Read and critique please!
 

I wrote this a while ago for a creative writing assignment in school. Just want to know what you all think....and don't even think of stealing- I have iron rods just waiting to get used...:evil:

Anyways- here it is ^_^; Feel free to mock my grammar if necessary.

Winter was a man always smiling- even over the simple call of a bird, the laugh of a child, the wind on his face, and especially in the presence of a lady. His happiness always seemed slightly out of place and awkward, you never missed it. The man’s overflowing personality was all-encompassing to those it chanced to grace; the few who knew him even considered the thought that he was really an angel trapped in a man’s form. Despite all the kindness and overspill of affection he spread about, no one knew more than the simple fact of his supposed first name. No one knew that smile could die, and they knew even less of what happened beyond the walls of the great garden he inhabited- save for his lady, of course.

Stretched out across a divan he stares dazedly at the ceiling now, his eyes were vacant and yet the slight upturn of his lips that represented a smile still remained. Calm and at peace would have been perfect words to describe the moment if it weren’t for a small cup filled with tea that was floating in midair about five feet away. Nothing was there…at least not to most. Through the eyes of Winter there most certainly was something- we just know not what. Really it was likely to be his mind playing tricks on him, but how would one know the difference? Moving around uncomfortably, the black haired young man folds his legs up against his chest in an awkward display of long limbs and angles.

He mutters shyly, “Please silence yourself and leave, the lady will be here soon.” His eyes were glaring just beyond the cup, the stormy-blue irises glowing. The smile was still plastered on his face, but the expressions painted across the rest of him voiced his displeasure. The tea cup bobs slightly and floats down to the table in front of the divan, clacking lightly on the wooden surface. Winter twirls his long braid between his fingers trying to distract himself and requests of the nonexistent figure, “Yes, thank you- now kindly leave.” His smile wavers for a moment s the cup suddenly lunches itself from the table and sails into a nearby wall, shattering instantly upon the terracotta toned stone.

Effectively upset, Winter pouts and growls, “Well that's not very nice at all.” In a sweeping fluid motion he brings his arm around the back of the divan to gesture at the heavy, partially barred, front door. His smile completely dead he hisses, “Get out.” The words were cool; literally so, as little clouds of icy breath spiral from his lips. A matter of seconds pass where he remains like this, staring down a figure not there, until finally he seems to snap out of the daze to the realization he was indeed the one who threw the cup. Puzzled and alarmed he laughs at himself nervously and stands up, hurrying away from the room.

In a panic he enters his study and begins frantically rubbing his hands up and down his white dress-shirt as if they were coated in blood. He jams his eyes shut, biting his lip and coming close to letting his voice crack as he calls out, “Miss Falcon!” Winter looks about distraught for a moment, then hurries over and sits down in a large captain's chair placed near a gigantic bookshelf spanning all four walls off the room. Holding himself steady, he sets his jaw in and swats at a book as it floats by, releasing something like a cry of exasperation. “MISS FALCON-!” he jerks his legs up into the chair, once again taking up his angled awkward pose; this was his odd attempt at regaining his composure.

The more frenzied he grew, the more objects started flying about the room, many crashing into other things and thus only making it worse. Elsewhere in the house a door opens and in enters a young and beautiful blond woman with lilac eyes. She was dressed in a flowing royal blue dress that seemed to move like water as she walked; and around her neck she wore a black ribbon that held a pendant with a strange eye engraved upon it- the same insignia was upon many of the things within Winter's home. Calmly she enters into the study, and sighing she crosses her arms, “What in God's name are you doing?” The objects hovering roundabout the room all drop instantly to the floor and Winter looks over at her, tilting his head to the side as would a puppy.

“Miss Falcon, I-I'm sorry...” he turns his eyes down sheepishly, clearly embarrassed, and slowly places his feet back on the floor, trying to return some sanity to the situation. The woman shakes her head ever-so-slightly and comes to sit on the arm of the chair.

“You've worked yourself all into a fit again,” her voice was not silken, nor smooth, nor anything of the like, but it was- in its own way- beautiful and lovely. It was, as Winter often thought, Dripping with golden beads of words. “Shall we go walk the garden?” She asks, hesitating long enough for him to nod slowly, his unusually pale cheeks still flushed with a rosy burst of color.

Taking up his hands in hers she leads him back through the house and out a side door into the color-bursting garden surrounding the house. Narrow stone paths wound their way through the plant life- all at some point having been created or cultivated by Winter's hands. His demeanor gradually softened into the peaceful contentment Miss Falcon knew he held within himself, but no matter what she would do, he would not smile until he was doing it in his awkward nervous habit. She smiles inwardly and looks about the large flowering trees that formed a tunnel, raining pink and white petals.

“You can stop any time you'd like,” she says it carefully to let him know she isn't upset. Glancing down to her heart-shaped face he blinks, looking almost completely serious and blank. Lifting his hand he makes a fist and the petals of the trees discontinue their falling the buds evanesce into mist along with them, leaving the green-black leaves that were common during summer. The woman closes her eyes, allowing Winter to simply lead her happily through the forest.
Smiling openly again the petals burst back to life and flutter around them once again, for the moment, he was happy. “Alurien-” he addresses her hesitantly, afraid to use her name.

“Yes, Winter?” her eyes remained closed in calm contemplation.

“How long will they keep me here?” His eyes seemed much older now, the blue nearly faded.

Miss Falcon opens her eyes now and answers softly, “We'll figure something out, don't you worry.” The answer was unfulfilling. He sighs knowing this paradise he had created was still his prison, but, on the bright side, at least there was Miss Falcon. Smiling despite it all he stares off, creating a series of perfectly white petals to blow into Alurien's hands.

“I try not to.” There was calm externally, but inside his mind, and through his eyes, he could see the shadows walking...all of them walking without notice of eachother, yet all acknowledging him. He shudders and grins to hide the fear, “I don't mind waiting.”

-mock mock mock-
No, I jest. Your grammar really isn’t that bad and certainly not detrimental enough to hurt the story. (There is a tense issue, but I’ll talk about that after the crit.) There were only a couple things I noticed that were really related to technical grammar.

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I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

The tense seems to randomly change from past to present here.

I understand you’re going for a sense of puzzle and mystery about Winter here, but I feel this sentence over does it a little. I think if you drop it the whole paragraph will seem less ‘in your face’ about how mysterious he is.

I love the image this creates. There’s another tense change here, though.

Are his blue irises glowing or are there floating irises beyond the cup?

Another tense shift to present.

Tense change.

‘as the cup’, yeah? Just a tiny typo.

And here it goes from all being present, back to past with ‘puzzled and alarmed’. I think I’ve made my point about it though, so I’m not going to mention it again unless it really confuses me about what’s actually happening.

Meaning that he is distraught for a moment or that his look is distraught?
If it’s the first, which I think it is, I’d add a comma after ‘about’ to smooth the sentence over.

I really like that his awkward sitting is his comfort zone (I do something like that too, actually), but I don’t think you need this part of the sentence. Let us (as the readers) figure out why he does it. It makes ‘interacting’ with the character more fun, and therefore more fun to read.

Does this mean that Miss Falcon is currently walking through the house to get to Winter, or that she is walking into the study? I’d drop this and just describe her as she came into the room.

I’d drop this into it’s own paragraph since she’s begun to speak.

I think the sentence would have more of a punch if you cut out one of the two adjectives; either ‘beautiful’ or ‘lovely’. I like the rest of the sentence though.

There isn’t anything actually wrong with the sentence. But I think ‘the garden bursting with color that surrounded the house’, might be better than ‘color-bursting’. But that’s a personal preference, so it’s totally your call.

This confused me a little. Whose smiling and whose not smiling? I felt like there was a lot of ‘he’ and ‘she’ and ‘smiling’ all over the place in the paragraph and it threw me off.

Your ellipses after ‘walking’ need a space to show that ‘walking’ and ‘all’ aren’t supposed to be part of the same word.
Also, ‘each other’ is two separate words. Tiny typo.

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You seem to have some issues with tenses. Sentences switch back and forth between past and present tense and the piece a little confusing. I can still tell what’s going on, but I can’t tell when. I crit’d the piece assuming you would want past tense, as is the norm for most fiction, but you could theoretically change it all to present if you want too. Basically, I think it would just be best served if it was one or the other.

If you are really having trouble with figuring it out, tell me which tense you want (past or present) and I will point out the places you need to switch it up. =]

I really liked the story over all and I would like to know more about Winter. I hope you write more about him!

I like it!!!! I've never really read aything from an omniscient pov. Very inspirational. Um... i think u should more. If u do explain the floating things! I thought that was cool tho!!! I like floating things, escpecially cows. Also, since you r writing from an omniscient pov, u should show the conversation he is having with the cups/ other thingies! erm ya.... good job, plz read mine !!
http://www.menewsha.com/forum/art/li...pe-u-like.html

lol thanks for the picking on my tense of everything. ^^; and I haven't looked at this particular piece in months, so I'm sure it needs a good work-over (even more than what you specifically brought out).

And the story's supposed to be in an omniscient perspective...and isn't really supposed to make a complete lot of sense. I know I need to fix it. XD A lot.

It's relatively in the "now," but I couldn't figure out other ways to describe things without using some words in the past tense. lol I have to look at it all over again now and fix it...my knowledge hath grown since high school! I haven't actually read it in quite a while. ^^ The "a" key on the keyboard didn't like me either. XD

Thanks for the critique!