Why the world spins.
 

This is just the first chapter. I would appreciate any feedback. I'm in the process of changing the name of it. If anybody needs to know more of the book, then let me know and I'll post the next chapter.

There is a legend that speaks of an awesome power. The legend speaks that only the one who’s heart is pure and mind is righteous can wield such power. The world is a place of magic and beings that strike fear into the very hearts of their enemies. Necromancers, Black Mages, White Mages, Worshippers, Knights, Rouges, Ninjas, Kings and Queens, Princes and Princesses, Witches and Warlocks, Tamers, Mystics, Paladins, and Multi-breed humanoids of all kind roam the free land. A young girl by the name of Raysa Loreene has been studying to become a Tamer. Her best friend, Kayda Lamay, studied to become a Black Mage. Raysa’s older brother, Samson, finished his training to be a Knight. Raysa is to attend the graduation of the elders in her class. She was sitting beside a classmate named Crissy waiting for the event to begin.
“Hey Crissy.” She said. “Do you think that dragging us here to watch them proclaim how much better they are then us is really needed?”
She giggled. “That’s looking at the bright side of things.”
“Boring! I wanna go back to bed.”
“Let’s just wait until it’s our turn.”
“You can always find a bright side can’t you?”
“Yeah.” She started giggling again.
“At least I’ll get to see Kay when I get home. She has a break from her Mage class as we get a break for our Tamer class. You haven’t met her yet have you?”
“I transferred here from the Tamer class of the forgotten Zorby Village. You’re the only person that’s talked to me at all in the last week since I’ve been here.”
“You’ll love Kay! She has this dream that she wants to be the funniest Black Mage to have ever walked! You know how black mages are all dark and gloomy and the like? Well Kay is so funny! Dark and gloomy is far from a part of her nature!”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah! We’ve known each other since we were four.”
“So why didn’t you both take the same class?”
“We slept in on sign-up day and by the time we got there, there was only one spot open in Tamer and one open in Black Mage and nothing else in any other class anywhere.”
“Ouch.”
“But that’s why somebody in the past invented letters!”
“Now who’s looking on the bright side of things…”
“Hush you, it’s finally starting.”
The graduation started as scheduled. But it was only half way completed when a dark storm cloud billowed over the whole place. It started to drizzle. But then it down poured. Everybody went screaming for cover. Raysa took Crissy by the hand and ran off. They ran for her house. They got in and were soaking wet in their tamer cloth. Raysa’s mom made them change out of them into dry clothes. The storm cleared up a bit and then a knock came at the door. It was Kayda. She was brought in. Then Raysa’s mom called for Raysa. Raysa came flying down the stairs. She walked in and screamed. Then she ran up to hug her friend.
“Kay!” She said.
“Ray!” She laughed.
They hugged for several minutes. Then Raysa broke it up and smiled as she led Kayda upstairs.
“Kay, I want you to meet Crissy.” Raysa said. “She transferred into my class a week ago. Cris, this is Kayda.”
“Hi.” Crissy stood up and shook hands with her.
“You are so lucky to have Ray for a friend!” Kayda said. “You can never go wrong!”
“Really?”
“Absolutely! Ray is the goddess of friendship!”
“Goddess of Friendship?”
“Not literally. There is no such thing as a Goddess of Friendship. But if there was one, she would be it hands down!”
“Oh.”
“But hey! Who are we kidding? The gods and goddesses themselves can’t stop this girl. They wouldn’t know where to start even if they could!”
Kayda went into telling her jokes. Crissy was laughing the whole time. Once the rain stopped, Raysa sent a message over to her class that they were there. Kayda had both of them laughing all night long. They were up until the sun came up the next day. Then they fell asleep and slept until dinnertime. Raysa’s mom cooks beautiful meals. By the end of the weeklong break, Kayda and Crissy were the best of friends as well. The fun ended when they all went back to class.

Hmm..
 

Well, I like the concept of it, but I don't like how I'm just dropped into the story. The story reads like one of those old narrator-based beginnings, and it just doesn't grab as well as if you just found those things out throughout the first few chapters of the book.

A lot of times, authors will assume that we know stuff until some character later will ask about it and it is explained. That might be more appropriate than trying to explain all the details of the world you created in one single paragraph at the beginning. Plus, it allows some fun scenes throughout the book that wouldn't be possible or necessary with that up-front approach you have made.

But, if you're going to stick with the upfront approach, then make it more in depth. I'm very curious about this world, but it isn't clear exactly what this world is. Where is it? The "professions" are grabbing, but why are they like that? Is this earth-like, or is it a new place? I just don't know enough about the setting to really familiarize myself with it. It's just not... personal enough.

But, I don't know what the rest of the story is like, so it's got ups and downs with definite potential. See if you can change that beginning and post it. I really like the names, too, where did you come up with those???

Anyway, I hope I'm not too harsh, but I like smooth beginnings that grab my soul and say "READ ME!!!!" Without some mystery, some question the reader wants answered, it's more difficult to do that. Try it with the intent on giving people that "What's going on here?" kind of feeling, and I think it will be a pretty good story.

Hmm...well i guess i thought i did that in the beginning because how and why the world is the way is, is explained as the story progresses. i've always been one to write leaving the open a bit of suspense because i like to explain things as the story goes on or all in one big bash near the end. did i come off like i assumed people knew things? i know i assumed people would understand what the classes were. maybe...i didn't explain the classes. hmm...

The world...is four continents at the corners of a planet similar to ours. only it's just the four land masses. maybe i could follow in Barbara Hodges' footsteps and have a drawn out map in the beginning of the book. maybe that could explain the world better. unless you have a different idea? It's not so much earth. but it's like earth. maybe i could try and figure out something. maybe something that states the layout of the planet and how three of the four continents are unexplored territory...

Would you like me to post another chapter? maybe that will help you? The names just sort of came to me while i was writing a fanfic a few years back. That's always been a strong point with me. i'm very good at thinking up great names for all kinds of characters.

No way are you being too harsh. I most certainly appreciate your honesty. I'll think on how to rewrite it. maybe you could give me an idea or two. But I'll work on it. Thanks so much.

*blinks* well let's see. First off, the enter bar! double space when starting a new paragraph. It just makes it easier to read.

Next, your first paragraph doesn't follow too well. You start with a legend and then you jump to explaining the world and then you jump again to your main character. One way to fix it is actually just write the legend, then start with explaining the world and make a smooth entrance for your main character.

Something like:

Thy waits for the day
When one's heart is pure
and the mind is free
to come and wield me
I, a power so great,
slumber and wait

The world is a grand place.

You could do it like that. It's a popular format. *shrugs* you might always want to name your world. You might want to explain what each term is some how. Like when you're describing the world, tell us what each job does. I assume a Tamer means a person who controls animals. And what exactly is the difference between a Black Mage and a White one?

The rest your story needs some breaks. Not just a continuous line of conversation. So like while they're talking, you know show that time is passing by and the program has started? Or maybe more people are coming in. Or smaller actions like, "she covered her mouth to try and stop the giggles." or Kay had a mock look of hurt that her friend was even suggested something like that.

Don't forget to added in actions like "he said, she asked, Kay spoke, Crissy answered." just so that we know who's talking at the time. The way you have it currently written I have to remember which line Crissy last said and which one Kay last said. It's not needed for every line but you have a long line of conversation so it's easy to lose track of who is saying what. Especially when you add in Kayda cause keeping track of what three people are saying is hard.

There are just parts were you kind just rush through everything. Kinda slow down, add more detail. You have a weeklong break just pass and aside from eating and sleeping and talking, I have no idea what they did? Times like that are a good to show more about your world. (the food, the style of clothing, what your characters look like) etc etc


But so far so good. x3 it needs some work, but it looks like the start of a good story.

I guess that's one of my biggest faults. i like keeping things a secret until later in the story. that's why i didn't start off with the legend. though i suppose i could've elaborated a little bit more than what i did. i didn't really describe the world because there isn't much to describe besides a small town in the middle of a forest. the rest of it gets explained as the story goes on and the characters go to new places. i'm not sure how to work the whole entrance for the main character thing. the difference betwen a black mage and a white mage is that a black mage attacks and a white mage is a healer primarily. i guess i thought everyone knew that. i see your point about explaining the jobs. i'll have to think on how to word that. i could put the legend down for the opening of the paragraph. then do a follow up about the world and the classes. see the world consists of four continents at each of the corners of the globe and they were all one continent at first. actually, that ties in with the end of the legend...i could combine the two somehow. do you think that would work? and then i could do an introduction paragraph about the main character and what she looks like and how she came to be a tamer. what do you think about that? i am used to writing the conversations like that. it's so easy for me to read, i guess i forgot that my intent is for everyone else to read it. i'll see what i can do about the conversations. i skipped the weekling break because it wasn't really holding much toward the play of the story. plus i was aiming just to skip it and get to the story. i suppose i could broaden it a bit. i tried to when i first started the story. but then it seemed to drag on forever when i reread it and i cut it out. what suggestions would you have for that? i'm not big on over amounts of description. i like suspense and sometimes mystery. i appreciate your comments. i'll adjust it wpnce i figure out how to and then i'll post the fixed version. how's that sound?

It's okay to keep secrets. x3 I keep alot of secrets in my story that I don't reveal as well. But at the same time you want to grab people's attentions as well. That's why you know some mystery stories start off with the person being murder. xD

You could... just write the legend but not explain it until later into the story. That's another possible way to do that. As for your world, perhaps then you just don't want to introduce your world just yet. You probably just want to leave that part out explaining as the story goes. Or piece by piece. *nods*

as for entrances, there are a number of ways to introduce your character. You just got to find one that fits right.

xD I know the whole Black Mage and White Mage because I play video games like FF but if you ask my mom or brother who don't play video games, they'll ask you, "What's a black mage and white mage?"

x3 like I said it all depends on how you want to word it. If you don't want to explain the world but just go along with the story instead then is possible. You can also do piece by piece as well.

yup that's a good way to go, introd then your main character. The most common way is: It was a beautiful day and there was girl walking through the town. "

Well if you don't need the week long break, then don't even mention it. xD Just make it into a weekend or something. Or if must use --- A few days later ----

Hehe well conversations are just tricky sometimes. But when they get long, it's hard to keep track of what people are saying. xD Most people use simple actions like what type of emotions is playing on the characters face.

"Mou! You are impossible."

Hotaru laughed. "Thanks! I think."

Rayna lightly punched her friend in the arm. "See if I talk to you again!"

like that small simple actions so that people know who's talking. xD

Hehe don't worry about detail. xD I'm terrible at it myself. Mines are like A girl walked down the street, her long white hair tied back in a ponytail, flowed behind her. Her blue eyes were alert, always looking for on coming dangers. "Seika!" The girl turned, startled at her name.

"What?" Seika snapped.
See that's all my details. xD Not too much, enough to give people an idea but it doesn't need to paint every single detail.

Sure. x3 I wait to see what you do.

well i see what your saying. but the whole point to the weeklong break is to show that Kayda and Chrissy met. before that break, those two had never met before. i was just making it a point of saying that because they were fast best friends just as Raysa had become with Chrissy. it's not so much a mystery story. i just like the suspense. i'm working on it. but it's hard to do without the person talking to me sitting there helping me. i understand about the whole conversation thing. it's just reworking it that's getting to me. i have to reread it just so i can understand what i had and what i want to work at. good descriptions are good. but i just don't want a whole lot of them. too much description just gets boring. in my eyes anyway. i am going to work on it. i'll post it bit by bit just so you can help me as i go. if this book ever gets off the ground, i intend to give you some kind of credit. don't know who you are in the real world so full credit might be difficult at best. :). anyway, i'll work on it and post when i've completed the reword on a small section. i hope you'll keep watch for it. and thanks so much for the help.

Hehe, well it's also possible to have them meet without having a whole weeklong break. You can do something as simple as

"Kayda, this is my friend Chrissy. Chrissy this is my fellow classmate and friend Kayda. Now let's go to the movies!"

By the time the movies were over, Kayda and Chrissy had bonded so fast, it was hard to believe.

*nods* i know what you mean. I have to like... drag my friend out of the house just to get her to listen to me sometimes so I can plot with her. xD

hehe, yeah there is such a thing as too much description. xD But I'm sure you'll find away around it. You just need to give an idea to your readers. x3

haha thanks! x3
no problem. It sounds pretty good. x3

I've been thinking about what you said about the actually legend. i have it started somewhat. but i'm still working on it. here's what i have.

"O thee world of darkness, the time for light will come. For within this light, the very soul of goodness shall send they evil running using the legendary blade."

That's all i could think of without the time to write it down and look over it again. most of the time, my best stuff comes to me while i'm at work.(silly huh?) i'm still working on the rest. i'm just having trouble getting around how to introduce the two best friends without the weeklong break. maybe it's just my own mind shutting down because i'm thinking too hard. i really haven't been able to figure that one out. the time the story takes place in is a time where there are no modern movies, places to eat out and meet, parties or theme parks or holiday events, or any of the modern ways that people like us usually meet. so the weeklong break seems to be sticking pretty tightly to my head. well i'll keep thinking about it and we'll see what happens. wish me luck.

Okay are you writing it in poem or prose form? Cause the first part sounds like an poem, but the second half doesn't.

Is thy evil? I think is what you wanted.

Nah, I must confess that I get my best ideas while taking a shower. xD Carry around a notebook and scribble in it when you get an idea.

As for meetings, doesn't have to be mordern. Go to the lake to swim or make a picnic, study for a upcoming test, into town for shopping, some sort of entertainment such as a magic show? or carnival.

well i was trying to make it sound like one of those old urban legends the scottish tell kids. but i guess i failed. oops. anyway, i think i may have come up with something at work today that might just be the legend i'm aiming for. what do you think of this:

"Legend be told of times of unspoken peril and impenetrable darkness...
It is told that even in the blackest dark there is always light to be seen...
Such light can take many forms as the legend goes on...
Unexpected is the purest and most potent light...
Unpredictable is the righteous and most true justice...
And only together can both bring distant and prolongated peace...
Like a blade shall the pure heart and righteous mind disband the unspeakable darkness...
And so the legend continues on..."


How is that? i mean, it doesn't need the three dots at the end of every line. but i found them to be great for effect. and it might also make that great opening into the story that you've been trying to steer me toward. but i came up with that at work. there isn't a lake close enough to the town nor is it safe enough for swimming. i suppose the studying thing might work...there isn't shopping(not that kind anyway) in the village the story starts in and it's a couple days walk to the nearest place where there is shopping. and the entertainment thing isn't a big idea when considering the general setting and seriousness of the classes and the people in them. hmm...no carnivals.(the first town is boring) i'm continue to think on it. but what do you think about the legend? I call it Blade's Legend.

sounds good the poem~ x3 I like it. *nods*

well describe to me where they are and list what they can do. Cause even if it's a school, there is usually SOME sort of entertainment that students can do. Training, practice, a library, studying, eating, etc etc

well it's just a small village in the middle of a vast forest. where they are exactly isn't really something they worry about because it's too peaceful and they don't really want to give it up. and it's not so much a school per say. they sign up for classes at the town hall when they reach the right age. and then the classes are held apart from each other, taken to areas that seem the most effective for each class. like the tamers are trained in the woods so they can practice on small forest animals like rabbits. black mages would be trained in an entirely different spot like an open field or something so they can practice thier magic without the risk of hurting somebody. and the town only really sponsers some classes. the rest are trained at the large and vast city called Cortherax(which doesn't come into the story until later) it runs sort of like an army. the classes each have a barracks they stay in unless there's a break in classes. then they all go home and visit with friends in other classes or whatever may be the case. the breaks in the classes are about as exciting as it gets. studying is done in class. the way people are tested is just by the teacher asking them random questions about how much they remember from previous classes. training is done during classes. and there is nothing like a library in this village. like i said, the village itself is boring. that's about the extent of it. i suppose i could go into a little more detail about what they did during the break. like i could say that they talked alot and what they talked about. i could even add in a segment about the end of the break before they go back to classes. what do you think about that?

Wow.... xD I'm gonna have to honestly say, you're putting ALOT of restrictions on yourself for your village. Kinda, put yourself in that village, can you really see yourself doing nothing but studying and training all day? You gotta give them something else to do to give them to relax, or I wouldn't be surprised if the students ran away or killed themselves to relieve the boredom.

Talking is good, but you don't want to follow your story with just conversation either.

well see there is a point to why the village is so small and boring. it's not revealed to like three thirds way through the book where the main character Raysa finds out that she's actually the princess of the kingdom of Kluu Tane. an attempt was made on her life less than 24 hours after she was born. so her father, the king, ordered two of his people to take her to a small secluded village for safe keeping until such time that she could return to her home in the castle. and since nobody would suspect a simple village girl to be the princess and the only ruler left for the kingdom(since the queen is dead and the king is presumed to have the same fate), the simple village seemed like a good idea. and you don't enough time in the village at all. in the end of the first chapter, i believe she leaves the village and she doesn't come back until three thirds of the way through the book. i guess i didn't think of it as being boring because i was concentrating on making it as simple as i could for the purpose of the story. hmm....well... i suppose i could try and make it more amusing. i could have like a jester class or something that practices in the middle of the village. but like i said, there isn't much to the village because much time isn't spent there. i don't know. i'll have to rework my thoughts on that now that you say something.

well you need to storta make it a bit realitistic too. Yeah a Jester class, or a place to do something small and different. The students need something to relax. It doesn't have to be fancy or anything. Something as simple as a small lake (for example where Black Mages and practice with water or something) and they're just out to swim, is okay too.

The village might not play a huge roll in story, but it still needs to be a solid foundation place.

that actaully plays in along with something my sister told me about. she said that i could put something insignificant in the story that has history to it but not really anything that applies to the story itself like an abandoned temple or something in the forest that surrounds the village. she also thought that some kind of introduction would be nice to through in front of that first chapter. like she suggested putting the end at the beginning type thing. i explained a whole bunch about the story itself and how it ends to her. basically, the main character turns out to be a princess and her real father is still alive(though the man she knew as her father died). she said some kind of like father's thoughts introduction might be nice. like her real father, the king thinking about what happened and how everything went down once it's all over and done with type thing. or maybe i could put in like a childhood memory of her "parents" trying to teach her the difference between right and wrong and prepare her for what they know is coming but something that she doesn't know is coming. or she thought some kind of narritive by a character in the book that isn't the main character might make a nice suggestion. i've been thinking alot about the village. i settled on a small, but lively marketplace and troublesome younger kids that haven't signed up for a class yet might make it more interesting. the other idea i had was the older brought comes home for a visit and there's a celebration thrown for him and the main character gets upset and disappears for a day or so. what do you think about that for the whole village idea? the knight class that her brother was in is looked very highly upon in the village and having come back for a visit is a major deal because none of the other knights that graduated from that village ever came back for a visit. any thoughts on those ideas?

*chuckles* thought I lost you for a couple days.

I like that idea. Kinda "this place is known for" but if you don't need it then no need to add it. x3

you could do a prologue. x3 you know. Dark night king running around, enemies on the board. he had one decision to make!

and then - 15 years later-

____ was a small little village where students gather to become blah blah

something like that <3

I like the marketplace idea. Because kids have to be kids. xD they need places to play and hangout.

hmm the brother idea sounds good in theory. Give it a try!

and deary, I've probably said this before, but please use the enter button when making new paragraphs. please? it makes it easier to read. xD