Ok a friend and I were doing a silent hill meets other creepy things sort of roleplay on gaia. And this is my part. Just wondering what you think of it.

Rain pounded against the glass of the rickety Victorian home. The wood was beginning to rot with age, paint peeling away, windows covered in dust. If any were to pass by it one would assume that it were abandoned, however the frantic scraping of a brush against mahogany floor. A voice soft like a whisper filled with blind terror, and pain accompanied the scraping.

"Blood...so much blood...
I...I'm sorry. c..couldn't....
.....sister...forgive
me"

She was young this girl, barely resting at the age of eighteen. The obviously healthy yet dirty raven hair cascaded down from her scalp resting against her breasts. Dark makeup lined her onyx eyes, standing out against her pale skin. Her hands petite in size had turned pink and tender from the hours of time she had spent, scrubbing the floor. They were well kept once, as were the rest of her appearance but that was long ago. Now she was all but withered, barely even part of the world around her.

With a small huff she pulled herself up from her crouching position, picking up the bucket full of now murky water, she headed out of the house. The freezing rain beating down on her skin as she walked along the roadside. All the buildings looked the same as they did so long ago, but void of life.

It was dark and the streets were covered in ash the air think with fog, but Ellina had made this long painful trip many times in her short life. Nearing the gate she pulled it open stepping in and finding the stone that held her here. It tore into her soul like a knife the pain unbearable..she looked down reading it over.

'Hannah Mortreis..
May she rest forever in the loving arms of the goddess.'

Such stupid beliefs that this town held, marking all to fallow in it's way or be scorned until life met it's end. Everyday Ellina would kneel scrubbing the red words off of the stone. And every day they would return once more to haunt her.

'bastard child'

And so she began scrubbing away the painful words that had robbed her life of it's happiness. The dust and rain mixing together to form a thick paste over her flesh. Her task finally wearing to it's end she stood, making her way along the streets.

A dark fabric bodice clutched her bosom firmly as the matching skirt portrayed it's red flowers as it swished about. The lace at the hem, tickling her numb legs, frozen. To her all was ice cold, and cast over looking entire black and white. The heels of her shoes clicked and clacked against the pavement, echoing in the seemingly empty nightmare.

The screeching of a marry-go-round drew her attention as she passed by spinning in a slow trance like state. No wind to push it on it's journey, but that's how everything was. Nothing could move on...nothing could be free. It was as if the town was in a universe all it's own, one of pain and torture.

Veering off the road she made her way through the grass dripping with dew, just off to the left of the childs toy the bucket was dropped. Reaching out she layed a pale hand to rest on the cold bar. Continuing to spin it drew her in, pulling her feet from the ground she stepped up, joining it in it's journey.

It took her, around, and around, and around joining in on the mechanisms pointless journey. Spinning and spinning but never reaching a new state, not even of mind. What was it that held it all so frozen so still. Why did it all have to be so miserable and unfair..What was it?

And suddenly it was all a blur, like all was at a faster speed. She looked about her vision filled with visions. Was it playing with her mind once more? Children ran about playing in the play ground, their parents watching over in a protecting manner. And in the center stood a group of various children who had formed a ring, joining hands circling singing a lullaby.

Child after child ran around the group as if they were not even present, as if they were invisible, spirits of some sort. Again and again they chanted the song, and each time it stabbed at her heart. Then slowly the circle spread apart and a single child stepped through. And that was the end, all her heart could take. Her vision failed her muscles grew limp, she felt the pain as she was flung to the ground. One single though storming her brain....just one......

......Hannah......

Sayomii-chan, I'm going to move this into our fanfiction subforum. Since this is based off of Silent Hill, it seems appropriate.

Just let me know if you have a problem with this. :yes:

Yay Silent Hill! <3
I understand that this is a role-play reply (or opening post) and thus, by its nature, not meant to be the most grammatical thing in the entire world. However, I’m critiquing it because I actually really liked reading it.
I’m sure this is an odd way to show my reading gratitude, but there you go I guess. I’m also really hoping that this gets turned into an actual story rather than just a series of role-play posts. It sounds like you could go all sorts of places with this.
--

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

If any were to pass by it one would assume that it were abandoned, however the frantic scraping of a brush against mahogany floor.

This sentence feels like you just forgot words or started in one direction and ended in another.
“If any were to pass by it one would…” By using ‘any’ and ‘one’ so close together it doesn’t sound quite right. You go from plural to singular very quickly.
At the end of the sentence you need to add something along the lines of “...against the mahogany floor showed signs of life”. Or, you could simply change ‘however’ into ‘but for’.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

A voice soft like a whisper filled with blind terror, and pain accompanied the scraping.

I think the comma is in the wrong place. When read aloud it makes the breath odd. I would add a comma after 'voice,' one after 'whisper' and delete the one you have.
“A voice, soft like a whisper, filled with blind terror and pain…”
That way, it sets apart the ‘soft like a whisper’ and helps the flow of the overall sentence.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

"Blood...so much blood...
I...I'm sorry. c..couldn't....
.....sister...forgive
me"

In general there are two rules with ellipses. One is that you only need three (like you did for the first few). The second is that there is usually a space between the ellipses and the next word. They don’t really effect the reading, but it tends to look nicer.
(The exception, depending on your preferences, to the second rule is if the letter is part of the word. Like: ‘c…couldn’t’. )

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

She was young this girl, barely resting at the age of eighteen.

I’d set ‘this girl’ apart.
“She was young, this girl, barely resting…”

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

The obviously healthy yet dirty raven hair…

I’d set apart ‘yet dirty’.
“The obviously healthy, yet dirty, raven…”
Also, I’m unsure exactly what you meant by ‘obviously healthy’. Is it full? Shiny? I think a more distinct descriptor could be used. (Also, the idea of anything being healthy in Silent Hill throws me for a loop. That place is the definition of unhealthy.)

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Her hands petite in size had turned pink and tender…

I’d set apart ‘petite in size’.
“Her hands, petite in size, had…”

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

They were well kept once, as were the rest of her appearance but that was long ago.

I’d use ‘was’ instead of ‘were’.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Now she was all but withered, barely even part of the world around her.

I’d change the comma to a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

With a small huff she pulled herself up from her crouching position, picking up the bucket full of now murky water, she headed out of the house.

There are a few ways to change this sentence to make it flow a bit better. My suggestion is to add a comma after ‘huff’, a period after ‘position’ and starting the new sentence with ‘Picking up…’.
It just seems like quite a bit happens all in one sentence that could be spaced out into two.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

It was dark and the streets were covered in ash the air think with fog…

I’d add a comma after ‘ash’ or the word ‘and’. Either one will work.
I also think you meant ‘thick’ instead of ‘think’. =]

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Nearing the gate she pulled it open stepping in and finding the stone that held her here.

The order of this sentence seems slightly off to me. I think ‘nearing the gate’ could be cut to simply start with ‘she pulled [the gate] open, stepping in…’
There are a couple ways you could alter the sentence to make it flow nicer, but that’s my suggestion.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

It tore into her soul like a knife the pain unbearable..she looked down reading it over.

I’d add a comma after knife. “It tore into her soul like a knife, the pain…” There should also be three ‘dots’ to make the ellipses complete and a space after them.
That said, I’m not sure you really need the ellipses at all. I think the two sentences work just fine without them. =]

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

… marking all to fallow in it's way or be scorned until life met it's end.

The sheer mention of the goddess made me smile. Clearly I like Silent Hill a little too much.
“it’s” should be “its”

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

…robbed her life of it's happiness.

“it’s” should be “its”.
‘It’s’ is a shortening of “It is” whereas ‘its’ is the possessive of ‘it’. =]

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Her task finally wearing to it's end she stood, making her way along the streets.

“its”

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

A dark fabric bodice clutched her bosom firmly as the matching skirt portrayed it's red flowers as it swished about.

The phrasing of the sentence seems off to me. I understand you’re describing her clothes, but I think the fact that there are two ‘as’s in the same sentence makes it odd. I suggest breaking it up or rephrasing it.
(Also, another ‘its’.)

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

To her all was ice cold, and cast over looking entire black and white.

‘entire’ should be ‘entirely’.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

The screeching of a marry-go-round drew her attention as she passed by spinning in a slow trance like state.

Wait, is she spinning too? I think you have some misplaced modifiers here. You might be able to fix it easiest by breaking the two sentences up.
“The screeching of a marry-go-round drew her attention as she passed by. It was spinning in a slow…”

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

No wind to push it on it's journey, but that's how everything was.

‘its’

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Nothing could move on...nothing could be free.

There should be a space between the ellipses and ‘nothing’.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

It was as if the town was in a universe all it's own, one of pain and torture.

‘its’

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

…just off to the left of the childs toy the bucket was dropped.

‘child’s’.
I’d strike ‘the bucket’. It makes the sentence a little convoluted.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Reaching out she layed…

‘laid’

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

…joining it in it's journey.

‘its’

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Why did it all have to be so miserable and unfair..What was it?

A space should go after the ellipses.
And I don’t understand what the ‘What was it?’ bit is about.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

And suddenly it was all a blur, like all was at a faster speed.

If it’s a blur, we understand that it is going faster (or seems like it is). I think you strike the end part of the sentence out.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

She looked about her vision filled with visions.

I’d say ‘about the playground filled with visions’ or ‘looked about her field of vision with dreams’. Two reasons: One, you can’t really look about your vision, since looking is your vision. Two, using vision twice like that, even though they mean two different things, makes the sentence a little confusing.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

Was it playing with her mind once more?

Was what playing? Her vision? The playground? Silent Hill in general?

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

One single though storming her brain....just one......

Just three dots.

Originally Posted by Sayomii-chan

......Hannah......

Three dots.

--
To be honest, I haven’t read much SH fan-fiction (or anything of the like) that really felt like Silent Hill to me. Usually, it’s either too focused on the inner-turmoil without showing that Silent Hill physically manifests such emotions in the scenery. Or it will focus too much on the scenery and not enough on the emotions that made it such.
You’ve actually tied both together really well. Most of what I found were grammatical errors rather than any real problems.

I really enjoyed this. Thanks for writing it. =]