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Anna's Story: Is it worth continuing?
So I was clearing up space in my documents, and came across this beginning of a story I had written months ago. I read it over, and thought it was actually pretty good. I'm not sure what could happen next, but do you think this is a good beginning? Is it worth writing more?
For once, the cramped Greyhound bus fell silent. For the first time in 4 hours, I could think clearly, without my thoughts being interrupted by the shrieks and giggles of my fellow Synagogue members. We were headed for Savannah Georgia, for a Jewish Social Program called PEACE. I still wasn't sure what PEACE was supposed to stand for, but then again, I wasn't sure why I was on this over crowded bus in the first place. My mother had somehow talked me into thinking that this trip would be a good "social experience for me. As if five hours of make up work for school is going to be good for me. I peeked around the carpeted vehicle, trying to figure out why it was so quiet. Mostly everyone's heads were resting on a colorful assortment of small pillows, sleeping. As I looked around, I was surprised to see that there were about an equal number of girls and guys on this trip. I guess the had convinced more girls to come this time by telling them it would be held in a four star hotel, instead of log cabins like last time. Of course, that would mean the price increased by about 40%, but they have an endless supply of cash, available to them whenever wanted, so it really doesn't matter. My eyes fell on a girl the same age as me. I almost caught myself whispering her name to myself. "Jesse." The five letters danced around in my mind, like white rose petals on a geisha's face. I had always known she was beautiful. But looking at her, sleeping, her chest pulsing in and out with every breath. She truly had to be the most gorgeous young lady I had ever layed eyes on. Those long, black locks. Those bulging hazel eyes, with dark fluttering eyelashes. I wasn't attracted to her, I had my eyes on the male species. But oh yes, I knew there were at least a bakers dozen of guys on the waiting list to court her. I only wish someone could look into my eyes, and tell me how extraordinary I really am inside. I took my treasured mechanical pencil out of my handmade purse. I took it everywhere, just in case I had one my little moments of creativity. I dug my journal out of my handbag, and flipped through the buttercup yellow pages. There were a lot of song lyrics I had written in it, some poems, and a few sketches too. I gazed out the rain streaked windows, watching the trees roll by. I placed the tip of the lead on an empty yellow page. Soon, all that could be heard in the bus was my pencil flowing through the paper, and the occasional flip of the book a girl near me was reading. The words just seemed to effortlessly make their way from my brain, through my fingertips, and on to the page. Finally, when I felt the lyrics had captured the moment, sort of bottled up my feelings and spewed them out on the paper, I placed my pencil in the seat's cupholder. I read the words, over, and over, and over again. Every time I read them, I loved them more. I carefully put my journal back in it's place, and closed my weary eyes. |
It's not bad, really. A good enough beginning if you have a plot line to follow it. There are a few things I'd work on in this, but if it's a rough draft, then it has definite potential.
Just a few comments: I think the imagery of the rose petals on a geisha's face is off. First of all, I'm not certain what rose petals on a geisha's face look like or how it relates to the letters of someone's name. More importantly, though, you should stay within context. Your narrator is on a trip with a Jewish Synagogue and you're using imagery that references Japanese entertainers. It's a little too far removed. You should be careful with your words sometimes. Most notably "the male species." Males are not a species of their own. Besides just the bumbling nature of this phrase, it's a waste of words. Two things. One, you should write all fiction like you have a limited number of words and you don't want to use them unnecessarily. Two, you should never give the reader a reason to pause and think too hard about the way you've worded something. It distracts them from the plot and makes it harder for them to get back into the storyline. I also have an issue with "spewed them out on the paper," but that's for reasons mentioned above. Remember, it needs to do more than just sound good in your head; it needs to make sense too. These are just little things though. If you have more in mind for this, then, by all means, write away. |
To add onto Amari Tsuki's critique:
Try to stick with just one mood within the story, and adapt your language to it. There were several little phrases and vocabulary words that seemed remarkably out of place it me. Remember - this is all taking place on a dreary Greyhound bus, filled with a crowd of people, after four hours of driving. Do words like "buttercup" or "danced" really fit well into this scenario? Don't create artful language simply for the sake of making the story sound pretty. You're telling a tale here - Stick to the time and place you're in. There's not much that I can really tell about the story yet, but as long as you have a good idea on where it's going to go, you should continue. You've got a solid start. |
Yes, I totally agree with what both of you had said.
I really appreciate it. I wrote this several months ago, actually more than several months ago, and my writing has changed and developed a lot since then. But your suggestions will help me now, and with my writing in the future. Thanks! |
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