queen and dearest friend, rest assured, it is I who will return with the trinket you seek," she said with determination. She then stood up, and turned to face Vincente. She drew her upper lip up so as to expose her canines, and snarled at him. "You need not interfere. You are only a second rate hunter," she told him fiercely.
Vincente smiled at Isobel." such ferocity is vary unbecoming of you, Isobel Ipsel. I merely wish to serve my queen to the best of my ability, and if to accomplish this I must aid someone as petty as you, then I shall do what I must. Since you so value your placement beside our lovely queen, I will not stand in your way. I will even aid you," he said smugly to her. He knew well that she disliked him. He also knew all she cared about was the queen and her oh so valued position at her side. Vincente had no desire to take that from her; he had other plans.
Isobel spoke venomously,"I do not need your aid. I will retrieve the stone, Vincente Valiera. You may accompany me, but do not mistake this as generosity. It is our Lady's wish that you do so." She gave Vincente a look not dissimilar to one a cobra might give to a rat before it attacked. She detested him with every fiber of her lifeless body. Isobel turned to Venda and bowed. "I will not return empty handed, m'lady," she told her.
Venda nodded,"I will patiently await your return, Isobel. Now both of you must leave. I want the crystal soon." With that said, Isobel rose to her feet and turned to leave the throne room.
Vincente smiled up at Venda"Yes milady," he said before turning to leave. He got his things together and made sure to stay near Isobel in case she tried to leave without him. He would not allow her to scurry off without him and claim the glory of the prize. They were partners in this, and he make sure Isobel knew that.
Isobel walked a few steps ahead of Vincente, just enough that he was in her shadow. She believed she was far better than him, and she refused to consider him her equal. She had grown up with him, and even though she was younger than Vincente, Isobel refused to be beaten. She hoped to some day take the queens place. After all, Isobel thought to herself, she is unwed and has no children. Venda needs someone to rule after her, and I should be the one to do so.
"The Elves resided in the North, and that is where we are headed. Do not fall behind. I will not wait for you," she informed Vincente, speaking to him as if he were a child.

Atah Zurheuh, queen of the Elves, stood above her subjects on a balcony, staring down a podium into the crowd. Shunta Alieda, Atah's right hand man and personal guard, stood out from the crowd. She waved her hand in motion for him to stand beside her. She had set aside a special task for him this evening. He above all had proven his fealty and devotion to her. Atah trusted Shunta above all others, and that is why she had chosen him.
Atah stood up straight and opened her arms as if to embrace the entire crowd. "Dear citizens of the Elven Faction, I bear news of great importance," she began. There was a tone of authority in her voice for which no one could mistake for arrogance. "Atah continued her speech,"It seems the warring factions of the world have discovered the existence our crystal. As I assume, all of you are quite aware of the disasters one may bring if using it for selfish gain." A grave yet powerful shadow flooded her eyes. "I have decided I will send a select few of you to infiltrate these factions. I will send a few of you to each faction. I expect full reports when I call upon you. You will be expected to do everything in your power to hinder their quest for power." She announced fifteen names; five elves for each faction. The elves stepped forward and proudly accepted their responsibilities.
When the queen finished with the men she had chosen, she stepped back from the podium and turned to Shunta. The crowd roared with enthusiasm as Atah stepped back. "I wish to speak with you. Follow me," she said as she made her way away from the crowd to a secluded area where she may speak with Shunta without the presence of unwanted listeners.
Shunta bowed low to her in a way which emanated his respect for his queen. "As you command, m'lady,"he submitted, and he followed her, without hesitation, away from the roar of the crowd behind him. She was their queen, and she always inspired such reactions from them. " What would m'lady have me do?"he inquired.
Atah stopped when she was sure she was out of earshot of any of the commoners. "Shunta, you are my most trusted soldier. That is why I have assigned a special task for you," she looked him in the eye to assure he understood this was important. She pulled a shiny gem from under her dress collar. It was a simple ruby attached to a chain. She removed it and held it out for Shunta to take from her. "This is the crystal the world will be seeking," she explained,"I wish for you to keep it safe from the clutches of those who wish to misuse it. I cannot hold it any longer. The people of the world would expect such a thing." She smiled a luminescent smile at Shunta. "Keep it safe, my friend." With that she turned and stepped into the crowd. She had disappeared.
Shunta took the crystal and bowed to Atah once more. "Your trust is not misplaced, my queen. I will defend this with all that I can and more. Rest at ease, m'lady," he reassured her, meaning every word. His skill could barely be matched by any Elf, save for the queen, and so long as he lived, he intended that no outsider would ever see the crystal.


Atah hid herself well among the commoners, tightly weaving in between them as she passed them by. She hurried to her castle as quickly as she could. Her light steps made no sound as she scurried up the cobblestone steps and passed the iron-wrought door. Gracefully, she moved up the stairs to her bed chamber. Tonight she would put her long, thought out plan into action. "With the stone in Shunta's hands, I can safely roam without the worry of losing my peoples' only defense," she thought as she pushed open the door which led into her chamber.

Pulling the key from the chain she attached to her wrist, Atah closed the door and slipped the key inside the slot in it, locking it behind her. She moved to her wardrobe and removed a hooded cape woven from the finest Elven blue silk, which she had obtained for this night. She dawned it, and pulled the hood above her head to conceal her identity. Only her own subjects, which she had sent to spy for her, would recognize her as the queen of the Elves.

Danger would definitely be an obstacle for her, but she believed it was time for the Elves to come out of hiding. Once all her soldiers were in place, she would speak with all three Faction leaders individually. She hoped she would be able to quell the fighting peacefully, before one destroyed or enslaved the other. "If only I had been there when the Elders decided to shield our people from the world," she thought to herself mournfully.
With one last look at her worldly possessions, Atah turned from her bedchamber and headed down the spiral staircase leading into the ebtrance hall. Through the double doors and down the cobblestone steps, she left behind her castle and her people. Atah knew the risk, but with her responsibilities to her people and the world in the front of her mind, she left the shelter of the Elven wood. The queen left behind her people, her home, and Shunta.

Thanks. I noticed some of the errors after I posted it. I must have skipped over them when I checked it. I'll do a better job with the final product.

this is really good. i think i know what the third group of people are but i am not sure. can you let me know please.

They are human.

Well, I see that Xaef already pointed out that there are grammatical and spelling errors, but would it be possible for you to go through them now (even just with Word's basic spell-check. Do you have Word?) and re-post? When I do my critiques, I tend to go line by line and I feel like I'm just working so hard to get the little grammar and spelling issues that I'm not catching anything plot or character related.

As far as specifics in grammar:
-When you work with dialogue you seem to neglect a space between the comma and quote.
There, for example. It's not the biggest issue in the world, but it happens frequently throughout the piece.

-You sometimes seem to have an extra space between quotes and the dialogue.
This doesn't seem to happen as often, but I figured I'd point it out anyway.

-You also seem to use commas at the end of dialogue instead of a period, exclamation point, question mark or any other form of sentence ending.
I'd only use a comma at the end of dialogue like that if the dialogue isn't finished. Since it is, I'd put in a period.


In general, I suggest double spacing between some of your paragraphs. While it’s not necessary on Word, on the internet it tends to look better. Without double spaces text tends to look like a giant wall and it’s a little daunting.

I was also curious as to why Jason and Jacklyn had such modern names compared to everyone else. Is that a plot element?

I'm writing it with a friend. Those are his characters, so he named them. SO are Shunta and Vincente.