Eee, it's cute~ I just have an issue with the dialog written as if it were a script... ^^; Having Ryan's actions in asterisks wasn't something I liked, either. The impact of his silence was lost from that, I think, since you didn't really need to explain that Ryan was speechless or dumbfounded, not to mention the fact that Ryan was narrating in the first place...
Honestly, I didn't see much character or personality in Ryan. I didn't know what kind of person he was, except that he was ignorant and didn't care much about lives. I didn't feel for the character. Also, I found it rather amusing that this person Seth just randomly appeared in the story! I think a mention to the relationship between Seth and Ryan needed to take place, like at the beginning of the story when Ryan was talking about Asami.
Also, I was really confused when Ryan first spoke in the story.
Quote:
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Ryan: Look you twit, it’s useless now… We are now at the peak of our lives. Why should we struggle if we’ll lose in the end?
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Was he asking to run away from the Doppleganger and escape, or what? If "We are now at the peak of our lives" was omitted, I would have presumed that he was asking for death, but he obviously wasn't since he just said he could take them on (???). Why did Asami ask Ryan if he wanted to die? ^^; Erm, I'm really confused...
Umm~ What else... A few of the words in the dialog are a little jaded. I think that's all, though~ Oh, and the red hurts my eyes. x'''''D Keep writing, though! <333[/quote]