01-11-2011, 11:20 PM
So this is a book I am working on, this is just the first two pages. I wanted to get a feel - opinions I guess.
Im kinda stumped on paragraph placement -_-
Still, hope you enjoy the read =)
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Amnesia
“My body felt numb, unresponsive. I knew my arm was their, both of them. Yet, I couldn’t move them. I struggled to get my eyes open, and as soon as I had, I wished I hadn't. I saw almost nothing, but the nothing is what terrified me. Dark stone walls, moss covered mostly, surrounding me - the room was so dark...” The man took a little break, he sat on a large white couch and a doctor coaxed him on.
“Continue, what was in the room? Where are you?” She scribbled down notes of what he was saying, scribbling all her thoughts and opinions into her white notebook.
“...I couldn’t make out anything but those dark shapes, furniture. I hoped. I pulled on my arms, mentally, telling them to move - practically begging them. Still no response. My legs hurt. That prickly feeling of pins and needles was overwhelming. I was terrified. I started screaming. I yelled for what seemed like forever, my voice drowned out so quickly. I assumed the moss acted like some sort of sound proofing. Helpless, I let my head rest on the ground, as I thought to myself...” He took a small break, he seemed too scared to continue on. The doctor would have none of it.
“Go on. What happened then? I hope you did not come here to tell me you can think.” She glanced over him with those piercing silver eyes, uncaring for his fear. This patient could be the one she had waited for, the one to prove the superiority of hypnotherapy to regular therapy.
“… I just thought as I sat in that room, why I couldn't see anything. I felt like time was passing quickly, uncaring to my situation. It just moved on, and left me behind. My eyes grew tired, and so I let them close. At that moment I felt a pressure come over me, crushing me, it was unbearable...”
The man sitting in the chair started to breathe shallowly. His head twitching side to side sporadically. The doctor placed her hands on the side of his head, trying to hold him in place.
“...Where did it come from?” The mans words were almost spit out of his mouth, as if ‘it’ was just utterly putrid.
“I need assistance in here!” Her voice was stern, like she had done this all before.
“Sir, you’re okay. When I count down to three you will be back in my office. Laying down on this couch, you will stop recalling your nightmare. You will let it fade from your mind.”
The doctor’s voice was soothing, calming, yet stern and assuring. Anyone who assumed her voice or she for that matter was caring, was foolishly mistaken.
“...I tried desperately to open my eyes, but they too had become unresponsive. I heard that whisper in my ear, that demonic whisper. Taunting me, mocking me in every way...” The man continued rambling, his words stringing together and his body began shaking alongside his head.
“3.” The doctor started her countdown, the one she promised would liberate her patient. Other staff at the institute had arrived, holding down the panicked man. Allowing her to stand in front of him, staring down at him like a creator.
“...I went into a frenzy, screaming as long as I could, as loud as I could. But their was no saving grace, no mercy. It lasted a long time before I felt the air in my lungs getting sucked out of me. Dragged out of me. I couldn’t breathe. As hard as I tried, as much as I inhaled, I took in no air...”
“2.” The doctor continued her countdown, steadily, patiently. It was like she did not realise this man was suffering at her expense. For the expense of her proof.
“...I felt the coldness coming over me, that prickly feeling in my legs subsided. It was nothing compared to the feeling of no air in my body. Not being able to bring air into my body. The panic was destroying me, I couldn’t last any longer...”
“1.” The doctor sat down on her seat, on her arm chair. That large green armchair that sat in her white, sterile looking office. She seemed unfazed by the reaction the man had had to her hypnotic therapy. She seemed undisturbed by it all, but her staff was in a panic. Their hands shaking and heart rate elevated. The looked over at her for assurance, but she offered none.
“...I died.” The man swallowed hard, and his breathing quickly returned to normal. His heart rate slowing down considerably quickly. “I died, then why am I here?” The man scurried over to the doctors desk, running his fingers over its stainless steel top. “What did you do to me?” His words were once again spit in disgust. He walked over to her chair and grabbed a hold of her arms. “What did you do to me!”
The woman stared directly into his eyes, her face still bore an expressionless mask. Facade or not, it unnerved the frantic man. “Take a seat.” She pulled her arms out of his grasp, he let go as she did so. He took a few steps back before taking a seat on that white couch. He was dressed in a white robe, one that you are given to wear at a hospital. It was long and white, very plain and simple. He wore long white boxers underneath, she had sent a staff member to grab them when he arrived.
“You aren’t our usual patient,” She leaned back in her green armchair, it was hard to look away. It must have been. The room was so white, so plain and unattractive, the room seemed to pool around that green chair. “We found you. Though, to be more precise.”
“You found me?” The man seemed to be horribly confused, he pulled his legs up in front of him and held them in front of his chest with his arms. Both of his arms coiled around his legs, holding himself.
“I see.” The doctor grabbed the notepad that had fallen to the floor some time during this event, and the silver pen that lay beside it. She quickly made notes regarding his position. “Please, there is no need to do that here. You can trust me.” The doctors words did not sound very sincere, and those silver eyes seemed to look through the man, not at him.
“Do what?” The man sounded timid, he was becoming increasingly nervous. His eyes racing around the room for an exit.
“Do what you are doing now. That defense against me.”
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And I gotta write more. I can try to update if there is any interest ^^ Thanks for reading!
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