I wrote this over the summer in one sitting. I edited it a bit and ended up presenting it publicly, in fact, but nobody ever really told me what they thought about it. What do you guys think?

The music fills the air
the scene is set
walking into the bar are several pairs
no one realizes who is not there
but the mood is right
and a frequent customer will not return
the drinks are served
the cards are dealt
a glance at the clock
the absence is felt
the room is silent
a finger is raised
to the corpse in the snow
outside the cheery place
the snow is red
and the whites of his eyes are cold.
An ode to the drunk,
who will never grow old.

Wow, this turned out to be darker than I expected it to be.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of a poet, but I do like the slow transition of moods, from cheerful to depressing, I assume? I know those aren't the exact words I wanted to use, but those are the only ones I seem to be able to pull from my brain at the moment.

Wow! I am writing poetry right now and I am hoping to somewhow improve it, can you tell me of ways that can help me with the rhyming?

Originally Posted by emo_kitten_bleeds

Wow! I am writing poetry right now and I am hoping to somewhow improve it, can you tell me of ways that can help me with the rhyming?

Well, I actually generally don't use rhyme schemes. I'm better at free-verse poetry. The above poem is actually free-verse so... :sweat:

That was relly good. I like your type of writing. It is very good since it was writen in one sitting :]

Thanks!
I edited it a little bit afterward but like I said, I ended up presenting it to about one hundred and fifty people right after writing it.
I'm glad you liked it!

I like it alot.
I didn't except it to be so dark.
But I liked the twist.
Keep writing its good.

Thanks!
Yea...
I like how it's deceiving xD

Lol It sounds like it would be all happy then wham.
It makes you think about the issue sounding drunkenness.
Hey could you do me a favor?
Could you look at my poem I posted and give me advice?
The thread is called Lookie Lookie.

Well, no, just the title is a bit misleading, I think.
Since an ode is generally cheerful.
I tried setting the tone perfectly but I guess it didn't work...
You really shouldn't try advertising in others threads, by the way. Put a link into your sig maybe if you want people to look at it.

Ooops Sorry.
I'm still working on how do that.
I'm not sure how to do the link thing.

I'm not sure if it's like this on Menewsha, but it should be:

[u*rl=linkhere]name of link[/u*rl]

Remove the stars.

ohh thanks so much