Want Story Critique
 

This is what I have so far. What can I do to improve it? The dragons in my story have Mohawk-like manes, by the way. Also, as I write it, I will be editing this post to add on the extra parts.


The valley was dark. The stars above in the dark ink of the sky glittered brightly. Nothing stirred except for a dull green light creeping across the dense forest to one side of a mountain. A large creature, off-white and skeletal, upset the still silence of the night. His eyes were the source of the light. They were green, and blazed like fire. The embers danced upward and licked the sky. The darker green pupils shifted in the black eye-sockets of the gigantic beast, and the skull-like head turned toward the horizon, which began to lighten. He cursed quietly in a growling language, and turned back the way he had come, his skeletal tail thrashing behind him. His white claws pushed into the ground, where they left nothing, as if he had never been there. The waterlogged earth bore the footprints of many creatures, but not this one, larger than any of the other animals in the forest. The creature unfolded a pair of ancient parchment wings and leaped into the air while snapping his tail downward to propel himself upwards. He struggled to become airborne, but when he regained his composure he soared away from the pale light of dawn.

The light of the morning streamed across the wooded valley. It slowly transformed the sinister darkness of the night into a beautiful scene filled with color. Leaves danced in the air to the ground, and fall wildflowers grew across the landscape. Ivy grew up the side of a stone castle on a nearby hill, giving it the feeling that it was meant to be there. It seemed at peace with the land. One of its walls had fallen down to reveal a once-elegant foyer filled with aesthetic tapestries and other decor, including a lovely red carpet that tied the rustic room together. An old, broken table stood in a corner, and a painting that had been set on it was on the floor. The face of a king filled half the frame. He was very young and handsome, with sparkling blue eyes and full, blonde hair. The other half of the painting featured a dragon. It was a deep red color, with serious and thoughtful yellow-green eyes and exquisitely painted features that seemed to show emotion. Jewels were imbedded in the scales around its ears and neck, and they were set in what seemed to be pure silver. The largest gem was in the middle of its forehead and it shone a gorgeous blue. The dragon's mane was a darker red, and it stood straight out, like a horse's mane cut a little too short. The rest of the painting below the dragon's head was ripped, and so there was nothing else to be seen. There was movement from deeper inside the castle. A silver body filled the next room and searched it thoroughly and moved on to the foyer. The huge silver dragon saw the painting and stopped, scooping it up in his hand-like paws delicately and examining it. He put it in his mouth gently, so he could walk. He continued to collect artifacts from the room until it was very nearly bare and exited the castle. He took a running leap off of the hill and opened his wings at the last second, catching the wind, and very quickly rose in altitude. He flew toward the sun, east, and toward his home.

The silver dragon, slightly stockier than the female dragon in the painting, landed before a giant crystal castle. He barked at the guards to open the gates for him, and they did so hastily, scrambling to pull the levers that operated the doors and opened the gates. The dragon smiled and pranced into the entrance proudly, still clutching the artifacts tightly. The translucent room allowed sunlight to stream in. The floor was blanketed by a long red carpet and the walls were covered in non-matching tapestries. The dragon sorted through the pile of stuff that he had just brought in and located another tapestry. He hung it delicately from the wall using a hook that was driven into the wall. He found another tapestry and hung that one up, too. When he was sure that all of the tapestries were hung, he continued up a marble spiral staircase, placing objects on intricately carved shelves as he ascended. When he reached the top, he was only holding the detailed painting of the king and the female dragon. He glanced around the room he found himself in. It was his room, and also the most beautiful in the castle. He smiled again. The sun began to set and the red and orange light filtered in through the glassy quartz-like walls. The room was small, but lovely. There was a plush bed with ivory counterpanes and fluffed pillows, a gold Candlestick resting on a cherry wood bedside table, and an elegant mirror with a gold frame. He placed the painting behind the candlestick on the table and lay down on his bed. His eyes flickered and he fell asleep.

A young blue dragon guard burst into the room.
“King Cylas! King Cylas! Get up, please! A skeleton is attacking the castle! He has just destroyed the other guard!” he shrieked. The silver dragon, the king, leaped to his feet. He snarled savagely and burst out of the room and crashed down the staircase. He galloped outside, where the skeleton of a dragon was climbing the walls of the quartz castle. He looked down, and his fiery green eyes found king Cylas. He roared with laughter.
“Oh, king. You look so little from up here.” he pushed off from the wall and caught the wind in his tattered wings. He soared to the ground. “Oh wait,” he said. “You're just short.” He laughed again. King Cylas growled.

Hey! Looks like an interesting story so far. I did find one thing:

I'm thinking maybe 'they' was not the word you intended to use?

I only have two other things to suggest. I think the opening sequence may be a bit too wordy. I tend to do the same thing myself when I write, unfortunately. Later on in a story it is much easier to get away with that sort of thing, but in the opening you don't want the reader to get bogged down in descriptions. You definitely want them to know whats going on, and to have a general idea of what everything looks like, but keep in mind that you have the entire story to get the specifics across (like how bright his eyes are, etc). The first few paragraphs are when you have to capture the reader's attention with the story... you don't want them wondering if they are going to get bogged down in the details the whole way through. Spread it out a bit... otherwise it gets tiresome to read. Tolkien (Oh, my Master...) could pull it off, but us mere mortals have to be a bit more careful ;-)

The only other thing is very minor -- and kind of the opposite of what I said above, LOL. When it comes to the dragon flying back to the castle, it isn't made very clear if they are ALL dragons or not at first, which makes it a bit confusing a few sentences later, so that may need to be clarified. Also, you may want to do something in between the second and third paragraphs to show the passage of time, as the 'sun setting' in the third paragraph seems very abrupt and slightly out of place. Even something as simple as 'He flew toward the sun, east, and *began the long flight* toward his home.' would help out a lot.

*cringe* Sorry, that got long, didn't it? I beta quite a bit, so its kind of habit by now. Hope Some of that helped!

Thanks a lot! That means a lot that someone cared enough to give me a well-written response. :)