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Critique Wanted.

My assignment was to write a short non-fantasy story.

I wrote what I could but I've found that if I edit it myself the only changes I can make are grammar or vocabulary related so what I'm looking for is to have contrivances pointed out or suggestions for things I can add or remove. This version is supposed to be incomplete.

Thank you.

Quote:

MUSE OVER BUTTERFLY.

I fell in love with a piano player.
She didn’t work for anyone or not as far as I could tell she just played piano at a bar not far from my work in the city.
It was a place of minor consequence at least for someone of my self-assumed stature whose salary warranted the uptown watering holes of business men frustrated with barren marriages and growing bald spots. I repeatedly shrugged the lull and lure of the place moodily off my shoulders and stalked with willing ignorance into the corporate world. That was until I found on chilly days that the chords would cut through the brisk static air with the messy accuracy of a hornet’s teasing sting, done not in defense but for sake of opportunity and reaction. It flirted and tempted me into one of the well-worn booths in the cozy place where I’d stay and listen to her music-making.
I had ventured to query about her identity to the older man that served drinks behind the bar, his answer only awoke questions in me.

“She’s just someone who comes and plays in the afternoons.”
“She just plays?”
He shrugged, cleaning one of the speckled glasses with the intricate skill of an artisan.
“I guess it’s just because there’s a piano, there’s a piano so she plays it.”
The simplicity of this logic baffled me.

Such raw reason for doing was something I believed long extinct, like a child’s affinity for play, not done for any real reason but as the toys were there it seemed the thing to do. Her long fingers danced with the same instinct of nonchalant effortlessness, a splendid soothing waltz across keys and chords or a frantic foray through notes and measures, she never looked up from her work, her focus was that of a tightrope walker one mistake, one misstep, as in her mind unforgivable.

I’d sit there in a booth close to where she played yet concealing my stolen glances behind an over exaggerated adjustment of my hat or a sip of my drink, which was, by then, long empty. Although I tried repeatedly to make my presence and interest known though eye contact and muttered compliments, she paid me no mind, I was just another observer, another dotted note in an overplayed symphony of sharps and flats where she craved the perfect pitch. This perceived indifference didn’t stand to ebb the flow of my fascination which soon bubbled over and I found myself absentmindedly humming measure after measure of Beethoven’s Fur Elise, the piece she played most often and most passionately. It emanated from my throat at the oddest times, not to be ignored in the middle of important meetings or over expensive business dinners with foreign partners. Without a clue on how to play I walked into a music shop and walked out with three books of notes so indistinguishable to me I hadn’t a clue whether I’d purchased the correct thing. I sat and studied them for close to three hours that night, feeling like an architect translating some ancient cuneiform, looking for what made these dots and lines so special.

Where was the secret?

That ethereal beauty that drew me in and made me a prisoner at the mercy of her fingers on the keys. I was driven to frustration and the hopeless turning of indecipherable pages as I did my frantic and futile searching. The conclusion that I soon came to was that the music was art and thusly required an artist.
The sad fact that I was not an artist in any sense stared me in the face as smug and plump as a Cheshire cat with knife-sharp teeth. So I thought, my mind a lack logic mess of wild determination, I’ll become an artist.
In this spell of capriciousness I returned to the shop where I’d purchased the musical tomes and told the daunted salesclerk exactly what it was I wanted.

A grand piano.

Upon the instruments delivery I realized it’s dominance over my loft’s living space attributed to it’s monstrous size which I had underestimated in my haste. None of this mattered as I perched myself on the shiny dark wood bench feeling the regality and majesty of a bird of prey before the hunt and this inspired within me such a stirring that I felt I would burst and so I played.
If a critic of any sort were to have chanced upon hearing me they would’ve promptly left without even the acknowledgement of an insult but I thought that it was beautiful.

The power to make music was alluring and intoxicating, causing my fingers to jump and hop in a wanton dance of drunken pulchritude. In this world of music I was a child and the act of being reborn enamored my senses into submission. For the next two weeks I played, turning the sound over and over, pausing only to tend the throb of pain in my wrists. I was, for that time evolving from what I used to be into what I wanted to become and this guaranteed transformation let me be snug in my hermitage. I focused on my scales at first, the beginnings of all things musical which were quickly mastered in my anxiousness to move on to more elaborate works. The process was much like learning to ride a bike with my constant tumbling into rushed failure. I never grew depressed at my numerous botched attempts only more resolute.

My return to the world was severe in it’s quickness. I only realized that I had to return to work as I sat down to play the only piece I had perfected and I barely managed to tear myself away from my peaceful solitude and throw myself back into the rushed world of the law buildings. Work was a culture shock with people surprised at my return as a few had apparently assumed me murdered from a rumor and they had reason to think such things after my abrupt exit from their lives. Mundane minutes behind my desk passed only with the sounds of sonatas passing through my head and the symphony carried my with a content grin to the place were she played. It was incomplete today as no music swam through the air, a disturbing fact until the wise clock’s face informed me that I was an hour to soon to behold her. I assume I knew what I was going to do before I did it, I knew far before I bought the grand piano or the music books, I knew the second I’d watched her weave her sounds into a colorful blanket before my eyes. I pulled out the bench as the old bartender watched me and I placed my fingers on the cool ivory keys. The scales came first, the shared warm-up of amateurs and mastered that bridged all music players but then in a fit of delusional grandeur I let Fur Elise seep from my fingertips with awkward grace.

I fear I'm not as good at critiquing wring as I am at art. But I think I know a good piece when I see one.
This is bloody fantastic I think.
This makes me so happy it's silly.
I love your similes. The Cheshire cat really stuck out to me. With the sharp teeth.
Lets see... a question I have. How long does it take to learn to play piano? Especially on one's own.
I taught myself everything I know about piano. I worked obsessively for a year... but got discouraged when a real artist showed me how much I sucked.

Cami's Copyediting

Quote:

I fell in love with a piano player.

No issues

Quote:

She didn’t work for anyone or not as far as I could tell she just played piano at a bar not far from my work in the city.

Run-on. I’d suggest, “She didn’t work for anyone – not as far as I could tell. She just played piano at a bar in the city, not far from where I work.

Quote:

It was a place of minor consequence at least for someone of my self-assumed stature whose salary warranted the uptown watering holes of business men frustrated with barren marriages and growing bald spots.

This is the second sentence in which you said something, and then immediately qualified it. “or not as far as I” “at least for someone of my” Be careful about over using that. In this sentence, I’d take out the “at least”. Businessmen is one word. And the phrase starting with whose is misplaced. As is, you’re saying the stature’s salary warranted uptown watering holes. I’d make it two sentences. “It was a place of minor consequence for someone of my self-assumed stature. My salary warranted the uptown watering holes of business men frustrated with barren marriages and growing bald spots.” Great imagery though.

Quote:

I repeatedly shrugged the lull and lure of the place moodily off my shoulders and stalked with willing ignorance into the corporate world.

Good sentence. Is lull the word you want though?

Quote:

That was until I found on chilly days that the chords would cut through the brisk static air with the messy accuracy of a hornet’s teasing sting, done not in defense but for sake of opportunity and reaction.

Move that to before “on chilly days” and add commas around same phrase. Air can’t be both brisk and static. Brisk means fast and static means still. Remove one of these adjectives. You can’t use messy as a modifier for accuracy. When something is accurate, it is precise and correct. As such, it is the opposite of messy. I’d either take out messy or change accuracy to something like “aim.” Really, I’d take out the messy because you’re already adjective heavy in the first half of this sentence.

Quote:

It flirted and tempted me into one of the well-worn booths in the cozy place where I’d stay and listen to her music-making.

“It flirted with me, tempting me into one of the well-worn booths, where I’d spend the night listening to her music-making.”

Quote:

I had ventured to query about her identity to the older man that served drinks behind the bar, his answer only awoke questions in me.

Take out had. Makes the sentence to passive. When you say older, do actually mean older, as in older than the narrative, or do you mean old? The comma should be either a period or a semi-colon. I’d go with a semi-colon since the sentences are very related. I’d also add in the word “more” between “awoke” and “questions” since you already asked one question.

Quote:

“She’s just someone who comes and plays in the afternoons.”
“She just plays?”

Above is fine.

Quote:

He shrugged, cleaning one of the speckled glasses with the intricate skill of an artisan.

Nice image

Quote:

“I guess it’s just because there’s a piano, there’s a piano so she plays it.”

Semi-colon instead of comma. If this wasn’t spoken, I’d complain about it saying the same thing twice, but I assume that’s just how the guy speaks.

Quote:

The simplicity of this logic baffled me.

Fine

Quote:

Such raw reason for doing was something I believed long extinct, like a child’s affinity for play, not done for any real reason but as the toys were there it seemed the thing to do.

Good comparison, but you stumble a little in the explanation. I’d suggest “Such raw reasoning was something I believed long extinct, like a child’s affinity to play, for no reason but that the toys were there and it seemed the thing to do.”

Quote:

Her long fingers danced with the same instinct of nonchalant effortlessness, a splendid soothing waltz across keys and chords or a frantic foray through notes and measures, she never looked up from her work, her focus was that of a tightrope walker one mistake, one misstep, as in her mind unforgivable.

What does “the same” refer to? If you can’t illustrate, take it out. Also take out “instinct of”. It doesn’t make sense with “nonchalant effortlessness.” Period after work instead of comma. Dash after tightrope walker. Is the “as” supposed to go with “unforgivable”? If so, put them together. If not, it doesn’t make sense. “Her focus was that of a tightrope walker – one mistake, one misstep, as unforgivable in her mind.”

I'll do more later.

Wow... that's a lot. Some day I hope my sense of grammer is as strong as yours, Cali.

To sum up all the issues she had, it may be a little flowery, which may be making some of it confusing.

I get paid to do this stuff. XD It's easier in real life though because I can just mark the changes rather than quoting and explaining. <<,,

Cami's Copyediting

Quote:

I’d sit there in a booth close to where she played yet concealing my stolen glances behind an over exaggerated adjustment of my hat or a sip of my drink, which was, by then, long empty.

Take out the “yet” and add a comma after played. “or a sip of my empty drink.” As is, there are too many words at the end of the sentence.

Quote:

Although I tried repeatedly to make my presence and interest known though eye contact and muttered compliments, she paid me no mind, I was just another observer, another dotted note in an overplayed symphony of sharps and flats where she craved the perfect pitch.

Period after mind instead of comma.

Quote:

This perceived indifference didn’t stand to ebb the flow of my fascination which soon bubbled over and I found myself absentmindedly humming measure after measure of Beethoven’s Fur Elise, the piece she played most often and most passionately.

Take out “stand to”. Take out “which soon bubbled over and”. Period after Fascination.

Quote:

It emanated from my throat at the oddest times, not to be ignored in the middle of important meetings or over expensive business dinners with foreign partners.

“not to be ignored” is the wrong phrase for this sentence. I’d replace it with “often”.

Quote:

Without a clue on how to play I walked into a music shop and walked out with three books of notes so indistinguishable to me I hadn’t a clue whether I’d purchased the correct thing.

Comma after “play”. “That” between “me” and “I”.

Quote:

I sat and studied them for close to three hours that night, feeling like an architect translating some ancient cuneiform, looking for what made these dots and lines so special.

Fine.

Quote:

Where was the secret?

Fine.

Quote:

That ethereal beauty that drew me in and made me a prisoner at the mercy of her fingers on the keys.

This sentence doesn’t make sense in this location. If it’s a continuation of “Where was the secret?” then it needs to be in the same paragraph of “Where was the secret?”

Quote:

I was driven to frustration and the hopeless turning of indecipherable pages as I did my frantic and futile searching.

I don’t like “driven” in this context. Maybe, “I was overwhelmed by frustration and took to hopelessly turning the indecipherable pages…”

Quote:

The conclusion that I soon came to was that the music was art and thusly required an artist.

Fine.

Quote:

The sad fact that I was not an artist in any sense stared me in the face as smug and plump as a Cheshire cat with knife-sharp teeth.

Take out “in any sense”. Is there a reason the fact is plump? I’d take out “and plump.” Really, I’d take out “with knife-sharp teeth” unless you can make a case for why the fact has “knife-sharp teeth.”

Quote:

So I thought, my mind a lack logic mess of wild determination, I’ll become an artist.

I’m not sure “lack logic mess” is grammatically sound, but I’ll let it go on the grounds that it sounds good.

It’s fiction. I can do that.

Quote:

In this spell of capriciousness I returned to the shop where I’d purchased the musical tomes and told the daunted salesclerk exactly what it was I wanted.

Comma after “capriciousness”.

Quote:

A grand piano.

Fine.

Quote:

Upon the instruments delivery I realized it’s dominance over my loft’s living space attributed to it’s monstrous size which I had underestimated in my haste.

Comma after “delivery”. “its” not “it’s”. The first is possessive, the second is a contraction for “it is”. Split it into two sentences. Period after space. Second sentence, “I had underestimated its monstrous size in my haste.” Again, “its” not “it’s”.

Quote:

None of this mattered as I perched myself on the shiny dark wood bench feeling the regality and majesty of a bird of prey before the hunt and this inspired within me such a stirring that I felt I would burst and so I played.

“shiny dark wood” Not the best adjective use. See if you can come up with something else. Comma after “bench”. “Regality” and “majesty” are the same thing. Use only one of them. He is not “feeling the majesty of a bird of prey”. He is “feeling as majestic as a bird of prey.” Two sentences. Period after “hunt”, take out “and”. Comma after “burst.”

Quote:

If a critic of any sort were to have chanced upon hearing me they would’ve promptly left without even the acknowledgement of an insult but I thought that it was beautiful.

Take out “of any sort.” Comma after “me”. Comma after “insult.”

I'll finish it up tomorrow.

It's not the flowery speech that bothers me so much as the overuse of words. You should always write as if you only have a limited quantity of words that you can use, and if you use too many of them too early, you'll run out. Don't add in phrases that have no use (like "of any sort") or include extra adjectives just for the sake of having more adjectives. Every word you write should have a purpose to it.

Also, be careful with your long sentences. Long sentences can work; don't get me wrong. But you don't want your reader to get lost in them.

I confess that I skimmed it. it didn't catch my interest too much, but what I did notice though, is that you have way too many run-on sentances. I would re-read it and edit it for you if you pm it to me, then I reply with suggestions. That's the best way I guess...

Cami's Copyediting

Quote:

The power to make music was alluring and intoxicating, causing my fingers to jump and hop in a wanton dance of drunken pulchritude.

Nice imagery. Not a fan of the word “causing” though.

Quote:

In this world of music I was a child and the act of being reborn enamored my senses into submission.

Comma after “child”.

Quote:

For the next two weeks I played, turning the sound over and over, pausing only to tend the throb of pain in my wrists.

Comma after “weeks”. Insert “to” after “tend”.

Quote:

I was, for that time evolving from what I used to be into what I wanted to become and this guaranteed transformation let me be snug in my hermitage.

Take out “for that time”. Comma after “become”. Take out “guaranteed”. Don’t like the phrase “let me be”.

Quote:

I focused on my scales at first, the beginnings of all things musical which were quickly mastered in my anxiousness to move on to more elaborate works.

Period after “first.” Take out “which”.

Quote:

The process was much like learning to ride a bike with my constant tumbling into rushed failure.

“With my constant tumbling into rushed failure, the process was much like learning to ride a bike.”

Quote:

I never grew depressed at my numerous botched attempts only more resolute.

Comma after “attempts.”

Quote:

My return to the world was severe in it’s quickness.

“its” not “it’s”. Again, “its” is the possessive of it, where as “it’s” is a contraction for it is. You’ve messed this up enough times for me to believe you don’t know that rule.

Quote:

I only realized that I had to return to work as I sat down to play the only piece I had perfected and I barely managed to tear myself away from my peaceful solitude and throw myself back into the rushed world of the law buildings.

This sentence is jumbled and hard to follow. I’m not sure what it means. I recommend rewording it completely.

Quote:

Work was a culture shock with people surprised at my return as a few had apparently assumed me murdered from a rumor and they had reason to think such things after my abrupt exit from their lives.

Again, a very jumbled sentence. Slow down and think about what you’re saying. This could easily be three sentences. “Work was a culture shock. My return surprised people as a rumor had apparently left many with the assumption that I was murdered. They had good reason to think so after my abrupt exit from their lives.”

Quote:

Mundane minutes behind my desk passed only with the sounds of sonatas passing through my head and the symphony carried my with a content grin to the place were she played.

Period after “head”. Take out “and”. “me” not “my”.

Quote:

It was incomplete today as no music swam through the air, a disturbing fact until the wise clock’s face informed me that I was an hour to soon to behold her.

Try to simplify this sentence. There are too many words. Delete “It was incomplete today as”. See what else you can take out.

Quote:

I assume I knew what I was going to do before I did it, I knew far before I bought the grand piano or the music books, I knew the second I’d watched her weave her sounds into a colorful blanket before my eyes.

Take out “I assume”. Period instead of comma after “I did it.” Semicolon instead of comma after “books”. “I watched” not “I’d watched”. Take out “before my eyes”. You already said you watched her. It’s repetitive.

Quote:

I pulled out the bench as the old bartender watched me and I placed my fingers on the cool ivory keys.

“As the old bartender watched, I pulled out the bench and placed my fingers on the cool, ivory keys.”

Quote:

The scales came first, the shared warm-up of amateurs and mastered that bridged all music players but then in a fit of delusional grandeur I let Fur Elise seep from my fingertips with awkward grace.

“masters” not “mastered”. Period after “players”. Delete “but”. comma after “then”.

Overall, I like it. You have a lot of nice metaphors and images. Be careful about wordiness. And slow down sometimes. This last paragraph especially, I felt like you were in a hurry to say something and forgot to make it understandable to your audience.

Keep writing though. You definitely have talent.

The word choice and imagery was phenomenal.
I could see this atory playing out, and enjoyed very minute of it.
Please continue writing, because I'll continue reading it.

I liked how after he'd learned to be with music, how he felt an emptiness when there was a lack of it.

I loved how you said she "weaved the sounds" beautiful word choice.
<333