Menewsha Avatar Community - Fire and Ice; my book

Um, would you read this and grade it for me? Be absolutely clear on what you want to say. I can take how harsh you can be. I really want to get good so read and comment plz.

The Capture of Fire
~ Prologue ~

A black shadow stretched over the fields of Orsen as a band rode through the night. A darkly cloaked man rode with four others on black horses. The moon was high and the stars gave their light to the hunters. For that is what they were. They were hunters. They hunted treasure, money, jewels, power. Yes, power was their favorite item. But it was not theirs to keep. They reported to the King Illir. King Illirian Freschen to be exact. They hunted the power for him.
But what were they hunting? A small boy of about sixteen years of age. He ran himself, strangely keeping a good lead as he headed for the woods ahead of him. He knew they were haunted, he knew. He had seen plenty of spirits in the Teresh Woods before, and yet, it didn’t bother him. He ran straight ahead, not falling in step or speed. He would stop running soon, but not yet. He needed to get to the place.
The hunters drew back as the boy went into the woods. “What are you idiots standing around for?! After him!” the leader called. The horses reluctantly entered, with the great encouraging of their riders. The leader sighed and rode in before them, following the boy with the glowing red ring. King Illir would be pleased when he saw their recent catch of this boy. And when Illir was happy… a lot less people got killed.
The boy laughed and turned to see the uneasy riders. “Afraid, shadows?” he taunted. That set them off, after him again. He turned quickly, a bit frightened but still sure he would win this battle. His ring on his left hand glowed brighter in warning, and he drew his heavy sword close to him. The boy was ready for anything. He hadn’t mastered this idea of fire magic yet, but he was certain he could get it this time.
Slowly but surely the boy reached the clearing. It was a clearing of full moonlight, and the full moon could be seen through it’s nonexistent roof. The boy saw his challengers circle up around him in the clearing and he smirked. This was exactly what he wanted. He could barely stand the anxiety in his body, and the adrenaline rushed into his head. He was proud and big headed after all, and he was finding himself in deeper trouble every day.
Once the four followers had circled up the leader rode out to the boy, who looked up at him. The boy smirked, the hunter scowled. Their blades, both facial and physical, crossed and at once, much to the boy’s hopes, the fight started.
“It would be so much easier if you just did as I command you,” the hunter said, deflecting the foolish blows of the boy. “I am not supposed to kill you. You are making it harder for me.”
“No way I’m gonna let you beat me!” the boy said, and for a change the boy pierced the horse. The horse whinnied in pain and the boy taunted him, apologizing first for what he was going to do. He had the horse chase him around the clearing, laughing and taunting.
“Enough of this folly,” the hunter said. “Have we not come to take prisoner?” The men around the circle nodded. “Then I give you the command. Attack!” The horses charged.
He smirked. The boy continued to smirk. He deflected the blows of the men, swinging back each time. An overhead blow, he ducked and swung at the chest. The opponent would get hit a bit. The boy laughed and rolled, going to another one.
It lasted this way for a while, nothing happening to the leader. He stared at he boy and his moves. Once he seemed to get the moves, the boy rolled over to him but as he got up, the leader swung his blade at where the boy’s head would end up when he stood. The flat side of the blade hit him square in the head, sending him flying backwards and into the trees.
The leader smirked and rode over to the boy. He lay on the ground, eyes half closed, on the brink of unconciousness. “How proud are you now boy?” He then looked at his band. “This is what will become of those who dare to disobey my orders again! Understand now how serious this is?” The men sheepishly nodded. “And for you…” he turned back to the boy. “You are already in trouble.” He stepped down to pick the boy up.
As he reached his arms out to grab him a sword brushed against them, making them move. “When… will… you… notice?” he muttered. “You… can’t… win…” The hunter became enraged. He thrust the boy on the saddle of his horse so that he lay across it’s back near the hindlegs. Of course, he switched his horse. The Shadow of the hunters always had the best horse.
As they left the Woods of Teresh, many spirits of old lingered with the boy on his way to prison. <Shall I do it?> he asked them in his mind.
<Yes. Erase us from existence.>
<I hope you are happy with what you have chosen.>
The leader slowed, smelling something strange. The men turned to see a full blown forest fire behind them. And they immediately without hesitation charged out of the burning woods.
All through the night an echo from the boy’s flames was heard:

“You can’t win. Out of the old will come a new. As out of evil comes good. And as out of fire and ice comes victory.”

Love and Legends Unknown
~Chapter 1~

“Tera! Tera! Come quickly!”
A girl called to her friend as she ran down the road. Along the road were houses, neatly built out of stone and clay material. The road was a combination of stones and bits of glass that, in the spirit of play, the children of the village would bury there as their ‘hidden treasure’. This made it a bit harder to run on, and was making the girl more tired than she had intended to be when she finally reached the end of the road. “Tera, hurry up!” she called. She skidded to a stop at the house at the end of the road. Panting, she pounded on the oak door with her fists, until a tired looking girl came to answer her. “Tera… Come… on! It’s start… it’s starting!” she panted.
The sun blazed in the tired girl’s eyes as she looked at her friend. She looked out onto the road, and lifted a hand to cover her eyes. “Already?” she groaned. “But the sun’s not even at half noon yet… And I wanted to sleep in. You know I don’t wake up until a little after half noon on holidays,” she said, looking at her friend again with disappointed eyes. The other girl looked sad and stared at her feet, shuffling them in an embarrassed way.
The tired girl was named Tera. Tera Faror, to be precise. She was sixteen, and had just entered her age of maturing only a few days ago. Her hair was brown and long, past her waist. Her frame was thin and fragile, and her skin was fair, a bit paler then most people’s. She wore a white night-dress that looked as if it could be a wedding dress. It was an ivory white with a lacy patern on its material, a soft silk. It had a long skirt with rose petals pressed into the silk and long swaying sleeves covered her arms from the cold. Her eyes were a bright ice blue. Though only two people in the village could see it, inside her eyes were little shards of ice, giving her eyes a glassy, cold look. On her finger she wore a blue ring that had a little blue crystal that looked like a shard of ice on it.
Her friend, on the other hand, was a kind hearted girl named Rilliana Willins. Rilliana was young and sweet, her charm attracting anyone. She was fifteen, and going to enter the age of maturing in a few months. Rilliana, or Rill as she liked to be called, had bright blonde hair, only reaching above her shoulders. Her eyes were almost a yellow color, with little sparks in them every time she became happy. She usually wore pants, much to the disapproval of many adults in the town, that were brown or black. And today she wore her black pants, with a white top. The top was a bit frilly for her taste but she liked it with its long sleeves and large cuffs at the end. The collar was embroidered with little vines. Rill very much liked to wear jewelery and that day she wore a golden necklace with a key hanging from it and a yellow ring with a lightning bolt on it.
“Tera-a-a-a… I wanted to go with you…” Rill sighed. “Please?”
Tera sighed and looked at her friend. “Give me about thirty minutes, okay?” Rill smiled.
“Okay.”
After about twenty minutes Tera was ready to go but she didn’t want to leave just yet. She had changed into her party gown, for after all, they were going to one. It was brown and sleeveless, with a white vest over it that had a collar on it. The vest went to halfway down the dress and was belted around her waist with a brown belt. In her hair she wore a white headband and clips for her bangs, to keep them together. Tera wasn’t fond of parties but she hadn’t wanted to let Rill down, as Rill was her best friend. She decided to step outside early after telling her mother she was going to attend the party.
“Yay!” Rill said excitedly. “We can go?”
Tera nodded. “Yes, I will give myself up freely so we can go to this one party early.” She sighed. “You know I despise parties, Rill.”
Rill only smiled. “Yep. And you’re going to hate me for something else too,” she said mischeviously.
“Oh dear, what else did you do to make me miserable?” Tera groaned.
“You’ll see!”

The party was more than a gathering of friends, it was a massive celebration. There were many things to do. Stands were set up with different attractions. There was a large food area for eating and an empty patch of grass for dancing, something every woman in the town liked to do. From each stand was a rope from which hung iron-framed lanterns, which would be lit later for a source of light. The stands were all colorful and bright, attracting everyone to them, especially all of the children. Of all the visitors, the children were the most excited, though most of them did not even know the real cause of the party, they just knew that there were going to be games to play for a long time that day.
The party was for a young Mister Blaine Renegade. He had just come into the age of maturing that day. And in the small town, the day when the children became the age of sixteen, it was a very important day. It was the biggest celebration in anyone’s life. Sixteen was the age of maturing. It marked the point when they could go out on their own. For this day, preparations were strict. The one entering the age had to prepare for what they would do in life. They had taken five years of apprenticeship five years prior to the date. Blaine had decided he would be taking place as an ambassador of the city for another city, the Elven city of Marak. They had already accepted him, and none of the residents except for his family were aware of this yet.
Now Tera had a huge crush on Blaine. He’d stolen her heart with his good looks and charm, and Rill knew this. That was dangerous. If Rill knew something, then there was bound to be trouble with it. But she was the only one. Tera didn’t dare tell anyone else about her feelings for the boy. She saw him and blushed deep red at seeing him.
His hair was blonde with large spikes in different places, all about his head, from the left side, to the top, to the right side. His skin was tan, not very tan but still tan. He had a strong muscular figure. He wore a suit on this day, a black jacket and pants, with a white shirt on underneath it. Blaine’s eyes were emerald green, sparkling in the light of the sun as he conversed with the guests. He wore no jewelry, as it seemed strange to him to wear something around one’s neck.
Tera approached the boy slowly. “Hello Blaine,” she stammered, her eyes looking at the ground. She gathered up the courage to look at his beautiful face and looked up. I can do this, she told herself.
“Ah, hello Tera,” he said calmly. “Are you enjoying the party? I know it’s not as extravagant as yours was, though it is very nice.”
“Yes, it is wonderful, though I haven’t been here long,” she answered politely, though inside she was moaning. She did not enjoy parties.
“I’m glad you like it,” he said. He looked around. “Did you come with anyone?”
“Yes, Rill is here with me,” Tera said, a bit uncertainly.
“But she… I don’t see her.”
Tera turned around, to see that it was so. Her friend was gone. “I guess she went to look at something,” she said calmly, turning back to the boy, though she was fuming inside. She breathed a heavy sigh. “Blaine, what do you plan to do for a living?” she asked, making polite conversation.
“I’m going to be an ambassador for this city at an Elven city near the eastern ocean,” he said. At this Tera nearly fainted.
“You are going that far away? When?” she asked.
“In a month,” he replied simply.
“But that is so soon!” Tera said, disappointed.
“You seem worried. Aren’t you going to leave soon for your job?” Blaine asked her.
“Ah…” she said embarrassedly. “No. I am still not sure what it is I will do in this world.” She looked at the ground.
Blaine, sensing her disappointment, held her head in his hands and looked into her eyes. “It’s going to be fine. You’ll find out soon enough. I can tell.”
Tera blushed bright red as he held her face. SHe blinked back several tears that stung her eyes. She wouldn't cry infront of Blaine. Tera wasn't that kind of girl.

Rill had sneaked off from Tera so she could do some things, important and unimportant. One of Rill's favorite things was eating. With the many booths, and at least half of them being food vendors, she couldn't help but be drawn to the food.
She tried everything. Every fish, every steak, every fruit and vegetable, every sweet, every bread, and everything and anything that could be eaten. Slowly she started, savoring each bite as its own, then she concentrated on filling her mouth with the tastes and her stomach with the food.
Once the childish eating was over, she went to the mother of blaine, Mrs. Jaelen Renegade. She was a kind but strong woman, with red hair down to her waist. She wore a green silk dress with gold hemming, and brown sandals on hre feet.
"Jaelen, I'm ready!" Rill called, entering Jaelen's tent. Rill saw the woman and smiled. Rill was training under Jaelen to fight so she could join armies of the larger cities of men, though they probably woudn't accept her help. Women weren't highly thought of in that day. But Rill was determined to fight.
She also would be the next storyteller of the town. She would pass on the legends, keeping them alive and remembered in the town. So to begin she would debut tonight with the legend of legends, The Legend Of The Great War.
Rill was giben an outfit to chane into for the telling. It was beautiful, like white rain in spring. It was in a kimono fasion, long with no collar, and had long swaying sleeves. The dress was made of white silk as was the obi, though the dress was more silver than white. Designs of green branches and silver berries danced on the dress, and the obi was left plain. Rill smiled, then went to put it on.

Eventually it got dark, as it usually does at the end of the day. All had eaten and all of the booths had been closed. Tera had spent the day with Blaine. She was going to miss him. The Iron lanterns had been lit and a chourus of violins played for the yound and old couples who now danced on the open feild.
Tera had found Rill's other unwanted surprise. Rill had told Blaine that Tera wandet do ddance with him at the part that bnight. So here she was, muttering angrily to herself as she danced with Blaine. She twirled to the many rythems of the chourus. Tera had to admit, she was enjoying it. And her rage, large as it was, quelled int o love and thanks for the boy she held hands with and for the girl who made it happen.
At the end of the song, the children gathered around two trees. One was a tal oak, old with age and smooth cracked bark up and down its trunk and branches. Its leaves were green and sweet smelling. Next to it was a stump of a maple, with rough bark and a smooth, flat top to sit on. Its scent mingeled wit hthat of the oak, creating a sweet smell from the trees. The stump was where Rill would sit.
Rill made a rather elaborate entrance, slowly making her way through the large crowd of children who anticipated her arrival. She acted cautiously and delicately as she sat on the stump, as not to injure anything nearby or rip the dress. After she sat, she looked at the children and smiled.
"Tonight, I have been asked to tell a special legend. I am Rilliana Willins, apprentice storyteller of Jaelen. I will be telling Blaine's legend. The Legend of the Great War.
"The /Lighters/ and the /Darkers/ were in a war. They held it seceretly, in the Heavens or in the realm of the shadows. The Heavens was the home of the /Lighters/. They only allowed the /Lighters/ in, and occasionally the /Darkers/ would break in. The Shadows was the home of the /Darkers/. /Lighters/ strove to infiltrate it but it was too dark and unpure for them. The /Darkers/ hated the /Lighters/ for their light, and /Lighters/ hated the /Darkers/ for their darkness. And so they waged war on eachother.
This is where the history of our land, Tweenland, began.
In the beginning there were only the Heavens adn the Shadows. they were always there. One God from the Darkers and one Goddess from the Lighters. From the beginning they hated eachother, and always will. the war began there. Slowly it started, until it became a fully waged war. And then it happened. The Tweenlands were greated.
Tweenland was created when the first made swords clashed. THe two warriors gighting in a one on one battle, collided their swords so heavily, a spark flew from them. And from that spark grew Tweenland. The land of other species. Tween was to separate the Heavens and the Shadows. THe heavens becase the ssky of Tweenland and the Shadows became the bottom support. Then the others came along.
First were the men. All species decend from Men. They were ruthless, greedy, and battle prepared. They were banned from magic, as they used it selfishly. Men weren't the kindest species.
Next came the Elves, who had pointed ears and the image of man. Elves have always hated men, as their opinion of them was 'men are stupid, ignorant, selfish idiots.' They were immortal to age. IT was their blessing, as the strength of men was a blessing to them. They were kind, but were not able to see all levels of things.
The Dwarves were the pacifists. Calmness was their blessing. They were smart and quick, though a bit shorter than most. They lived long, but were not immortal. They sought no fight and stayed in the mountinous area, where they could not be reached.
After them came the Tree Dwellers. They were small beings wit hthe image of man, bnut could use magic and plants as their blessing. They had small bodies and tiny rounded ears that were keen to sound. They lived in trees and with the earth, and fought with the elves when their magic was stolen from them.
Lastly came the Mages. The mages were hidden among teh species as they could look like any kind. Their blessing was magic, though it was copied from them by the elves. So their business was only with elves. But they were too weak.
The cold war raged on. It was time for it to end. The lighter nad the Darkers had a final battle. They called their strongest fighters to battle. The fighter from the Lighers was strong, wise, courageious, and pure of heart. His name was Alen. The fighter of the Darkers was wvil and full of hatred. He was sly and crafty, stronger than the other. His name was Zoran.
They met on the battlefeild on the morning of the second year. A fight began, adn they fought, for thrree days with one hour intervals. And then the Lighter won. He managed to disarm Zoran to the point of death, but instead of Killing him he banned his race to the shadows, never to se the heavens again.
After the batle the species of Tweenlands stopped their wars and forgot about the great war. THey returned to their remeanining towns as if nothing had happened. But many things changed.
Mages died out, though some people think that some are left. The truth of that we may never know but none have shown. So we belive they are extinct. But if there are any left, they are blessed with immorality until their race repopulates.
Dwarves located into new areas and seemed new to the world, as they had been hiding for a year. So they started out fresh.
Elves moved away from the forests and into new areas as the dwarves did.
Men stayed their usual selves, Forgetting about the mages and dwellers as they are thought to be extint.
And te Dwellers. They are affected teh most. Only one clan remains. They are so small taht no one can see them. They stay in the woods, away from other species taht they hate. They were forgotton from time.
And who knows what happens now? No one knows but we all can guess. Maybe the Darkers will arise. Maybe the Heavens will open again and we will see the Lighters once again. But we cannot know."

Rill slowed at the end and smiled sweetly. No one had heard the legend told in that way before, and it was rather strange to hear the true storyMost of the story tellers told the legend in a way that glorified the race of men. But Rill told the true legend, the way no one had hear it before. And that told the exact legend the way it was.
Someone stood and began to trow insults and curses at Rill for 'disowning' the race of men. Soon the entire crowd of adults were yelling, the children were afraid and Rill standing alone.
Tera knew she had to do somthing. Before she was awayre of what she was doing, she had walked to teh front of the crowd adn all eyes were on her. She nevoulsy looked at the crowd.
"Well, uhm... Hello." Silence. "Uhm, well, i just wanted to... to..." she sighed. "Stop it!" she yelled suddenly. THey were once again shocked. "Rill is telling the story like it is. THere's nothing wrong with doing that . Men are a bit blood thirsty, and greedy, but so what?" Blaine stood up by Tera.
"I agree with Tera. Anyone who wishes to harm my friends because of a simple story can answer to me," he said, reaching for the daggar at his belt. NO one took up to the chalange.
Mutters were passed from one person to another but all eventally became pushed aside for enjoyment. Tera stood, dazed. "Wow... What did I just do?" She sat next to Rill then looked at her friend. "Are you okay?" she asked, and Rill laughed.
"Me? I'm fine!" Rill said. "They didn't do anything to me. And besides," she became grim, "they couldn't haver done anything to me even if they had wanted to..." she trailed off. She then stood up and smiled. "Weell, I'll go enjoy that last dance now," she said and then she was gone.
Tera didn't realize how late it was untill now. BGlaine escorted her to a final dance, and while they danced the chourus played on. she was happy. Tera couldn't expect more from that night, but it wasn't over. ANd Blaine wasn't finished yet either.He flattered her and put on his best looks. Tonight was more than a birthday, as was already mentioned. Sixteen is a magical year full of adventure, surprise and excitement. Blaine would prove that.
The stars above them shone brilliantly as Blaine and Tera danced. A spin, a thrust, a twirl, then a few steps. The dance was perfect. And when teh final song ended, Blaine stood in the middle, holding Tera's hand.
"Tera," he said with grace. She looked at him.
"Blaine, first I-" she said but stopped. She was so nervous her head was spinning. "I have to tell you somthing." She sighed deeply. "I love you.
He smiled. "I love you too," and with that he brought her lips to his and enveloped her in a kiss.
Tera didn't push Blaine away.
She liked it.

©Copyright Rilliana