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Funkitated
⊙ω⊙
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10-02-2007, 10:33 PM
One of my first stabs at oneshot fanfiction, not to mention probably crack! induced.
I'd love criticism or suggestions. I'm sure this could use a bit of rewording here and there.
Other title suggestions are also welcome. You can probably tell I was grasping at straws when I came up with it.
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Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto and Shonen Jump, but the plot is mine.
= = = = =
Vision blurring through the thick cloud of tears, she wiped her eyes on a blood stained sleeve, smearing a faint crimson smudge across her dirt stained cheek. She had finished the jutsu circle, lacing the intricate pattern with a fair bit of chakra.
Sakura absently wet her split, cracked lip, oblivious to the stinging sensation the action created. She began thrusting her arms upon her subject, emotion altering the precise amounts of chakra she was supposed to be channeling defibrillator style.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. The blood was caked inside her fingernails, her arms and clothes stained in crimson. Virtually none of it was her own.
He didn't even have the chance to talk to her, acknowledge her. Three years, without more than a meaningful glance aimed in her direction, and this was how she found contact after so long, by attempting to rekindle the spirit of a dying shell.
They had arrived to watch his form plummet to the ground, dark skin of the monster fading from a distance. That was how he had changed. How he had sought power.
Her features distorted by a sickened frown, she huffed, sending another jab at her comatose former comrade, his face etched in determination even while unconscious. He responded with a shuddered intake of breath. Sakura's face broke into a shaky grin, eyes watering up again.
"See Sasuke, I'm not useless anymore." The words came out in a bare whisper.
The silent young man propped himself up with his uninjured arm, or perhaps less injured appendage, breathing labored.
Hopefully this time she could prove herself to him. Prove herself as a healer. As a fellow warrior. If strength was all he respected, she would pledge hers to him in order to gain his returned affections. She would show him her capability.
But now wasn't the time for displays of bravado. "Here, let me help you."
The pink haired medic-nin began to offer back support only to be shushed away by a the Uchiha's other, mangled, hand.
"Oh Sasuke, no. I haven't healed that yet." She gave a gentle, nonthreatening gesture. "Give me your arm."
His response came in a strangled gurgle. Glassy obsidian eyes turned towards her, unfocused.
She gasped, "I haven't finished healing you yet. You should probably lay back down."
Instead, he stood, giving Sakura another strange gurgle. Blood oozed out of a gash across his neck.
She moved towards him. "Sasuke," she paused, uncertain, "you need help."
He moved towards her, movements hindered. The drying wounds across his torso and limbs became slick with fresh blood. His appendages were a mangled mess. She tried catching the delirious ninja.
He groaned at her. It almost sounded angry. "S-Sasuke?"
The porcelain figure continued shambling after her with an awkward, unnatural gait. Obsidian eyes focused on some point that seemed far behind her, or perhaps deep within.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He approached, fumbling on the remains of a shredded foot. This was wrong. She began vehemently shaking her head back and forth to accompany the mantra.
He groaned again. Backing away in terror, the tears flowed freely, face paling in stark horror. He sounded hungry.
This couldn't be real. Sasuke lunged. Sakura shut her eyes.
She wouldn't see the sun tanned fist that collided with the abomination's jaw.
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Wisty
Dead Account Holder
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10-04-2007, 05:15 AM
I'm in a critiquing mood. I'll be really nitpicky just to give you lots to consider. Most are personal opinions, so you can decide whether they are of any value to you.
blood stained sleeve, smearing a faint crimson smudge across her dirt stained cheek.
-ehh. If you want, you could replace dirt stained with "dirty"; I don't think it would affect the reader's perception of the imagery too much, and it would get rid of the word "stained" being used twice. Really tiny thing, though.
See Sasuke, I'm not
- See, Sasuke, I'm not
a comma is needed
The silent young man propped himself up
-this depends on whether you're using silent to describe his present state, or Sasuke's personality as a whole. If you're trying just to describe the present scene, change the sentence to "The young man silently propped himself up". Again, it depends on your intent, which wasn't really clear to me...
pink haired medic-nin began to offer back support only to be shushed away by a the Uchiha's
- duh. XD little typo.
"Oh Sasuke, no.
- Oh, Sasuke, no.
I THINK. It's how I've always written, but truth be told I don't know if it's an actual grammatical rule. XD;;; wah.
She gasped, "I haven't finished
-I personally just don't like those types of sentence structures... I go more for the "She gasped. "I haven't finished-"
"Sasuke," she paused, uncertain, "you need help."
-change the comma after uncertain to a semicolon?
He groaned at her. It almost
-ambigous? Replace "it" with "the noise"?
The porcelain figure continued shambling after her
-You might just want to add in a line somewhere of Sakura backing away, or some indication of the distance between them. It sounded like they were close together, so it was strange to read about him shambling after her.
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Ahhh, I was just being obnoxious and noting every little thing. I actually liked it. The theme was quite unique, too. Honestly, when Sakura was thinking of how she was going to help Sasuke and gain his respect/affection, I thought maybe this was a sasusaku and you know, happy ending... but it was the complete opposite. XD This is one of the most "zombie" Sasuke fics I've ever read.
And I liked the last line with the hint of Naruto. lol. <3
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Funkitated
⊙ω⊙
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10-06-2007, 07:52 PM
This is the most thorough review/critique I've ever received. ::luffs:: Wisty, you're my new hero. *_*
Wow, I was 'stain,' happy, huh? I normally hate being repetitious like that too, especially in such a short piece. Thanks for the heads up.
Yup, commas needed. Punctuation is totally my weak spot. I'm terrified of using uncalled for comma splices.
The silent young man propped himself up
You know, I'm not even sure whether or not I was talking about Sasuke being the silent type or his actions. Probably a bit of both? O.o Actually, I probably was talking about Sasuke being inherently silent, but the ambiguity of the statement still stands.
Oops, I missed a typo? The horror! I just put it there to see if you'd notice. =P It was a test. Nah, I'll be sure to fix it.
Oh Sasuke, no --> Oh, Sasuke, no
I'm pretty sure I debated on the comma after 'oh' for a while myself. It seems like you would, but I'm not sure it's a rule because it seems like it could change the emphasis on the sentence. You're probably right, though.
She gasped, "I haven't finished
I'm personally terrible when it comes to punctuation coupled with dialogue. It always feels so wrong no matter what I type. It's the cursed commas!
"Sasuke, she paused, uncertain, "you need help."
I think the comma after uncertain is okay because she hasn't completed the sentence yet. If she were to start with a new sentence, then I would use a period/semicolon.
Oops, unclear pronoun usage always = bad.
Hrm, shambling does imply distance. I always figured they were close together, but it would make more sense if she backed off a bit for this to occur.
Thanks for liking. I totally appreciate your constructive criticism. It lets me know at least someone cares. =3 I usually don't like zombies, or the sasusaku thing, but the fic just wrote itself. XD
I couldn't resist putting the last bit in with Naruto. I was thinking it would ruin the tone of the fic, but I couldn't help myself. I'm a total sucker for heroic Naruto.
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Wisty
Dead Account Holder
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10-07-2007, 06:46 AM
^^ *luffs back* Oh good, I'm relieved when people respond well to crits. I don't do it often, but it's a nice way to earn gold as well as learn about other writing styles. :) <3 yup, so I'm glad you found the review helpful, good luck with any future writing!
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Jenn_heart
ʘ‿ʘ
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10-07-2007, 07:58 PM
wow, i really like the gist of this. it's something i would actually take time to read as opposed to skimming or ignoring it( although that's probably cuz it has saskue and sakura in it).
but i didn't really catch the setting, and that hindered the story. i mean, where are they? what was sasuke doing? why's sakura even there?
overall though, it's pretty good.
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