Lance And Reginald: The Never Ending Battles.
 

Page Zero - Origins.

Once long ago, there was a punk-ass bitch named Lance and he saw this dude named Reginald... Reginald was a gladiator, so when Lance started talkin shiznat about "Haxxoring Reginalds mom's ass last night", he took out an enchanted sword of +1 Manliness and used it to lay Lances ass down to rest for all of eternity and beyond. It just so happened that randomly a vampire saw the injustice and decided to turn Lance into a vampire so he could get revenge on Reginald.

The vampire swiftly swooped down and punctured Lances face-eye with his fangs. The vampire wasnt not even finished there! He had equipped his Psychic Fangs (Def, 87 Psychic Powers +4) and a little less than one millisecond after being bitten Lance flew straight up in the air DragonBall Z style and was resurected beyond belief! Meanwhile, Reginald was haxxoring Lances mom's ass last night and wasnt not even completely aware that Lance had been resurected!

Lance flew through the window and interrupted Reginalds haxxoring by using his newly acquired Psychic Half (somehow) Vampire power to grab Lance's face-head and twisted it using all his might! Reginalds neck snapped and crunched in a way that reminds someone of stepping on celery...Reginald was soo with total god right now, but Lance began to get the Vampires curse and couldnt resist biting Reginald in the gooch and inadvertantly turned Reginald into a Half-Vampire Gladiator (But Reginald was somehow just a little bit more half vampire than Lance. Lance thought they were even, since he killded Reginald, but Reginald was super pissed and punched Lances head so many times per second that his head was mangled into what looked like a sack of rotten potatoes that someone ran over in their car.

Lance wasnt not even really hurt at all that much and as Lance turned away Reginald reached out with lightning quick efficiency and grabbed Lance by the Gooch and promptly drownded his ass in Dawson's Creek accordingly, thusly killing Lance for all eternity and beyond!

Page One - Divination

Once upon a time there was a guy named Lance who hadd the power to enter your brain because he happenned to be a powerful psychic half vampire. Lance walked up to some random guy and entered his brain, making his head explode like a watermellon filled with fish guts being shot by a custom magnum. Lance laughed evilly like the psychic half vampire he was while streams of brain, brone fragments, and sauce plaster across his face like confetti.

Later on that day, Lance stood with his head lowered. He slowly lifted it, like the half vampire psychic he was, only to have it shatter into a million pieces. This was done intentionally because he knew that Reginald, the one true half vampire gladiator, despite being just a little less than half when compared to Lance, who manages to retain full psychic powers even though he is half vampire, was hiding behind a urinal watching him and awaiting an attack.

Reginald knew the exploding head trick because thats something they teach you in like first grade of any vampire gladiator, or psychic half vampire school and was not even fooled at all very much.

Reginald jumped out of his hiding spot inside of the urinal but Lance totally saw his leg sticking out of it and used it to enter Reginalds brain.

Reginald used all of his Gladiator/Half Vampire powers to push Lance out of his brain. This struggle went on for a good 10 minutes thusly resulting in Reginald ejecting Lance from his bain and drownded Lances ass in Dawsons Creek.

Reginald stood triumphantly over the drownded remains of Lance and laughed maniacally while he grew stronger by obsorbing Lances body, gaining all his powers Reginald started another day of bursting heads like it and no thang and lived happily ever after for all eternity.

Page Two - The Movie

With his recent victory over Lance, Reginald grew insane over time with his new powers. He wandered the streets for years until one day, right after he used his half vampire psychic powers to explode some random guys head causing streams of blood, jiggling bits of fractured skull, brain giblets, and sauce to fly into his mouth. The excitement caused Reginald to have a vision of Lance...

In this vision, Lance totally used his Freddy Kreugerlike ghost powers to exit Reginald's brain and become one back with the physical world. Now, in Reginald's book, those be Jihadin actions! Reginald,who just saw Van Hellsing, grabbed one of those electric rod things. This was no ordinary electric rod things, NO this was totally +1!

Reginald swung at Lance, but he had tricked Reginald the whole time and wasn't not even really dead much at all! After Lances ass was drownded in Dawson's Creek, Dracula (of all people) had sent a werewolf out to bite his anus and now Lance is totally a werewolf half vampire psychic gladiating ass stomper! So, Lance easily deflected Reginald's puny +1 Electric Rod thing and totally chomped off Reginald's anus. Normally for Reginald, this wouldn't not even be no thang, but Reginald had previously removed his heart and placed it in his anus to prevent stakes the the heart.

SO after Lance bit off Reggy's anus/heart, he paused briefly enough to allow the explosion of his entire body to occur. The explosion was so similar to watching a sack filled with vomit, rotten bananas, and animal semen being suspended in mid air and being hit by a mac truck that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference the next time you see them next to each other.

Van Lance totally opened his mouth as to let in all the precious fluids, not excluding jiggling bits of brains and sauce fly in. After all that was taken care of, Van Lance grabbed some random chick and placed his hat on her head and held her close, looked up at the camera, and flew off into the night like Keanu Reaves did at the end of the first Matrix.


Page Three - The Game


Once long ago in a time of darkness and fear lived a Half Vampire Gladiator named Reginald, and his nemesis Lance, a Half Vampire Psychic. Reginald and Lance were locked in an eternal battle, similar to Street Fighter but with more lewdness and cursing. Just when Lance thought their eternal battle was over, his rage bar increased to maximum, allowing him to perform his super ultra combo! Reginald's guard meter was too low and received the full force of Lances super ultra combo... The force sent Reginald flying across the screen where he smashed'ed his face-eye-brain on the ride side of the screen

where there would be no wall, but that happened because Lance wouldn't move closer so the screen couldn't pan... As their never ending eternal struggle was almost over, Reginald paused so he could consult the moves list. Reginald was let down to come to the ultimate realization that his super ultra combo was like at least over 60 different button commands... Reginald summoned all of his might and actually managed to pull it off, but he had never done it before and Lance wasn't not even hit by it at all because Reginald's super ultra combo was a grapple move, and sadly, Lance was all the way on the other side of the screen.

Lance then used his 2 button command super ultra combo, which affected the entire screen and easily countered Reginald's stupid grapple move with a stylishly sexy 197 hit combo, KO'ing Reginald's ass for all eternity and ending their eternal struggle for manliness. Lance then placed his controller on the ground and slowly turned his head towards Reginald, who by now had tears streaming down his girly loser face. Lance laughed as Reginald was forced to reach into his wallet and retrieve a single dollar bill, which Lance wetly

smooched in the most sensually embarrassing way. Lance was then barely able to purchase a bag of M&M's...He gave a single one to Reginald who stated that it was so bitter in his mouth it tasted like ash in his mouth...FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND!

Page Four - The Showdown


Once, apparently often, there were these two beings of ultimate half power who lived in a world very similar to ours, but these were not your average everyday ultimate half beings...No, one was a Half Vampire Psychic named Lance, his rival was Reginald, the Half-Vampire Gladiator (who like just a little bit more half than Lance). Another Wednesday came along for these two, and just like every Wednesday, they find that their twisted world of hatred and pain was not big enough for the both of them... Thusly begins our story...

On a particularly sweetly directed night full of storm and clouds meditated the ultimate half being Reginald. With his eyes still shut, he stated out loud: "I totally haxxored your mom's ass last night..." Reginald then opened his eyes just as a sweet lightning bolt struck the ground far away and locked eye contact with Lance! Lance was already upon him, stabbing Reginald in the face-eye-brain with super hurricane speed, inflicting one billion stab wounds every second...for like 10 hours straight.

Reginald lay on his mountain, a mangled corpse with just enough strength left to quaff a heaping potion of The True Pirate. Lance didn't see him do that and was startled when Reginald's corpse began to shutter and shake... From the steaming pile of meat and chunklets, a fist shot threw the air, landing a thundering strike directly to Lances Gooch, sending him flying off the mountain and crashing into a hill. Reginald watched as Lance went tumbling down the hill and let out a girlish shriek of victory as Lance was impaled onto the jagged Kiosks of the airport lobby below.

Reginald continued to shriek in the most nostalgically shocked way and then proceeded to shit his pants in the most sensually embarrassing way for all eternity and beyond till next time...



Page Five - The Presidency


Once long ago, in a time very different from our own existed two beings of ultimate half power. One being, Lance was a psychic half vampire whose arch nemesis was Reginald, the half vampire gladiator... Lance and Reginald decided one day that their eternal never ending battles could never resolve their differences and came to the obvious conclusion of each running for president of the world.

Each had their own campaign commercials, Lances commercial said that he would run the world under a fiercely strong, but understanding tyranny. Reginald's commercial stated that he would "Barely enslave the entire world." All the humans decided that they didnt not even want either of those very much, and started a rebellion against the two ultimate half beings. The rebellion lasted 6 long grueling minutes and resulted in the entire earths population being harvested into farms where Lance and Reginald planned to feast upon all the steaming hot fresh chunklets of mean and sauce until their half vampire tummies were full.

But, Lance's son and Reginald's son had hidden themselves in with the humans. Lan and Reg (the sons) then proceeded to eating all of dem humans with a +1 attitude modifier activated! Once all the humans had been consumed'ed Lan and Reg turned on their fathers and began to engage them in some sort of really long and obviously eternal battle... After many confetti-like exploding heads, and after the gallons of sweet sweet sauce had been spilled and brains had been entered and left, all that remained were the tattered remains of 4 ultimate half beings...

They began to realize that they would never be able to destroy one another so they all agreed'ed to take poison and end it once and for all. Lance and Reginald, Lan and Reg, all greedily quaffed their poison and began to shake. Lances face-eye-brains slowly began to squish out through his eye sockets and ears, while Reginald's face-brain-eyes began to rumble and then shot from his head directly into lances head, which obviously imploded'ed sending jagged shards of skull matter back into Reginald's head. The two ultimate half beings had died.

Lan and Reg looked at each other and then laughed like the quarter vampires they were because not only didn't they not even drink the poison very much, but they hadn't not replaced'ed their poison without kool-ade! Lan and Reg both grabbed hammers and nails and started hitting themselves in the head for all eternity and beyond. They both passed out with big smiles on their faces and now we know the horrible truth.

Page Six - To The Extreme


As we are all very well aware by now, once long ago in a time of chaos and dissonance lived a pair of ultimate half beings, Lance the half vampire psychic, and Reginald the half vampire gladiator. As we are also very well aware, these two ultimate half beings of ultimate half power were always locked into an eternal struggle of which no end could be foreseen. During one of their battles that they hold on every Wednesday, Lance asked Reginald if he wanted to see a psychologist and work out their problems. Reginald was embarrassingly relieved and accepted. But, they decided to squeeze in one last eternally never ending battle of ultimate half destiny where Lance ended up implod'eding Reginald's brain somehow making Reginald feel violated in the most sensually embarrassing way right before their counseling session began. So, sometime later they found themselves at their destination, the world renowned Dr.Killer, the famous veterinarian. The three of them began to talk about their problems, and Dr.Killer was getting quite frustrated due to the lack of progress caused by Lances frequent trips into Reginald's brain causing it to shatter outwards like a burlap sack entering the earths atmosphere and landing in a mine field. To finally end the distraction, Reginald began to talk to Lance while he was in his brain...

Reginald quietly states,
"Lance, I think the baby is yours..."

Lance replies smugly,
"Oh, I'm sure it is, Dollface, but I'd like to see you prove it!"

Reginald shouts,
"You treat me like shit Lance!"

Lance laughs and says,
"That's because thats the way you like it baby!"

Then, as Reginald reached around his back to unzip his dress so he could savagely oversex Lance,(in a twisted scheme to kill him) he realized that he wasn't not even pregnant, nor wasn't he not even wearing a dress, so instead of unzipping his dress, he pulled out a chain gun cannon and fired upon Lance, tearing him into billions of steaming chunklettie pieces. Reginald then decided to mail one to every street ever created so that Lance would never then be able to come back and kill him again for all eternity.

But, since none of these things were happening and it was all just in Reginald's head, Lance then exploded'ed Reginald's head sending all kinds of colorful chunks, bits, and giblets streaming right into Dr.Killers mouth causing him to throw up so hard that his entire digestive system was expelled outwards through his mouth hitting Lance in the face knocking him over a balcony. Lances face-head got tangled in the intestines and he was hung from the balcony and prayed for sweet death. Which was not far off because their balcony was located above the freeway and Lance got hit by every car possible and was finally lain to rest for all eternity and beyond forever and ever. But as we all know, this will only last until next time.

That's it for now! Thank you for reading it, if you did.

I would like to know if anymore should be done.

And keep in mind, the stories are crude comedy.