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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She’d heard from an outside source that they had both been spreading little things about her;
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‘An outside source’ seems awfully vague. Since we’re seeing this through Caitlyn’s third-person limited POV, it seems like we should know where she heard it from. After all, Caitlyn does.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
…a big part of Caitlin…
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I’d end the previous sentence at ‘her’ and start the new one in ‘Caitlyn’. ‘a big part’ seems a little useless here.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
After all, friends don’t talk behind your back, right?
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I wouldn’t use ‘you’, because this isn’t second-person POV. Sometimes you can get away with it, but since you only use ‘you’ once, I’d change it to ‘each other’s’ or something.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… when they ate lunch together;
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I’d end the sentence here and start a new sentence at ‘by’, instead of using the semi-colon.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… by the end of that semester the three had seemed fairly inseparable.
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I’d changed ‘been’ to ‘seemed’, since Caitlyn believed they were inseparable instead of ‘seeming’ inseparable.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
For the three years, the friendship was solid; movies, video games, or nights out in the few places in the little town.
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I’d cut out the ‘the’ before ‘three years’ and the comma. I’d also changed to ‘or’ to ‘and’, so it tells us that they used to do lot of things together.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Lately, things were changing between the three of them:
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I’d change the colon to a period.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… there were those small cracks in the friendship forming though, big enough to let light through if you looked close enough.
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I’d begin this sentence at ‘there’, cut out ‘those’ sine you haven’t mentioned the cracks before, and end it at ‘forming. ‘big enough’ would be a fine place to start a new sentence. I also think you should cut out the last ‘enough’, since you just used the word.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Caitlin didn’t want to look that closely; didn’t want to watch the friendship crumble before her eyes.
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I think you can do away with ‘; didn’t want to’ and just replace it for ‘and’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She pretended not to notice when she went days between sightings of Amber…
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I wouldn’t use ‘sightings’, if only because it sounds a little… stalker-like to me. Maybe just ‘seeing Amber’?
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She tried not to read too much into it when every offer to hang out, either for food or something recreational, was turned down; nor how both girls never seemed to offer her to join in on anything they did together.
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I think you can cut out ‘either for food or something recreational’, as we can infer that. I’d also change the semi-colon to a comma. I think you can change ‘both’ to ‘the’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
It left her standing in the hall with an arm load of dishes as she attempted to not see those ever growing cracks.
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I’d change ‘It’ to ‘they’ and ‘not see’ to ‘ignore’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… as she tried to ignore those cracks between her, Amber and Linda.
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This seems a little redundant, since you just mentioned her ignoring the cracks.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
You really are in your own world, aren’t you?
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I’d change “You really are” to “You’re really” because I think it sounds more natural. Now, this could also be a character point with Linda, but she doesn’t talk enough in the piece for it to be obvious.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Caitlin could feel her face shift to neutral…
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Is it forced? Does it happen automatically? Is she surprised by it? I think this needs some more elaboration.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… trying to decide how to answer that question; honesty or a lie.
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I’d change the semi-colon to a colon or comma. I’d also change ‘honesty or a lie’ to ‘honestly or with a lie’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Honesty, she wasn’t sure how that would be taken.
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I’d flip some of the words around here “She wasn’t sure how honesty would be taken’ just for simplicity’s sake.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She was torn because she wasn’t sure…
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Because you use ‘tear those cracks’, I’d change ‘torn’ to another word.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
It was an unconscious habit she had when she was feeling unsure or vulnerable, to use her hair to hide behind, and she was really feeling uncertain at the moment.
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This just seems like a really long sentence.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She’d never felt so wired in her life than right now…
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Are you sure you want to use the word ‘wired’? To me it sounds like she’s excited about this, when I don’t think that’s what you were going for.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She cursed softly in her head, hating how people could read her so well…
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It’s an interesting insight into her personality, but it doesn’t seem applicaple to the current line. Wouldn’t anyone ask that after being told that the person isn’t sure about being upset?
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she never really seemed to be able to hide much of her emotions.
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I’d cut out ‘much of’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She just shook her head as she continued to wash dishes and Linda continued to lean against the wall next to her.
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This line seems a bit useless if nothing happens. If you want to talk about the stillness of the moment, I’d talk about the running water or something instead of simply talking about how everything continued.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… and didn’t say anything after that for moment.
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I’d cut this out. We won’t assume she said something unless you tell us.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Amber and I are your friends; we wouldn’t do that to you.”
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I’d cut out the semi-colon and replace it with a period.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she rinsed it off and tried to force back her tears.
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I’d change ‘force’ to ‘hold’, unless she’s already crying, but I wasn’t sure if she was.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She took a breath as she picked up all her dishes; green eyes met hazel,
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I’d end the sentence at ‘dishes’.
I like the line of ‘green eyes met hazel’, but we don’t know whose eyes are green and whose are hazel. I’d put in something earlier in the story about that.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… all too full of the betrayal that Caitlin felt while searching to see if there was any sign of guilt or regret on Linda’s features.
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I understand what you’re trying to say, but the sentence itself seems confusing. I’d rephrase it.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she turned on her heel and walked out of the room and down the hall to her room.
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Since they’re both girls, I’d use Linda’s name instead of a pronoun.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Her door was kicked shut behind her and the dishes were dropped haphazardly on the bed that Caitlin used as a couch as a few tears made a trail down her cheek.
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Again, both being female, I feel we need some proper nouns. Caitlyn’s door was kicked shut by Linda or Caitlyn?
I think you could also cut out ‘that Caitlyn used as a couch’ since it doesn’t seem particularly important to the plot. (Unless this is a longer story and it’s important later.)
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
… she couldn’t seem to un-see them as she collapsed onto her bed; she hadn’t wanted to believe when she’d been told that Amber and Linda were talking behind her back.
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I’d change the semi-colon to a period.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
They’d been so close for the last couple years that it seemed surreal that it could happen.
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I’d change ‘it’ to ‘this’, but it’s not really wrong.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Everything in front of her now was saying it could though and she hated it.
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I’d cut this out, it feels redundant to me.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
A knock on her door pulled her head up and off her pillow with a small glare at the offending wood.
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I just wanted to mention I really liked this line.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She already knew who it was, could hear the murmurs between the two while they waited on the other side of the door.
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I’d change the comma to a period and add ‘She’ before ‘could’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
Who has been telling you these things?
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Again, I don’t know the characters well, but ‘who’s’ feels more natural than ‘Who has’.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
And if you say it without even reaching for the comment…
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Do you mean saying something without having to think about it? This sentence didn’t make much sense to me.
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Originally Posted by deadlyxkat
She murmurs softly…
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‘murmured’ instead of ‘murmurs’. Just a little tense issue.
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I hoped I helped, though I admit stories like this aren’t really my area of ‘expertise’ so to speak. The main things I’d watch out for are word choice and long sentences. Most, if not all, the times I pointed out redundancy could have been avoided with different word voices. Some of your sentences are a little long and the reader can get lost in them.
It feels like this is only part of the story. Does it continue after this? I wouldn’t worry too much about pacing since it feels like this is the exposition to the rest of a longer story.
Either way, good luck with it!