This was an assignment for school, but I'm curious to find out what other people think.


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“How long are you going to continue running, Anna?”

Anna freezes at the question. The voice is too familiar, too close; feeling like it was whispered against her ear. When she turns, there’s no one but that faceless man she was dancing with that close. The mindless fun she was having on the dance floor has evaporated as she spins again.

Feeling watched makes the crowd around her too thick in the span of minutes, needing more air that she can get in the middle of a crowd of bodies. Pushing through the people, she stumbles a little as they sway to the music; she starts to feel panicked and trapped. She suddenly can’t get out fast enough for her liking, wondering how she ever got so deep into the crowd.

One well-placed elbow sends her tumbling towards the floor, only to be caught by strong arms from behind. “You really should be more careful,” says that same strong, masculine voice, the one that sends her heart rate up, her breathing faster.

She tugs herself out of the arms, teetering dangerously in the heels she’s wearing because the arms holding her didn’t quite want to give her up yet. Catching her balance, she turns and faces the man that makes her heart race with that edge of panic she’s feeling. Raven hair and intelligent green eyes watch her as she backs up a step, watching him warily. “I should really remember to keep a vial of holy water on me,” she all but whispers, knowing he’ll hear her anyway.

The smile he gives her says that she’s right, he heard her just fine. For every step she takes off the dance floor, closer to the exit, he takes one towards her to keep the space between them the same. “And yet you never do remember.” He chuckles when she bumps into a table behind her, catching herself on it at the last minute. “How many weeks has it been? How many glasses and pills?”

Her eyes narrow slightly at him. “I’m dealing the only way I know how…you wouldn’t understand, what with the being dead and unfeeling and all.” She shakes her head, pushing the memories he’s stirring up away. She doesn’t want to remember, doesn’t want to think about it.

“What you’re doing isn’t dealing. It’s slowly killing yourself, and if that’s the route you want to take I know of a much more pleasant way to accomplish that.” She really doesn’t like the smirk that accompanies the statement. It sends a cold shiver down her spine despite how warm she is from the dancing she’s been doing. “And need I remind you, yet again, that I was human once too. I know what it’s like to lose my family.”

Her head continues to jerk left and right, still having trouble trying to get her breathing under control. “I’m not giving you or any other leech my blood. I’d rather die and let it go cold than feed you.” Part of her wants to argue with him about it, that she’s not killing herself that she’s dealing just fine. It’s what she’s been telling herself at least and she doesn’t want to believe otherwise. True to his first question, she turns on her heel and dodges through the club to the exit, pushing past the people lagging around the door and out into the open air. She takes a deep breath, air catching in her lungs when she sees him leaning against the building not far from the door she’d just come out of. “Leave me alone, Damon!”

Damon’s head gives a small sharp motion, a silent no. “Wish that I could, but I can’t.”

She glares at him from a safe distance before turning on her heel and walking away, a small storm of anger around her. She knows it’s too much to hope that he won’t follow, but she can’t just stand here and listen to him, or watch that those eyes that seem to see right through all the little walls in her head she’s built around what happened.

“You’re running again, Anna.” His voice seems to come from right next to her, despite the fact that he’s fallen into pace with her stride about two steps behind.

“From you because you won’t leave me alone,” she snarls. The few steps behind make her feel like she’s been given space and yet she knows that it’s an illusion; that he’s toying with her to a point.

“You’re running from everything, my dear.” He catches up to her and tugs her into the alley they're passing with a strong hand on her arm and a sharp jerk. “And it’s going to stop now.”

She squeaks softly, stumbling into the alley and pinned roughly against the brick wall. She pushes at him slightly to no avail, only earning a soft growl from the man holding her. “Why do you care so much? What’s so important about me that you’ve made it your mission from Hell to fix me?” Her voice rises, anger and frustration edging it louder as she glares at him. For the last couple weeks, he hasn’t given her a moment of peace and she hates it. She wants to be left alone on her little path of forgetfulness, but he won’t let her.

His gives another low growl, the smallest glint of those sharp canines all his kind have sending a shiver down her spine. “Because you’re special Anna.” He gives the smallest quirk of a smirk as his eyes go to her throat. “All that blood inside you is more powerful than you think and I’ve spent years hunting someone from your bloodline.”

She blinks at him, entirely unsure of what he means. There’s nothing special about her. She was an average student until she stopped caring completely from an average middle-class family. She was even the last member of her family that she knew of. “I’m not,” she whispers softly,” I’m just like everyone else on this planet.”

Damon’s brow raises just a little, “You have no idea, little Anna, how special you are. Did you never once think to ask why their throats were ripped out and all that blood…” He never finishes the sentence, head snapping to the side with the force of the slap he hadn’t seen coming. His tongue licks the small trace of blood from the corner of his mouth as he looks at her, eyes darker and just a little more deadly.

“Don’t…” is the only word uttered from her as she watches him with anger, struggling under his hands. She doesn’t know how long she can hold that anger if he starts going into that night. She’s spent so much time distancing herself from it so she won’t have to face it and of all the things to make her deal with it, she refuses to let the leech be the one to force her to.

His grip tightens for her struggling, refusing to let her go. “Don’t what? Don’t remind you of all that blood on the floor under dear departed mommy and daddy?”

Her hand strikes out again, only to be caught in a bruising grip this time. “Stop it!” She can feel the tears in her eyes as her head rocks back and forth, like the movement will block the images that come with his words. She’d built those thin barriers around her mind for a reason; she didn’t want to remember what happened. Remembering what happened hurt too much, the sight of so much blood, her parents’ bodies lifeless on the floor, the dark figure that had been waiting for her when she’d gotten home from the game she was cheering at. Damon had been too late to save her parents, but just in time to save her, leaving her living with the memory of what she’d walked in on that night. The memory of that night pulls a choked sob from her as anger gave way to sorrow.

“Running will only make it harder to deal with in the long run, little Anna.” His grip loosens a little, trying not to bruise but still hold her tight enough she wouldn’t get away.

“Like you’d know or care,” she grumbles through the tears. “I’m not special, I’m just the shiny toy you think you can play with and I’m done!” Her struggling gets more violent, trying to escape his arms. A fruitless endeavor because even without really trying to he can hold her still.

He jerks her before pushing her roughly against the wall again, trying to shock her enough to stop the struggling. “Contrary to popular belief of both those that know of us and my own kind, there’s a cure. One small bite of a special bloodline, the enzymes in the blood pair with what makes us a vampire, and after what I’ve heard is a slightly rough transition, we’re human again. Living, breathing, aging humans.” His eyes flash, wanting and anger. “Do you know how long I had to search to find this information? How much trouble it was to find that one living descendent after the ruling vampires tried purged the bloodline from existence in the Dark Ages? To trace her through the ages, hoping that it wasn’t a dead end?”

“If they purged the bloodline, then you can’t possibly believe that I’m a descendent.” She trembles under his hands. Her brain leaping to the easy conclusion, her family was killed because the vampires thought she and her family were of this bloodline. But it couldn’t be true.

“I said tried to purge, Anna. Vampires may be faster, stronger, and more brutal than humans, but we did all start out as human. Means we can occasionally miss something or make mistakes, especially when one of their own works to hide the family they were trying to eradicate.” He offers a smile, dark and wicked but still a smile. “And believe me when I say it took a good century to track down all the information that lead to you. What I didn’t realize was that someone was watching all my work and waiting for me to find you.”

“I…I can’t believe this. You’re lying. There’s no way.” Her head moved in denial, not able to stop trembling. It’s just too much to deal with.

“There’s only one reason a vampire would waste all that blood. We don’t kill just to kill. They believed that my information was solid, didn’t want to take the risk of having even a drop of your parents’ blood in their system.” One of his hands moves, lifting her chin to get her to look at him. “It means you’re the last remaining key to getting my humanity back.”

She jerked back at the softer touch, finding with a trip over a bottle on the ground that he left her go. “I can’t…” she murmurs again, watching with wide eyes as she continued backing up. She can’t even care to want to know why he’d want to be human again, with all the other vampires she’d ever run across loving what they were. She can’t think past the memories of her parents and the fact that they were killed for no other reason than that their blood could possibly hold a cure.

“I’ll be waiting for you to stop running, little Anna.” Damon doesn’t move to go after her, just stands, watching her make her slow way out of the alley. “But take heed, my patience isn’t endless.”

With a final shake of her head, Anna turns on a heel and runs. Running again, but she’s not sure she can really run from the knowledge she’s learned tonight. Not sure any amount of what she’s been doing will ever make this go away again.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

“How long are you going to continue running, Anna?”

I think this is a great opening line. I really liked it and it made me want to keep reading.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

The voice is too familiar, too close; feeling like it was whispered against her ear.

I’d make the semi-colon a period and start the next sentence as ‘She feels like it’s…’ There’s also a bit of a tense issue, since that sentence suddenly changes to past tense from present.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… but that faceless man she was dancing with that close.

I don’t understand what ‘that close’ means. I’d cut it out and just end the sentence at ‘with’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… as she spins again.

I think I know what you meant, but I’d make it a bit more specific so we know if she spins back towards him or spins around or something. The first thing that I thought was spinning because she was still dancing, but I don’t think that’s what you meant.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Feeling watched makes the crowd around her too thick in the span of minutes, needing more air that she can get in the middle of a crowd of bodies.

I was kind of confused here. The sentence structure makes it sound a bit like the crowd is being watched, which I don’t think is what you meant.

‘that’ should be ‘than’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… sway to the music; she starts to feel panicked and trapped.

I’d change the semi-colon to a period.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She suddenly can’t get out fast enough for her liking, wondering how she ever got so deep into the crowd.

I’d change ‘wondering’ to ‘and wonders’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… says that same strong, masculine voice, the one that sends her heart rate up, her breathing faster.

I’d change the comma after ‘voice’ to a period.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… teetering dangerously in the heels she’s wearing because the arms holding her didn’t quite want to give her up yet.

By saying the ‘arm’s don’t quite want to give her up’ it sounds like we’ve switched to Damon’s perspective, since Anna doesn’t really have anyway of knowing that. Since we don’t get anything from Damon’s perspective again, I’d switch the wording of this around.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

... she all but whispers, knowing he’ll hear her anyway.

I’d cut out ‘all but’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

The smile he gives her says that she’s right, he heard her just fine.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon, but I think a comma is technically correct too.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

It sends a cold shiver down her spine despite how warm she is from the dancing she’s been doing.

I’d cut out ‘she’s been doing’, since we already know she was dancing before.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Her head continues to jerk left and right, still having trouble trying to get her breathing under control.

I don’t really understand why her head is jerking? Is she saying no? Is she struggling to get out? Is she having a seizure? I’d clarify this a bit more.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Part of her wants to argue with him about it, that she’s not killing herself that she’s dealing just fine.

I’d add ‘to say’ before ‘that’s.’ I’d also add a comma after ‘herself, that’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

The few steps behind make her feel like she’s been given space and yet she knows that it’s an illusion; that he’s toying with her to a point.

I’d change the semi-colon to a period. I don’t really understand why ‘to a point’ is there.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She pushes at him slightly to no avail…

Why only ‘slightly’? That seems awfully tame for a woman just pinned up to a wall by a large man.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… the smallest glint of those sharp canines all his kind have sending a shiver down her spine.

I’d cut out ‘all his kind have’. It kind of kills the urgency of the sentence. A detail like that is better suited to a scene where things are a little calmer.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

“Because you’re special Anna.”

I’d add a comma after ‘special’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She was an average student until she stopped caring completely from an average middle-class family.

I think you should set-apart ‘until she stopped caring completely’ with commas.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She doesn’t know how long she can hold that anger if he starts going into that night.

I’d change ‘going into’ into ‘talking about’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She’s spent so much time distancing herself from it so she won’t have to face it and of all the things to make her deal with it…

I’d cut out ‘so she won’t have to face it’ because it’s kind of obvious.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She’d built those thin barriers around her mind for a reason; she didn’t want to remember what happened.

I’d change the semi-colon to a period.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… trying not to bruise but still hold her tight enough she wouldn’t get away.

Here’s another part where it seems like it switches to Damon’s perspective without rhyme or reason. I’d rephrase the sentence or cut it out.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Like you’d know or care.

I’d cut out ‘you’d know’, if only because Damon just mentioned that he did know. You could leave it in if you think it fits well with Anna’s personality, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

A fruitless endeavor because even without really trying to he can hold her still.

Another odd point of view switch. This one less so than the others, but it still seems a little jarring.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Contrary to popular belief of both those that know of us and my own kind, there’s a cure.

I’d cut out ‘of both those that know of us and my own kind’, if only because it seems like another detail better served later. Right now, we’re in the heat of the moment and shorter sentences and lines tend to do better.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… the ruling vampires tried purged the bloodline from existence in the Dark Ages?

‘purged’ to ‘purging’. Just a little tense issue.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

I said tried to purge, Anna.

I’d put ‘tried’ in italics for emphasis, but that’s up to you.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Her head moved in denial, not able to stop trembling.

I’d switch ‘moved’ to ‘shook’.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

… finding with a trip over a bottle on the ground that he left her go.

I’d switch this around by mentioning the bottle on the ground and then tripping over it.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

She can’t even care to want to know why he’d want to be human again, with all the other vampires she’d ever run across loving what they were.

‘She can’t even care to want to know’ – I know what you meant, but it seems phrased awkwardly.
I’d also put the comma to a period and then cut out ‘with’. ‘loving’ should also be ‘loved’. Just another little tense issue.

Originally Posted by kougerkat

Not sure any amount of what she’s been doing will ever make this go away again.

I’d change ‘what she’s been doing’ to something more specific like ‘Not sure any amount of dancing…’ or ‘any amount of pills’ or something like that. ‘what she’s been doing’ seems awfully vague.

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I admit I’m curious as to why Damon doesn’t just take her blood, since he obviously can. I like that you didn’t tell us for the sake of POV, though. Nice job! I also like that you’re trying to switch up sentence structure, but sometimes it seems like you over-do it. There are some sentence that are a bit confusing to read.

I applaud that you’re even trying to write a vampire story since Twilight it still popular, though. It’s been getting harder to write one without being flamed for it. Right on!

Wish you the best of luck with it!