“Sarah.” someone whispered while I slept. I woke suddenly to the sound of my name. It was dark out. I was guessing early morning and a glance at my clock, which read to be a little past three in the morning confirmed it. I could see a face in the darkness, I wasn’t scared though. I recognized who it was immediately. It was my older brother, Victor. I was expecting him, ‘cause he was there for me. After our parents died Victor promised he would get us out of the social service’s hands. He knew he had to do it more for me because I was younger. He being seventeen, eighteen in a few months would be on his own soon. But me, being only fourteen would be stuck in the system for six years, except for some legal documents which made Victor my legal guardian when he was 18. Although he wouldn‘t wait that long. He said I was his little sister, and they had no right to take me from him. Victor had always been protective of me, but they believed Victor to be a bad influence on me and separated us, but allowed us to stay in contact through the telephone. Although all our phone calls are monitored. Before we were separated they gave Victor and me an hour by ourselves to say goodbye and he told me he would come for me no matter how far away they took him. He also said the night he came he would say “Sweet dreams”. Then I would know he was coming for me that night. And the evening before he called me, asking how I was and before we hung up he said “Sweet dreams sis.” That’s when I knew he was coming for me.


I sat up in bed. Victor smiled at me in the darkness.


“Are you packed?” he asked. I nodded and pulled away the covers, revealing I was already dressed and ready to go. I could see the window behind him open. I pointed to a backpack and a small suitcase of mine on the floor near the window. He picked them up and went out the window again. I pulled my boots on, grabbed my skater hat and slipped on a light jacket. Winter was pretty much over so I wouldn’t need anything heavier. I walked to the window and I could see Victor walking towards me. I climbed into the window sill and Victor picked me up right out of it and carried me to his truck. He set me in the cab and I slid over to the passenger side and buckled myself in. He climbed in after me and started the truck. He drove slowly until we were about a mile away from the house I’d been at before he began to pick up speed. It wasn’t long before we were speeding down the highway. I looked over at my brother. He looked a little different in the twilight. He looked older than when I’d seen him last, 4 months ago. He had a light wisp of a mustache which was new. I smiled at him, happy to finally be with him again. He must’ve noticed I was looking at him because he looked at me and smiled back, his same comforting smile. He reached over and took one of my small, pale hands in his large hand and squeezed gently.


“Sleep sis. You need to rest and we won’t be there for a few more hours.”
Sleep? How could I sleep? I hadn’t seen him in four months and I was full of questions!


“But where are we going?” I asked him wanting to change the subject from me sleeping. He grinned while studying the road.


“I got an apartment. And a job. I may be seventeen, but I know how to work things in life.” He took his hand back and put it back on the steering wheel.


“Oh… so you have to go to work everyday?” I was a little disappointed.


“I have to. I have my own private bank account that I can access, and so do you, but they’ll be able to track us if we do withdraw money from it. It will only be until I’m eighteen. Then I’ll be you’re legal guardian. And they can’t change that, because it was in mom and dad’s will. But until then I have to bring in some money, and so I have to get a job.” He explained. I understood. The last thing I wanted was for them to track us down and separate us again. I trusted Victor completely so what he said, went. I rested my head against the window of his truck, and before long I was fast asleep.



I woke up when the truck stopped. I opened my eyes and it was a little after noon. I looked over and Victor and he was resting his head back. He was tired, I could just tell by looking at him. I unbuckled myself and he opened his eyes and smiled at me.


“We’re here. Apartment 27.” Then he got out of the truck and went to the bed and pulled out two suitcases. Mine and one of his own. I got out too and grabbed my backpack and his lighter suitcase. I followed him up 1 flight of stairs to a door marked “27”. He unlocked it and went inside. The apartment was fully furnished and wasn’t terribly small, or cramped. In fact, I could easily see myself being perfectly comfortable with Victor in this apartment. But then again, I could see myself being happy anywhere as long as I was with Victor. I decided to explore a little bit. The apartment had a joined kitchen and living room, two small bedrooms each barely fit the double bed and dresser inside them and one bathroom.


“Choose what bedroom you want.” Victor offered coming up behind me. He stood quite a bit taller than me and he was a lot darker, like our father was. I chose one that was in between the other bedroom and the bathroom. It felt safer. He nodded and then pulled me to a small couch in the living room. He sat down and hugged me close. I loved his hugs. They made me feel safe and calm.


“I missed you Sarah.” he whispered. I think I started crying.


“I missed you too Victor. I missed you a lot.” I cried. He hushed me down.


“Sarah you need to listen to me for a second.” I leaned back so I could look at his face. He looked very tired and stressed. Both of his hands had a grip on my shoulders.


“I’m listening.” I said quietly, waiting for what he had to say.


“Okay, when I’m gone, at work or whatever. You cannot answer the door. I don’t care if you know them or not, act as if no one is home. If they try to break in call the police, but do not answer the door.”


“But if I call the police, then they’ll find us for sure.” I protested.


“It’s better than you being dead. I’m enrolling you in an online school, but I will let you get into some other events where you’ll have friends. Keep your window locked all the time, and close the shades as soon as it gets dark. I know this may seem really hopeless, and you probably don’t want to do a lot of this stuff but if we want to stay out of the hands of those social service workers then you have to help me. Also, be ready incase we have to move suddenly.” He looked at me in a way that I never want to see him look at me again. It was almost desperate.


“No, I’ll do everything you say Victor. I never want those social service people to find us.” I was almost begging him. No, I was begging him. I was begging him to keep those people away from us. He smiled at me and gave me another hug.


“Good girl.” was all he said. He held me for a few minutes then said he was tired and needed to sleep a few hours. I sat on the couch a few more minutes after he got up and went to his bedroom. I was waiting to wake up from this dream, but I knew in my heart that it was as real as could be. I dragged my backpack and suitcase to my room and began unpacking. I remembered what Victor had said and left some clothes and my ipod in my backpack incase we did have to move quickly. I listened to music and read until about five pm. Then I got up and decided to see about making dinner. I admit I was a little confused when I found the kitchen completely empty. I sighed and looked around. Victor had left his bedroom door open. I walked to the door and saw Victor sprawled on the bed with his shirt off. I tip-toed into the room and slipped up beside her brother, putting my head on his shoulder and looking up at his face.


“Let me guess. You’re hungry.” he said without even opening his eyes. I started giggling hysterically. After a minute of giggling he opened his eyes and looked at me confused.


“You alright?” He asked. I nodded still giggling a little bit.


“I’m fine. Just happy. And hungry.” I grinned at him. He chuckled and sat up.


“Okay, we’ll go out to eat then shopping for some food.” He touched me on the nose. It was his way of saying I was cute. He pulled on his shirt and I jumped up, realizing I wasn’t in exactly the greatest shape to go out to eat or into a grocery store. I looked in a mirror hanging above Victor’s dresser and ran my fingers through my hair until it looked decent. Then I ran to get my light jacket I’d left in my room and by the time I came out of my room Victor was ready to go. We walked down to the truck quietly and got in. While we were on the way Victor turned the radio on and we both started singing to some hard rock music they were playing on a local station. We stopped at a fast food place and talked over hamburgers and fries before heading to the grocery store where we got some essential foods to last us about two weeks. By the time we got back to the apartment It was almost eight. We sat on the couch and watched TV for about an hour before I decided I was going to bed. After getting ready, I slipped under the covers in my room. Victor came over and sat on the edge of the bed.


“I have to work tomorrow. I will probably be gone before you wake up, so don’t worry. I’ll be back around four pm.” He said.


“Okay, I can survive on my own for that long.” I laughed. He smiled down at me.


“I’m glad to have you back. Goodnight sis.” He kissed me on the forehead and touched my nose. I fell asleep pretty quickly.


I woke up and just as he said, Victor was gone at work already. His bed was completely made and his suitcase was on his bed, open and full of clothes. I decided to skip breakfast and I found the laptop he’d left for me to do my online school thing on. It wasn’t hard to figure out. I did everything on this one site, and while the site was running I wasn’t allowed to do anything else, I guess to make sure I wasn’t cheating or anything. I worked until about noon when I made myself a sandwich then got back to work. I finished around two in the afternoon and watched TV for another two hours. When Victor came in I jumped up and gave him a big hug. I looked up at him. He had a big smile on his face.


“You know, I don’t mind working as long as you’re here when I come home.” He grinned and touched my nose. He then walked over and sat on the couch, like he needed to relax a little bit.


“So, how was work?” I sat there like the little curious kid I was.


“Pretty good actually. I work near this really nice girl, Chey. She helped me figure out what I was doing, and pretty much kept an eye on me all day.” Victor chuckled and sat back. I tucked myself next to him happily.


“What exactly do you do?” I asked realizing he hadn’t told me. He waited a second before responding.


“Sorry Munchkin, but I’d rather not tell you. Pride issue.”


“Oh, okay.” Victor was kind of big on his pride. He wasn’t exactly prideful, but he had a certain amount of respect I know he’d like to maintain, especially with me. We watched TV for a few hours before I fell asleep on him.


About three weeks after Victor had come for me and taken me to his new apartment, Victor came home one day and brought home Chey with him. I smiled politely as a girl, about my height came in. Her hair was black and long. She was very pretty and seemed to be a nice girl, as Victor had been describing her. The three of us talked over dinner then Victor drove Chey home. When he came back we watched TV on the couch for a few hours before I went to bed. The next day went as usual, and when Victor came home he had a huge smile on his face.


“Hey Munchkin!” he said and touched my nose. “Chey has a friend who’s about a year older than you, but apparently he doesn’t have many friends himself and she wants to introduce him to you.” I grinned big. I hadn’t really had a friend my age since our parents had died. I was excited to finally have a new friend. Ever since Victor had met Chey he couldn’t stop talking about her. I often wondered if he had fallen head over heels for her. I hoped not. I didn’t want to be mean or anything, but I still wanted my older brother to myself. I mean, we had been separated for four months and I had only gotten him back less than a month ago. I didn’t want some other girl to suddenly take him away from me again. But then, maybe it was my turn to finally have a friend to talk about all the time.


“There are a few things you need to know first though. You have to promise me you won’t tell this guy anything about us. As far as he can know is our parents died and I’m you’re legal guardian. Nothing more. Promise me.” Victor looked directly into my eyes.


“I promise.” I whispered. I was a little scared when Victor got serious like that. But I knew he was doing it for my own good. And yet I was still to excited to keep from asking more questions.


“When do I meet him?” I blurted. I shut my mouth suddenly after saying it. I think Victor noticed but he didn’t say anything about it.


“Tomorrow. I’m meeting Chey at a local park. She’s bringing him with her.” Victor hugged me, then said he was tired and going to bed early.


“What? But you haven’t even had dinner yet!” I argued.


“I know, but I’m not really hungry all the same. I’ll see you bright and early in the morning.” He said before he kissed my forehead then went to bed. I didn’t think it was normal for Victor to go to bed that early. I went to his open bedroom door and looked inside. Victor was sitting on the edge, his shirt off and it looked like he was just putting some clothes away.


“Hey Victor?” I called quietly. He turned, slightly startled.


“Yes?” He replied looking at me. I frowned a little. Not really sure why, I just did.


“Um…” I faltered. I didn’t really know what to say. I looked down, feeling really silly.


“Come here sis.” He said. He didn’t really sound tired but I didn’t focus on it too much. I obeyed and went to the other side of his bed and sat down on it. He scooted back so he was no longer on the edge of his bed and motioned me to come closer. So I did. I put my head on his shoulder and curled up next to him.


“What’s wrong Munchkin?” He asked softly. I thought about it for a minute. Then decided not to say anything.


“Nothing’s wrong.” I said.


“You’re a little liar and you know it.” He said rubbing my back a little. “I know there’s something wrong so you might as well tell me.” I sighed.


“Are you in love with Chey?” I asked. Victor stiffened just a little, but relaxed again.


“Hm. Yes, I think so.” he replied. His voice sounded sweet. I felt sick. I didn’t want that to happen. I didn’t want to lose my one and only brother. I suddenly sat up and tried to scramble away but Victor caught my arm.


“What’s gotten into you?” He was definitely surprised. I couldn’t help it. My eyes starting tearing up. I looked at him and he could see I was about to cry. He pulled me closer to him and hugged me. I started crying into his chest.


“I don’t want to lose you Victor… not ever.” I cried. He frowned, and I don’t think he understood.


“What are you talking about? You’re not losing me Munchkin.” He hugged me even tighter.


“Yes I am, you’re going to go fall in love and run off with her and never look back.” I tried to pull away from him but he wouldn’t let go of me.


“Sarah.” He seemed upset, but tried to hide it. “Sarah no matter what I will never leave you. They will have to tie me up and lock me in the highest security prison cell to keep me away from you. Even if I do fall in love, Sarah you will always be number one in my heart. You’re my little sister. I promised mom and dad that I’d look after you. I love you Munchkin. And even if I do get married, I’d take you with me. Until you’re ready to go out on your own, and even after you are on your own I will be here for you.” He finished and hugged me tight. I was crying hard. He waited until I settled down.


“You alright now Munchkin?” He was looking down at me. I looked at his face and I could tell he had at least been tearing up a little. I nodded, gave him one more hug, then left to find something to eat and let him sleep.


Kind of long, but I hope you liked it. leave a comment/concrit if you like.

He knew he had to do it more for me because I was younger.

I dont know if this is just me, but the sentence seems funny. Perhaps you could replace it with something like, "He knew he had to get me out of here." Then the next sentence:

He being seventeen, eighteen in a few months would be on his own soon.

But me, being only fourteen would be stuck in the system for six years, except for some legal documents which made Victor my legal guardian when he was 18.

I think you should make that two sentences, it drags on a little. I would end the sentence at six years, and start it again with except. Perhaps you could also explain why, I know you do later, but it only seems a little logical that you do so here as well.

Although he wouldn‘t wait that long.

I wouldn't put although here. The word isn't used correctly here. I'd just do but, or however.

He said I was his little sister, and they had no right to take me from him. Victor had always been protective of me, but they believed Victor to be a bad influence on me and separated us, but allowed us to stay in contact through the telephone.

Here again, I think this should be three sentences.

He said I was his little sister, and they had no right to take me from him. Victor had always been protective of me, but they believed Victor to be a bad influence on me.

(finish sentence here).

Then to start another sentence, you could say, "Because of their twisted thinking, they sepparated us, only allowing us to communicate by telephone."

Although all our phone calls are monitored.

Again, although is used incorrectly here.

And the evening before he called me, asking how I was and before we hung up he said “Sweet dreams sis.”

I think it sounds strange when you put 'asking how I was and before we hung up (...)'. Take out the asking how I was.

I trusted Victor completely so what he said, went.

I understand what you mean here, but it's not went. Perhaps you can say, what he says, goes. Or what he says, is always fine with me. I dont know, all I know is went is not correct.

“We’re here. Apartment 27.” Then he got out of the truck and went to the bed and pulled out two suitcases.

This is really confusing.. xD Went to the bed? I only got it after a pair of seconds staring at it. Its part of the car right? Why can't you say trunk or something?

I woke up and just as he said, Victor was gone at work already.

Even if you have sepparated this by a new paragraph, get a divider, such as this: --- or something else.

“Sorry Munchkin, but I’d rather not tell you. Pride issue.”

I think it's quite sweet he has something with his pride, but perhaps sarah can actually beg even though she knows the answer..? Just an idea.

The three of us talked over dinner then Victor drove Chey home.

If Chey is going to become part of the story, you should have the readers get to know her. Write down what they talked at dinner time, how she is, what sarah thinks of her.

I really loved the rest of it, I got too engrossed in the story to notice any more grammatical errors, and even so, there weren't many after that. I loved the brother and sarah, and I love how they're so close. Continue, please :)

Would you mind reading my story? Its in my sig. :)

Well now you've got me curious! Maybe I watch too much Law and Order and CSI and the like, but I'm worried for Sarah! I'm worried her brother is going to turn physically or sexually abusive. If that's not what you're going for, please don't take it personally... I have an odd thought process. And like I said, way too much Law and Order: SVU. (There was a marathon on the other day...)

iinsanely Sane mentioned a few issues that I found as well, run-on sentences and the like. I'd suggest possibly reading your story out loud, reading it just how it was written by pausing everywhere there is punctuation. Any sentences that feel odd to speak are probably written oddly as well and could be edited. Good luck, I'd be interested in reading more!

If Chey is going to become part of the story, you should have the readers get to know her. Write down what they talked at dinner time, how she is, what sarah thinks of her.

I really loved the rest of it, I got too engrossed in the story to notice any more grammatical errors, and even so, there weren't many after that. I loved the brother and sarah, and I love how they're so close. Continue, please

Thank you for pointing all those out. I wrote this over a year ago and I've learned a lot with grammar and such so I'll be posting the edits soon.

I have actually 7 chapters of the story written. I can't decide between a few endings and I think I'm going to rework the whole story, but I'll post more chapters soon!

Chey does come in more later, right now she's just sort of a side character. The only big problem I have is the story moves very fast and I'm not great with coming up with side plots and such....

Well now you've got me curious! Maybe I watch too much Law and Order and CSI and the like, but I'm worried for Sarah! I'm worried her brother is going to turn physically or sexually abusive. If that's not what you're going for, please don't take it personally... I have an odd thought process. And like I said, way too much Law and Order: SVU. (There was a marathon on the other day...)

iinsanely Sane mentioned a few issues that I found as well, run-on sentences and the like. I'd suggest possibly reading your story out loud, reading it just how it was written by pausing everywhere there is punctuation. Any sentences that feel odd to speak are probably written oddly as well and could be edited. Good luck, I'd be interested in reading more!

I love Law & Order: SVU, I watch so many criminal shows. However this is the first story I've really done that wasn't fantasy or some sort of sci-fi.

I actually never thought of the abuse... But it's not a bad idea for it to be incorporated in some form. *sparks start flying*

Anyway, yes I do have an odd writing style which sometimes messes me up grammatically but I'll see what I can do about going through and fixing that... Thank you guys!!