42 ways to get electric power from hamsters (last twelve)

31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will
heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the
planets temperature as much as you want.

32. Pull the hamster out of [email protected]'s ass. Then when they turn red &
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine

33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to
begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation
to electricity. - seano

34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...

35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity
waves to rotate hydro-turbine.

36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters
_are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?)
Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got
electricity.
(I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly
clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an
make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese
practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five
hits or so. QED.)

37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled
wires.

38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma
until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy
conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic

39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-
matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the
resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. -ERic

40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
energy. -Eric

41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation
and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial
to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into
their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors
will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to
pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?)
Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._

42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will
try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates
static electricty.

You Play Too Much DOOM, When...(came up with this after playing DOOM for 6 hours straight >.<)

*You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.
*You try to pull out your BFG9000 after someone cuts you
off on your way to work...
*You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them..
*You eat the blue and green balls off the christmas tree
*You feel lousy and look down for the status bar
*You grab your kid's backpack and can't believe its empty!?
*Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too
close to the recycle barrel.
*The only way your wife can get your attention is to throw tomatoes at you.
*Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.
*Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys!
*You know for sure you've played to much when you try to look
around the edges of your screen for the cyberdemon that got away.
*You back-up your DOOM files daily.
*You try to double click on every door in the house.
*You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.
*Your seat cushion doesn't return to normal upright position.
*You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween
(and your friends still know who you are).
*You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that
direction before you stand up.
*You won't go into rooms with a red carpet .....
*You expect every door to open up not in. (this can be quite painful
sometimes)
*You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot
your mailman.
*When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.
*Going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning
lights on, you fire a missile into the room.
*Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly
to see what follows you out.
*You don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably
pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
*Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
*You start side-stepping into rooms.
*You push on walls, as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances.
*You reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold gives her the sniffles.
*You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.
*You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
*You can't stop squinting as you walk around your house.
*You think you can actually walk through walls.
*The border and status area are burned into your monitor.
*You know ALL the ID codes by heart.
*You find jokes about playing too much DOOM funny.

Heaven? (first)

When Stevie Ray Vaughn died, he was greeted at the pearly gates
by Jimi Hendrix. Stevie was, needless to say, awestruck, especially
when Jimi showed him around Rock and Roll heaven. They walked by
a room, and inside was Janis Joplin, swimming in Southern Comfort.
"WOW" said Setvie, "that's Janis Joplin!!" "Yeah" said Jimi. They
next passed a room with Elvis inside, surrounded by bananas and bread,
and he was furiously making fried banana sandwiches. Stevie was, again,
awestruck. The next room contained Jim Morrison with stacks of paper
around him, some laced with acid, others covered by Morrison's poetry
drivel. Stevie smiled and decided hew was going to enjoy it there.
The next room they passed had Bono (lead singer of U2) inside, and he
was admiring himself in a mirror, doing his hair. "WAIT!" faltered
Stevie, "Bono's not dead yet!!" "No no no," said Jimi, "That's
God, he just thinks he's Bono!"

Heaven? (second)

One day, the gates to Heaven had a glitch in their computer system (angel
error,
not God's) and there was about a two hour backlog in getting people to their
final destinations. Luckily, things were going pretty slow and only three
people showed up in the down time. When everything was back online,
Saint
Peter
went to get the first person who arrived.

Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.

Person: Oh that's fine, I'm gonna be here for eternity, what's a few hours?

Peter: That's just great. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "God?"

Person: Sure, Capital-G O D.

Peter: Great. You can go on in.

Saint Peter went to the second person waiting for entry.

Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.

Person: Oh that's fine, I'm just so excited, I'm finally gonna see Jesus!

Peter: Oh good. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "God?"

Person: Sure, G...um, Capital-G O D.

Peter: Great. You can go on in.

Saint Peter went to the third person waiting for entry.

Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.

Person: Well heck! I've been waiting all my life! I've waited in grocery
store lines, in traffic, in cafeteria lines,... gosh, you think
when you get to heaven someone would have gotten their act together!

Peter: Well, okay. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "Czechoslovakia?"

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON

This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in
a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
and killed it.

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from
his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had
to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly
left the building.

A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing
the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000
pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a
practical joke.

Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
trapped in the revolving doors again.

High School vs College (written one day in study period)

25. In high school, you do homework. In college you study.

24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must
be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college on
both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be
cool.

18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)

17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you
get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have
the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your
tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way
out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in
college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade
even than your high school final exams did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled
back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it
down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on in order to figure out where
he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10 it's much more
time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she
will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a
day.

7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class or two or three, you don't need a
note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In
college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

DO RE MI DRINKSung by Homer Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer

ME...... the one who drinks the beer

FAR..... a long run to get beer

SO...... I'll have another beer

LA...... I'll have another beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer

And that will bring us back to DOUGH...

YOUR HOROSCOPE(Written by Oscar The Grouch)

Aquarius: Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again.
People think you are stupid. A snake would be an idea pet for you.

Pisces: Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the
CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent
you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally
a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals. Your dog wants
to bite you.

Aries: Mar. 21 to April 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick
tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. Please
clean out your cat's litter box.

Taurus: April 20 to May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work
like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are a
communist. Rush Limbaugh loves you.

Gemini: May 21 to June 20
You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are
bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

Cancer: June 21 to July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They
think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer
people. You need to learn how to wipe better.

Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo
people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening
to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love. Virgo's make good busdrivers. Your pet rats like you.

Libra: Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you
are a man, you more than likely are queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All
Libras die of venereal disease. You should flush your toilet more often.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall receive the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio
people are murdered. Trade in your ant farm for termites.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dc. 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or
dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal. Fleas look good on you.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they are apt to be
mistaken for inanimate objects. Do you really think Dan Quayle is intelligent.

How do YOU do it?

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Economists do it with indifference.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
Magicians do it with mirrors.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are screw'n'edge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Politicians do it with everyone.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.

How Quick!

PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually
taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
_always_ an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a
double affirmative being used as a negative.

STUDENT: Yeah, right.

AV Angels

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa...

It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so
many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that
he could permit himself time to rest. They were already way behind schedule
with the production of toys, and would probably have to skip a few countries
this year. Climbing out of bed, he found his slippers shredded by the dog.
Opening the cupboard, he couldn't find any clean working clothes. When he
brushed his teeth, the toothbrush broke. He went into the kitchen for break-
fast, only to find a note from his wife that she was tired of being treated as
his servant in the months running up to christmas, and that he must prepare
his own breakfast!

By this time he had already become quite agitated. He stood up to make himself
some breakfast, and looked out of the window only to find all the elve-workers
striking for more money and less work. Sighing, he went out to see what he
could do. On his way to the strikers he passed the camp where all the reindeer
are kept, and to his dismay found that someone had left the gate open and all
the reindeer had escaped. Things were just not going his way...

He was grumbling and muttering to himself as he made his way to the strikers,
when one of the young angels came up to him with a small pine tree swung
across his shoulder.

"Father Christmas, what do you want me to do with this tree?"

And now you now you know how the tradition started of putting an angel on the
top of a Christmas tree.

HOW TO BE A COOL ASIAN (Based on fact!)

1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or
white.
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering
machine.
3. Own a cellular phone.
4. Have only Asian friends.
5. Speak only in Asian languages.
6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're
actually going to class.
7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.
8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.
9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if
you're with friends.
10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.
11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties."
12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare
menacingly at all other Asians.
14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
15. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS
YOU LIKE.
16. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH
YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY.
17. Wear only designer labels.
18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible.
Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of
the apparel.
19. Own a pair of Doc Martens.
20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even
if you know nothing about them.
21. Make sure your parents are doctors or better yet,
grocery store owners.
22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER.
23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in
your car.
24. Own a sports car.
25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already
dated.
26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.
27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the
religion.
28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the
head of a circumsized penis.
30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with
tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness."
31. Two words: Manhattan Portage.
32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is
small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely
related to the loudness of your car's engine.
33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small
chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related
to the amount of make up on your face.
34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
35. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can
look like a goldfish.
36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a
cooler one."
37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare
menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain
about the "theft" of your women.

HOW TO BE ANNOYING

=Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".
=Drum on every available surface.
=Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for
alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
=Staple papers in the middle of the page.
=Ask 800 operators for dates.
=Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
=Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
=Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
=Set alarms for random times.
=Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...
=Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
=Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.
=Honk and wave to strangers.
=Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
=Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
=Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.
=Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".
=ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
=Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
=Pay for your dinner with pennies.
=Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
=Light road flares on a birthday cake.
=Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
=Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
=Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
=Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
=At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
=When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
=Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
=As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
=Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
=Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
=Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
=Drive half a block.
=Name your dog "Dog".
=Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
=Ask people what gender they are.
=Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.
=Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
=Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.
=Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr.
Rogers theme song.
=While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
=Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
=Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
=Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
=Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.
=Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
=Ask to "interface" with someone.
=Sing along at the opera.
=Mow your lawn with scissors.
=At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
=Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
=Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles".
=Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket."
=Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
--Deuteronomy 21

15. Find a prostitute and marry her.
--Hosea (Hosea 1)

14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
his flock.
--Moses (Exodus 2)

13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
--Boaz (Ruth 4)

12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance,
grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
--Benjaminites (Judges 21)

11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you a rib.
--Adam (Genesis 2)

10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
--Jacob (Genesis 29)

9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
--David (1 Samuel somewhere)

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.)
--Cain (Genesis 4)

7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
--Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
"I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question
your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
--Samson (Judges 14)

5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
--David (2 Samuel 9)

4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
--Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity.
--Solomon (1 Kings 11)

2. A wife?...NOT!!!
--Paul (I Corinthians 7)

1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry
a whole bunch of people.
--Jesus (Revelation 15?)

How to get rid of Door-to-door Missionaries

* A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and a few copies of
The Watchtower scattered around...
* My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say (in a very sweet
voice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a damn about Jesus." Worked everytime.
The missionaries just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed
disbelief.
* Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried off
perfectly. The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the missionary
will be: Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say "Allah be
Praised!!!" and just see what happens.
* Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to missionaries. For
extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car.
Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the
missionary. Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
* The young couple came to my door. I was wearing my robe, and had just
awakened. Now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person
anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I
have hair all over everywhere. I made my eyes real piercing, and stared
past them. I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in
their getup and their bland faces.Well the female one obviously is
supposed to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said:
"We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...." And then she stared
helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh... uh..."I
then did a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast
gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture
between Peter Lore and Lurch, I said: I... WILL... TAKE... YOUR...
LITERATURE... AND... GIVE... IT... TO... MY... MASTER. The male one
quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling. they did
not ask for a donation.They ran.It's a true story, and they never came
back.
* A friend claims that when missionaries knock on her door, her
first response is to ask for their address. When they ask why she wants
to know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs. So
far, none of them have given their address. It also marks the end of
the interview. SLAM!
* A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about
God?" She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
* Missionary ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow.
Interrupts SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't
do that.
SIW: Thank you, but I already have a religion.
Missionary: May I ask what it is?
SIW: I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's
legal in this country.
Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the
stairs.
* I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you
come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who's

in your spicerack? HERB
in a British restroom? LOU
in a bank vault? RICH
in a porn flick? DICK
in a sound system? MIKE
in a sandwich? REUBEN
being climbed on? JIM
been run over by a train? BART
in a flowerbed? BUD
put through a meat grinder? CHUCK
being torched to death? BERNIE
in your gas tank? PHIL
under a steamroller? LANE
sitting on your drums? TOM
under a train? SPIKE
in a instruction book? MANUEL
stuffed in a carryall? PACO
swims like a fish? GIL
always asking for seconds at the dinner table? MOE
sitting next to MOE at the dinner table? LES
being cooked by cannibals? STU
in a hayloft? BARNEY
being stoned to death? ROCKY
in a chicken coop? HENRY
on a French farm? HECTOR
dying of cancer? KENT
been pushed into a swimming pool? BOB
been tacked to the wall? ART
skimming across the pond? SKIP
holding up a car? JACK
been tossed into an Irish fireplace? PETE
always getting shit on? JOHN
been stuffed into a wallet? BILL
been thrown in boiling water with a bunch of vegetables? STU
always getting stepped on? MATT
covered with mustard? FRANK
been mauled by wild animals? CLAUDE
been struck by lightning? ROD
makes you an offer you can't refuse? DON
dealing cocaine? RICH
who needs a boil popped? LANCE
about to propose marriage? NEIL
a dyslexic Christmas carol singer? LEON
always wearing woman's sexy lingerie? TEDDY
always reminding you of a forest meadow? GLEN
helping you put up paneling? BRAD
always cutting himself shaving? NICK
steals money from banks? ROB
unable to sign his name? MARK
just pulled his gun in a gunfight? DREW
on a roll next to the toilet? SCOTT
underneath a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
just been made a Saint? BERNARD
job is making screwdrivers? PHILLIP
a chromosome researcher? GENE
just hanging out? WILLIE
sitting in your toolbox? STANLEY
who needs a shave? HARRY
Russian? RED
black? COLE

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
o Drunk gets nine months in violin case
o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
o Farmer Bill dies in house
o Iraqi head seeks arms
o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
o Stud tires out
o Prostitutes appeal to Pope
o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
o British left waffles on Falkland Islands
o Eye drops off shelf
o Teacher strikes idle kids
o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
o Squad helps dog bite victim
o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
o Miners refuse to work after death
o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
o Stolen painting found by tree
o Two soviet ships collide, one dies
o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
o War dims hope for peace
o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
o Cold wave linked to temperatures
o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

That's an odd ad

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a
man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard n duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in
the long run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

Two signs from a Majorca shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American

Really Stupid People

- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

- A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced
shooting beer cans off each other's head.

- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles
on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave
the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required
seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.

- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.

- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had
boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and
back pain.

- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript
to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

- A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he
went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.

- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused
to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.

- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer
stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

* Women would rule the world.

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality
you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for
apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open
it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and
claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but
tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when
you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most
people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims
that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to
change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95
beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and
suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you
have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which
case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who
has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked
up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original
manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in
a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was
originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design
hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure
development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list
of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an
unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that
this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

Oh America

At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place
in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.

A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take
a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
could take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks!"

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah! We can take an
asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the Whitehouse, and half the country
will be looking for work the next day!"

I'm Glad I'm a Man. (written by my fiance')

I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My crdit card is still good when I leave from the mall.
I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.
It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs.
I won't throw a tyrade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.
I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class.
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.
I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot."
I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command.
The bible and God say all women must serve under man.
I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt,
Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt.
You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.
I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail.
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.
I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.

IN A PERFECT WORLD...

...a person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17, and he would
actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
...you could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
...forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
...doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the
most.
...pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid
contracts worth millions of dollars.
...people would always have good reasons to be optimistic.
...you would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball
yourself.
...the mail would always be early, the check would always be in the
mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
...potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with dip, the
calories would be neutralized.
...if the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only
would he mean it, but he would do it.
...first impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate
performance.
...winning might be a nice thing, but that would be all.
...all people would expect to be accepted.
...every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly
would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
...highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but
would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get
off your bumper.
...the better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
...warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
...more would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.

Healthy

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to
Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put `Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick
bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took
care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had
planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of
the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking
my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of
my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when
one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not
a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking
mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force
the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating
myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a
minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and
rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly
arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention
of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called
the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two
police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 `On-the-Spot'
news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as
this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team
discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall
that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His
discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the
stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property
destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did
not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an
intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the
device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue
truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to
think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.
First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing
items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally
achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the
device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact
with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third,
molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut
through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage
to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give
a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I
thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,

S. Anderson