Apron Strings - A one act play
 

This is a one act play that has been produced and competed in the Ontario Sears One Act Play festival. Sadly the show did not go onto the next level, but we did get several awards. The actor who played John and Jason (yes, one guy played both) was given one for doing just that, and I was given an award for writing, directing, and acting all at once. I was Kiki, and she is by far the most fun literary device ever.

Due to the length of this, I'll be posting it by scene. Please tell me what you think of it.

(Lin is on the couch while John stands in his “spot” facing the audience, checking things off of his list. In this scene he does not look at her. He should go to that same spot for most of his scenes)

John: And the dry cleaning?

Lin: I’ll take it to Greg’s after I do the groceries.

John: Do it before, that way nothing will spoil in the car. And, you have the skim milk?

Lin: I always do

John: And you have the eggs?

Lin: Like always

John: And the orange juice?

Lin: Like always.

John: Is it after the fourth?

Lin: Yes.

John: Then if you like you can get some cookies.

Lin: Alright. Anything else?

John: (He looks over his list) Eggs, milk, juice, bread, whole wheat, do you have all that?

Lin: Like always.

John: Has the jam of the month come in yet?

Lin: I thought you canceled it.

John: I should. They haven’t sent it in three months.

Lin: I’ll call about that.

John: Very good. (He goes back to his list) dry cleaners... Did you mail the check to the electricity company?

Lin: I was going to today.

John: Alright (he makes a mark on his list) Did you ever call the Evans back about our bi-yearly dinner?

Lin: Which are the Evans, the accountants or the insurance salesman and his wife?

John: Honestly Lin, we don’t have that many couples we go out with, you should be able to keep them straight.

Lin: Which are they?

John: The lawyer and the secretary.

Lin: Then which are the accountants?

John: We don’t have any friends who are accountants.

Lin: (Pause) Then who’s been doing our taxes the last few years?

John: I have! Oh! (He flips a few pages) I need you to mail our tax form.

Lin: Taxes aren’t due for another three months.

John: I finished early this year (he seems pleased)

Lin: Alright, mail taxes (writes it down) Are you sure we don’t have friends who are accountants?

John: Yes.

Lin: Maybe we should make some that are, that way you wouldn’t have to do our taxes every year. (He gives her a flat look, she sighs) So, skim milk, eggs, whole wheat bread, cookies if I like, orange juice, call the jam of the month people, mail the electricity bill, mail the taxes, am I missing anything?

John: The dry cleaning!

Lin: Oh, shoot (she writes it down) dry cleaning. There.

John: (he pages through) So, what did the Evans say?

Lin: The husband is mailing you his schedule so you can find a date you’ll be in town.

John: That’s suitable. Did you make me a doctor’s appointment?

Lin: (She freezes, and fakes looking at her watch) Oh- hey, isn’t it time you head out?

John: (he checks his watch) Well, I still have three minutes before I need to head out, but the early bird gets the worm.. I’ll be home on Monday. (He blows her a kiss and leaves, once he leaves Lin writes something on her list)

Lin: Make doctors appointment. (She sighs and looks at her list) Is this the extent of my life? A to-do list? Every time I finish something there’s always something new to add, it’s a never ending cycle soy friendly alternatives and accountants. (She writes something down) Make friends with accountants. (She laughs) Goodness, I need to join a club or take something up, I’ve been so restless! (She looks at her list and sighs, tossing it on the couch and pacing around) Why does he get to fly off and do things while I’m stuck in this cycle of soy friendly alternatives and bankers? Planning dinner parties and making doctor appointments. I’m a smart woman, I should have more to occupy my mind then this! (She sort of deflates and picks her list back up, tucking it in her purse) But I don’t, so, no use in complaining, right?

(Enter Kiki)

Kiki: Howdy (she waves) I’m Kiki, and this woman ranting to her sofa set is my mother before I’m born. She’s currently in her late twenties, and has been married to the man you just saw, John, aka Mr. To-do, for… Carry the two… The better part of ten years. Because of this, she’s finding herself in an early mid-life crisis. Thinking it isn’t so bad, much better women are married much longer to worse men, well, you’re probably right. But, what you just saw, isn’t even the worst of it. (She glances around, looking uncomfortable) Their sex life, or, excuse there of, consists of them doing it twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays, unless it’s one of their birthdays, Valentines, Christmas, or an anniversary. On Tuesdays, it’s missionary. Fridays, if he’s home, which he rarely is, she’s on top. For birthdays, she can pick between those two positions. If it’s his birthday, she’s on top. For holidays they take turns picking. I know, no child should ever know this much about her Mother’s sex life.

(Exit Kiki)

(Lin straightens herself out and goes to the door, when she opens it Jason is there, hand half raised to knock)

Lin: Oh.

Jason: That’s kinda strange. (He smiles) Hi, I’m Jason. I just moved in down the street.

Lin: Oh, right, I forgot someone had moved in there. I’m Lin.

Jason: Nice to meet you Lin, I just found a bunch of your mail in my box and thought you might like it (He hands it to her)

Lin: So THAT’S what happened to our jam of the month...

Jason: Jam of the month?

Lin: Er, yes. My husband and I are subscribed to a jam of the month club, once a month-

Jason: They send you a different jam?

Lin: Ah, yes. Oh! Where are my manners? Would you like to come in?

Jason: Sure. (They go in the house) Nice house.

Lin: Thank you. Take a seat, would you like anything?

Jason: Sure, what do you have?

Lin: Water, milk, and orange juice… Jam. (She flitters around, “cleaning up”)

Jason: Not a fan of soda, huh?

Lin: My husband says it’s too sugary.

Jason: But he’s fine with jam?

Lin: I like the jam so I don’t question it (Jason laughs) What? I wasn’t kidding.

Jason: I know, that’s why it’s funny.

Lin: So, what do you do Jason?

Jason: I’m a musician slash artist. I sometimes pretend to be a writer to pick up chicks.

Lin: Does it ever work?

Jason: Not really, no. Here, sit down, you’re making me uncomfortable (she sits next to him) So, how long have you been married?

Lin: Too long (she laughs) I shouldn’t say such a thing.

Jason: No shame in it. Lots of people don’t like being married.

Lin: I suppose. Are you married?

Jason: I’m too much of a gypsy to ever get married.

Lin: Girls don’t take well to the road?

Jason: Not usually. Why do you do it?

Lin: Do it?

Jason: The married thing. Are you happy?

Lin: I think it’s a bit soon for you to be asking me that sort of thing.

Jason: (he shrugs) Sorry, you don’t have to answer if you don’t like.

Lin: (She smiles) I haven’t known why I’m married for quite some time.

Jason: I’m sorry.

Lin: Don’t be. Oh! Your drink, I’m so sorry! (She springs up, and Jason does as well, sort of confused, they crash into each other and fall to the couch, he then slowly puts an arm around her, they freeze)

(Enter Kiki, who tries not to look at the two of them)

Kiki: They then proceeded to do her on top, missionary, the four pointed clam crawl, the Mongolian dictator, the ether binge, the sneaky ninja, and a slew of other things I don’t want to say out loud. Yeah, I don’t know how they got to that either. (She looks at the two of them) Let’s skip ahead a little now, shall we? She and Jason have been seeing each other for the better part of a year. Poor decent John doesn’t have a clue. Oh, sure, he’s noticed my Mother has actually been, oh, I don’t know, happy, she sings as she does things, her shoes don’t always match, she keeps botching up his precious to-do list. And, she keeps bringing strange new things into the house, like salted crackers and soda, and even from time to time, (she glances around) exciting under garments. But, he thinks nothing of it.

(Exit Kiki)

(Enter Jason who comes up behind Lin and hugs her)

Lin: Heya stud

Jason: Afternoon Kitten. Let’s go away.

Lin: What?

Jason: You know, for a weekend or something. We can both pack our nice underwear, eat overly expensive breakfast. Let’s go to France!

Lin: France?

Jason: Yes, it’s a place. One I’ve never been to. Have you?

Lin: Well, no, but-

Jason: But what? I’ve never been, you’ve never been, it’s a romantic place, we’re in a romance, grawr, let’s go!

Lin: Do you have your passport?

Jason: No.

Lin: Me either.

Jason: So?

Lin: My husband is going to wonder why all of a sudden I want a passport.

Jason: Oh, your husband (he seems sulky, Lin looks guilty and goes back to cleaning) Are you ever going to leave him?

Lin: This is new.

Jason: Are you?

Lin: Do you want me to?

Jason: I hate sharing you, Lin.

Lin: I’m sure John does as well.

Jason: (he looks hurt) Do you love him?

Lin: What?

Jason: Do you love him?

Lin: Jason...

Jason: Lin, please, just, answer the question.

Lin: I... Does it matter?

Jason: Obviously it does if I’m asking.

Lin: I... (Softly) I don’t know.(Shouting) Okay? I don’t know! (Back to normal) he’s my husband, (she throws the shirt she was folding to the couch) I keep asking myself why I haven’t left yet, and why I married him in the first place, and I just end up going in circles with no answer. He’s my husband. I married him. I must have loved him at the time, right?

Jason: And you don’t know if you do now.

Lin: Jason, I’m sorry (she moves to hug him or something, but stops at Jason’s line)

Jason: What for? Potentially loving your husband?

Lin: Please, don’t be upset...

Jason: I’m not upset.

Lin: Are you sure?

Jason: Yeah, I’m fine. Listen, I’m gonna go home, you can have some time to think about it. Gimmy a call when you figure things out. Okay?

Lin: Kay (He blows her a kiss and leaves and she curls up on the couch with all of the laundry)

(Enter Kiki)

Kiki: It was then that she decided John should know. He wouldn’t be home for a few more days, but, when he did get home, first thing, she’d tell him. He had been faithful and good to her, he needed to know. And she needed to know if he could forgive her.

(Exit Kiki)

(Lin is folding laundry as she gives this speech, which should be a bit disjointed, and she should almost be abusing her laundry)

Lin: He’s only going to be home for a few hours, I, I should wait, right? ‘Hi, welcome home honey, I’m having an affair, have fun in Chicago for a week!’ (She sighs) If I don’t tell him now, I never will. At least this way he’ll have time to think about it before I have to worry about him snapping and shooting me and Jason in bed... (She pauses and laughs) John wouldn’t hurt a fly, I shouldn’t try to justify me not telling him that way... I really should wait until he’ll have a bit of a break, though, right? That’s only fair, he’s been working all week, he’s going to be exhausted- Who am I kidding? He’s never home for more then three days at a time, if that. Maybe I should just leave him and not tell him about the affair? No, he deserves to know. He’s a good man, I, I’m going to tell him. (She bites her lip) It’ll crush him... No, I, I can’t do it!

(Enter John on one of the wings, he takes off his coat, his jacket, his hat hangs them all up carefully)

Lin: I have to.

(John enters the living room)

John: Hello (John is oblivious, and Lin is very stiff/uncomfortable. They both look directly at the audience)

Lin: Hi. Would you like some tea?

John: Tea? Since when do we drink tea? It’s full of caffeine, that stuff is horrible for you.

Lin: This is herbal tea, no caffeine; it’s actually good for you. Try it, you’ll like it, here, I’ll go fix you a cup (She goes to the kitchen (which can be offstage) and comes back with a cup of tea)

John: In the living room?

Lin: Hm?

John: You want to drink that in here?

Lin: Well, why not? It’s a living room; you’re supposed to live in it, right?

John: We might spill some and stain the couch!

Lin: (She just stops for a second there and then pitches the cup at the couch, this whole speech is given with her looking at John) (At one point during this speech she takes off her apron and throws it at John) And the sky might fall, or terrorists may highjack you and your car, or rabid dogs may breakout of the pound and into the zoo and liberate their animal friends and rampage the city! Or the stock market may go bear on you and you’ll loose 37 cents! Or there may be a horrible frost and orange juice will go up seventeen cents in price! And then, with the 37 cents you lost on the stock market, you’ll have to rework your entire budget to incorporate the fifty four cents difference!

John: (He turns to her, angry and taken aback) What has gotten into you?

Lin: (still screaming) Another man! (Both turn back to the audience. Her hands going to her mouth)

John: P-pardon?

Lin: (Softly) I, I’m having an affair. I have been for months.

(There’s a long pause)

John: Are you leaving me?

Lin: No! Well, maybe... No, no. I, I don’t think so.

John: A-alright. I, you- I have to go or I’ll be late for my flight. I’ll figure something out, but, I-I have to go right now. I’ll be home on Tuesday, we’ll talk more then. (He goes back to the entrance and fumbles putting his coat and jacket and hat back on and reaches for the doorknob, pauses, raises his hand to blow her a kiss, but drops his hand and just leaves)

(Lin, meanwhile, is just standing there sort of mutely and eventually plops down onto the couch. She sits there a while, then laughs)

Lin: I wonder if I can get this couch dry cleaned? It smells like ginger. (She starts laughing more, and eventually starts crying. Once she pulls herself together she picks up the phone) I just told him. (She hangs up. There’s a few seconds before you start to hear Jason running around backstage, then Jason runs in, panting, Lin stares at him sort of subdued from the couch and he stares back)

(This scene should actually be a little funny. Jason is so wound up and anxious, gets more and more frustrated by Lin being so catatonic)

Jason: You told him?

Lin: Yes.

Jason: Well, what happened?!

Lin: I told him, he said he had to go, and he’ll be back next week, we’ll talk more then.

Jason: Was he angry?

Lin: Probably.

Jason: Did he act angry?

Lin: He just ran off.

Jason: So he’s going to have a week to sit on this?

Lin: Yes.

Jason: And you didn’t leave him, did you Lin?

Lin: No, I, I didn’t.

Jason: (He turns to the audience. Unlike John, he still glances at Lin at some points) Are you going to?
Lin: (She’s about to say no but then looks at Jason) I don’t know...

Jason: (He sighs and rubs his temple) He’s the type to snap and stalk cubicle to cubicle with an ak47, isn’t he?

Lin: A what?

Jason: It’s a gun.

Lin: Oh.

Jason: Well?

Lin: Well what?

Jason: Is he the type to?

Lin: I doubt it. But I’ve never met someone who did that, I hardly know the type.

Jason: You baffle me sometimes Lin, you really do (this isn’t a malicious statement) He keeps everything inside, doesn’t really emote, doesn’t open up to others...

Lin: You’re describing most men in this country.

Jason: I open up to you.

Lin: I said most, not all. (Jason sighs) What?

Jason: Nothing. Well, no. I think he might try to kill you if you try to leave him. (Lin laughs) You think that’s funny?

Lin: John would never do such a thing

Jason: How do you know? You said he doesn’t open up.

Lin: I’ve been married to the man for nearly ten years. You sort of get to know that kind of thing.

Jason: I’d like to be here. I won’t be in the room, he doesn’t need to know I’m here, I’ll hide upstairs, and if you think he might hurt you, then you can call for me.

Lin: And if I don’t leave him?

Jason: (He looks hurt) Then I’ll leave out the window without a word and you’ll never see me again. (He sniffs and seems like he’s about to cry) What smells like Ginger? (If the cup landed anywhere neat Lin, she grabs is and hides it, if not, she just reacts to the comment)

(Enter Kiki)

Kiki: For the next week, Jason hardly left the house, convinced that when he did, John would come back in the house drunken and angry and start beating Lin horribly. For the next week Lin hardly stopped laughing at Jason, despite really not wanting to. He was acting out of concern for her, terribly misplaced concern, but, concern none the less… Right? (Exit)

(Lin is curled up on the couch before John enters, when he does she springs up)

Lin: Hey.

John: Did you break it off with him?

Lin: Days ago.

John: (He lets out a big sigh and seems relived) Alright, that’s good. (They’re both quiet for a while)

Lin: So... How was your trip?

John: Fine. It was fine.

Lin: Well, that’s good.

John: The orange juice every where I seemed to go was pure pulp, though, but, other then that...

Lin: (She laughs) You got off lucky if that was the worst of your trip.

John: I suppose I did.

(They’re both quiet)

John: We need to figure this out.

Lin: Yeah, we do.

John: Let’s make a plan.

Lin: Alright (There’s a long pause) I’ve got nothing if you’re waiting for me to go first.

John: Well, let’s start with something simple.

Lin: Simple is good.

John: (He nods) Could be very good (he sort of zones out, staring off into space)

Lin: (She seems nervous) This is the part where you tell me what you have in mind.

John: Something... (he smiles and faces her, walking over) different.

Lin: (She glances at the stairs, and is half calling to Jason) Different may not be so good!

John: (He freezes, snapping back to himself and stares at Lin who’s nervously glancing from him to the stairs. He then walks back to where he was and faces the audience again) You didn’t break it off, did you?

Lin: I, well, no. Not quite. (John waits a moment before just walking out, hesitating a moment at the door with the thought to blow her a kiss, but he throws his hand down and shakes his head. Lin sits down on the couch heavily and puts her head in her hands. John comes back in, and the two look at each other for a second, before he just grabs his suitcase and leaves. She buries her face in her hands again and pulls herself back together when Jason comes into the room) He’s gone.

Jason: I heard. (There’s a long pause) So.

Lin: So.

Jason: You didn’t leave him.

Lin: No, I didn’t.

Jason: You really do love him, don’t you?

Lin: Yeah, I suppose I do.

Jason: (He nods) Right. I should have thought of that when this whole thing started, right? (She’s silent and avoids his eye, he just shakes his head) I can’t do this anymore Lin. (He leaves. All the lights dim except for on Lin. Lin sort of slides off of the couch and curls up on the ground crying)

Kiki: (Her voice is coming from somewhere in the darkness) And so my Mother fell in love with two men who were essentially the same person, and lost them both. What, think I’m trying to be ironic on them being the same person? Think about it. On the surface, they’re polar opposites, one plans out what underwear he’ll be wearing for the next month, the other doesn’t even always wear underwear... But, they’re both authentically decent guys who did everything they could for my Mother and eventually reached their limit at her hands. (She’s quiet for a while) Wondering how I come into the picture? My Mother right now is pregnant with me, and she knows it. She doesn’t know who my Father is, and neither will I.

(Lin stays curled up on the floor crying once Kiki is done speaking for a while, eventually the lights go out)

End.