nice! you have alot of pages. O_O it will take me awhile to read through them, going backwards.

so far, i really like your "If men got pregnant" one. i can see all those things happening.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK

(10) When filling out your driver's license application
you give your IP address.
(9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
(8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
e-mail.
(7) You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
(6) You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to
make sure they're listening to you.
(5) You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
silly free T-shirt contest.
(4) You introduce your wife as "my [email protected]" and
refer to your children as "client applications."
(3) At social functions you introduce your husband as
"my domain server."
(2) After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt
out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"

.....And the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

(1) Two words: "Pizza's here."

Originally Posted by Kongouseki

nice! you have alot of pages. O_O it will take me awhile to read through them, going backwards.

so far, i really like your "If men got pregnant" one. i can see all those things happening.

LMAO thank you! I'm glad people have started reading my pages! I really hope you don't find some of the stuff offensive cos a lot of it is just plain rude lol.

Originally Posted by opiate

LMAO thank you! I'm glad people have started reading my pages! I really hope you don't find some of the stuff offensive cos a lot of it is just plain rude lol.

if you met my friends, you wouldnt find anything offensive. 8) does you fiance like to write in his spare time or something? cause that "I'm Glad I'm a Man" one is good.

I knew I was in big trouble at work when:

* the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

* the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

* my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

* I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

* my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

* the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

* the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

* I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

* my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

* my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

* three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

* the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

* a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

* the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Originally Posted by Kongouseki

if you met my friends, you wouldnt find anything offensive. 8) does you fiance like to write in his spare time or something? cause that "I'm Glad I'm a Man" one is good.

He's only done a few cos, well, he's a very tallented poet. But they aren't really along the same lines. He wrote a short poem on Marijuana a while back (I'll see if I can find it for you) that had me in tears because it was so funny. But yeah....I'll ask him when he gets back from work if he has anymore I could use as he HAS A FAN!

Originally Posted by opiate

He's only done a few cos, well, he's a very tallented poet. But they aren't really along the same lines. He wrote a short poem on Marijuana a while back (I'll see if I can find it for you) that had me in tears because it was so funny. But yeah....I'll ask him when he gets back from work if he has anymore I could use as he HAS A FAN!

lol thanks!

so far, your stuff has truth in it. just got done reading "High School vs College" U_U so true...

Originally Posted by Kongouseki

lol thanks!

so far, your stuff has truth in it. just got done reading "High School vs College" U_U so true...

Which did you go to? College or HS?

Wisest of Men

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of
the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway
as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

i just finished high school, but i have college friends who have confirmed most of your list.

Originally Posted by Kongouseki

i just finished high school, but i have college friends who have confirmed most of your list.

Lol. So I was acurate? Neat! I went to both (oddly) cos I got expelled from my HS and then got sent to a private college....Stupid school!

18 STUPID AND HEARTLESS THINGS TO SAY IN THE LADIES DRESSING ROOM

# That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

# I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

# Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you
were a man...

# I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he
said it made me look like Edna Everage.

# Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

# Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

# Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

# Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the
'plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

# Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

# Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers

# I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your
roots

# Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?

# Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

# God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

# I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I
followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four
skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really
all you...

Originally Posted by opiate

Lol. So I was acurate? Neat! I went to both (oddly) cos I got expelled from my HS and then got sent to a private college....Stupid school!

wow! that's something i've never heard of happening.

well, it's time for me to go to bed. it's almost 2:3oAM and my computer is starting to slow down. ^^; i'll be back tomorrow to read some more. bye!

Originally Posted by Kongouseki

wow! that's something i've never heard of happening.

well, it's time for me to go to bed. it's almost 2:3oAM and my computer is starting to slow down. ^^; i'll be back tomorrow to read some more. bye!

Bye and thanks for reading my thread!

What Other Countries Learn About US from Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days
running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each
hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always
works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for
an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of
any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat,
but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts
that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of
two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to
be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by
terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs
in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain
that they are poor, they all have expensive sports
cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David
Hasselhoff like NightRider.

Words Of Wisdom (part1)

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable.
The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy.

-Ancient Chinese Warlord

To me old age is 15 years older than I am.

-Bernard Baruch

Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.

-Charles Baudelaire

The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.

-Walter Bilbey

I have lived in the world just long enough to look carefully the
second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time.

-Josh Billings

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as
any other fragile and precious thing.

-Randolph S. Bourne

Top executives cannot afford to be isolated from the people below,
who are in better touch with what is going on, and cannot afford to set
unrealistic goals.

-Charles Burck

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.

-James F. Byrnes

You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without
having asked any clear question.

-Albert Camus

Let us keep our mouths shut and our pens dry until we know the facts.

-A. J. Carlson

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

-Dale Carnegie

The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is
your move.

-Frank Crane

Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness
without action.

-Benjamin Disraeli

Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their
minds are incompetents in asylums, who can't and those in cemeteries.

-Everett Dirksen

Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity.

-Charles G. Dawes

Words Of Wisdom (part2)

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

-Thomas Dewar

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your
own. You may both be wrong.

-Dandemis

Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises.

-Demosthenes

The world is full of cactus, but we don't have to sit on it.

-Will Foley

If something goes wrong, it is more important to talk about who is
going to fix it, than who is to blame.

-Francis J. Gable

Expressing anger is a form of public littering.

-Willard Gaylin

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater

There are only 2 enterprises that refer to their customers as
users, and one is illegal

-Michael Hammer

The secret to Hewlett-Packard's success is that we've simply got
more bonfires burning at one time.

-Bill Hewlett

Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.

-Edgar W. Howe

I try to have no plans the failure of which would greatly annoy me.
Half the unhappiness in the world is due to the failure of plans which
were never reasonable, and often impossible.

-Edgar W. Howe

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their
own good.

-Kin Hubbard

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.

-- Hubert Humphrey

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.

-O. W. Holmes

If it can't be understood, it's not finished yet.

-Paul Herbig

If I have to tell a guy he's got something to do, I consider myself
a failure as a manager.

-Bill Hewlett

Give us the fortitude to endure the things which cannot be changed,
and the courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom
to know one from the other.

-Oliver J. Hart

There are times when even the best manager is like the little boy
with the big dog waiting to see where the dog wants to go so he can take him
there.

-Lee Iacocca

Everything must be done immediately even if it doesn't have to be.

-Larry Kane

You can't sit on the lid of progress. If you do, you will be blown
to pieces.

-Henry Kaiser

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little
longer.

-- Henry Kissinger

Consider carefully before you say a hard word to a man, but never
let a chance to say a good one go by. Praise judiciously bestowed is money
invested.

-George Horace Lorimer

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.

-John Lubbock

The more noise a motor or a man makes the less power is available.

-W. R. McGeary

The person who walks alone is soon trailed by the FBI.

-Wright Morris

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?

-- Robert Moses

When people cease to complain, they cease to think.

-Napolean

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides
correctly, but he always decides.

-John H. Patterson

In all labor there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.

-Proverbs

Those who obstinately oppose the most widely held opinions more often
do so because of pride than lack of intelligence. They find the best places in
the right set already taken, and they do not want back seats.

-La Rochefoucauld

The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good
people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from
meddling with them while they do it.

-Theodore Roosevelt

Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as
nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

-George Bernard Shaw

Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
print the chaff.
-- Adlai Stevenson

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

-Cecile Stewart

Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no
wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to
communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience;
if brusque, your character.

-Jonathan Swift

Most novices picture themselves as masters - and are content with the
picture. This is why there are so few masters.

-Jean Toomer

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then
success is sure.

-Mark Twain

The paths of glory at least lead to the grave, but the paths of duty
may not get you any where.

-James Thurber

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.

-Leonardo da Vinci

Never rise to speak till you have something to say; and when you
have said it, cease.

-Witherspoon

Isolation breeds conceit.

-Charles Dudley Warner

Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of the
pleasures; costs nothing and conveys much. It pleases him who receives, and
thus, like mercey, is twice blessed.

-Erastus Wiman

Life got you down? Be glad your not an egg!

So you think your life is bad...
Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
It takes two minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with eleven other guys.
And the only chick to sit on your face was your mom.

Loony Sex Laws that You Never Knew You
Were Breaking (seriously)

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during
sex.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you- or holding
you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members
of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're
nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a
couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on
the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless
they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from
behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes
before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Jonny runs up to his mother. He says "Mum, I need to know what sex is." so his mother explains in detail. Then little Jonny pulls a funny face. "What is it dear?" his mother enquires. "Nothing Mum. I just can't figure out how I can fit all of that into this little check box"

--------------------------------------------

**sings** Little Johny's dead and gone. We'll never see him more. For what he thought was H2O, was H2S04!

---------------------------------------------

Little Johnny goes running up to his dad, "Dad, Dad.....whats sex?"
His dad turns bright red and starts explaining all the facts of life to his young son, when he finishes he says "But Johnny, i thought you were a little young to want to know about sex. Why did you ask?"
"Coz mum said tea would be ready in a couple of them.......but i aint goin through that just for some food"

----------------------------------------------

Little Johnny is sitting in class, when the teacher says, "ok children, today we are going to play a game. We are going to use the letters of the alphabet to name an animal, then we will make the noise that animal makes.....ok, first letter is A" All the children, put their hands up. The teacher avoids choosing Johnny, knowing that he will say something like A*^&hole and make farting noises. She chooses Sally, who says Ape, and starts with the grunting and chest banging. "Very Good Sally" The teacher says, "Now the next letter is the letter B, How about you Brian?" "Budgerigar miss," The boy then starts to chirp and tweet, in a good imitation of a bird. She gets all the way down to P, and the only student who hasn't had a turn is little Johnny, so the teacher grits her teeth, and says "OK, Johnny, what animal starts with the letter P"
"Pig, miss" The teacher is ectsatic, Johnny didn't choose a vulgar word.....just plain old PIG
"Very, Very good johnny.....and what noise does a pig make?" "GET OUT OF THE CAR, or i will blow your goddamn head off you criminal scum" Yells Johnny

Weird Animals (part 1: The Duck)

A duck waddles into a supermarker, waddles up and down all the isles and comes up to the service counter.
"Can I help you?" says the pimply girl behind the desk.
"Yes," says the duck. "I'm looking for duck food. Do you sell duck food here?"
The clerk looks at him funny and replies
"Um, sir, I don't think we do. Sorry."
The duck looks cross and leaves the store.

The next day the duck returns, repeats his actions and waddles up to the service desk.
"Got any duck food?" he inquires. The same pimply girl looks at him with surprise evident on her face.
"Duck food? Sir, I told you yesterday, we don't sell duck food here."
The duck, again, looks very cross and exits the store.

The next day, the duck AGAIN repeats himself. He returns to the service desk to find the same pimply youth sitting before him.
"Got any duck food?" He asks.
"No!" Shouts the clerk. "I told you yesterday. I told you the day before that. WE DONT SELL DUCK FOOD HERE! If you come back tomorrow and ask me again, I will nail your flippers to the floor!" Again the duck leaves the supermarket cross.

The next day the duck returns, waddles up and down the ilses and returns to the service desk to see the pimply youth STILL sitting there.
"Got any nails?" He asks.
"Nails?" repeats the clerk, somewhat confused. "No, I don't have any nails."
"GREAT!" exclaims the duck. "In that case, got any duck food?"

Weird Animals (part 2: The Library)

A chicken walks into a library, jumps up on the counter and starts clucking frantically at the librarian "Book, Book, book", it clucks. The librarian is a little confused, but hands it a book. The chicken promptly tucks the book under its' wing and walks out the library door. Ten minutes later it returns, drops the book it left with on the counter, and starts making chicken noises again "Book, book, book" it clucks. The librarian is astounded, but nonetheless hands it another book, whereupon the chicken walks out the door again......and returns ten minutes later "book, book, book" it clucks. Anyway this goes on all day, until at 5 o'clock, the librarian, whose curiousity is well and truly aroused, decides to follow the chicken, and see what it has been doing with the books all day. The Chicken walks in, and says "Book, Book, book", the librarian hands it a book, which it pops under its' wing and walks out the door. The librarian locks the door and follows. The chicken walks over the overbridge, the librarian follows. The chicken walks through a vacant lot, the librarian follows. The chicken goes over a fence and through a field, the librarian follows. The chicken walks down to the pond, the librarian follows. The chicken then dumps the book on the ground, and lets fly with a series of loud clucks "BOOK, Book,BOOK".Out jumps a bullfrog, and replies "RRREdit, readit

A lesson in expanded english

"Good day class!" Said the teacher to her students. "I hope you all did you homework because I am going to test you on it now. I want you all to think of a sentence containing the words "pink", "green", and "yellow". Suzie, would you like to start?"

Suzie stands up. "A flower is pretty. It has a green stem, pink petals and a yellow centre."

"Very good Suzie! You have passed. Who wants to be next?" Said teacher.

This continued with every child passing. Until we come to little Timmy. Little Timmy was never bright, never special but he tried hard. So little Timmy rose to his feet.

"Ahem! Last night the phone went GREEN GREEN! So I went to pink it up and said "Yellow?""

(you have to say this one out loud to really get it)

More Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes running up to his father and asks "Dad, do people go to god when they die?"
"Yes johnny" His father delicately replies, "People go to god, when their life ends"
"Streuth dad,"Johnny says terrified" Mum just nearly died"
"What?!?!" Exclaims his Father "How did she nearly die?"
"Dunno" replies Johnny "But she started screaming 'OH GOD, I'M COMING', and if Uncle Bill hadn't been there to hold her down, I reckon she would have gone too"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!"

The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"

Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"

Windows interface to noncomputer environments (From Bill Gates: Not really but yeah)

I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call
problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than
computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend
Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all
own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, I'm
sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws
of physics. Here's some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready
products.

WINDOWS TOASTER: This is one of the few products on which we have any
agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the
bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the
slices pop out again. But you complain that you can't figure out any way
that double-clicking on the box will reduce the size of the toaster to a
1-inch cube. Let the toaster companies worry about it. It's a hardware
problem.

MOUSE-CONTROLLED CAR: I'm happy to see we've made more progress in
developing a mouse that can steer a car. But you still object to tapping
the left button to make the car go and the right button to apply the
brakes. You say it will be confusing to drivers who are used to the gas
pedal on the right and the brake on the left. That's a user problem. We
can`t be changing our button standards to accommodate such out-moded
technology as automobiles. You also mention that having to lift up the
mouse, move it back and scoot it forward again just to keep the car going
means that cars won't travel more than 33 mph. Don't worry. If the
drivers are Windows users, they'll live with the slowness. By the way,
what has become of the preliminary plans to replace a car's four wheels
with one large roller?

WINDOWS VACUUM CLEANER: If it's technically possible to create a vacuum
cleaner with 100 levels of undo , let's do it. Yes, I know that an undo
feature is probably not a meaningful feature o n a vacuum; unless you suck
up the cat, of course. So why do we need 100 levels of undo? Consistency.
We don't know why anyone needs 100 levels of undo in Word, either , so we
may as well be consistent.

Best wishes,

B.G.