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Seer Of the Future
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Seer Of the Future is offline
 
#1
Old 12-19-2009, 04:06 AM

This is a idea I got just today and wanted to post what I has so far. Feel free to tell me what you think and if you have ideas go ahead and tell them to me. I'm practically always open to new ideas.

*Weapon of Choice

I woke up not knowing where I was. My head was throbbing and blood covered my face. My wavy blonde hair was a mess, and my glowing eyes seemed to fade.*
"Kaylita!!" someone said worriedly but as I*searched for the voice there was no one there. I could see nothing but white. I reached out and my hand met the cold bite of glass. Scared I banged on the glass. Fear rose in my throat as the paniked voice called the name more and more. Who was Kaylita? Why was I traped? Where was I?
"Help!! Please!! Someone help me!" I cried tears burning in my eyes as I slamed into the glass. "Please! Someone! Anyone! Help me!" I screamed.*
"Kaylita!!" someone screamed and two gun shots rung in the air. I fell backwords shocked at the sound that was ringing in my ears. I shook in fear as the calling voice never spoke again. *I sheilded my eyes as the lights turned away and revealed the testing room before me. I was in some machine... A cruel looking man stepped in the room and looked at me. He was holding a gun and threw a dead body of a guy to the ground. I didn't know him but pain in my heart exploaded for the dead man. I cried and sobbed.*
"Please.... Let me out..." I begged and the man turned to me. His cruel lips curling into a evil smile. I suddenly regretted my words and shuved myself in the far corner away from him. I didn't know why I was here or who he was or who I was but I wanted out.*
"Dont worry.... I'll get you out." he said mockingly and the glass lifted up into the ceiling. A robotic hand grabbed me and forced me to the ground. My cheek pressed against the cold floor and tears streaming down my face, I shook. A collar was forced around my neck and the man grabbed me.*
"Please... Let me go." I begged and he smiled.*
"Sorry, but I lied." he said and a young guy walked in. He was about my age, maybe older, but he looked like a god with his looks. "Master." the man said and bowed. The young guy pulled on a lab coat and motioned for the huge man to set me on a table.*
"Please.... Just let me go!" I cried to the younge guy as I was strapped down to the table. He smiled lovingly and stroked my forehead.*
"My little Kaylita.... I just can't do that.... You're too valuable..." he whispered and bent down. He kissed my cheek and I recoiled from him.*
"Please... What's going on?" I asked as he walked away and a chamber began decending slowly down over me. I fought but the steel bighting at my wrists and ankels kept me from escaping. "No!! No! No!! Please!! Help!!"

Kayo woke up and screamed. He sat up and his mom ran up to his room. She turned on the light blinding him for a second and then he blinked. He was covered in cold swet and breathing hard.*
"Kayo... What's wrong?" she asked softly. Her dark brown eyes and black hair making her look like a goddess in his eyes.*
"Nothing... Just a bad dream..." he whispered and shuddered remembering the poor girl. He had been dreaming about her for weeks now.... And she had lost her memory now... And her worst enemy had her captured.*
"Alright... Now please try to sleep." she said kissing his head and left turning off the light. Kayo settled back in his bed and stared out the window at the moon. He felt so connected to this girl as if she was real.*
"Help me..." he heard a girl whispered and he jumped. He looked around but no one was there. He then realized the voice matched the girl's from his dreams and he sucked in a breath.*
"You aren't real... You're just a dream..." he said to himself reasuringly.*
"Please.... Help me....." she whispered begging. Kayo sat up again and looked around.
"How can I help you?! You're the one with all powers!!" he said in a harsh whisper.
"Help... He-" but her voice was cut off. Kayo shook his head and layed back down. He soon returned to sleep and began seeing her again.*

"No! Stop! Stop it!" I begged as the man pulled my arm. I stumbled and walked with him as he led me to a room. "Please!! Leave me be!" I begged and he threw me into a room. I cried out angerily and slamed against the door. I turned around slowly to find a machine that looked extrememly cruel. *Screaming as it grabbed me I fought to fight back but it was to strong. It threw me onto a table and took my clothes off me. I struggled as it scanned me and tried fighting it. Then it covered my mouth and my eyes grew in horror. The master walked into the room and looked me over. I wanted to flee from this place and never come back but I was captured. He smiled and picked up a scaple.*
"Im just going to inhance your abilities.... Relax and don't try to fight." he said softly and I screamed in pain as he cut me.

Kayo woke up and looked around wildly. She had been here a second ago. He shouldve saved her.... She was going to suffer and it was all his fault. He got up and got dressed for school. He began to relax but the dream was so vivid and the sound of her screams ringing in his head made him worry.
**He grabbed his bag and walked down stairs. It was unusually quiet in the house and he looked around.*
"Mom?! mom!!" he called but no answer.*
"Dad?!! Dad!!" he called but still no response. Kayo then turned the corner slowly and gasped seeing his parents laying on the floor. Blood was pooled by their bodies and he gasped in shock. They were dead and two huge men looked up at him. They looked at his dog tags that he never took off and then looked at him. Kayo ran out of the house and grabbed his cell phone. Running as fast as he could and suddenly two men in black trench coats appeared in front of him. They shot at the men behind him and grabbed him sheilding him from the electric blasts.*
"Whats going on?!!!" Kayo cried fearfully. The men were silent as they slew the huge men and then looked down at him.*
"Youre not safe here anymore Kayo... Your protecters contacted us." one said. He had been the one that had protected him with a sheild of energy. Kayo knew what it was because the girl from his dream could do it but she controled elements more then minds.
"What are you talking about?! Who are you?!!" he demanded angerily.*
"I am Heros and this is my apprentice James. He's your age." the man said and James nodded silently. He was extremely ripped and yet it was lean muscle so he didn't look huge. Kayo envied him because his muscles were nothing compared to James's.
"Master, we must get him back to headquarters." James said looking at his watch.*
"Youre right, come along Kayo... None of our people are safe out in the open like this." the man said and lead them threw the park. Kayo was silent as he walked next to James. He noticed the sword and guns on his belt and marveled at them.*
"You were lucky those two were idiots... They wouldve killed you." James said surprising Kayo.*
"Why did they kill my parents?" Kayo asked.*
"They weren't your parents. Your parents died a long time ago." the man said and James nodded.*
"They were your protectors...." he said and Kayo's head began to spin.*
"What?! Okay.... So why are they protecting me?" he asked and the man looked at him.*
"All will be revealed to you by Hanna but right now... We must be silent." he said and then walked into a building. James followed and brought Kayo along when he didn't move. Kayo looked around. They walked past the guards and stepped into the elevator and he was surprised when he saw the levels.*
"-12 James.... Hanna is waiting." the man said and James nodded and his pupils diolated. Kayo gasped as the elevator flew downwords and then came to a stop farther below ground then it shouldve been possible.*
** They stepped out of the elevator and walked into a huge room full of people doing manythings. In the center was computers and screens for controling missions, to the right was a training room divided by a glass wall, and to the left was tons and tons of weapon ranges. Kayo looked around amazed and a girl walked up to him. Her blue hair flying out behind her and her red eyes flashed.*
"Kayo! How nice to finally bring you here!" she said and shook his hand. "Well.... Your powers are strong.... But not unlocked yet. No matter. You will unlock them eventually Kaylita did." she said and began walking. Kayo followed her confused and James stayed as well but the man left.*
"Hanna... You wanted me to stay?" he asked respectfully as she walked into a huge office. A huge body guard moved to the side and Kayo followed her in.*
"Yes James, you will be assigned to this mission." she said and he seemed greatly amazed.*
"But I am still in training." he said softly.*
"But none the less you are who I need." she said and he nodded. "Now Kayo, I am Hanna. I run this place you see before you... Your sister Kaylita was a good friend of mine..." she said and he looked at her bewildered.
"Sister?! I have no sister." he said and she waved her hand towards the screen. The girl from his dreams flashed up on the screen and it had information about her on it. She was slowly moved in a circle and he moved closer.*
"Ive seen her!! Who is she?" he asked looking at her and Hanna seemed sad.*
"That is your sister Kaylita. Our top agent here. She was abducted during her mission by our enemy Venum." she said walking to his side.*
"I know..... I saw it." he said and she looked at him confused.*
"I see her in my dreams... I saw her get captured.... And saw her loose her memory." he said and Hanna nodded.*
"Your bond as twins is strong.... You see Kaylita controls all elements..." she said and a video of Kaylita destroying things with her powers began to play. Kayo watched amazed as his sister blasted fire at bad guys. "She was captured because she had become compromised... She got to close to her partner and he was used against her.... He turned on us and brought her to Venum... Though he did try to save her when she lost his memory he died.... Like he so rightly deserved." she said and Kayo looked at her.
"What dose this have to do with me?" he asked.
"You Kayo have the mind controling ability that no one else on earth has.... Like your sister you are the most deadly creature of your kind.... And Venum wants both of you... To take over the world." she said and James growled. Kayo looked at him and could see the hatred in his eyes.
"Venum.... Betrayed us all and now is taking our agents and turning them into mindless pets... And if he gets Kaylita under his control.... She'll never come back." James growled.*
"You don't understand.... I don't have any powers..." Kayo said and Hanna looked at him.*
"You can see your sister in your dreams Kayo.... You have the power to save her.... You're the only one who can." Hanna said and he shook his head.*
"Im sorry... But you've got the wrong guy." he said backing up.*
"What about Kaylita?!" James said looking at him.
"Im sorry.... But I honestly don't have any powers.... Obviously you do. You save her." Kayo said too overwhelmed to take this. Hanna's features darkened and she walked towards him.*
"Your twin sister is being held captive and is being tortured and you're going to just sit by and watch her die?!" she said angerily.*
"What the hell do you want me to do?!!" he yelled back and she was silent.*
"Ill do it myself Hanna.... I told you..... Just because he's Kaylita's brother doesn't mean he will have courage." James said softly. She nodded and put her head in her hand.*
"James.... She gonna die...." Hanna said almost choking on her words.
"No, I'll get her back." he whispered. He looked at her and then at Kayo. "Ill get her back.... And you can stay here and clean up after those of us risking our lives for our family and loved ones." James said and shuved past Kayo. Kayo glared at him and then looked at Hanna.
"Im sorry..." he said quietly and she looked up at him angerily.*
"If you were truely sorry you'd try and save her." she snapped. "Now get out!" she growled and he left her office. He was escorted out of the building and then thrown on the streets.
** Kayo walked for a long time wondering what to do now. He didn't have a home... He didn't have parents.... He didn't have a family... Well he did but she was as good as dead. He then sat down having gone over to his best friends house and groaned.*
"Dude Kayo, you okay?" he asked throwing him a soda. Kayo caught it and opened it. He took a swig greatfully and wiped his lips off with the back of his hand.*
"No... My parents are dead.... And I almost died too.... I'm definately not okay!" Kayo growled and his friend nodded.*
"I know man... And I'm sorry.... It just seems somethin's eatin at you." he said and Kayo looked up.*
"Well.... What if you were faced with this impossible mission.... To say save your long lost twin sister... And she has tons of powers and is one of the strongest people in the world.... And you have no powers at all and trying to release her from capture.... What would you do?" Kayo asked and his friend looked at him confused.*
"Metiforically speaking?" his friend asked.*
"Yeah." Kayo said taking another drink. His friend was silent for a little while and then looked at Kayo.*
"Well if I was you right now.... I'd do it. I mean she's all you have left.... And if you save her she can use her powers to kick the guys ass right?" he said and Kayo looked at him. He suddenly realized his friend was right and jumped to his feet and chugged the soda.*
"What the hell are you doing Kayo?!" his friend called as he ran out the door.*
"Saving my sister!!" Kayo shouted and his friend shook his head.
"Kayo.... You're one crazy bastard..." he muttered.

As Kayo ran into the building he hopped in the elevator and pressed the button that James had. Only this time it took much longer to go down. As he slowly went down he began to space off and Kaylita found her way into his mind again.
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iinsanely Sane
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iinsanely Sane is offline
 
#2
Old 12-29-2009, 12:21 AM

I really liked the idea, although a little confusing in the start it was definitely interesting enough to read on and it got clearer. There was just one thing that bugged me besides grammatical errors. Well, two things. One, why did you have asterisks all over your story? I didn't understand that.

The other thing, I didn't find it very realistic. Obviously the fantasy part can't be realistic, but I mean, for example, when they mentioned his sister the first time, he should have had a bigger reaction to it besides confusion. Also, the time where he refused to do the mission and then James and Hanna got angry, I think you should change the part where he goes himself, he's only been to the place once.. You should think about that, perhaps mention his feelings a little more as well.

 


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