Fae stood, though it actually felt more like floating, in a sea of blackness. She saw a warm, inviting golden glow that illuminated her surroundings and eased the pressure from the darkness. She was standing in the middle of a round chamber, made with gray, stone bricks, like the tower of a medieval castle. She could see torches in brackets on the gray support pillars, but they weren't lit. The bricks sparkled in the golden glow, having the appearance of thousands of stars in a moonlit night.

“Hello, child,” a deep, purring, masculine voice rumbled from behind her. She turned and gasped at the sight of him. He was absolutely gigantic, easily twice the length of a blue whale, and covered in glittering, golden scales that made him look as if he was covered in millions upon millions of pure gold coins. His massive legs ended in a foot with three toes with silver claws at the end, marking him as more of a Japanese dragon. He also had no wings, but he did have a frill that traveled all the way down his spine to end in what looked like three, brightly colored, feathers on the end of his tail. He had two thick, sharp, silver horns protruding from his skull that branched off into several smaller spikes on the way to the end of the main one, like a deer's antlers.

“Who are you?” Fae questioned.

“You may call me Life,” the dragon, Life, replied with the same comforting tone to his deep, rumbling voice. “I figured that now would be a good time for us to meet, so I summoned you here.”

“Why do I need to meet you?”

“I'll need your help at some point, and I fear it's coming up faster than I expected,” Life replied, looking a little downtrodden.

“With what?” Fae asked, feeling even more confused than before. “Why would you need my help anyway? Why not somebody better?”

“You are the perfect candidate for this task, and nobody else has the same qualifications. Nobody else would work,” Life explained patiently. “It's too early to explain right now, and Time is calling me, so it will have to wait until next time we meet. Think about some things you might like to know about me, if you could. I think it would be good for us to grow close to each other.” By this time, Life had slithered and crawled up by Fae, and now he touched her forehead with his claw, saying, “Goodbye, child. Sweet dreams,” before everything faded back to black.

~~~

Hey, guys, this is actually the first part of chapter 1, so that's why it's short.;) I plan on having the rest up in a day or two, I just wanted to know what you guys thought. Do you like the word choice, descriptions, sentence structure, etc. And if you notice any spelling or grammar errors, please point them out so I can fix them. The main reason I want to have this segment critiqued is I want to know if I need more description and such, so thanks for your time!:)

PS: It is a dream sequence, that's why it's in Italics. Just thought I should mention it in case you didn't think of it. :)

((Okay guys, here's the rest of Chapter One. Sorry it took me so long, it turned out to be lot longer than I thought.:sweat: I will mention right now that Fae is bladder incontinent, so it this disturbs you, don't read. I am using it as a character and plot device, nothing more. Overall, I hope you enjoy! R&R! :)


Fae awoke to the buzzing of her alarm clock, faint light from behind her curtains that coincidentally streamed across her face, and a familiar dampness in between her legs. Groggily, she reached out to the stained and varnished oak desk on her right to smack the off button on her alarm clock while she rubbed her eyes with the other hand. She stifled a yawn as she threw back the twin-size, purple comforter, and swung her legs out over the edge of the bed. She stood shakily, balance eluding her grasp for a second, leaving her rumpled, pastel pink sheets behind as she shuffled towards the bathroom. Megan's probably hogging the bathroom, again, she thought grumpily as she approached the dark, ebony door. She grabbed the reflective, gold-colored doorknob and jiggled it as she tried, unsuccessfully, to open the locked door.

The navy blue carpet tickled Fae's tiny, bare feet as she called out to the occupant of the room, “Hey, Megan, are you in there?”
“Yeah, Fae,” came the feminine reply. “Do you need in here?” Megan stood in front of the mirror inside the average-sized, organized bathroom. She was combing her long, jet-black hair as she applied hair-spray and waited for Fae to respond. She knew what Fae needed, but she still enjoyed making her say it out loud. It's just too cute the way she says it, she thought, contemplating the niceness of her action. The mirror was central to the restroom. The dual sinks with the matching slate gray granite countertop were directly in front, offering anyone combing their hair, or brushing their teeth, or applying cosmetics to see themselves as they used the sink and counter. The toilet was to the left, tucked into the corner almost directly after the door, the view from the sinks blocked by the medicine cabinet, and had a bright yellow cover on its seat. There was also a yellow rug sitting on the white and black checkered tile floor in front of it; it matched a larger one in front of the shower, which sat against the far wall and was as wide as the bathroom. The shower was bright white with sliding glass doors, and soap and other shower accessories were visible through the doors. It was also close enough to the sink to allow a person to reach out and grab something, though they'd have to reach over the towel rack that was covered in various towels of many colors from a bright, fluffy pink one to a brown hand towel, to do so.

“You know that I do, so could you just let me in there for a sec?” Fae complained through the door.

“What do you need?” Megan replied, barely managing to contain her giggles. “Maybe I can get it for you.”

“I need a new pull-up,” Fae said quietly, a small blush coming to her pale face. “The one I wore to bed last night is wet, like always, so please open the door for me.” This time, Megan couldn't hold in her laughter and it rolled from her mouth like thunder to Fae's ears. She blushed again, her face going from rosy to crimson. Megan did open the door to let Fae in, something she was thankful for. She muttered, “Thanks,” as she rushed by, opened the doors to the cabinets under the sink, and reached inside for the aforementioned pull-up. She quickly drew one out, purposefully not looking at it, and left the room while trying to ignore her younger sister's giggles. Fae hurried back to her room, and closed the door behind her when she got inside. The pastel purple carpet in her bedroom tickled her feet as she made her way over to her oak computer desk, where she had laid her school clothes for today out last night. She came to a stop before dropping her yellow pajama pants that were covered in bright red cherries. They did look a tad childish, but she couldn't help that she was so small that size T3 clothing fit her perfectly. She looked at her reflection in the full sized mirror against the wall to her right, opposite the wall that the bed was placed against, and saw the matching pajama top, as well as the slightly sagging and swelled mainly pink girls pull-up. The pull-up was decorated with a picture of Sleeping Beauty, in pink of course, in front of a castle at night. There were a couple of blue birds in the background, which was mainly colored light purple, and a large white star outlined with another larger star directly in the front slightly off-center towards the bottom.

She turned away and slid the used pull-up down her bare legs. She shivered as the cool air touched her damp skin, and continued the changing process; wiping and applying scentless baby powder before sliding the fresh pull-up up her legs and into place. She tossed the used one into the pale blue diaper-pail by her desk. It was something that her parents had stored in the attic when she outgrew it, but after the accident, she had needed one, so her mom brought it down and placed it in her room. She also used it like a regular trash can, as well because, to her, they were really the same thing, one just stopped odor from escaping.

The fresh pull-up was decorated in a similar Disney princess theme, though it had a lot more white, which Fae was glad for. She hated all the pink and purple, and couldn't understand why her mom wouldn't get her the boys kind. The easy open sides were bright pastel pink, with the edges that circled her legs being dark, towards the inside though they started with a white frilled design, but becoming lighter and more of a peach color as they moved towards the outside. The waistband was also bright pink, though not pastel, and also started with a white frilled design on the inside. There was a white squarish area with two purple flower snowflakes in the front, though it was at the very bottom where the pull-up started to go between her legs. It was decorated with three princesses, Snow White, Cinderella, and Belle, unlike the previous pull-up. There were also pink and peach flower snowflakes scattered around in the plentiful white space, further signifying them as the Cool Alert type. They were her preferred kind, letting her know when she needed to change with the cold sensation. She wore the Night*Time pull-ups to bed, as that is what they're for, but wore either the Cool Alert or Learning Design kind, depending on what kind was available for her mom to buy, during the day.

She continued dressing, doing her best to ignore the fluffy underwear that surrounded her waist and private area. She slid her black jeans, that looked a tad faded in certain areas, with red rhinestones and thread outlining the two front and back pockets, though the back pockets had four red, realistic-looking fake gems on them, up her legs before fastening the silver button and zipping them up.. Afterward, she pulled her orange, fuzzy, Halloween sweater, decorated with three purple bats with black wings in flight, thick purple stripes on the forearms of the sleeves with two thin black stripes on their edges, and openings that were colored black, like the collar, bottom, and the ends of the sleeves. It was a tad big for her, though she didn't mind. Loose clothing was her preference; she didn't care for all the tight clothes that girls her age wore. She traveled back to her bed and plopped down, bouncing a bit as a result, with her socks and shoes. She was lucky that they made socks without ruffles for toddlers, but she didn't mind the colors. She shuddered at the thought of those awful, ruffled, girly socks her mother was always tempted to get her, and went about dressing her tiny feet in the sky blue socks. She tested the fit by flexing and wriggling her toes before she picked her shoes up and slipped them on. She looked them over as she latched the Velcro. They were definitely childish, decorated with various Care Bears and pink and purple sections. Again, she didn't have much choice; her mom had yet to find toddler sneakers that looked like a pair for teenagers. The Velcro didn't help matters at all either. Even without the Care Bears on the shoe, or the name on the Velcro straps, the simple fact that she had shoes that were tightened with Velcro was childish. It wasn't that she couldn't tie shoe laces; it was just that shoes that fit her didn't come with laces.

She hopped up off the bed, a bit more energy in her system, and set off for the now vacant bathroom. She looked in the mirror again, though she focused on her hair instead of her outfit, and saw the tangled monster her hair became every morning. It didn't take much to turn her hair back into well-tempered Dr. Jekyll as she didn't use all those hair sprays and gels and such. She occasionally dyed the blonde parts of her hair, though it was usually done at the coaxing of her mom, sister, and friend Kristina, commonly called Kris. All she had to do was wet her hair with warm water from the faucet and comb it, and it was fine. She also took the time to study her face. Her bright, crystal clear eyes shone back at her from her reflection. She was diagnosed with heterochromia, a condition in which a person's eyes were different colors. Her right eye was bright, sapphire blue, and her left eye was dark violet, matching the color of the Crayola crayon and colored pencil, though it was slightly different due to the liquid in the eyes, and both eyes seemed to glow, like, if you shut out the lights, they would shine.

Her bright eyes slid down her pale face to the only other major feature: her scars. There were four white lines that were relatively thin across her cheek from the bone in front of the ear to her jaw and chin. The one farthest to the left actually crossed her lips, though the one immediately to the right of it came close to. They matched the scars on her back and torso in all but length, the latter sets being quite longer. The scars on her torso traveled from her left shoulder all the way down to just under her right hip, ending with the tips on the leg, while the ones on her back were completely vertical, traveling from between her shoulder blades all the way down her back, ending just before her butt.

The doctor had proclaimed her extremely lucky that the wild grizzly hadn't killed her with the slashes, despite the fact that she didn't feel so fortunate. He said her vertebrae were barely thinner than the distance between the bear's claws, which saved her spinal cord. The slash across her torso was more devastating, but not fatally so. The claws had gouged several bones, all of which had healed after a month or two, from the collarbone to the ribs, to the hips. Unfortunately, they had also damaged her heart a bit; the claws and slipped in between a few of the ribs, and had gone through the sternum, puncturing and cutting the heart. The damage wasn't deep enough to be fatal, though it was deep enough to cause long-term, if not permanent, problems. For example her heart had a tendency to go into irregular beats after extended periods of exercise, though it happened faster if the exercise was intense, like it often was in gym class. She also had the tendency to go into one of these episodes for no reason; it just happened. The doctors feared placing a pacemaker in a child that was so tiny, so they didn't, but that means that when she faints from her heart's spastic episodes, she has to have an automated external defibrillator, or AED for short, used on her. All of these factors contributed to her mom's decision to purchase an AED and give it to Fae's teacher for the year, which meant that she got it back at the end of school and gave it to the next teacher when it started again.

The worst thing about the attack, in Fae's opinion, was the damage it inflicted to her bladder. The attack had completely destroyed her bladder muscles and the nerves that controlled them. The damage, however, was too great for her bladder to repair, so it never got any better. It's basically just a temporary bag; it holds her urine until it gets to the point where a normal person's bladder would expand if they held it, and then lets it out, which is why she needed the protection.

She quickly snapped herself out of her reverie by shaking her head before her mind turned to darker memories. She turned from the mirror and trotted out of the room, oblivious to the fact that shortly afterward, a hooded figure appeared in the mirror. He was dressed in black robes, and the cowl seemed to hide most of his face in shadows, except for his eyes. This getup didn't improve the positivity to his aura, a deep, dark, unfathomable thing that seemed to promise no hope. He silently cursed his timing, having arrived a few seconds too late. “Lord Death will not be pleased,” he said out loud as he turned and vanished before Fae's mother, Susan, a woman of 35 and of a warming disposition, entered, wondering who on earth was in the bathroom, especially when all her kids were downstairs enjoying their breakfast. She shrugged before leaving to make sure her kids got finished in time to catch the bus. She used her hand to push her wavy, golden blonde hair back over her shoulder, so it wouldn't be in the way, as she descended the hardwood stairs. She was already dressed for work; wearing a navy blue and black pinstripe suit, black high heel shoes, and a light layer of makeup. Being a lawyer had its perks, like the good salary, but she felt she was missing something about her kids every time she was engaged in a long trial. She was generally home by the time the kids got off school, but there were the occasional odd days when she was held up.

Stepping off the small landing and turning into the kitchen, her face lit up at the sight of her wonderful children. The had a good, solid oak, six-person dining table, though the sixth seat was usually reserved for a guest. Susan hustled around the kitchen, grabbing a bowl of corn flakes with sugar before sitting down at the head of the table. Fae was sitting in her usual spot to the left with Xavier to her left. Their older brother, Alex, sat across from Xavier, and Megan sat next to him, on Susan's right. They each had a bowl of cereal in front of them, though the amounts varied, and a container of juice. Fae had the smallest bowl, as usual, while Alex had the largest. They each ate different cereals too. Fae loved Fruity Pebbles; Xavier's favorite was Frosted Flakes; and the twins shared admiration for Lucky Charms. Xavier and Megan had a glass of orange juice by their bowls, and Alex had apple juice. Fae didn't technically have a 'glass,' as she wasn't allowed due to how often she spilled her drinks when they were in glasses. So instead, she had a sippy cup of limeade to the upper left of her bowl. She didn't really care for the sippy cups, but she saw and understood her mom's point, so she went with it.

The kids chattered as they gradually finished off their cereal. They conversed about sports and other extracurricular activities, and their teachers and classmates. As they finished, they carried their bowl over to the chrome sink and filled it with hot water so the leftover pieces wouldn't stick to the sides, and left for the downstairs bathroom to brush their teeth. After they had scrubbed the plague off of their teeth, they gathered their backpacks and waited for the others, especially Fae, at the door. When they had all found their way to the meeting place, they opened the door after saying goodbye to their mom, and left for the bus stop.

They lived near the city limits where the backyards were more than two yards wide and were wooded towards the end of the property line for a decent distance to the left, right, and away from the house. As such, the people had room to grow flowers and bushes and trees, though none were in bloom now that autumn had come, and the grass grew plentifully.

After about three minutes, they had arrived at the corner of the intersection where the bus would pick them up. There were several other kids already there. A lot of the kids around the neighborhood were at least decent friends with the family of five, so when they arrived, they were readily accepted into their peers conversations. Fae was the only one who didn't immerse herself in conversation, content to sit on a small, rounded, blackish rock that other kids her age would find uncomfortable due to the tendency for the knees to be scrunched up into the face. Some of the other children raised their heads to see who was there, but, when they saw that it was just Fae, went back to their conversations.

The enormous yellow-orange school bus drove up to the curb shortly afterward, stopping, and, with the hiss of the emergency brake, opening the doors. The kids converged, still chatting away about funny stories, coaches and teachers they hated or liked, the latest gossip, sports, etc., and began boarding the bus single file. Most of the students went to the back of the bus, but Fae on the other hand, plopped her butt in seat two, the first seat on the door side of the bus. A minute later, the students had sat and resumed their conversations and the bus doors closed with a clack as they collided. The bus began picking up speed and made its way along its route to the first house.

Three stops later, they picked up a boy with jet-black, short, curly hair and green eyes. He was wearing a bright red Aeropostale t-shirt above dark blue jeans. Over his shirt, he was wearing a hoodie decorated with dragons, tigers, and kanji in an Asian theme. The zipper was zipped halfway up its total length, giving the world a view of his shirt and the cross pendant hanging from his necklace. His black backpack was hanging by one strap over his shoulder; the other hanging loose. He clambered up the steps and sat down next to Fae on the blue, vinyl seat. He sat his backpack on his lap and said, “Mornin' Fae. How was your night?”

“Pretty good, James. I had another weird dream though,” she said, grateful that it hadn't been a nightmare. “How was your game last night? Did you win?”

His concern over her mention of the dream faded when she mentioned the game. He figured it wasn't a nightmare because she always told him what they were about, though not necessarily specific details. “It was great!” he exclaimed excitedly and joyfully. “We completely annihilated the Marlins. The final score was twenty-eight to zero.”

“That's what, your sixth straight win?” Fae asked thoughtfully, trying to remember how many games they'd played. “That's an awesome season. Only a few more games to go before the end of the season. It would be pretty amazing if you could get an undefeated season.”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied wistfully. “Coach says if we go undefeated, it will the first time the fifth grade team's done so.” He looked over at Fae, seeing her petite frame outlined in toddler clothing. Her purple backpack sat on the floor next to her feet. “You look adorable today, as usual,” he said, smiling good-naturedly.

Fae blushed, though it was hard to see in the dark, before punching him on the arm. “Shut up,” she said grinning back. “If your girlfriend finds out, she'll kill me and you.”

“Ah, you know I'm messing around with you, mostly.” He continued, “You know that the general consensus at school is that you're pretty good-looking, though not necessarily hot.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she muttered, head resting against the seat. She closed her eyes, and felt herself drifting. She didn't stop herself; she just let her mind and body fall asleep. Her head slid down from it's vertical position against the back of the seat to rest on James's shoulder. He smiled as he looked and saw her temple laying on his shoulder, completely oblivious to the fact that the being from earlier had appeared in the window, watching them for a few minutes before vanishing.

~~~


The weird being, who was dressed as before, faded into existence in a dark, foreboding cavern lit by sickly green candlelight. He made his way down a labyrinth of corridors and hallways, before finding himself in an even larger cavern than before. Here there were dark obsidian stalagmites dotting the floor, thought they were vastly outnumbered by the thousands that hung from the high ceiling fifty feet up. In the middle of the floor lay a huge chasm, deeper and darker than the human eye could penetrate without assistance. The figure kneeled as a monolithic, carbon-black dragon rose from the depths. It rose and sat on its tail; its body twisting and turning in midair. The room seemed to be darker now that it was out in the open, giving the illusion that its scales absorbed light. It looked down upon the being before saying, “Well?”

“Well, my Lord Death,” the being began calmly, “we haven't had much success drawing her to an area where we may bring her here, and...” He was cut off by a roar of unspeakable fury, shaking in terror.

“What is your excuse this time, Geldanth!?” the dragon, Death, growled.

“Well, Space had some difficulties with the transportation the first time, and the second time, she was on a bus full of kids,” Geldanth explained shakily. “If I may ask my Lord, why not just summon her in her sleep like Life is doing now?”

“He's doing what!?” Death shouted, though not really all that surprised. “You should have told me that earlier imbecile! To answer your question, though, Life is keeping me from her mind during her sleep, so I can only communicate with her if she's here in the flesh. Now excuse me, I have to go hinder Life.” With that he brought his claw into his minions chest, sending him flying until he collided with the wall. He then turned and sank back into the abyss, ignoring his servants complaints as he left the cavern.

Death expanded his mind, searching for the girl. She wasn't hard to find; she possessed a very unique mental signature. Again, he found her mind to be completely blocked off by Life. There wasn't a crack in the wall. He didn't bother sending harsh memories and experiences at it as they would just be blocked. So he decided to devise a plan to get the girl all alone and brought to him. After a few minutes running scenarios through his mind, he came up with a decent plan and summoned Geldanth back to him.

“Yes, master,” he spoke, kneeling again as Death rose from the chasm.

“Here's what you're going to do,” Death said before explaining the entire plan. “Got it? Good. Leave at once, and don't screw it up this time.” Geldanth responded by teleporting away in a burst of purple smoke.

Okay, let's get on this!

Fae stood, well it actually felt more like floating,

You could probably just say "although it felt more like floating", which is a little smoother. You'd want to phrase it as well actually if you were in first person or in a very casual style.

that coincidentally streamed across her face,

I'm not sure why this is a coincidence. Maybe, if you want to compare it to the incontinence you could do that, but I think you could probably leave that part out.

large, twin-size, purple comforter, and swung her legs out over the edge of the bed. She stood shakily, balance eluding her grasp for a second, leaving her rumpled, pink, pastel sheets

Twin-size is a specific size, so you don't really need the word large there, unless it's actually larger. You can also remove that comma. I would rephrase -rumpled, pink, pastel sheets- as "rumpled, pastel pink sheets". It sounds smoother, and makes pink sound like a part of pastel.

jiggled it as she tried, unsuccessfully to open the locked door.

you should either have "jiggled it as she tried unsuccesively to open" or "tried, unsuccessively, to open" because the reason you would have a comma there is to set apart and show unsuccessively.

shiny, reflective, gold-colored doorknob

Shiny and reflective is a bit redundant. Use one.

The mirror was pretty central to the restroom.

It's either central or it isn't. I'm guessing it is, so say so. No hesitation!

The dual sinks with the slate gray granite countertop were directly in front, offering anyone combing their hair, or brushing their teeth, or applying cosmetics to see themselves as they used the sink and counter.

Minor point, but I think most sinks are in front of the mirror. If you want to keep it it's fine though. You should still mention the sink is slate gray granite though.

the view from the sinks blocked by the medicine cabinet,

The view of what?

the white and black, checkered tile floor

You can remove the comma there, as it breaks up the sentence unnecessarily.

There was also a yellow rug sitting on the white and black, checkered tile floor in front of it that matched a larger one in front of the shower, which sat against the far wall and was as wide as the bathroom.

This is a run-on sentence. Stop after -in front of it- and then mention it matched the one in front of the shower. You could use a semi-colon even like this "in front of it; it matched..."

It was bright white

Say "The shower" because for a second I thought you were talking about the rugs again.

covered in various towels of many colors

Mention that the towel rack was covered in the towels, because one could take that sentence to mean the hand reaching would be covered in towels. Grammar is tricky!

The pastel purple carpet in her bedroom as she made her way over to her oak computer desk,

There needs to be a verb or verb phrase after bedroom, like "sank" or "tickled her feet" or you can just say she "Walked over the pastel purple carpet"

She looked at her reflection in the full sized mirror against the wall to her right, opposite the wall that the bed was placed against, and saw the matching pajama top, as well as the slightly sagging and swelled mainly pink girls pull-up.

Another run-on. (Don't worry, I still have problems with those) Try stopping after against. Then the pajama top is another idea, so you start a new sentence.

It was decorated with a picture of Sleeping Beauty, in pink of course, in front of a castle at night with a couple of blue birds in the background, which was mainly colored light purple, and a large white star outlined with another larger star directly in the front slightly off-center towards the bottom.

Another run-on. Also, you might want to mention "The mirror", unless you change this to be right after the other sentence about the mirror earlier. Try rephrasing it as "The mirror was decorated with a picture of Sleeping Beauty in pink, of course, in front of a castle at night. There were a couple of bluebirds in the light purple background. A large white star, outlined with another star, was off-center on the bottom."

She also used it like a regular trash can,

I thought they were basically the same thing? I'm not sure you need to make a distinction. If you feel you need to, though, do it.

instead of the previous one.

Previous what?

ferocious, wild grizzly

Assume your audience knows what grizzlies are like, and just put that it's wild.

The damage wasn't deep enough to be fatal, though it was deep enough to cause long-term, if not permanent, problems, like her heart's tendency to go into irregular beats after hours of exercise, though it happened faster if the exercise was intense, like it often was in gym class.

Another run-on. You must be getting sick of me saying this! Stop after -problems-, You also probably don't want to start with -like-, so I would start with "Her heart had a tendancy". Also, hours should probably be taken out, as that's unrealisticly long. I collapse after 20 minutes of hard exercise!

year, which meant that she got it back at the end of school and gave it to the next teacher when it started again.

You should put a "the" before year. Also, that last part is probably necessary, as year is set time period, meaning it would naturally go back at the end.

a mysterious, shady, hooded figure appeared in the mirror.

You should probably leave out the shady part, or the mysterious part.

A fifth grader has a girlfriend? I thought they still had cooties then. Maybe in 6th grade, but not usually.

I tried to be nice, so sorry if it comes off as I'm critcising everything you do. These are mostly minor criticisms. Also, if you still have any questions about why I think something should be changed feel free to PM me, or ask me in the thread. I'd be happy to help!

Oh, and on your incontinence problem, my Mom has that and she has a little sheet pad thing she puts on the bed when she sleeps. That would keep her bed from getting wet, which would at least save her some embarrassment. I think it's an interesting flaw though. Definitely original. They also have surgery for this kind of thing, so she might be considering that. It might be expensive though, although I think insurance would cover it.

I liked the story so far, but I think some parts had too much explanation and detail, like her exact color and images on her pull-ups, but it was pretty enjoyable. It sounds like it has a really interesting plot, and I would love to find out why only she can save the world.

Also, I have a question. Is she a midget or something because I'm 5"2 and I have size 5 feet, which is small, even for my size. If I was anorexic I could fit in kids clothes, but not little girls clothes, just pre-teen clothes but to be that small she'd have to have a smaller frame. Something you might want to consider. Oh, unless she's not at her full height yet. Which would make sense if she's in fifth grade. She'd still need to be smaller than that, though. I was 4"8 in 5th grade, I believe, so smaller than that, I think.

Sorry about the detail; it probably won't happen like that again. The only reason I really had that much detail was I was trying to be accurate, as they change designs frequently. At least, that's what it feels like. I used a picture, and apparently they have the same design on all the pull-ups of that type, or so I figured from the fact that they only had one picture. I can almost guarantee that it won't happen like that again, mainly for that reason. :)

that coincidentally streamed across her face,

Sorry, this was kind of meant to have a sarcastic tone.:) Most people hate it when the sun shines in their face when their asleep, and it seems to happen a lot, so, yeah. :)

the view from the sinks blocked by the medicine cabinet,

The full sentence is: "The toilet was to the left, tucked into the corner almost directly after the door, the view from the sinks blocked by the medicine cabinet, and had a bright yellow cover on its seat." In that context, the red portion is a appositive phrase. The sentence makes more sense when it's taken out.:)

jiggled it as she tried, unsuccessfully to open the locked door.

The meaning of successively is:

1. Following in uninterrupted order; consecutive

or

2. Of, characterized by, or involving succession

. Following that root, the word unsuccessively, which my spell check doesn't recognize, is not consecutive. I used unsuccessfully to say that, while she tried, she failed at opening the door.

The pastel purple carpet in her bedroom as she made her way over to her oak computer desk,

I apologize for that one. I meant to include the "tickled her feet," but my brain got ahead of my fingers. :sweat:

A fifth grader has a girlfriend? I thought they still had cooties then. Maybe in 6th grade, but not usually.

I'm assuming you don't live in Pennsylvania.:) It certainly is like that in my school district. 4th graders are fine, but 5th graders are definitely at that point.

Also, I have a question. Is she a midget or something because I'm 5"2 and I have size 5 feet, which is small, even for my size. If I was anorexic I could fit in kids clothes, but not little girls clothes, just pre-teen clothes but to be that small she'd have to have a smaller frame. Something you might want to consider. Oh, unless she's not at her full height yet. Which would make sense if she's in fifth grade. She'd still need to be smaller than that, though. I was 4"8 in 5th grade, I believe, so smaller than that, I think.

Yeah, I guess the technical term would be that she is a midget. She has a growth defect; something wrong with her genes that stopped her from growing after a certain point. Did that clear it up?:)

The full sentence is: "The toilet was to the left, tucked into the corner almost directly after the door, the view from the sinks blocked by the medicine cabinet, and had a bright yellow cover on its seat." In that context, the red portion is a appositive phrase. The sentence makes more sense when it's taken out.

I still don't get what view from the sinks is being blocked. What can't you see from the sink?

. Following that root, the word unsuccessively, which my spell check doesn't recognize, is not consecutive. I used unsuccessfully to say that, while she tried, she failed at opening the door.

Oops, see spell check can get you in trouble because I typed the wrong word. I was trying to say that you should group the words differently, to make your point clearer.

I apologize for that one. I meant to include the "tickled her feet," but my brain got ahead of my fingers.

Don't worry, I do it all the time. That's why it helps to have someone else check your work.

I'm assuming you don't live in Pennsylvania. It certainly is like that in my school district. 4th graders are fine, but 5th graders are definitely at that point.

Well, I lived in Michigan at that time in my life but it's also been nearly 10 years since I was in 5th grade, so things may have changed. That's a little weird for me to think about, though.

Yeah, I guess the technical term would be that she is a midget. She has a growth defect; something wrong with her genes that stopped her from growing after a certain point. Did that clear it up?

Yup. Just wanted to make sure she wasn't just a little short. She'd have to be way short for it work. You don't want to accidentally write something about her being able to reach a high shelf, or something.

((Okay, here's the first part of chapter 2. :) Is it better than the last, or does it still have a long way to go? R&R. :)))

Fae looked around her, studying the room in which she had found herself. It was almost identical to the room in the last dream; the only real difference being the designs and lighter coloring on the walls. She could sense that Life wasn't in the room without turning around. This fact saddened her a little bit, as she had been hoping for the chance to talk to him again, even if he wasn't real. She dropped down onto her butt, the padding of the pull-up softening the impact, and sighed. Shortly afterwards, she heard footsteps coming toward the large oak doors. She looked up hopefully as they swung in and revealed a man of around six feet with golden blonde hair that reflected the light like a mirror. He was smiling and seemed to radiate light and liveliness, but Fae couldn't hide her disappointment. Cringing at the disappointed visage of the little girl, the man said, “Does this form lack something, child?” in a surprisingly deep, warm voice.

Fae's head snapped up as soon as her mind came to comprehend what the man was saying. “Life?” she inquired tentatively. He nodded, his grin splitting his face. Jumping from her position, Fae came to scrutinize the ancient dragon's new form. He had golden eyes that seemed able to light a path in front of him in complete darkness and an angular face. His body was also lithe, containing no more fat or muscle than necessary.

“Well? Does this form pass?” Life asked, amused.

“Almost. Change the eye color; there's too much yellow,” Fae responded honestly, yet still shocked. “How did you get your body to take on the shape of a human?”

“All dragons can shapeshift, child,” he replied by way of explanation. “Here, how's this?” As he finished, his entire being shifted, though he didn't move, as his eyes changed from gold to bright, brilliant blue.

“Better,” Fae said, closing her eyes and placing a hand on her stomach to quell her nausea. It was quite disconcerting to watch happen.

“Sorry. I often forget how queasy mortals can be when they see a dragon shapeshift,” Life apologized sheepishly, shrugging his shoulders.

“It's oka- wait. You're immortal?” Fae exclaimed when her mind recognized the meaning of the sentence. It would really make sense; most dragons live forever anyway.

“Yes, child. I am indeed immortal, though wounds can slay me,” he chuckled in response. “I apologize; you didn't get to ask your questions. But, unfortunately, Time can only stall the time stream for a little bit before people will notice the effects upon moving again. Therefore, as a parting gift, I wish to give this to you.” He pulled something out of his front pocket of his silver trousers, which matched his white dress shirt. Opening his palm as he extended his hand, she could see a flash of gold and silver.

She took it from his open palm carefully, exclaiming, “This is beautiful!” as she examined it. It was indeed made with gold and silver, lacing together to form interesting hues and shades, not to mention designs. Inset into the gold and silver were flawless diamonds, many of which would sell for thousands of dollars, sapphires of varying hues, though all were blue, emeralds and jade stones, which combined the refracted light in an amazing, though earthy, combination of greens, and several amethysts of differing shades that worked to complement the gold. The overall effect was the stunning, nearly priceless, pendant, about as large as Life's fist, in the delicate shape of a butterfly resting on a flower with its wings folded. It was two-dimensional of course, but the way it had been crafted gave it a look of three-dimensionality. Fae looked up to Life incredulously, as if to make certain she could keep it. He nodded, his ever-present grin growing wider. She still believed that it was just a dream, but she figured, “Hey, why not enjoy it while I'm here?”

Almost immediately after she had clasped the magnificent necklace around her short, slender neck, Life tapped his silver watch and said, “You have to go now, but I'll see you tonight. Don't forget the questions either.” As he finished speaking, she felt a force push her out of the dream and into darkness.

((Sorry I took so long, Thanksgiving and the end of NaNO threw me off))

Wow, this is way better! I don't really see any immediate problems. I think you're improving!

Thanks Fairy.:) I appreciate the compliment, and I understand. I've been really busy too. Chapter 2 is coming along pretty well, though it seems to be taking a long time. I'm already at five pages if you include what I have already posted, four if you cut it out of the group. I'm not sure exactly where to end it, but I'll figure it out.;) Again, thanks for the review.:)

Great. Let me know when you finish it. :)

Okay. The chapter is now up to seven total pages and doesn't look like it's going to be done before, at the very least, ten overall. I just wanted to let you know that it probably isn't going to be finished until sometime next week. Rifle's got me swamped right now, so my primary writing time is on the weekends.

That's fine. I should be studying for math anyways.