"The Family Reunion" ~ Would love some feedback!
 

I'm currently doing a great one-week writing course, and one of the pieces I did was this one. The first sentence isn't mine, it's another girl's - we had to chose someone else's and write our own story based on it, just a written A4 page long - plot and a conclusion. The only way I could do it was by writing almost nonsense. xD

• The Family Reunion
  
  “Oof.” Anne fell off the bed onto a really pointy pile of laundry, her long hair spilling over her face. She struggled to her feet, pushing off the dirty clothes. Still only half awake, she shuffled into the bathroom and peeled off her Snoopy pyjamas, stepping gratefully into a hot shower. The moment the first blast hit her face, a terrible thought struck her, accompanied by a sinking feeling in her stomach. She leapt out of the shower, draped a towel over herself in a fashion that resembled some kind of toga, and hurtled into the bedroom. The ominous glow of her alarm clock revealed the time – twelve twenty. Anne felt like vomiting. The Family Reunion.
  
  Anne had the misfortune to be related to five hundred or so aunts, uncles and cousins; all would see her absence as a direct insult and would consequently unleash Aunt Midge’s vicious Labrador onto her. To cross the tribe was to taunt death itself. The colour drained from Anne’s face. With manic speed, she dried, dressed, and found the car keys. She left her flat moments late, an umbrella clenched between her teeth and hair like a yak.
  
  Hurtling down the twelve flights of stairs, she jumped onto her moped, put the key into the ignition with tremendous force, and sped into the London traffic. She went through several red lights, narrowly missed pedestrians, cut across buses and almost drove into the Thames. She took shortcuts through children’s playgrounds, ignoring the scattering toddlers and cries of mothers.
  
  After a long half hour for the citizens of central London, Anne reached the hall where the reunion was to be held. She parked her moped outside, and still with a crazed look in her eye, she proceeded to pull twigs and leaves out of her long hair. She wiped the bird off the windscreen and removed a twisted bicycle frame from the back wheel. The number plate fell off with a clang, and she put it in the front basket. She attempted to smooth down her crumpled clothes, and believing herself to be fully composed, she entered.
  
  It was empty. Nobody was there, except one old man rearranging dust with a broom. Gaping, she called to him. “Isn’t there a reunion here? There has to be one!” He slowly shook his head. “You missed it. They came yesterday.” Anne crumpled to the floor.
  
  * * *
  
  At Heathrow airport, a woman with long hair and a haunted look in her eyes was disturbing the queue for tickets. She shoved her way to the front, dragging behind her a bulging suitcase, which was littering mismatched items of clothing in its wake. She piled a passport and crumpled bank notes before the bemused British Airways employee. She hissed, “I want a seat. On a plane.” He smiled falsely and tapped on some keys in front of a blinking screen. “Where would you like to go?”
  An eye twitched nervously, as a pale hand gripped the counter. The knuckles whitened. She leaned close and hissed again, “Where they won’t ever find me.”

Oooh my. XD The last sentence made me grin. Heck, I'm still grinning.

I did notice a few problems, most of which were probably caused by the restraint in the size of the story. Despite that, I should still mention that I feel like you should have put more paragraph breaks in. A lot of the paragraphs feel awkward because so much is happening in them, and it seems to change topics at least once or twice in each paragraph. And do remember that you're supposed to put a paragraph break between characters talking, and typically between their actions (though there are sometimes exceptions to both rules).

Again, though, that can be forgiven since you were restricted to an A4 size sheet of paper.

Pacing was another thing I though needed work, but that was also potentially stunted by the size of the paper you had to work with.

Outside that, however, there is one thing that's been bugging me: you don't seem to have much variation in the beginning of your sentences. You'd really be surprised by what you can do with just rearranging a sentence. You don't really have to add much in to get it to sound better.

And if you're ever worried about the pacing of a sentence, or if it will sound right to a reader's ears, try reading it aloud. It's a very helpful thing even for professional writers, because if YOU stumble over something, the reader likely will, too, even if you didn't notice it while writing or reading it back silently.

But besides that your writing is pretty good. Most of the problems I see can be attributed to your forced format, and I have to admit that I'd like to see some stuff that you do that's not confined like this. Keep writing![/quote]

Thanks for the help, Aylee. n.n