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-   -   What should i call this? / What do you think? (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157127)

ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn 03-23-2010 05:14 AM

What should i call this? / What do you think?
 
A short story i wrote.
I just wrote this a few minutes ago, and i need a title. Suggestions?
What do you think? I'm being serious when i say i want constructive critisism, so tell me anything wrong with it. Keep in mind that i just wrote this. I made it up as I went along, and i like how it turned out. But it was a quick process, so think about that when answering.

NOTE: IF YOU DON'T LIKE DARK STORIES, PLEASE DON'T LET THAT EFFECT YOUR ANSWER.


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The sound of a piano caught his attention.
A large, ruined building loomed above him as he drifted nearer and nearer to the beautiful song. It was a dark song, with a tinge of death. The boy knew he should leave. Run. Escape. But did he? No. The boy could not resist the deadly and enchanting music, and he drifted onward.
The boy was swept down a passage of stairs, halls, corridors. As he neared, the music got faster, louder.
Louder and louder, faster, faster, faster....The boy froze in his footsteps suddenly at the sight of a door. Inside was a dank, dark room with tattered, burned wallpaper, once a bright cheerful purple, and the remains of a rocking horse, a small doll's crib, and a row of stuffed animals from what could be seen. All was destroyed and in ruins.
The piano had stopped when he had, and he remained frozen, staring at the door.
Slowly, he approached, at a steady, slow pace. The piano wasn't playing anymore, but...he had to see the room. He stepped inside, and saw what he recognized as a destructed, ancient, child's playroom. Suddenly, unease and an odd curiosity overcame him.
"I wonder if it hurts to die?" He mumbled aloud, and the door crashed closed behind him. He spun, and wind began to whip around him. The piano started up again, frightening and dark, and he whirled around, searching for a piano. But the room held no piano!
He heard a dark, evil woman's laugh, the sound echoing. Then, the sound of a little girl's whispered voice bouncing off the walls.
"Do you really want to know?"
The boy gasped and stumbled backwards, tripping and falling back. The sound of the little girl's insane, giggling laughter got louder and louder as the wind got faster and faster, until the sound seemed to surround him, coming at him from every angle. The wind made the tattered wallpaper rustle and tear, and he watched as the rocking horse began to creek slowly back and forth, back and forth...As it got faster, the room began to spin around the boy. The rocking horse's faded, painted on eyes went a bright glowing red, and the boy screamed. All the while, the wind seemed to spin the room around him, sideways, upside down, diagnal...Faster and faster, the piano played, louder the little girl's laughter got...
And then it stopped.
Suddenly the boy was on his feet again, panting hard in terrified adrenaline. All was silent. The room was bright and new, the paint bright, the toys seemed new, a doll was now in the crib.
"You are going to die."
The boy whipped around, and saw a little girl, no more than 4 years old, in a victorian dress. She was smiling sweetly at him from across the room, her hands clasped behind her back.
"Yes, boy, you are going to die," She repeated, and it was the same voice that had been laughing. "Just like me."
And then she vanished from sight, and the room swirled, and then stopped, suddenly on fire.
The boy screamed and shouted for help as the flames licked at the ground, closer and closer. That first woman's voice laughed at him.
"Go ahead and scream, boy!" It hissed at him. "Nobody will hear you."
The little girl's giggling surrounded him, and he screamed wildly, gasping for breath.
The smoke choked the boy, and he fell, his screams silent. He was on his back, and as his vision began to blur, the little girl appeared, her giggling stopped and replaced by the howling of the wind and thousands of lost souls. She leaned over him and smiled a sugary smile, and spoke, her voice crystal clear above it all.
"As for your question, boy," She told him, still smiling sweetly. "Yes, it does hurt to die.
Forever."


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