Story could be better. Help is appreciated.
 

I was walking through the desert trying to find my way home, I realized that dehydration was setting in. I kept walking until my legs gave out, tired from exhaustion I sat on the sand while leaning against a rock. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep, when I finally woke the sun was setting. I stood and the continued walking until I found the road. In the distance, I saw the image of a god driving away from me down the street. I could not help but gaze in wonder at this magnificent being. I called out to this god many times, but he never heard me.

This wasn't the first time I had had this dream. It seemed like I was having it every other night. And every morning I would wake up sweating. But I still didn't know who the god like stranger was. I wanted the dreams to stop and maybe if I find the guy they will.

I walked to school that morning trying to clear my head. I had zoned out for a bit when I heard the motorcycle coming up behind me. I figured the rider was on their way into town. The school was only about another block up the road. I was surprised when they pulled into the school parking lot and parked among the student vehicles.

He dismounted the bike and proceeded to remove his helmet. As he removed his helmet, I was aware that this was the creature that had been in my dreams for so long. I was in awe after seeing that my dream figure was a living person. I also noticed his finely carved muscles under his shirt. I wanted to see beyond the muscles, I wanted to really know who this person was, and what was the mystery behind those captivating brown eyes? I decided that now was the time to act, to stop just staring at him and do something to catch his attention.

Just as I started walking towards him, I realized that there was a girl with him. And not just any girl, but Becca, the sluttiest girl in school. She was all over him like ketchup on a hotdog. He was all over her too. They couldn't stop making out. At one point I thought I might puke, but I knew that wasn't a good way to get his attention. I decided to look away, when just then Joe approached me.

As Joe got closer to me, I happily realized that even though Becca and Taylor were still making out, Taylor looked over at me. Out of the blue, Joe hugged me and held me close for quite a while. That prolonged hug, was all it took to infuriate Taylor. I watched as he stormed off and left Becca standing on the sidewalk near his bike. The look on Becca's face was unbelievable, whoever thought that Becca, the definition of beauty, would get tossed like that. Becca had then gone the same way he had, looking like a lost puppy.

I finally got Joe to stop hugging me, as I pulled away he looked sad. I just happened to glance at my watch and realized that the bell would be ringing in less than a minute. As I hurried to class, I saw Becca's dismayed look. I couldn't help but smile as I passed her. Of course I knew she'd get over it and move on like she always did. I finally made it to class and right next to my seat was none other than Taylor himself.

“Do you like nerd boy or are you just trying to mess with me?” He was standing pretty close to me at this point.

“I don't know what you mean” replied Liz. Taylor just kinda growled and walked to his seat. I smiled to myself thinking that he did notice me after all. I also smiled realizing that I had made him jealous.

When class ended Taylor was out of his seat and out the door as soon as the bell rang. I went to my locker to ready myself for next class. I heard a locker slam loudly down the hall from me. I looked toward the source of the noise and there stood Taylor looking ready to kill. Then I did what he never expected. I kissed full on, letting it last seconds before I pushed him away and left him. No doubt that will give him something to think about. Sure enough it did, as I rounded the corner I saw he still stood where I left him. A surprised and stunned look appeared on his face.

“Always leave them wanting more” I thought to myself as I entered 3rd period.

Saying I was in love with a bad boy was an understatement. I had fallen hard for him. I never would have thought the love of my life would be so intimidating. Not to mention I was probably not the type of girl he normally dated.

When I look into his dark brown eyes I immediately know two things. One that I should have been scared for my life, and two that I was deeply in love with him. I could never hope that he will ever come to live someone as plain as me. Nothing about me was beautiful; I was as plain as white bread.

He probably thought I was crazy for staring at him so long. But, something about him just caught and held my attention. His tousled brown hair enhanced his magnificent brown eyes. Together with his flawless tan skin gave him the appearance of a god. He was like one of those underwear models you'd want to be with day and night. Every action he made only made him more irresistible.

When he finally looked at me, the intensity of his gaze mesmerized me. I knew I should look away but it was like I couldn't. A girl walked over to him, and whispered something in his ear. Whatever it was made me jealous. Later I realized that the girl was his sister, Angie. Whatever she had said to him got his attention and then he left.

I hadn't seen him the rest of the day but he was on my mind the whole time. He was supposed to be in my 7th hour class but today was different. He wasn't there like usual, but did Angie have anything to do with it this time. Angie was gone too, that wasn't normal for her. Could they be together? After all, Angie and Taylor were as different as night and day. So they couldn't be together could they?

After the day was done, Taylor tried to surprise me by offering me a ride to my house. I was going to accept but just then Joe came along. He gave me another prolonged hug and a swift kiss on the lips. This infuriated Taylor till no end, he left without a word. I pushed Joe away when I knew Taylor was no longer looking.

Joe told me that he had always felt something special for me. That he always has loved me. This irritated me, because I knew that as bad as Taylor tried to act I knew that I was deeply in love with him. When I told Joe how I felt about about Taylor his usual smile was gone, replaced with a confused look on his face.

"What do you see in that juvenile delinquent?" he asked.

“Everything.” I left then trying to not think of what I did to Joe. I walked home. About five hours passed, I heard in the distance an odd snarling noise.

I carefully walked outside, to find out what the snarling and ripping noises came from. When I got to the edge of the clearing, all I managed to see were dark brown eyes. I thought my imagination was playing tricks on me so I blinked and they were gone. Those eyes look familiar, I thought to myself. She never saw Joe's broken corpse lying on the ground. I returned to the house trying to figure out those eyes.

School the next day seemed kinda quiet. Joe hadn't greeted me that morning like he normally did. That worried me, but what also worried me was not being able to recognize the dark brown eyes from last night. I was sure that Joe was sick or something, no need to worry. Was I ever so wrong.

During first period everyone was herded into the auditorium for a presentation. I ended up sitting by myself since Joe wasn't here today. I glanced toward Taylor's crew but he wasn't with them. Chief of Police, Kevin Myers stepped up on stage after the principal's introduction and started his presentation.

"Something grave happened late last night. We are still not sure of what happened, but there is some evidence of foul play. My son, Joe Myers is missing. Blood was discovered where he was last scene, as well as nail marks." This got me thinking about the snarling from last night, all I remember seeing was a flash of dark brown eyes as the lightning struck. As I heard chief Myers, I thought that the blood and nail marks could only have been caused by bears or even wolves. I stopped thinking about all of this, when Chief Myers finished his speech by saying that we need to be careful around dusk.

I never thought to mention to Chief Myers the stuff I heard and what I saw last night. Of course I wasn't exactly sure that I had really seen anything. I was still sure that whatever happened in that clearing last night was nothing more than an animal fight.

With that, the Chief's announcement was over. Everyone well almost everyone shuffled to class. I was curious though, while the announcement was going on neither Angie or Taylor were present. I decided to skip class this time to see if I could figure out what they were up to. I walked to my car and left the school grounds and headed to Taylor's mom's house. When I got there, I was surprised to find that it was deserted; no one was there. This deeply worried me still further. Where had they all gone too?

I wasn't sure what to do now. I thought about heading back to school. Time to do a little detective work, I decided. I noticed the woods behind the house and decided maybe that would be the first place to look. The further I went into the woods, the more I noticed that there was an increasing number of nail marks on the tree trunks. Exactly the kind of marks I remembered seeing the night before. That intensified my curiosity and made me walk even deeper in the woods. I eventually found a trail of dried blood near a cave opening.

I carefully entered the cave not knowing if an animal was living here. If so was said animal in here currently. With great caution I walked slowly through the cave ready to throw the rock I held in my hand. The farther into the cave I went I heard someone or something breathing. My pace quickened hoping to find Taylor or even Angie. Who I did see shocked me.

It was none other than Joe Myers... some of his clothes was ripped to shreds, but he was still alive! I hurried over to Joe, stunned to find him here of all places. I started talking to him to find out what caused him to come here, and more importantly who or what did this to him. He was a little unresponsive at first. But, eventually he managed to wake up and hug me. I hugged him back out of relief to him alive.

“We need to get you home Joe.” I said as I tried to help him up. He agreed to go home. I helped him walk towards my car and together we drove to his house. Along the way, he asked me how was I able to find him. I felt shifty about telling him the truth knowing that if I did, I might end up hurting him.

“After the speech your father gave this morning I decided to come look for you.” I thought about asking him about what had happened to him but I wasn't sure how much if anything that he might remember. I do so anyway.

“What happened to you?” I asked him keeping my eyes on the road.

“I remember walking over to your house, and then the next thing I knew was that I was being attacked by this creature... I wasn't able to see what is was. I was hit on the head, and next thing I knew I was in that cave you found me in.”

"Now that you mention it, I remember another creature it was silver or gray. I can't be sure my vision was blurry, but I think whatever that thing was it saved me from the other creature that attacked me."

I started to think to myself, 'Of all the people I know who had the biggest reason to attack Joe? Of course Taylor! He was fuming mad when Joe kissed me. It had to have been him! I guess Taylor hit Joe so hard that it left Joe thinking that some kind of beast attacked. But wait, who would go out of their way to stop Taylor? Joe said that something silvery helped him. Of course, Angie. She will always try to stop her brother when he got really mad, it all kind of made sense now.'

Secretly I thought that Joe might be a little confused, I did notice how his head had a noticeable bruise. I thought about taking him to the hospital but I wasn't sure how I would have explained the bruise and his other wounds.

I pulled into Joe's driveway and turned the car off. We sat there in silence for a bit. His dad hadn't come home yet so it would be a bit easier to get him inside without too much trouble. What followed next was an awkward silence, so I decided to at least let him sleep. I sat there watching him for a bit before pulling my bag out of the back seat. I quietly worked on some of the homework I had actually been at school to get.

I was alert and surprised when Joe started to talk in broken sentences. He said all sorts of crazy things, but then he mentioned Taylor. Hearing that confirmed what I thought had happened. I felt pity for Joe now, but despite how Taylor left Joe, I still loved him.

When Joe woke after talking a little in his sleep, I helped him into the house and into his room. I made sure he was settled before I headed home. I had asked if he wanted me to stay but he said he would be fine once he took a shower and got changed. I took his word for it and headed home. I hoped that my mom wouldn't be too angry when the school called to tell her of my absence earlier today.

I pulled into my usual parking spot next to the garage. I made my way into the house the garage and noticed that neither of my parent's vehicles were there. This meant I was home alone. I threw my bag into my room and scoured the fridge for something to eat. I also checked the answering machine for a call from school. It was there. I listened to it then deleted it. No need for my parents to know about my little unscheduled field trip.

I was sitting in the living room watching a bit of TV when the doorbell rang. I went to answer the door and Angie was standing there waiting. I was a little surprised to see her on my doorstep.

“Can I help you?” I asked still trying to figure out why she's here.

“Yeah you can help me by staying away from Taylor. You may not know it but bad things seems to happen around him so you'd be safer to stay away.”

“What do you mean?” I had to know what she meant.

“Just trust me.” she said as she walked away.

“Well that was weird.” I said to myself before closing the door and returning to the living room. This recent conversation had me a bit confused and left me with some unanswered questions that I wasn't sure who to ask about them. I laid down on the couch to watch TV for a bit and before I knew it I had fallen asleep.

I was awoken several hours later by my parents returning home. Dad had worked late and mom had a few stops to make before she came home from work. I finished my homework while mom fixed supper. We sat at the dining room table and ate quietly. I was thinking about what Angie had said earlier.

I returned to my room after supper and thought about Angie's appearance here earlier today. What did she mean by 'bad things happen around him'? Was she referring to his bad boy ways? If so why had she come to warn me? Had she also warned Becca too then? I decided to try to stay away from Taylor for a while.

OK so staying away from Taylor hadn't gone too bad the first week. I spent most of it helping Joe with his homework from the few days he missed at the beginning of the week. I should have seen that this was a bad move for the start. Joe was always trying to kiss me. It was like having an annoying puppy that won't listen when you scold it. It's not like I had intended to find him in that cave. It just happened, my curiosity got the best of me.

From then on, I saw less and less of Taylor and that worried me deeply. Angie's warning still rang in my head. During lunch one day, I was sitting with Joe and happened to glance toward Taylor's usual lunch table. He was there, and surprisingly looking sad and alone. Now I was feeling kinda bad for ignoring him these last few days. But it was more Angie's fault than my own. I couldn't keep this up much longer.

Turns out I didn't need to. Taylor got up from his usual spot and walked across the floor over to me. I had no idea, of what he wanted to talk about, but looking at his grave face I could only imagine. For some strange reason I stood up as he got closer to the table. But I sat back down, noticing the urgency in his eyes. I sat quietly till he was right in front of me.

"Sorry about what happened the other night, I lost it I was out of control.” He just looked at me for a minute before saying it. For a second or two, I was completely mesmerized by his voice. I was unable to make sense of his apology.

When I finally came to my senses I wasn't sure what to say in response. Before I was able to say anything, he left. I mentally scolded myself and decided to go after him. At the pace he walked, it would be really hard to catch up with him. I managed though. I told him that it was not me that he should have apologized to but to Joe.

With that Taylor's eyes flashed in anger, he retorted , “You want me to apologize to that filthy excuse of a human?"

"Well yeah that was the plan. What do you have against humans considering you are one?"

Taylor replied, "There are so many things that you don't know. It is best if you never found out."

"What is it with you and Angie telling me its better if I don't know things? What are you two so intent on hiding?" I said before walking back to the cafeteria and sat back down next to Joe and finished my lunch. I went about my day like I had before Taylor. Angie had been right I was better off staying away from him.

For weeks, I tried to stay away from Taylor. One nagging question kept on coming back. What were they so intent on hiding from me? Even if he didn't, I still had a good chance of finding out what he was so intent on hiding.

At lunch, Joe and I sat at a table near Taylor and his friends. Stalking Taylor was not one of the things that I thought would be really easy. I managed to overhear the conversation, it was all about girls that they already had sex with and they were compiling a list of the best of those girls. Of all the guys that I managed to hear, I was surprised to find that Taylor did not talk at all. It looked like he was lost in thought.

I wondered what he was thinking about. Little did I know that I was soon going to find out. Once the school day was over, I continued to watch Taylor. I sat in my car and watched him while he was standing in the parking lot with his friends. Eventually they all left, leaving Taylor alone. I decided to stay put because after all he was not going to tell me what I wanted to hear. I sat and watched him for a while. Then he seemed to have disappeared.

Since I was so intent on following him, I followed the trail he left behind. Thankfully, it was nightfall by then so it was easy to hide in the shadows. After a few minutes of following the trail that Taylor left behind, I noticed that I was in the same clearing as the other night. What I saw next, I couldn't believe. Taylor standing in the middle of the clearing and with a sound of pain, he phased into a wolf.

It was not until then that I realized many things, Taylor was a werewolf, but more importantly he had started to care for me. Knowing this now, I walked up to him thinking as I walked that I did not care about his past, that I was here and that I was not afraid of him. Once I finally reached, I held his muzzle softly and looked at the dark brown eyes of the wolf, knowing without a doubt that this was Taylor, my Taylor.

Still gently holding his muzzle, I let him know that I knew everything now. That I was here with him, that I was not scared of him and finally that I loved him. I kneeled in front of him gently petting his head. In return, he layed his head across my lap. He stared into my eyes, saying more than what words could ever say. I smiled at him, knowing that finally I was able to say that I was Taylor's and he was mine. I just sat there for a while enjoying his company.

I don't know what had gotten into me but I suddenly felt sleepy. I layed down beside Taylor in his wolf form and fell asleep. While I was asleep he changed into his human form and carried me to another area of the woods. He put me down in a soft bed of leaves and let me sleep for a while longer.

When I awoke, he had a small campfire started. He was also walking around shirtless. I couldn't keep myself from looking. His jacket was covering me to keep me warm.

“Sorry for falling asleep.” I said as I wiped the sleep from my eyes.

“It's fine.” He came over and sat beside me. We just sat there for a while and watched the fire burn.

ok thank you.

that is good. is there more to the story?

Not as of right now. I've thought about adding to it but I'm not sure where to go from here.

Hello there! I hope you’re still checkin’ up here.
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There doesn’t really seem to be anything holding these two sentences together. I suggest making them each their own.

Interesting, but why? Show us (the readers) how she realizes it. I know her legs give out in the next sentence, but depending on the severity of the dehydration there can be so much more than that. Is she just starting into dehydration? Or is it getting brutal? Is her tongue swelling? Is she so dehydrated she can’t sweat? If you’re going to bring up dehydration, you should play with it more.

I think these should be two separate sentences too. After ‘out’ I think the first sentence can end. Otherwise it’s something of a run-on.

Another sentence I think can be cut in two. This one after ‘asleep’.

A very interesting thing, but why? I know it’s a dream, but there has to be something that’s calling her to this figure? His Adonis-like stature? Is he glowing? Is there simply something in her chest pulling her towards him?

‘god-like’. Without the hyphen it looks more like a half-made simile than an adjective.

Again – why? Why is she disturbed by the dreams? Or is she just tired of them? A lot seems to be happening when you write, but the reader doesn’t really have any insight to it. Insight is especially important when it’s a first-person narrative.
Also, you start in past tense and move to present. Instead of ‘they will’, it should be, ‘they would.’

I feel like there should be some kind of break here. It’s a scene shift, so maybe an extra space or some such?

This feels a little repetitive. I think you could replace it with something like “As he did” since you just stated that he was taking off his helmet.

[quote=LunaBlack720]
I decided that now was the time to act, to stop just staring…
I think the comma should be a semi-colon and that ‘just’ can be dropped.

‘sluttiest’ isn’t really a word, we just use it in comma speech. You can get away with it since this is first-person, but I suggest changing it to something like ‘slut of the school’ or something along those lines.

Was this line supposed to be funny? Because I laughed. I don’t know if you’re going for humor in this, since you haven’t really made any other jokes in the piece.

I don’t really understand what this has to do with Joe getting closer to her. It seems kind of needless to state.

You need to establish at some point that motorcycle-man is named Taylor. You kind of throw his name at us without actually telling us who Taylor is or how she suddenly knows his name.

So, wait, this Taylor (who I’m assuming is the motorcycle-man) is making out with Becca and is suddenly upset because Joe (who I assume is a friend) hugged the main-character?
I… I’m a little confused? Why does this guy even give a hoot? I wasn’t even under the impression they even knew each other. If they did, why was the main character so surprised to see him at school?

Who? Is Liz the main character? You need to tell us who people are before you toss names at us. Also, since this is first person, instead of ‘replied Liz’, it should be something along the lines of ‘I said in reply’.

Just like ‘slutiest’, ‘kinda’ isn’t a word. You can get away with it, but I wouldn’t recommend it. ‘Kind of’ would really be better.

When did we establish that she even knows Taylor? It almost seems to me that she just kissed a guy who is perfectly fine with Becca, a known slut, out of the blue and with no reason. On top of that, I still wasn’t under the impression she’d known Taylor for longer than today.
Maybe it’s just me, but that seems like an atrociously bad idea.

Since this is a thought, you probably shouldn’t use the same tags you use for dialogue. Instead, I suggest either italicizing it or using single quotes.

You randomly switch from past tense to present tense here. Watch out for that.

Again, are you going for humor? I really can’t be sure.

I’d drop the ‘but it was like’. Really, she either she could or she couldn’t.

There should be a comma before ‘but’.

There should be a comma before ‘but’.

Instead of a period, a question mark would make it easier to read.

Why not? They may not be at all alike, but they are related. So I don’t really understand why they couldn’t be together. Are they living with estranged family or something?

Another comma before ‘but’.

I think you should really explain what the relationship between these two are. It kind of seems like Joe is all over the main character (Liz?) for absolutely no reason? Are they going out? Are they friends? Is he a total creeper?

Instead of ‘till’ I think you meant ‘to’. “This infuriated Taylor until no end” doesn’t really make much sense.
I think the comma should be a semi-colon.

There is an extra ‘about’ in this sentence.

This scene shift comes so suddenly and without any introduction that it’s rather jarring. I suggest adding some more transition in.

You’ve either got to tell this story to us in first person or in third. Switching back and forth for the sheer sake of explanation doesn’t really work. I’d drop this sentence. Let us find out when the main character does.

‘kind of’

I think you should end this sentence with a question mark or move ‘was’ after ‘I’:
“I was ever so wrong” or
“Was I ever so wrong?” or even
“Was I ever wrong.”

A comma before ‘but’.

This is his son he’s talking about. You might want to add something in about how distraught the chief sounds about this. Otherwise, you might change it so that the man speaking is not Joe’s father.

‘chief’ should be capitalized.

Since Chief Myers’ name isn’t mentioned in the sentence ‘Chief’ should not be capitalized. You only capitalize titles like that when the name is mentioned directly afterwards.

You need to separate ‘well almost everyone’ off from the rest of the sentence.
“Everyone, well almost everyone, shuffled…’

Why? Here’s another part where I feel like there should be some explanation. What made her decide to check the forest rather than, I don’t know, ask his friends or something like that?

There should be a comma after ‘If so’ and I’d change the period to a question mark.

Instead of ‘was’ it should be ‘were’.

‘is’ should be ‘it’.

I guess I can see the logical that equates ‘Taylor’ to ‘must be beast’, but how did we go from ‘silver animal’ to ‘Angie’? I realize she’s trying to stop Taylor from doing things, but this seems like a really big jump of logic to make simply for the sake of moving the plot along. I suggest stretching this logic out a bit and over some more time so that it flows more naturally rather than ‘Oh hey! This is it!’

I was under the impression that Joe was pretty seriously beaten, judging by the way you described his ripped clothes and unconsciousness. I’m a little surprised that the main character is more concerned with how she plans to explain things than getting her friend(?) help.

Comma before ‘but’.

Comma before ‘but’ and ‘seems’ should be singular: ‘seem’.

Joe was very probably beat the crap out of by Taylor and the main character was willing to overlook that. However when barely warned by Angie about some vague thing she is suddenly willing to give Taylor some distance.
I don’t understand that at all.

‘OK’ should really be ‘okay’. There should also be a comma after it.
“Okay, so staying away…”

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

‘kind of’

Is this supposed to sound selfish? Pushing the blame off on someone else (even though I, personally, am in full agreement with Angie) really makes the main-character sound selfish and juvenile. Is she meant to come off as such?

I’d drop the comma.

‘it’s’ The apostrophe makes it a contraction. Without it, it’s possessive.

Even if he didn’t what? I feel like your missing something there.
I also don’t understand why her chances are high. Is it just because she’s so determined?

I am kind of worried about her now. This seems to be turning into an obsession that cannot be healthy in any way.

How? What trail? There needs to be some kind of explanation here.

When did we find this out? All I’ve seen is that he is a jealous, violent person with extreme emotional problems. Are we supposed to gather that he cares for her because he apologized to her rather than Joe (who he brutally mauled)?

I’m a little confused: Are you working under the assumption that werewolves retain some kind of metal stability after they’ve changed or not? I can’t really tell. But you really need to pick one or the other. Playing with both in a single story doesn’t usually work out well.

‘laid’

A comma before ‘but’.

‘laid’
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There seems to be a lot of “this happened and then this happened” without much emotion put into it. While you can sometimes get away with this in third-person POV, in first-person POV you really need to play up the emotional card. When something sad happens, the story-telling needs to be sad. When something funny happens, the story-telling needs to be funny.
It’s a hard thing to do, but it really needs to be done when telling a first-person story.

Time moves really, really fast in this piece. I think you need to stretch things out, let them stir in their emotions and details for a while before moving on to something different.

Along with that, you don’t really seem to have any transitions between scenes. One thing happens and BAM something else happens five hours later. I know that you’re trying to get everything out, but it can be kind of jarring to read. Transitions between scenes will help smooth things over and let things happen longer instead of simply stating that it happened and them moving on.

Overall it was entertaining. There are a couple of things that don’t quite make sense to me. I hope I didn’t come off too strong; it’s just really hard to sell me on romance stories.

I wish you the best of luck with this and hope that you continue to write it!