|
To Learn to Write
First of all, I'm not sure if this form of thread is allowed here or now. A friend and I are discussing how to better their writing, target spelling errors, grammar mistakes, excluding unnecessary details, and the like, so I assumed this would be a good place, since it's for writing discussion and story help. Technically, this is both.
Moving on: Okay, Kisu, you want to better your writing skills. I know that feeling, and believe me, I'm not the best writer myself! I still make errors from time to time. Anyway, I'd like you to post a few paragraphs of a random or written story you have already, or just come up with a few off the top of your head. After that, I'll review it and let you know what to do! And that's how it works. And if you have questions, of course, just ask away! I don't mind at all, and besides, this is the story help and discussion forum! |
A loud buzzing broke through Anate's dreamworld, forcing his blue eyes to open. He groaned and lifted his head of the pillow, banging around on the end table until the tiny plastic alarm stopped blaring. The sixteen year old pushed away from his fluffy bed and wiped a bit of drool from the side of his face, a gift from his party last night. Another pitiful moan crawled out of his throat and Anate slipped from the bed slowly, the hangover making simple movements painful. He'd obviously forgotten to turn off his school alarm, since the clock read six thirty, and the various pinks and purples mixed with the orange sky signaled dawn.
His blond hair was tousled and his clothes were off, making the short boy wonder what exactly he had done after getting so wasted. As he located his pants amoung the piles of clothes piled along with video games and comic books, and tugged them on, Anate glanced at the bed. It was strange, but it looked like another person was in his bed. Puzzled now, Anate shifted the blanket until he could see a tanned face. A tiny button nose and heavily lashed eyes identified the slim form under the blanket. Celeste Da'Larc laid there, her shoulderblades soft and inviting. The most popular girl in the school was asleep in his bed! I hope this is something like you'd wanted. Let me know what I've done wrong! |
Oh, it's not bad at all! Really, the only thing I'm seeing is to exclude the word 'noise' from the first sentence, and 'endtable' should be two words. Maybe use a different word to describe his hair, since disheveled is sometimes used to describe someone's face or general appearance and clothing. Oh, and re-spell his name in the last line, seems you used a B where it didn't belong.
|
Alright. What word would be better than dishevelled? Should I make those corrections now?
What would you suggest that I could have expanded on, or what parts I could have dropped? |
Oh, yes, make those corrections, but make them in red font so you know what you've altered. A better word would just be something general, like messy, knotted, something along those lines.
I don't think there's anything you could exclude, though. Maybe you could add in the time of day or morning based on the amount of light coming in through some window or what the alarm clock read, maybe describe the tanned face he uncovers and the color of her hair. A very faint description of the room, whether it's messy or halfway clean, the color of the walls. Just general notes that give the room more substance and realism. |
Gotcha. Wow...I was so nervous to have all this laid out for others to see, but your criticism is actual very helpful....
|
I really hope so! I do try to be the best, yet most fair, teacher I can be, and helping is what I'm best at! Whether it's help with how to spell a word, or lay out a sentence structure, or whether to take out or include things or change around a sentence's wording... I just love helping in general, I guess.
|
Well you're very good at it! So...perhaps it would be best to continue correcting me by using the posts in the roleplay. You could do the same you did with the previous paragraph, and I could put my edited text here, since I can't really copy and paste from my phone.
|
| All times are GMT. The time now is 08:31 AM. |