ALANAS DEMISE

PART ONE





"No I won't do it. You can't make me. Your not in charge of me." Alana screamed. She scrunched her eyes shut and felt a tear well up. She knew she had to make a hard decision. She wasen't sure if she could do this.How did I wind up like this? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I here?


Alana began that day like any other. She woke up and got herself a steaming cup of tea. She drank it down thirstily. She looked out her window at the shining sun. It looked to be a wonderful day. She went over to the door and opened it. She grabbed her bow and arrows and slipping on her cloak she pulled up the hood and smiled. Her green eyes lit up as she thought of what she would eat for supper. She was a great archer and always suceeded in her kills. She hoped to find a young rabbit for dinner. She was an angel. She had always been. God put her here to help others. She walked through the town slowly. She saw a lady carrying a lot of items and stopped to help her. She smiled at her and loved the fact her wings didn't show. Everyone knew her as Alana a very helpful person. She took off out of town. She was allowed to kill for food but not for the pleasure. Even an angel had to protect herself so she knew archery. She walked slowly admireing the trees and bird songs. She hummed a little song to herself. She saw a rabbit and shot it quickly. She ran to it and made sure it was dead. She was so happy.

She heard a growl and then a snap. She heard a mans voice asking for help. She left her rabbit and her bow and ran towards the voice. She looked at him a moment with her bright green eyes. She smiled at him and taking off her cloak revieled her wings. She waved her hand over the trap and it opened. She looked at the nasty wound and gave it a kiss. It healed up immediatly. She smiled at the man. She helped him to his feet.

"Hello I am Alana." She put her hand out for introduction her long white hair flowing down to her waste. She was wearing a plain outfit. It was a white button up shirt and a white miniskirt. She wore no shoes. Her white feathery wings were relaxed as she had no reason to think she would need to fly.

"I am Dante. Thank you for the help Alana." He smiled at her. He had dark brown hair. He had dark black eyes. His outfit consisted of a dark black shirt and a jacket. His brown pants were clean and new. He wore no shoes either and something about him made Alanas heart melt. He was so handsome. His voice was clear and deep. "What is a young woman as beautiful as you doing out in the dark woods alone? Surely your boyfriend would be worried."

She smiled at this "I am an angel. We don't date. We are to stay pure and unaffiliated." She giggled a bit. The idea of her dating. But even as she looked at him her body quivered. She felt a longing to just wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him. She knew she could do no such thing. What was this feeling? Could it be love? Or lust? Had being down here on earth so long messed up her inhibition towards emotions?

"Well would you do me the favor of staying here close to me so that I may bask in your radiance for a bit longer?" He asked her. His voice seemed sincere and she saw no reason not to.

"I would love to stay with you a bit longer. I have nothing pressing to do today as long as we can go get my supper. I left it when I heard your cry for help." She noticed he did not take his hand out of hers. She felt an odd feeling in her loins. Could this be desire? Did she want him? What was wrong with her?

He pulled her closer to him and kissed her hand seductivly. "I would love to help you out and spend some time with you. Maybe we could go for a swim my dear." He released her hand and motioned for her to lead the way.

"I would love to swim with you but alas I have no swimming attire. I couldn't swim nude with a guy there with me." She looked at him her eyes large. She started walking keeping her eyes downcast. She wondered if this was love at first sight. For the moment she laid her eyes on him she wanted him.

"Why not swim in what your wearing. I would never imply for you to swim innappropriatly." he said shyly. He laughed some at her proposition of nudity. "If we were to swim nude Im afraid I would not be able to resist attacking you for you are the most beauitiful woman I have ever seen."

She giggled at this and picking up her items headed to the nearby lake. She dived in the water leaving her cloak and her bow and arrows and her rabbit on the shore. She watched as he joined her in the water after stripping of his shirt. He had a handsome torso and she at once began to long to touch his rippling muscles. She resisted and began to swim slowly in a circle. She smiled as she swam. She always did love to swim. Dante swam over to her and grabbing her arms pulled her close to him.

"I must say something. You are the most beutiful woman I have ever seen and you must have felt that spark to. I felt it the moment I saw you. I think its love. Please tell me there is a way for an angel to date someone. For we cant deny the feelings we have for each other." His eyes bored into hers and she felt a sudden urge. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him deeply on the lips. She knew it was forbidden but she didn't care. She let herself fall into temtation. She let herself fold into him. She felt allowed him to strip her. She felt something hard and then a small pain. She gasped for a moment and then fell into emense pleasure.

After it she started to cry. She felt a pull and found herself in heaven. God frowned at her. She kept her eyes downcast for she knew what was to happen. She felt a pain that caused her to fall to her knees as she had her wings removed. She knew she was fallen. SHe was an outcast. She started crying. When her eyes opened she was in the clearing and Dante was gone. There was no trace of him. She looked around sobbing. She felt her back. She was human. Her wings were gone and now she was open to any human temptation to come along. Suddenly a black smoke pulled her down and she found herself staring at Dante stading next to the evil one Satan the devil himself. She couldnt beilive it. She was tricked. She stood up for she would never bow to Satan.

"You have fallen young angel. Now you have a choice. You can join me and become a dark angel or you can stay human forever. If you do what I ask then you can have Dante. If you choose to be human you will never see him again." He laughed evily and Dante stood there with a slight frown on his face.

"No I won't do it. You can't make me. Your not in charge of me." Alana screamed. She scrunched her eyes shut and felt a tear well up. She knew she had to make a hard decision. She wasen't sure if she could do this.

Dante ran to her and held her close. "Im so sorry love. I do feel love for you but the dark one controled me. I had to do his bidding." He held her sobbing to his chest.

She looked up at him and felt the passion of earlier. She loved him. She had one choice. She couldn't live without him.

"I'll do what you ask." She said putting her head down dejectidly. She knew it was a mistake but what choice did she have.

Satan laughed evily and she felt a chain on her neck. She felt the pain of black wings growing on her back. She cried out. The devil continued to laugh loving the sound of her pain. She sighed as it finished and looking over her shoulder she felt more tears well up as she saw the black feathers. She was fallen. She would never see god again. Never know the radiance of being an angel. Never be there to help another. She composed herself and felt another pull. She found herself in Dantes arms and a chain appeared leashing them together.

"Now you two are one. I hope you enjoy your life together."

They appeared back on earth still in each others arms. Alana fainted from the exurshion on everything that had happened.

PART TWO
When Alana woke up she was in her own house. Dante was sound asleep in the living room. She once again got a glimpse of her black wings and felt herself begin to cry. She wondered if it was truly worth it. She looked at the sleeping demon and smiled. It was definitly worth it. It would always be worth it. She had gotten what she wanted and all it had cost her was her soul. Her love was worth more than her soul. She sat down and waited for him to wake up. Dante saw her and smiled at her.

"Hello Alana."

She smiled back her heart catching. He was so handsome. How could she have ever questioned whether he was worth this curse.

"Hello Dante my love. I have missed you so much. I knew that anything would be worth keeping you with me."

Dante frowned a moment and then looked back at her with a smile on his face. "Yes my dear it was indeed worth it. Now you have everything you could ever want."

Alana looked down a moment and then back up at him. "Yes we do. And theres more to it. I am pregnant. We are going to have a daughter."

He stood up suddenly and glared at her. "What do you mean? You mean that I am going to be a father to a girl??" His face turned red. He was getting angry. He did not want a daughter. He did not want a wife. He did not want Alana. All he wanted was to get away from this thing. His job was to make her fallen not to stay with her forever. He had done his job and now he wanted to leave this woman here and get on with his life. Satan may have binded her with him but that would not hold him. He knew it was temporary. He knew that soon enough he would be away from here and back to doing his job of making innocent angels fall down from there heavenly position. He was going to make sure he would enjoy this.

Alana was puzzled. What was wrong with him? Why was he acting like this? Was she truly just a naive fool? "Dante why arent you happy? You didnt want to be with me did you? You never loved me. I was just stupid."

He laughed evily. "Indeed you are my dear and now that you have figured that out I can leave for even as you spoke the bond that held us together is now broken. I am free to go and do what I wish. Goodbye and good luck with the kid."

Alana watched him leave with tears in her eyes. She had been so stupid. How could she have done this? She fell to her bed weeping. She was indeed just an idiot. She wondered what she was going to do now. It was a tough desicion. She was a pregnant fallen angel who had no one to support her or a job to support herself. She had never needed this. She didnt even know how she would react as a fallen angel. She didnt know what they ate or did. She had no idea what to do period. She supposed she would just have to play it by ear.

PART THREE

Talitha sat down in the classroom with her head down on her desk. She hated school. No one cared for her. Her mother was ostrasized for being a demon. For some reason no one trusted her. They thought she was evil like her mother, even though her mother wasen't evil. She knew her mother was a demon. She knew her mother was sad and she knew her mother had her heartbroken by her father. She did not know the details of it though. Suddenly in came Yolanda. She ran up to Talitha and grabbed her hair in her hands pulling it hard enough to make Talitha fall out of her desk.

"Talitha has no daddy and her mommys a demon. Talithas a loser. Talitha has a funny name."

She laughed. Talitha felt herself start to cry again. The teacher announced class was over and Talitha took off running to her favorite spot. She climbed up the tree and sat on the top branch. She swung her legs through the air and smiled inhaling the aroma of freedom. She liked to spend all her free time here. She saw a birds nest and crawled towards it. She made it there pretty quickly but did not see any birds. Suddenly she heard a scream and climbed out of the tree quickly. She ran home hearing her mother screaming. When she got there her mother was laying on the ground with some guy standing over her.

"Mommy." Talitha shrieked. "Leave her alone." She yelled at the man pounding on him with her fists.

He looked down at her and smiled. "Well if it isen't my darling daughter. Have you missed your daddy?" He picked her up by her hair and tossed her into a wall. "You should have taught her some better manners Alana. This girl does not respect her elders." He punched Alana again and picking her up threw her into the wall knocking her senceless for a moment. He picked up Talitha and tied her arms above her head and her feet. "Now you will be mine daughter." He put his hands on her temple and channeled her dark side. He unlocked rage and hate. He caused her to feel evil pulsating through her. "Now be a good girl and kill your mother."

Talitha stood up and walked slowly to her mother who was trying to stand up. "Yes I will kill my mother. She must be killed." She picked up her mother and tried to bash her head on the edge of the bedpost. She grinned at the sight of the blood. Alana was to weak to fight back. She closed her eyes and prayed

"I know you probably won't listen but I need your help. My daughter needs your help. Don't blame her for my mistake. Please help her out. Please send an angel to her and rescue her from her father. Please o mighty god I beg of you."

Suddenly everyone froze and an angel appeared. The angel smiled and bent down kissing Talitha gently on the forehead. She blinked and opened her eyes looking at him.

"Who are you?"

The angel smiled at her. "I am the angel Peter. I am here to grant your mothers prayer. You are now to be blessed child. You are to be an angel. You must take this sword and run it through your fathers heart and destroy him and then you will be able to become an angel." He handed her a sword bowing low to her.

Talitha took it frowning. Suddenly Peter disappeared and she looked up to see her mother lying on the ground almost dead and her father laughing evily. She growled at him and ran the sword through his chest quickly. He fell down gripping the sword and crying. "Daughter how could you kill your own father?"

She pulled the sword out of his chest. "You are no father of mine."

Dante disappeared and Talitha ran to her mother and fell crying. As she cried each tear healed up one wound. Suddenly a white mist surrounded Talitha and she looked behind her to see wings on her back. She felt her hair. It had grew long and white and fell down to her feet. She looked at her mother who was now sleeping peacefully. She picked her up and put her to bed. She felt herself rising into the air and appeared before god. She bowed down low.

"Thank you."


Should I write a part four?

Please do not take what I say personally or offensive. I do not mean any of it to insult you or in a rude matter.

First thing that I noticed is that you're using "she" way too many times. Read the first large paragraph out loud. Using too many pronouns like that makes it very repetitive. It's an easy mistake to make because while writing, at least in my case, I don't notice I use so many pronouns. The reason I say read it out loud is that you get a feel for how it sounds better than if you just read it to yourself. You can hear mistakes easier than you can see them. It also helps me catch punctuation errors if I say it out loud.

Your sentence structure is also simple. To make your writing more interesting and easier to read, I would suggest using more complex sentences.

Another "trap" that authors fall into in describing flat out what the characters look like by listing clothing and physical features right off. I always try to describe looks while the character is doing something and it's often indirect.

I also noticed when you list items such as "She dived in the water leaving her cloak and her bow and arrows and her rabbit on the shore.", you use "and" too many times. It should read "She dove into the water, leaving her cloak, rabbit, and arrows on the shore." or something similar.

I feel that the whole part with Dante and her falling in love happened too fast and that the events in general happen too fast without giving the characters time to really reflect on what happened.

Overall it's an interesting story. So yes, I would say to continue on with it. =)