Menewsha Avatar Community - Read the opening of my short (comic) play please~

Quote:

A man (ETHAN) and his 18 year old son (JACK), dressed for hiking (with backpacks) come onto the stage. They both look worn out and frustrated.

JACK:
Moans.
Can we stop here for a minute?
He starts to take off his backpack.

ETHAN:
Struggling for breath, breathing heavily.
A rest? We’ve only just started! If I don’t need a rest you don’t either. You’re supposed to be young and fit.

JACK:
Drops his backpack to the floor.
We’ve done ten miles, mostly uphill. Are you telling me that’s nothing?
He stretches and walks forward two paces, gingerly.
I think I’ve got blisters.
He sits down on a rock and starts to untie his laces.

ETHAN:
Oh, for God’s sake…

JACK:
What? My feet hurt…
He takes off a boot and peels off a sock. Pause.
Ugh. It’s all pink and squishy.
He pokes his foot repeatedly, curiously.

ETHAN:
He puts down his backpack and gets a bottle of water and takes a drink.
Jack, c’mon, grow up and get moving. We’re almost there.
Pause
Stop prodding that thing.

JACK:
I can’t. It’s hypnotic.
He starts putting his sock and shoe back on.
I don’t think I can walk on this anymore.

ETHAN:
Are you kidding me? You can’t give up now, we’re almost half way. Besides, I’ve had way worse than blisters.
He sits down next to JACK.

JACK:
Yeah, those bees really had a go at you.
Pause.
Are you sure you’re alright?

ETHAN:
I’m fine.
Pause.
Didn’t really feel anything.
Pause.
I may be a bit sore.

JACK:
Mm? ‘Cause you were screaming pretty loudly.

ETHAN:
I was just alarmed… I mean, they gave me a bit of a shock. It didn’t hurt. Not much. Pause.

JACK:
I’ve never seen bees so mad before. They always seemed kinda friendly.
Pause.
Maybe it was your insect repellent.

ETHAN:
The repellent worked fine.

JACK:
Well they were pretty angry about something.

ETHAN:
I guess they were just surprised when I lunged at the hive.

JACK:
Fell, you mean. Whilst screaming.

ETHAN:
That’s not how it happened. Just leave it.
Long pause.

JACK:
What I don’t get is why you had to make your own bug repellent.
Pause.
I thought it was just a waste of time, chemicals and a bicycle pump but in hindsight I can also see that it can be highly dangerous.

ETHAN:
We don’t know that’s why they attacked.
Pause
Repeatedly.

JACK:
It may very well not be the case, but I don’t want you getting it anywhere near me. That skunk clearly felt the same way. He took one sniff of you and scarpered.

ETHAN:
Well, thanks very much.
He stands up.
Remind me to strike you off the will when we get home. I doubt you’re my biological son anyway.

JACK:
Well I’m not entirely convinced that half of my genetic material comes from a balding skunk with lousy navigational skills. You couldn’t even find a parking space. No wonder we’re lost.

ETHAN:
We’re not lost; you were the one holding the map sideways and directed me into that surprisingly deep stream.

JACK:
He snorts with laughter.
That was just funny.

ETHAN:
Yeah, well, I’m getting annoyed with your attitude. You think everything’s easy and that you can take me for granted all the time. You coasted through your A-levels but you can’t coast through this. I bet you that if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t make it out of this wilderness alive.

JACK:
Laughs.
Killed by what, badgers? They might give you trouble, but I don’t know anyone else who could be overcome by one of those oversized hamsters. If anything you need me. I’m the only one who can work the radio. And I got the cap off the Sunny D.

ETHAN:
I say we make this interesting.

JACK:
What, we each get an extra ration of travel sweets? Oh the excitement.

ETHAN:
Shut up. I say we split up, take different routes, and see who reaches the finish point at Cloister Ridge first.

JACK:
Stands up, takes a drink of water.
How much?

ETHAN:
Fifty quid.

JACK:
Okay then, dad. You’re on.
They shake hands.
Should we lay down any rules or something?

ETHAN:
What, and ruin the fun? See you in a few hours, loser.
Starts to walk offstage.

JACK:
Calls:
When you want rescuing, just use the walkie talkie.
He puts on his backpack.

ETHAN:
Same to you – I wouldn’t want my only son ravaged by bunny rabbits at the start of such a promising career of being a know-it-all.

JACK & ETHAN:
Both start walking offstage in different directions. They say under their breath:
Tit.
Both exit.

Please try and read aloud and leave helpful comments. If you have a partner available, why not read the two roles?
: D I want to know how fluid it sounds.

I've posted this on two other sites already, left for twelve hours (during prime-time US chatting) and found no respsonses. Will Menewshans be the first to give me feedback? : DD